I got a call from a friend who had some extra time on his hands while he was at the airport waiting for his wife. “Hey, Gary,” he asked me, “why is it that when I came home from a trip, I’m always taking Uber to my house. But when my wife comes home, it’s assumed I’ll be there to pick her up? If I told her to call Uber, it would be a declaration of war!”
We laughed at the double standard and moved on.
Most of my guy friends live with double standards like that.
Another friend has served God and his family heroically. He paid for both of his kids to get through graduate school. He supported his wife while she got her doctorate. But he brings in 100% of the family’s income and he made a reasoned but somewhat risky business move. He still doesn’t know how it’s going to turn out.
He’s not worried about himself; he’s worried about his wife. “Gary,” he said, “I’m a bit old to start over. If this doesn’t pan out, or if I die before it does, what happens to [his wife]? That’s what drives me.”
He could live in a small apartment, but he can’t bear the thought of asking his wife to. He’s overwhelmed by the burden but he’s not responding to the anxiety with sinful behavior. I asked him about it out of concern, and he responded, “Gary, that’s what’s almost sad. I’m too old and tired to be tempted by besetting sin. I just want to go to sleep.”
A third friend, Kevin Harney, is a local church pastor, author, and co-founder of the Organic Outreach International ministry (with his wife). He has many responsibilities and a full life in ministry, but he also enthusiastically supports his wife in her ministry as a co-author on some of her writing projects and a co-presenter at some of her speaking engagements. In fact, one of his wife’s books, Praying With Your Eyes Wide Open is one of my favorite contemporary books on prayer (and I’ve read many books on prayer).
His wife’s younger brother died recently right before Sherry was scheduled to lead a conference on prayer. Kevin quickly volunteered to step in to speak for her at the last minute so that her conference would not need to be cancelled (which would have been a great loss to those who had planned, advertised, and organized it). With a schedule already bursting at the seams, Kevin didn’t have time to do this but he made time to protect his wife’s name and interests. Then, that same day, he got on a plane, flew to join his wife on the other side of the country, and stood by her side as together they delivered the message at her brother’s funeral.
Those are the kinds of guy friends I have. I am surrounded by men who heroically serve, honor, respect, support and cherish their wives.
But when I read Christian blogs and go on social media, I’m bombarded by how awful men are, how they are abusive, power-hungry, dismissive of those who prey on women, and misogynistic. I don’t doubt these stories; many of the readers of this blog have been deeply hurt by men in all those categories. I agree with the voices of many that there needs to be not just less tolerance but no tolerance for the way women have been mistreated by men.
But for this one post, I’d like to highlight and pay deference to some of the good guys.
When I taught a seminary class that was equally divided between men and women, we all laughed at the difference between Mother’s Day sermons and Father’s Day sermons. On Mother’s Day, women get handed roses and chocolates and are told that everything good in the world is good because they created it, touched it, raised it, and blessed it. Men are handed shame, guilt and blame for world events, the breakdown of the family, and the anger of women in general. I just about lost it one Sunday when a pastor chose to preach on Amnon’s raping of Tamar on Father’s Day, asserting that, “if we think about it, all of us men are like Amnon.”
As Father’s Day approaches, let me say that I get why so many women are so angry at so many men. They have a reason to be. I am not defending misogyny, abuse of power, chauvinism, or other male ills. I also get that men’s sins tend to be “creepier” than the sins women are more likely to commit. Of course there’s a double standard. If a woman exposes herself, some wives think their husbands are creepy for looking. If a man exposes himself, everyone thinks he’s creepy for exposing himself. And they’re right.
But can we do one post to celebrate the good husbands, the ones who heroically serve, authentically love, sincerely cherish, and sacrificially give to their wives and children? Can I do that without raising the anger of those who want to vent about how awful their husbands, boyfriends, bosses or pastors have been?
The challenge in doing this is the simple fact that since every man has his compromises and conflicts, the question arises, how perfect does a man have to be to be celebrated?
