Heather married a Christian man who seemed zealous to serve God. He gave generous amounts of money to God’s work and even dreamed of eventually doing a reverse tithe—giving away ninety percent of his income and keeping ten percent for himself.
Today he’s still involved in missions work, still gives away a lot of money, but he sins against God in a particularly painful way every single day of his life. I don’t think he realizes it, but he does.
You see, he had an affair fifteen years ago, divorced Heather, and married the woman with whom he had the affair. Over a decade later, he and his new wife look like a model Christian couple and command a lot of respect, at least from humans. No one wants to judge them because the divorce happened so long ago.
From God’s perspective, things might look a little different.
Heather lives in a modest apartment and now must keep working well into her sixties. Understandably wary because she thought she already had married a “solid Christian man,” she has lost confidence in dating guys that seem fine on the outside because who knows what’s within?
Every day that she is alone in that apartment the sin of divorce hits her afresh. Every day she has to keep working into her sixties, the sin of divorce is renewed. Every day she tries to navigate the pain of adult children who have to “split” time between their parents—meaning she sees them about half as much as she otherwise might—the sin of divorce keeps hurting.
Heather is God’s daughter. Do you think God looks at what has happened and keeps happening to his daughter on a daily basis without anger? This is not to suggest that divorced women are helpless, weak, or unable to fend for themselves. Many do quite well for themselves and even thrive. In other instances, however, divorce can essentially create a “social widow” who becomes newly vulnerable. Her financial options are limited. Her ability to remarry may be compromised.
In the cases of these “social widows,” ex-husbands should take note: according to Scripture there are two demographic groups you don’t want to mess with or oppress, and one of those groups is widows. “Do not take advantage of a widow or an orphan. If you do and they cry out to me, I will certainly hear their cry. My anger will be aroused…” (Ex. 22:22-24a)
When a divorced woman, a social widow, cries out to God, “He ensures that orphans and widows receive justice” (Deut. 10:18).
Society has changed quite a bit in the past four thousand years, often for the better, so not all women feel so vulnerable in the face of divorce. But God isn’t just about his daughters surviving; he wants them to thrive and anyone who stands in the way of his plans can expect appropriate discipline and opposition.
Men, when we marry a woman when she is at her youngest, strongest, and healthiest, and then pursue a divorce because we’ve gotten bored with her or think we’ve found someone more compatible, or younger, or any frivolous reason, it’s not one sin. It’s a daily ongoing sin. Every day you leave your ex-wife in less than cherishing circumstances is a day you have reneged on your vows and newly offend not just your Heavenly Father, but your Heavenly Father in Law.
Women, the same is true for you, as you’re married to one of God’s sons. The man may have disappointed you, but he’s still God’s son. He may have earned less than you thought he would or had more baggage than you realized, but there is no unbiblical divorce that’s a single sin; it’s a daily, on-going sin. While the Bible doesn’t have the same verses about widowers as it does about widows, it does paint Christian husbands as “dearly loved” by God and therefore under His watchful eye.
I mention “unbiblical divorce” because I’m not talking about those forced into divorce to flee abuse and behavior that was slowly destroying them. In those cases, divorce is a cure, not a weapon. In my upcoming book When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom From Toxic Relationships my friend Megan Cox describes her divorce from an abusive and unfaithful husband as a “gift from God.” I don’t want this post to add to the hurt divorced women and men already feel when God has given them refuge. This post addresses a particular kind of divorce, when divorce is used as a weapon instead of a cure.
It’s like chemotherapy: I hate that anyone has to undergo such drastic treatment, but I thank God for the lives chemotherapy has lengthened. It would be the height of cruelty, however, to give chemotherapy to someone who didn’t have cancer and who didn’t need it. Divorce is just like that: terrible, but sometimes necessary, and outright reprehensible if used when not needed.
