“It’s been miserable, Gary,” the woman confessed. “We’ve only been married for three years but it has been the worst three years of my life. My husband has just been awful. And what frustrates me so much is that God confirmed that I was supposed to marry him, ten times over.”
You could have served the bitterness in her voice to a thousand people.
In another conversation, another woman, married not just years, but decades, to a man who proved to be pathological, slipped in the same sigh and words, “But God told me to marry him.”
To these and many others who said, “God told me to marry him/her,” I want to cry out, “No, He didn’t.”
How can I say that?
My response is simple: How can you say the opposite? There is nothing in Scripture that suggests there is just one person we’re ‘supposed’ to marry. Proverbs 31 urges young men to be guided by a woman’s faith and character in making their choice—there is no mention of second guessing some divine destiny. In 1 Corinthians 7, the apostle Paul tells women (widows, in particular) to seriously consider singleness, but assures them the choice of whether to get married is up to them, and then specifically says women can marry “whomever they wish” as long as their potential husband is ‘in the Lord.’ (v. 39) If the Bible explicitly says, ‘it’s your call whether or not to get married’ (a sentiment Jesus echoes when he says some “choose” to become eunuchs—celibate—in Matthew 19:12, with emphasis on the word “choose”) and it’s entirely your choice as to who to marry, why should your subjective feelings and reasoning override living by the truth of Scripture?
There is, quite frankly, nothing in Scripture that ever tells us it is our sworn duty to marry one particular person. Whether we marry, and who we marry, are spoken of in Scripture as part of God’s “permissive will,” something He allows us to choose.
Is it possible God has told a couple to get married? Look, I’m not going to put God in a box. I can’t say “He can do this but He can never do that” (and thus I’m admitting the title of this blogpost is a bit provocative to make a point). All I can say is that the clearest scriptural teaching makes marriage our choice—both as to whether we get married and to whom we marry. Presuming that some mystical leaning you’ve received overrides a clear biblical teaching is always risky and often foolish (regardless of how many times God seems to subjectively “confirm” this call; after all, God objectively said something very different in Scripture).
Why does this matter?
To move forward, we have to own up to our choices—why we made them and how to be responsible in the face of them. To a woman who was abused by her dad and then married an abusive husband, I’d say, with a pastoral heart, “You were deeply sinned against and hurt. The kind of man you felt ‘comfortable’ with, because of your upbringing, wasn’t good for you, so you chose a man who continued your father’s practices. Psychologically, that’s perfectly explainable, but let’s discuss how the grace of Christ can redeem your situation, help you evaluate what the right thing to do now is, and help you make better choices in the future.” I would never tell a woman who had been abused by her dad that God’s “perfect will” was for her to also marry a violent husband. There is nothing about the biblical doctrine of God’s providence that demands that application, unless you slip all the way over to determinism.
Far healthier, spiritually, than to sit in resentment against God, is to say to yourself, “I chose this man/woman. It might or might not help to explore why. But since I made the choice of my own free will, I bear certain responsibilities for the commitment I have made.” Then God becomes your ally, not your enemy, in helping you face the future. Instead of, “God, why did you lead me into this mess,” you’ll pray, “God, help lead me out of the mess I’ve made.”
That’s a huge difference, spiritually speaking.
On another level, the virtues of kindness, faithfulness and goodness demand that if I convinced someone to marry me, or agreed to marry someone, knowing it was a lifetime commitment, knowing it would be beyond complicated to dissolve the union, I need to step up to face the lifetime consequences. That means not just staying married but staying engaged in the marriage, working to make it the best for this person that I can.
If you’re a single person reading this, I implore you to avoid trying to “second guess” God’s will as to who you “should” marry and instead look for the character qualities in a spouse the Bible exalts. What I’m saying may not sound very romantic, but please realize that the consequences to living by a sentimental romanticism are real—and in the case of marriage, can be long-lasting. I just received an email last week, saying,
“Sadly, I was one of those people who believed with all my heart that God has only one person for me to marry. I also believed that God would do the choosing. I believed it was God’s will for me to marry my husband. This has had disastrous consequences. Based on all the things you outlined in The Sacred Search, my husband and I should not have gotten married.”
Here’s what I’m going to insist on: Just because you think God wants you to marry one particular person, doesn’t mean He does. And just because God doesn’t “stop” you from marrying someone doesn’t mean He agrees with you that it’s a wise decision (he didn’t “stop” a lot of people from robbing banks who are even now serving time in prison). He will never forsake you. He will be with you every second of that marriage, giving you the grace of Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit to live by your decision, but He has stated in His word that it is your decision, so it is risky to assume otherwise.