Samson comes off in the Bible as a man driven by his lusts—for foreign women (including a prostitute), for gambling, and for violence. Samson murders thirty men for their clothes, just to pay off his gambling debts. When I preached on his life recently, I couldn’t use him as a positive example because he’s not. Yet…when you read Hebrews 11, he’s listed among the heroes of faith. Some contemporary bloggers would lose their minds at the writer of Hebrews if he was writing today. They’d boycott his books, demand he be fired and chased out of ministry forever until he is sufficiently shamed for being so insensitive as to imply there was anything positive to say about Samson.
Socially, it is open season on men in general and evangelical men in particular. Sadly, men and evangelicals have given their enemies many easy (and justified) targets to shoot at. But my nature is to be an encourager, and I see so many men and so many churches trying really hard, harder than anyone could imagine, to be among the “good” ones; to serve with good motives; to bless and lift up, not to exert power and authority for the sake of their egos; I see men who have given their wives very comfortable and pleasurable lives at great sacrifice to themselves; I see hundreds of pastors who love God’s word and want to preach it compassionately and fearlessly not for fame and certainly not for fortune, but because they genuinely love God and want to serve people. Yet, if there’s one sentence in a decades’ worth of sermons that could be misconstrued, or one decision in a thousand that may, in hindsight, have lacked discretion, they get pilloried and shamed.
I’m not challenging those who have been deeply hurt by husbands and male pastors, but I do want to encourage the men who feel taken for granted and who often get lumped in with those who deserve censure: God sees your service and your sacrifice. While he hates your sin, he’s on your side and wants you to be forgiven and redeemed, not shamed and shunned. If God can find something to celebrate in a repentant Samson, and then honor Samson for that one small step, he can celebrate you in your repentant brokenness and quest to live a new life.
When I was preparing to preach on Samson (which you can hear here if you want to Samson: for just the sermon, scrub to 22:38). I came across a remarkable book written by Nate Larkin in 2006: Samson and the Pirate Monks: Calling Men to Authentic Brotherhood. With almost unbelievable candor and honesty, and astonishingly good writing (I’m surprised he hasn’t written another book), Nate writes about his horrendous fall into serious and addictive sexual sin, and the road out of it to a life of sacrificial service. I picked up the book hoping to glean something from the life of Samson but that’s not what the book is about. It’s a call for men to stop living independent lives, to form small societies of mutual support and encouragement. We’re not meant to live this life alone and an isolated man who feels shamed and alone is walking toward a fall.
Guys, you know we’re in an open season on men—for some understandable reasons. We’re not going to get a lot of empathy from “the crowd” or on social media. But we can support each other. We can let down our guard with other men and encourage each other to become the kind of men we aspire to be, men who won’t define us by our worst moments, but who will affirm God’s grace, mercy and forgiveness, and inspire us in our aspirations to live, love and serve like Christ.
And for those women, sisters in Christ and wives like mine who genuinely respect us and even like us in spite of our failings and mess ups, bless you. I include Beth Moore in this, who, while challenging the extremes, finds words to affirm the good among those with whom she now has legitimate theological disagreements. Such wives, speakers, writers and sisters in Christ are an oasis of nurturing encouragement in a very angry world.
I’d love for this post to make Samson and the Pirate Monks a best-seller. There are some ugly accounts in it, so for that reason I’d warn traumatized (and I mean that in an empathetic, not judgmental way) women to not read it. But for men who are looking for honesty and a roadmap to encouragement in a world filled with condemnation, this book could be water in the desert.
For the good (not perfect) guys: thanks for your sacrifice. I hope your wives will even praise a few of you in the comments section below.
For those women who have been hurt deeply and traumatically by men: I’m not minimizing your pain. Your hurt is real and justified and needs to be taken seriously. You would have to be a robot not to feel angry and jaded. Just please, for this one post, don’t take offense when I tell some men, “Atta boy; keep it up, brother.”
And wives, if you want to praise your husband below as a message to single women that they don’t have to “settle” for a guy who doesn’t cherish his wife, feel free. I offer this as a very public “Happy Father’s Day” forum.
When I first met my now husband, he shared Nate Larkin’s book with me and told me how being a part of the Samson Society had changed his life. I had been looking for what felt like a long time for a man who who loved God and lived with vulnerability and courage. Now I see that courage and vulnerability every day as he loves and serves me and his girls. He walks closely with other men, seeking to honor God in his life. Oh, how thankful I am for him!