We live in a culture of binary thinking—when I challenge divorce, I’m going to get pushback from those who feel I’m challenging them because of their own divorce. I’m not. I’ve spoken plenty about the church standing up for women in abusive marriages, in my books and several blog posts such as Enough is Enough. But sometimes, to be honest, anti-abuse advocates are so (understandably) sensitive about defending divorced women they become angry when I mention that most divorces are still a sin, as if I’m judging them. I’m not.
What I am saying here is that unbiblical divorce isn’t just a sin—it’s an ongoing sin. It’s the difference between an unmarried couple that gives into passion one night and has sex and the couple that decides to live together. Spiritually speaking, those are two different situations. Divorce is like the latter.
So, just as I advocated for those who have needed to find refuge in divorce, let’s remember that unbiblical divorce isn’t without consequences. I hate seeing women (and some men) left lonely and aching while some other spouse has “moved on” and finds full acceptance and respect without honestly considering not just the harm they’ve done, but the harm they keep on doing.
Ann Wilson, co-author with her husband of The Vertical Marriage, mentions several conversations with people who got divorced rather young, remarried, and now, looking back, realize they could have and should have made the first marriage work. They were just frustrated and disappointed, and the second marriage convinced them that no marriage is easy. We need to find a way to gently encourage such couples to hang in there and make it work. Without shaming abused women to stay in a destructive marriage, we also have to remind couples that the marriage covenant is a serious one that is designed by God to be broken only by death. We’re in a new phase of the church where, in order to avoid appearing judgmental, we may be becoming too lax and too “tolerant” of divorce for reasons that could and should be fixed. This grieves the heart of God and makes us weaker people while creating a weaker church and hurting children who grow up in broken homes.
So what if you’re that guy or that woman, who divorced your spouse when you know you shouldn’t have? If reconciliation is possible (i.e., if remarriage hasn’t occurred), you work your way back, as much as your ex is willing. If they’re not, you wait. How long? I can’t answer that in this blog, but any responsible answer is measured in years, not months (again, I’m not talking about those who escaped abusive marriage or sexually unfaithful marriages when it might be unwise and unsafe to ever return).
Men, if remarriage isn’t possible, I believe you owe it to your ex to make sure you’re not living better than she is. If someone has a bigger house (or a house instead of an apartment), it should be her. If someone drives a newer car, it should be her. If one of you has to keep working later in life, it should be you. You made a pledge that was between you, your wife, and God. The state’s legal dissolution doesn’t negate a covenant made in the sight of God. Repentance isn’t just about feeling sorry; it involves making things right, as much as it is in your power to do so.
I still stand by my blog post “Enough is Enough,” on not shaming women to stay in abusive marriages. In rare circumstances divorce can be a cure, but far more often it is used as a weapon without considering the ongoing sin that such a divorce represents. As people who made our pledge before a God whose memory is long and whose passion for his children is fierce, let’s live our lives accordingly.
Truthful and gracious words, Gary, and I can tell you put a lot of thought into all the disclaimers necessary for this blog post. I’m praying that God will soften the hearts of your readers and protect you from hurtful and angry comments. ~Sarah
So if you are divorced and remarried but serving Christ with your new spouse. You did not leave an abusive relationship but your ex-husband was unfaithful. Your new husband is divorced but his ex-wife is also remarried and living quite well. Are we all still sinning every day? If so, how do we find forgiveness in Christ? Is there no grace for us? Do we get divorced to make it right and never remarry? I am trying to find a way to understand since Christ does forgive but it sounds like we are not forgiven? I want to live right but it seems that in this instance I cannot.
Damaris,
First, if your husband had an affair, I don’t believe you had an “unbiblical divorce.” Second, we live by God’s grace. A drunk driver who kills a pedestrian can’t bring that pedestrian back to life. The “ongoing sin” is thus tremendous, but God’s grace extends even to ongoing sin. Some things can’t be “fixed,” and in the case of remarriage, I believe we most honor God by loving our second spouses the way we should have loved our first and, when necessary, still honoring our first vows as I stated in the blog if they need extra financial help. This is tricky, as you don’t want to punish or deprive your second spouse either. This takes sensitive, objective counsel, beyond what general advice can be offered in a blog.
