I got a call from a friend who had some extra time on his hands while he was at the airport waiting for his wife. “Hey, Gary,” he asked me, “why is it that when I came home from a trip, I’m always taking Uber to my house. But when my wife comes home, it’s assumed I’ll be there to pick her up? If I told her to call Uber, it would be a declaration of war!”
We laughed at the double standard and moved on.
Most of my guy friends live with double standards like that.
Another friend has served God and his family heroically. He paid for both of his kids to get through graduate school. He supported his wife while she got her doctorate. But he brings in 100% of the family’s income and he made a reasoned but somewhat risky business move. He still doesn’t know how it’s going to turn out.
He’s not worried about himself; he’s worried about his wife. “Gary,” he said, “I’m a bit old to start over. If this doesn’t pan out, or if I die before it does, what happens to [his wife]? That’s what drives me.”
He could live in a small apartment, but he can’t bear the thought of asking his wife to. He’s overwhelmed by the burden but he’s not responding to the anxiety with sinful behavior. I asked him about it out of concern, and he responded, “Gary, that’s what’s almost sad. I’m too old and tired to be tempted by besetting sin. I just want to go to sleep.”
A third friend, Kevin Harney, is a local church pastor, author, and co-founder of the Organic Outreach International ministry (with his wife). He has many responsibilities and a full life in ministry, but he also enthusiastically supports his wife in her ministry as a co-author on some of her writing projects and a co-presenter at some of her speaking engagements. In fact, one of his wife’s books, Praying With Your Eyes Wide Open is one of my favorite contemporary books on prayer (and I’ve read many books on prayer).
His wife’s younger brother died recently right before Sherry was scheduled to lead a conference on prayer. Kevin quickly volunteered to step in to speak for her at the last minute so that her conference would not need to be cancelled (which would have been a great loss to those who had planned, advertised, and organized it). With a schedule already bursting at the seams, Kevin didn’t have time to do this but he made time to protect his wife’s name and interests. Then, that same day, he got on a plane, flew to join his wife on the other side of the country, and stood by her side as together they delivered the message at her brother’s funeral.
Those are the kinds of guy friends I have. I am surrounded by men who heroically serve, honor, respect, support and cherish their wives.
But when I read Christian blogs and go on social media, I’m bombarded by how awful men are, how they are abusive, power-hungry, dismissive of those who prey on women, and misogynistic. I don’t doubt these stories; many of the readers of this blog have been deeply hurt by men in all those categories. I agree with the voices of many that there needs to be not just less tolerance but no tolerance for the way women have been mistreated by men.
But for this one post, I’d like to highlight and pay deference to some of the good guys.
When I taught a seminary class that was equally divided between men and women, we all laughed at the difference between Mother’s Day sermons and Father’s Day sermons. On Mother’s Day, women get handed roses and chocolates and are told that everything good in the world is good because they created it, touched it, raised it, and blessed it. Men are handed shame, guilt and blame for world events, the breakdown of the family, and the anger of women in general. I just about lost it one Sunday when a pastor chose to preach on Amnon’s raping of Tamar on Father’s Day, asserting that, “if we think about it, all of us men are like Amnon.”
As Father’s Day approaches, let me say that I get why so many women are so angry at so many men. They have a reason to be. I am not defending misogyny, abuse of power, chauvinism, or other male ills. I also get that men’s sins tend to be “creepier” than the sins women are more likely to commit. Of course there’s a double standard. If a woman exposes herself, some wives think their husbands are creepy for looking. If a man exposes himself, everyone thinks he’s creepy for exposing himself. And they’re right.
But can we do one post to celebrate the good husbands, the ones who heroically serve, authentically love, sincerely cherish, and sacrificially give to their wives and children? Can I do that without raising the anger of those who want to vent about how awful their husbands, boyfriends, bosses or pastors have been?
The challenge in doing this is the simple fact that since every man has his compromises and conflicts, the question arises, how perfect does a man have to be to be celebrated?
Samson comes off in the Bible as a man driven by his lusts—for foreign women (including a prostitute), for gambling, and for violence. Samson murders thirty men for their clothes, just to pay off his gambling debts. When I preached on his life recently, I couldn’t use him as a positive example because he’s not. Yet…when you read Hebrews 11, he’s listed among the heroes of faith. Some contemporary bloggers would lose their minds at the writer of Hebrews if he was writing today. They’d boycott his books, demand he be fired and chased out of ministry forever until he is sufficiently shamed for being so insensitive as to imply there was anything positive to say about Samson.