Very encouraging, thanks Gary! I’m fortunate to have a wife who compliments me all the time, and some great men friends who do the same. It makes me want to keep on the straight road. We all need encouragement! Who doesn’t?!
Yes, Gary! There are men that choose to live lives worthy of respect, honor and appreciation. I’m married to one. He’s a Psalm 1 man – a man who loves the Lord and lives by His precepts. He loves and cherishes me (and is still going strong after 42 years of marriage!), is devoted to our family and has lived a life of integrity and faithfulness. The two great loves of my life, the love of Jesus Christ and the love of Curt Kates, have made all the difference in my life! I’m humbled and grateful for their love and I pray other women will be encouraged by this post to celebrate their “good guy” husbands.
Amen, Gary! I am so blessed to have a wonderful earthly father, a man of integrity and good character. I am also so blessed to be married to a Godly “manly” man who loves me, loves God, and provides for me in every way. I realize that I am undeserving of this but I try to affirm him and love him the way Christ desires me to and to think of his positive attributes instead of focusing on anything negative. Thank you so much for this timely reminder. May it be a blessing to many as we celebrate Father’s Day and the men in our lives.
My Beloved is an amazing man. I have watched him grow in the grace of God and be transformed before my eye. It has been day by day and little by little but it has been dramatic. He has always worked hard and sacrificed to provide for our family, but he never murmured or complained about it. I thank God for my husband faithfulness and steadfastness. It has allowed me to grow in God’s grace as well.
My husband is a good guy. He tries with his whole being every day to make sure we, my two girls and I, are ok. He has defied ALL the odds and seeks to live for God. He says his most pressing assignment starts in Jerusalem, home. I stop to salute you honey as one of the good guys!
THANK YOU, Gary for this much needed post. Guys get such a bad rep sometimes. I am fortunate enough to be married to one of those good guys also. Even though he has a successful and vibrant ministry, he always puts his family first, and we feel it. He does whatever it takes to make sure we are protected, guided, and comfortable. Wether it’s simple things like doing homework with the kids, or taking them on getaways, or big things like planning out our future, he does it all with a smile on his face, and a joke coming out of his mouth. Thanks for being such a Godly example to the men in your path, and for being my hero!!
To the man who makes me laugh, who supports me in every way, who goes the extra mile every day to make sure all my needs are met, who loves the Lord and models that love at home to me and the kids, who loves me more than life itself…Happy Father’s Day Mark Daniel…you are the man of my dreams!
Appreciated the article. One clarification: Absalom did not rape Tamar; Amnon, his half brother did. Absalom was Tamar’s brother, and he orchestrated Amnon’s death for what he did to his sister. One could argue that David’s mishandling of the whole sordid affair led to Absalom’s rebellion later. A great story with a lot of tough lessons. Thanks for your efforts on behalf of the body of Christ.
Great post, Gary, and you inspired a short poem. Hope you like it.
The path on which I bless my wife
(and I wish it were not thus)
is that, at coming end of life
I do not make a fuss.
Cancer’s been a savage foe
and has gone to some extremes,
but in my rising, I still know
that it didn’t take my dreams.
The dreams that lift the spirit
and give hope where there is none,
seek Heaven, and draw near it
when the final bell has rung.
So let this be my ‘beatitude’:
I bless my wife with gratitude.
Beautiful
Thank you for writing this. It was actually an answer to prayer. A little backstory… I recently (1 1/2 years ago) got out of a really bad marriage to a man who claimed to be a Christian while also being an alcoholic, committing adultery, and being emotionally abusive. I’ve been reading a lot of blogs, articles etc that have opened my eyes to the truth that just because a person claims to be a Christian, doesn’t mean they are or act like one. It’s been so disheartening learning that so many men in important positions in the christian community aren’t really what they portray themselves to be. So I’ve been asking God, “Are there any good men out there? Why don’t we ever hear about good marriages? Where are the guys that truly love God and also cherish their wives?”. I guess I just needed some encouragement that there are good marriages out there! And it’s worth the risk to take a chance on that again because those marriages DO exist. So again thank you for what you wrote today. It gives me hope.