For you, I’d say, be the best wife to your current husband that you can be. Thank God that he is a God of mercy and grace and that you can live in peace because of the forgiveness won by Jesus, whose death and resurrection we’ll celebrate anew in a just a few weeks. While conviction is necessary and appropriate, every believer still lives by those three blessed words, “It is finished.”
The other women saw the successful man and what her future could be and put her eye on the prize and destroyed the lives of three precious souls. The college funds and futures were squandered in court and the mom had to go back to work to keep the home, the children in the school district, and government assist for survival as mom had stayed home for the children and not built her career. The ex-wife/mom was born with life long health issues but that did not stop the husband/dad from taking off with the bimbo with reconstructive surgery. The churches were not the help this family needed during this challenging time. I learned this story from the daughter after she was grown and the far reaching effects of her father’s choices were devastating to that family. Another co-worker’s story is just the same. Broken women moving on trying to make the best of it just like their moms had to. These are successful educated women but still so deeply emotionally scarred. This is the norm not the exception. A very true epidemic in America and it’s churches. Continue to follow the moving of your soul to talk about the topics plaguing Christian America today. It has been ignored for too long!!
A very thoughtful and brave post about such a sensitive subject; thank you Gary. We see your heart in this.
Yes, yes, yes & yes! Even within my own Catholic faith that does not permit divorce but allows annulments for the exact situations you stated, there’s a growing tolerance of this horrendous sin. As if it’s justified, because it’s so common?!! Keep up the great work Gary! I’ve mentioned it before but will say again that you would so enjoy “Love & Responsibility” by St. JPII. So much of what you write reminds me of what he wrote & taught regarding marriage.
It is not always so cut and dry. Sometimes, mistakes are made after years of one partner trying fervently to make the marriage work.
Thank you so much!!!!!
On a subject where it is difficult to walk the narrow line without falling off in error on one side or the other, you have done a great job! Divorce hurts even when it is necessary. My husband and I were married for 10 years, divorced for 15 years, and now remarried for 7 years. God is faithful and good! He can melt hearts of stone and change the lepers’ spots! He is still transforming us!
Thank you for sharing this Nancy. Our God is so powerful, He can effect great healing and offer great hope. You and your husband are living proof of that.
your message made me cry a lot. My husband left me unplanned and relocated to another country for the past two years. All attempts to reconcile and make things work proved futile. I even travelled twice to see him but he isn’t interested in the marriage.
I have now filled for a divorce after two long painful years of waiting even though I am very hurt. he left me when I needed him the most and I’ve spent so much money, time effort to make it work.
am I wrong to go with a divorce? does God hate me? I have so many questions but one thing I know is that waiting for him is futile because he has moved on. I’m still so hurt.
I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through. As a pastor, I believe it would be malpractice to pronounce whether a divorce is warranted or not by reading three short paragraphs but it sounds to me like this is the classic abandonment clause Paul talks about in 1 Cor. 7:10-16. I urge you to discuss this with a pastor who can care for you appropriately.
Hi Gary. Fully concur with your sentiments yet one question arises: if he still is wealthy and gives much for the Kingdom, where is the divorced woman’s solicitor not requiring that a far greater alimony be paid to her, at least? (This thought came to me as a practical suggestion.)
Thanks for raising this issue Charles. What I’ve found far too often is that godly women sometimes think letting men “off the hook” is part of forgiving them. In the vast majority of cases, I couldn’t disagree more. As a pastor, when a woman has been attacked by divorce in this way, I urge them to get an aggressive lawyer who will represent them going forward in just the way that you suggest. Especially if she has children, she shouldn’t see this as selfish. Even if she doesn’t have children, her time matters, and if she can use more of it to live the life God has gifted her to live, she should pursue it as zealously as she can. It’s not being spiteful–it’s being faithful to the call of God.
What about women who live in countries where no money = no lawyer = left with nothing, not even their children?
Not all christian women have “let their husbands off the hook”. They simply have no way to get representation to protect themselves in a world full of injustice.