Socially, it is open season on men in general and evangelical men in particular. Sadly, men and evangelicals have given their enemies many easy (and justified) targets to shoot at. But my nature is to be an encourager, and I see so many men and so many churches trying really hard, harder than anyone could imagine, to be among the “good” ones; to serve with good motives; to bless and lift up, not to exert power and authority for the sake of their egos; I see men who have given their wives very comfortable and pleasurable lives at great sacrifice to themselves; I see hundreds of pastors who love God’s word and want to preach it compassionately and fearlessly not for fame and certainly not for fortune, but because they genuinely love God and want to serve people. Yet, if there’s one sentence in a decades’ worth of sermons that could be misconstrued, or one decision in a thousand that may, in hindsight, have lacked discretion, they get pilloried and shamed.
I’m not challenging those who have been deeply hurt by husbands and male pastors, but I do want to encourage the men who feel taken for granted and who often get lumped in with those who deserve censure: God sees your service and your sacrifice. While he hates your sin, he’s on your side and wants you to be forgiven and redeemed, not shamed and shunned. If God can find something to celebrate in a repentant Samson, and then honor Samson for that one small step, he can celebrate you in your repentant brokenness and quest to live a new life.
When I was preparing to preach on Samson (which you can hear here if you want to Samson: for just the sermon, scrub to 22:38). I came across a remarkable book written by Nate Larkin in 2006: Samson and the Pirate Monks: Calling Men to Authentic Brotherhood. With almost unbelievable candor and honesty, and astonishingly good writing (I’m surprised he hasn’t written another book), Nate writes about his horrendous fall into serious and addictive sexual sin, and the road out of it to a life of sacrificial service. I picked up the book hoping to glean something from the life of Samson but that’s not what the book is about. It’s a call for men to stop living independent lives, to form small societies of mutual support and encouragement. We’re not meant to live this life alone and an isolated man who feels shamed and alone is walking toward a fall.
Guys, you know we’re in an open season on men—for some understandable reasons. We’re not going to get a lot of empathy from “the crowd” or on social media. But we can support each other. We can let down our guard with other men and encourage each other to become the kind of men we aspire to be, men who won’t define us by our worst moments, but who will affirm God’s grace, mercy and forgiveness, and inspire us in our aspirations to live, love and serve like Christ.
And for those women, sisters in Christ and wives like mine who genuinely respect us and even like us in spite of our failings and mess ups, bless you. I include Beth Moore in this, who, while challenging the extremes, finds words to affirm the good among those with whom she now has legitimate theological disagreements. Such wives, speakers, writers and sisters in Christ are an oasis of nurturing encouragement in a very angry world.
I’d love for this post to make Samson and the Pirate Monks a best-seller. There are some ugly accounts in it, so for that reason I’d warn traumatized (and I mean that in an empathetic, not judgmental way) women to not read it. But for men who are looking for honesty and a roadmap to encouragement in a world filled with condemnation, this book could be water in the desert.
For the good (not perfect) guys: thanks for your sacrifice. I hope your wives will even praise a few of you in the comments section below.
For those women who have been hurt deeply and traumatically by men: I’m not minimizing your pain. Your hurt is real and justified and needs to be taken seriously. You would have to be a robot not to feel angry and jaded. Just please, for this one post, don’t take offense when I tell some men, “Atta boy; keep it up, brother.”
And wives, if you want to praise your husband below as a message to single women that they don’t have to “settle” for a guy who doesn’t cherish his wife, feel free. I offer this as a very public “Happy Father’s Day” forum.
Content is very clear and easily explained it is very interesting as well. I hope you post again soon.
My husband Brian, has been a great blessing to me. He constantly works to live up to Ephesians 5:25 to love me as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. He over and over has shown his love by covering a multitude of my sin. Continued in showing me grace as Christ has been gracious to him. He chose to love and pursue me for marriage despite knowing my horrible past and sort to love and protect me not counting my past sin against me with a simple yet deep explanation that and I quote”if God has forgiven you and made you new who am I to count it against you yet I am a sinner saved by grace just as you are”. Nothing showed me a picture of Christ love to the church as that did.