I’m in your boat having had very selfish abusive and addictive husbands who chose to lose their marriage over their pleasures. I had a wonderful father . From a very young age I knew that my mother, my sister and me where most important to him. I felt very secure because of his self sacrificing ways. My father has gone to heaven, but whenever I think of him the word steadfast comes to mind because it describes him so well.
My husband is a wonderful Godly example to men out there. He constantly puts God first and treats me as Christ does the church. His love for me and our children is an example to many, and his desire to serve and lead other men to this is amazing. I praise God for the work He is doing in my husband’s life.
Don’t settle, there are good men out there. 🙂
Thanks, Gary, for this post. My man is the best! I had made some poor dating choices during my single parenting years and to have been blessed with a godly man who daily sacrifices for our family I can’t thank and praise God enough! Happy Fathers Day, Honey! You too, Gary 🙂
I love this post! Thank you for the reminder that there are good men all around us and that they should be noticed and affirmed. I appreciate your empathy to those wounded by men who behave poorly. I wish men would talk a lot more about what it is to be manly. To this woman, your friend who picked up his wife at the airport, the man who averts his eyes to avoid looking at the woman who exposes herself, the man who makes the TP and milk run after dark without complaining, the man who joined his wife’s ministry and coauthored books and presented seminars with her, the man who turns his chair in the coffee shop so that his only focus is his spouse, the man who refuses to engage in telling dirty jokes, the man who chooses to use godly speech instead of cussing in front of his kids and spouse, and the man who sets godly standards for tv viewing for his family, they are way more manly than the men who stand on the corner catcalling women and cussing them out when they don’t respond or who think it is okay to cop a feel or talk dirty in the workplace. I am sad that the the good guys don’t get noticed and have to admit that my mind is wired to notice the one guy one one group of guys behaving poorly over the guys behaving well. It is partly due to past experience and wanting to stay safe and partly due to my failure to look for the good. Good food for thought!
Thank you Gary for this post. You are absolutely right in what you said about how society today wants to shame men. I have been traumatized by a man (step-father) but I have also been married for 30 years to a wonderful, godly, self-sacrificial, and kind…not to mention incredibly handsome man. God is faithful and I am blessed beyond words to have my husband in my life. There are goods ones out there. Thank God!
I will definitely jump in the laud my good one. My husband relentlessly pursues me, loves his family unconditionally, works hard on sleepless nights and crazy family dysfunction on both sides of the aisle. He has been all in from day one and through ups and downs, sickness and health, richer and poorer, he has stood up and allowed God to transform and shape him. He has withstood my fears and insecurities from a past fraught with abuse and has prayed diligently for our marriage and children. He wrestles with his own fears and doubts but turns to God in everything.
I am so proud to call him my husband and the father of my children. Happy Father’s Day, Jacob Peloquin!
You ARE one of the good guys.
Thank you for reminding us women how quickly we complain and expect So much and usually our Husbands do So much for us!
We need to shout it out, we love our faithful loving husbands and fathers , we are blessed to have them!
Thank you Jack for 46 years of caring for me and helping me grow.
Thank you Gary for writing Sacred Marriage and helping me start the retirement years with the right perspective 💕
I’m married to “one of the GOOD guys”!! For 28 years, he has been faithful, encouraging, protective and my best friend. I was a young divorced girl when I met him- with hurts and fears from a past unfaithful husband. With his love and friendship we have raised our 4 kids- walking through a foster-adopt situation with our fourth. I was recently reminded of Proverbs 31:12, “she brings him good, not harm all the days of her life”. Single ladies- live your life to the full, and trust God to bring one of the “good ones” into your life.
I definitely consider my husband one of the good guys. I waited a long time to get married and ladies … it was worth the wait.
I am so honored to be taken care of my two great men. One from birth to 20 years old and then my wonderful husband. Both are patient and kind and strive to be better Men for their families. They reflect the Father heat of God everyday. No, they’re not perfect and either am I! Couldn’t do life without them. Happy Fathers Day.