Hi Gary,
Thank you for this excellent post. So true, so sensitively written, and so seldom being said. Thanks for going into hard places, and speaking God’s heart. And as one coming out of 35 years of abuse, I appreciate your many reminders that you are not talking about remaining in that situation.
You rightly speak of the sin of divorce, but you fail mention the sin of adultery that follows when one marries after they divorce their covenant spouse. The addition of that ONGOING sin unto death is even a GREATER burden on the abandoned spouse and their children. And this most usually happens to two families, not one.
I’ve just divorced my wife. She left me for another guy. Is living like the woman at the well. I got tired of the emotional abuse of I’m not allowed sex with my wife
To her now giving herself to him. I’m suppose to wait! I’m moving slowly forward. Going to dig harder into God.
I thought I wouldn’t be a divorced man ever. Turns out that sin was brought into the family from my mom’s dad.
I messed up my marriage in so many ways.
Yes I’m quilty for divorcing her. She has turned her back on God. How she lives is her decision. Free will. I am responsible for my life. I’m trusting God. Leaving her in His hands. I’m going to concentrate on my walk with the Lord.
Howard,
I’m so sorry. It would be devastating to me to be treated by my wife like you’ve been treated by yours. I hope you understand that yours isn’t the situation I’m addressing in this post. I understand you are feeling hurt, but I’m not (without knowing the whole situation, of course) certain you should be feeling guilt.
Hi Gary, I totally get the thinking behind this blog but don’t agree with the ‘ongoing sin’ based on ‘ongoing consequences of sin’ concept. Saying someone who sins by divorcing a spouse (ultimately because of the hardness of their hearts) CANNOT have repented as long as the other spouse suffers hardship as a consequence of the divorce is like saying someone who has a child outside of marriage continues to sin everyday that child grows! Repentance from sin simply can’t be measured by the effects &/or the ongoing consequences of sin.
I totally agree that a former spouse should look to the welfare of the estranged spouse where possible, practical and wise. It is in keeping with the counsel of scripture to continually pursue peace with everyone…
“Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal.” (Hebrews 12:12-16)
The idea however of “ongoing sin” as measured by the ongoing consequences doesn’t sit within the new testament teaching of repentance and forgiveness of sins through faith. For example: “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:8-9). Forgiveness of sin & purification from ALL unrighteousness is on the basis of a repentant heart making a confession to God in faith. The implications of your ‘ongoing sin’ concept could have application in all forms of sin but based on your other writings, I don’t think you are advocating a repentance from sin that depends on works to redress the wrongs done i.e. some sort of “ongoing retribution”.
I am not trying to water down the message of this blog in any way. The truth still holds that in many (if not most) of the divorce cases (amongst Christians), it is sin and repentance is required! Fruit consistent with repentance will include each really looking out for the welfare of the other. This is in keeping with the whole counsel of scripture e.g. “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4)
Nancy,
I think I understand your point, but I certainly disagree comparing leaving a woman in divorce and caring for a child conceived out of wedlock. In no way is it a sin, nor can I imagine anyone calling it “ongoing sin” to raise and love a child created in the image of God. Perhaps that’s just a bad analogy.
What you are correct in pointing out (and I’m thankful you are doing so to make an important distinction) is the difference between sin’s punishment and our call to respond righteously (which doesn’t earn our forgiveness but is still essential). Let me try another analogy: a drunk driver hit a friend of mine in high school, leaving him in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. True repentance, in my view, would be setting aside a portion of his income to support a man whose ability to earn his own way was taken from him early on. The government would never demand that, but i believe repentance does. It’s NOT about salvation (which I think you’re focusing on) or acceptance before God. We are accepted, as you wisely point out, by the work of Christ, not our own. I look at this more as a CURRENT obligation than addressing past sins. After all, John writes, “If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person?” (1 John 3:17)
All sin needs the grace of God, including ongoing sin. You’re right that we don’t “make up” for past sins by addressing the consequences of our sins. Thank you for stressing that. But the fact that we don’t need to do that to be forgiven doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do it for the sake of righteousness. Does that make sense?