He is a loving supportive husband. Working so hard to provide for me and ensure I am comfortable. Not pushing me to seek employment and leave our 2 babies to be raised by another woman but working and sacrificing a lot to ensure I don’t have to go look for work. He has stood by me through our two pregnancies and sacrificed to ensure he makes time for me and the babies. He has been very active in helping me with our two babies under two years that I have not felt like I am doing it on my own. Being very present and hands on in raising them and being an African in Africa this is not a common thing and is even looked at by many as being weak and unmanly. He has decided to obey God and glorify Him in how he carries out his role as husband and father.
Happy father’s Day to you Brian and to all men who like him are working so hard letting the Holy Spirit work in them and enable them to take up their God given roles as husbands and fathers.
My husband, Dave, is a good man. He works very hard to provide for our family. He has given me my dream home, and lots of great family vacations. Dave is paying for college for our young adult kids, and he is available when they need him for talking, praying, or moving from one apartment to another. He leads our family spiritually by spending time with The Lord and reading The Bible every day. When the kids were young, he led family devotions using stuffed animals, and giving “donkey rides” on his back. He is my hero.
I very much appreaciate and endorse this post because I have been VERY blessed throughout my life to know quite a number of good guys. My dad is the best in the world, with his flaws and mistakes, his love as a father was second to none which helped me embrace the love of God so easily and make a perfect choice in my life partner. My husband, Delvin Forde is a superstar!!! He is an extraordinary husband and father who sacrifices for our family everyday. I have great friends who have been excellent examples of awesome husbands and fathers, so this fathers’ day I salute all the great dads out there!!!!
My guy traveled for the first 30 years of our marriage, working on freight trains. He went to work in blizzards and 90 degree heat. Many times he would stay awake to spend time with our five kids when he got home, would go to bed after being up 24 hours, but get called to go back to work after only minutes of sleep.
Last week, while riding his bicycle, a car vs bike accident started a new season of healing and rest for him (broken ribs, broken vertebrae, partially collapsed lung, separated shoulder) and what is he most upset about? That we need to cancel our two-week vacation to celebrate 40 years of marriage. He’s upset that I’M missing what we had both looked forward to.
Single gals, if a man you are dating only works when it’s convenient and has no clue how to put the needs of others before his: RUN! Those seemingly, at first blush, insignificant issues become significant as the years go on. These things are deal breakers!
Our 40 years have gone so fast. I’m thinking being married to a selfish man wouldn’t have flown by with such ease.
#sleepingwithoutregret
My husband…he is among the good,not perfect men…he has sacrificed so much for me..I sometimes feel so selfish!
I celebrate him today and forever..
Am so grateful to God for his kindness thru my beloved husband.
I was trying to buy a Father’s Day card for my husband and ended up empty-handed. Most of them turn the attention to the children on how great they are, or to the father as the blame of what poor decisions children have made (I learned it from you, Dad). I know it is meant to be humorous, but honestly!? I married a man that has demonstrated healthy jealousy for his children and myself, protecting and providing more than what we need. I look at my sons and rejoice on how they love their families in a sacrificial way. The way he has provided and treated me has exceeded any of my expectations, and I know it is because of the work of Christ in our lives. He is a humble servant to his family and a great example. He is my gentle giant. He has a silent strength and wisdom that is easily confused as weakness, but our hearts are tied very strongly with strings of love. May God protect and use him powerfully for his kingdom. Thank you for this encouraging posting.
Gary, thank you for this! My husband is a wonderful, hard-working, loving and understanding man. He listens to me, helps, respects and honors me. As one of the ladies above stated, he is by no means perfect, but he strives to find and obey the perfect One as best he can, and he helps me to become a better daughter in Christ. I am so thankful and blessed to have him, He is one of the good ones!
One of your best blogs ever, Gary. Thank you for the tenderness, compassion, and strength with which you included all of your readers. I plan to send this to my son-in-law, and the book too.