The ‘consequences’ of the sin for sure are ongoing and continual and likely impact generations. With this in mind, local churches must train and mentor men as husbands and train and mentor women as wives.
This is so good. I talk with women frequently in difficult marriages. You addressed this so well.
Thank you for being clear that abuse is valid reason for divorce! This is eye opening for the body to reach out and take care of divorced women as we do widows.
Since I am that woman that had an unfaithful husband and am now 55, I think I can objectively comment here. I had 3 back surgeries before leaving my oppressed situation and do not have a formal education. No longer able to do hairdressing because of my back, I wasn’t sure what I’d do for an income but I just knew I had to get out of the mess that resulted in the loss of my health. And yes I’ve struggled financially, while he has the ability to make a lot of money and has remarried.
I appreciate your protectiveness for this woman and women like me, but I’d like to say that it made me feel that, first of all, it encourages a victim mentality. I’m so thankful that Texas law now supports women like me who worked in the home to support her husband and the courts deemed me worthy of spousal support. This chunk of money helped me to gain my strength physically and find what I need to do for my financial future.
I left my husband at 50, started mountain biking at 51, got my Personal Trainer Certificate at 52, Design Consultant Certification at 53, Insurance license at 54 and started a business in Window Treatments and Interior Design this year at 55. I refuse to allow my life to be a byproduct of someone else’s choices. With man, these things might be impossible, but with God all things are possible and He gives beauty for ashes. If I would have had a father or friends that patted me on the back through my divorce and said, “Ah, poor thing” then I probably would have been held back from going forward.
But the second thing and more importantly is that this kind of thinking has the vision of seeing through this woman’s eyes instead of God’s eyes. Even though my husband will have to suffer great discipline for all he has done to me because we always reap what we sow, I believe he is completely forgiven and his sins though they be as scarlet are white as snow, if he has truly repented. I understand there is a worldly repentance that works death but godly repentance brings life and peace. So this is why I say truly repented. If we begin by adapting the belief that one sin has the power to hold us, even after repentance, then we have veered from the gospel even if only a small degree. I’m afraid of where that course could end though. If this one sin can not be forgiven completely, then there should have been a disclaimer in 1 John right after the clause of “all unrighteousness”. Believe me, I’m not defending my ex. I’m thankful that he didn’t “get by” with all the pain he has caused me. But I refuse to be a victim, because God has made me more than victorious through Jesus. And I refuse to hold any debt that he owes me, because of all the debts I’ve been released from … So thankful!
I usually agree with your messages Gary and appreciate them so very much. Our singles group studied with your Sacred Search DVD and study book and it was awesome. Thank you for all you do for us singles. I continue to need your insights and encouragement! Many blessings on your ministry and home life!
Kimberly, I’m in awe of your courage and your graciousness. You make it difficult to disagree with anything you say by relying on just the right scriptures. And I especially appreciate the “no victim” mentality.” I try to live by the same code and admire it in others.
I’m just not so sure others are as strong as you. My intent wasn’t to make women resent their exes, and perhaps I didn’t guard against that enough. My intent was to warn men away from a very serious act and very serious sin with very serious consequences BEFORE it occurred. In my zeal to do that, I may have taken a few shortcuts that you “caught.” And I’m grateful to you for bringing in this perspective.
This post enlightened my thinking on divorce. Divorce for any reason is too lightly accepted today in the church.
I know several couples like this and I’ve experienced social disadvantages through a years and years-long emotionally and eventually physically abusive divorce. But God tells us that our reward is great. Narcissism can’t be cured–it just can’t, and churches often only listen to members who dole out the most money. For those of us who have lived this, or versions of it, it strikes home. This needs to be a call on churches to be more real, more honest, and to have some gonads in recognizing that they sometimes are enablers.
So very true! Churches and “christian” families of the spouse acting in this ungodly way need to actively speak up for victims – not just speak, but do everything in their power to act to help victims and hold those who break their marriage vows but still call themselves christian accountable.