This is a good word, Gary. My husband is not perfect, but he is a good man that tries to do his best for me and our kids. He is a hard worker, great provider and loves Jesus. I am one of the fortunate ones =)
To the good guys who are getting discouraged by the way the world seems to blame all men for the bad behavior of some – keep on keeping on. Every time you choose to act the right way, you are giving a little more hope and healing to the women who are wondering if all men are as bad as the one/s who have hurt them so much. You have no idea how your lives are slowly changing the views of women who have been damaged by the ‘bad guys’.
To my husband… Thank you for working hard for healing in your life, our marriage, and our children! It hasn’t been easy but you are not a quitter! God has given you strength to pursue the hard paths and you have become victorious over many things! You are a great dad! Thank you for all the time you spend with our children! Most of all, showing them how to see God as their loving Father and teaching them the truth in love! They are blessed to have you as their dad!! Happy Fathers Day sweetie! Love you!
Thsnk you for writing this.
Happy Father’s Day to my husband, Nathan. He is one of the Good Guys. We have grown so much together and couldn’t have done it without his lead, grace and support. We also wouldn’t be where we are today without our true brothers and sisters in Christ who stepped up and have walked along side us through good and bad. We love you. The ultimate thanks and love belong to our Lord. Thank you Lord Jesus for your sacrifice.
Ordered the book!!!!
What a beautiful and courageous post, Gary. Thank you!
I’m going to print this out and read it to both my Dad and my husband, to thank them for modeling my Heavenly Father so well. <3
I really enjoyed reading this post. I am not married, but am so grateful for the wonderful men in my life. My Dad worked so hard my whole childhood and used the profits of his labor, not only to help my brother and me with our graduate studies, but to put my cousins through college while their family went through a hard season. My grandfather was the most thoughtful and kind man that I have known. I imagine most people in the tiny town I grew up in have a story detailing how my grandfather helped them in a tough time. Always the optimist, he signed up for a 6 year term as a deacon at his church age 85! Every time we got together the would always ask me what God was doing in my life, how I was serving my community and what my opinion was on various theological issues. What a sweet way to make your granddaughter feel cherished!
Now, I am blessed to see my brother pursuing his wife-to-be with such care and thoughtfulness. He is working a second job to help purchase a home before they get married and to help make her dream of being able to stay home with children, when they come, for the first few years, a reality.
Thank you, Lord, for the faithful men in my life!
God is so good to give me such a loving, sacrificing and cherishing husband and father of our now adult children. We both came from single mom households and didn’t know much about marriage. The bumps along the way were eventually smoothed out because he was determined to stay the course. I learned forgiveness, grace and patience from my hubby. It looked so easy for him to display, but it was hard for me. He loved me through it. Wow!
My guy is a tender hearted worshiper of the Lord Jesus. He serves Him and His people well. I love that about him.
My husband takes good care of me, is chivalrous and is very considerate of me. He is the same for our children. I am so thankful he pursued me so many years ago. He is definitely one of the ‘good guys’. He is a great guy.
Judy Anderson
What a beautiful tribute to your husband.
Brought tears to my eyes
May you have many happy years ahead of you.
Amen, Gary! I believe wholeheartedly that so many good men are out there, loving their wives, caring for their families, leading the church. The bad ones make me angry for getting so much attention and making men generally look bad—when I know so many great guys who are not like that. Thank God for the men who champion truth, righteousness, and personal honor. And I thank God for you being among them.
Great blog Gary. I am one of the blessed wives who has a husband who has never given a sermon. He doesn’t preach Christ, He lives it. He is a truck driver and dispatcher for a construction company. We have been married 43 years. 10 years in, I ended up in a wheelchair, impaired from the neck down. That’s when he got saved and has literally served me and loved me like Christ loves His church every single day since then. He is not a perfect man but he is a great man. He deserves all the honor, respect, love and appreciation in the world for who he is and how he cares for & loves his family. He has always made time to do special things with our daughter and later our 2 grandchildren. Now when they are home on leave from the Navy, they can’t wait to continue those one on one adventures with grandpa he started with them as children. My husband is one of a kind, a heart of pure gold but I know there are others as well for those who are single and still looking. This one is mine and I am keeping him. I think his main purpose in life is to love me and make me happy. I try to reciprocate the same but I honor him greatly for the man he is, the father he is and the grandfather he is.
Thank you for that encouraging post. I hope everyone reads it. God Bless.