Rise up to your regal calling in Christ and own your decision. Of course, seek God’s blessing, but just as much, seek His wisdom in Scripture. While the Bible is silent on how you can definitively know who you’re “supposed” to marry, it does talk about the process of making wise decisions—applying biblical principles, seeking wise counsel, being deliberate and wise in your choice, considering the future, and basing your decision on the right priorities.
As the sad e-mailer suggests, I hit this hard in my book The Sacred Search and I’d suggest if this is still not clear to you, that you check out that resource. http://www.garythomas.com/books/sacred-search/
Genesis 24:14 “Let the young woman to whom I shall say ‘Please let down your jar that I may drink’ and who shall day ‘Drink and I will water your camels’- let her be the one whom you have appointed for your servant Isaac.”
Genesis 24:50 “Then Laban and Bethuel answered and said, “The thing has come from the Lord we cannot speak to you bad or good.”
Michael, it would be wonderful if God still worked in this way, would it not? “Dan, when you go out cycling today, you’re going to come upon a woman with a flat tire, she will be wearing a pink Trek riding Jersey, she is to be your wife.” I WOULD JUST PLAIN LOVE THAT!!! And I’m not kidding one little bit!!
Dear Gary, Oh that every person wanting to marry would read your information and take it to heart. I am big on personal responsibility, but when I was a new Christian in my early twenties, most of my contemporaries, me included, were looking for some kind of “sign” be it an emotional tug or feeling of some sort, or a message from God Himself in the clouds as to whether it was “His will”l to marry so and so. Guess how many marriages ended out of our church born out of the Jesus People Movement? From the pastors on down almost ALL ended. How tragic and sad, I am talking probably 90%. Even for an unbeliever your information about our responsibility to choose wisely would benefit them as well. Choose wisely, stay objective. And if you did choose poorly, make the very best of your marriage. In the end life is short here….have integrity. It goes without saying, but I am not advocating staying in the same home with a man or “woman” who would be endangering your life or the lives of children, or there is unrepentant and repeated adultery. Suffice to say, your main message is so needed. I was already of the same persuasion, but it is wonderful to see it brought forth in print by you. You have certainly earned my respect and thanks.
You know, Dan, every principle God is teaching, Satan tries to pervert it…so people loose confidence in God, and make poor choices.
The fact that any man, believer or unbeliever, is hold responsible for his own choices, does not contradict the guidance of God. In fact, both work in very perfect harmony and are syncronized.
You are bringing here a false dichotomy, as the article of Gary “False choices” points out. The false dichotomy is this: Should God give me a sign that this is His will or should I just choose wisely on my own?
Well, these 2 are not in contradiction, but complement and sustain each other. If God speaks to you, you have to discern spiritually if He indeed is the one speaking. If you make your choices on your “objective criteria” (if those really exist), you should compare them to God’s responses to your prayers and questions (asking Him about His take on your “wise, objective” choices).
I am so sorry for all people finding themselves in divorces and horrific marriages. The reality of this happening does not exclude both biblical principles that God does have a specific plan for the life of every of His children and that each of His children is responsible before Him for every choice they make.
I am so overwhelmed by this post as it brought confirmation to my questioning heart.
I spent years doubting God because I didn’t understand why He “chose” an abusive husband for me. Throughout my marriage to him I was told that God gave him to me and he was my cross to bear. That I needed to submit more and pray for him in order for him to love and treat me the way he should. When I would bring up the question of free will and whether that included picking a spouse I was quickly told God doesn’t make mistakes. I even had a friend have me go through Sacred Marriage with her as a way to make me stop questioning why. And I did for a while. I was so confused and doubted whether God really had my best at heart. I even questioned His love for me. I needed to know that the man I married was not God’s choice but one I had made. There is so much to my story but in the end, my ex-husband wouldn’t get help and in order to protect our five children, it ended in a horrific divorce. To this day I still struggle with whether I did the right thing and whether or not God approves of my new marriage because of the things people say. But I do know this, the man I am now married to loves Jesus and he adores me. His love for me allows me the sweetest reminders on a daily basis of the way God loves me. It has made such a difference in my life. Thank you again for this post.
God can tell you who to marry and your marriage fails or You may make your own choice and your marriage fail the same way! There is no direct relationship between God taking the lead before wedding day and failure right in through the marriage. Mankind are broken and need s Savior to save them from themselves EACH day! Whether it is a lustful unfaithful husband or wife,hard-tempered spouse, selfish spouse; it all represents our fallen nature. I have lived with broken imperfect siblings like me for over twenty years! I did not ask God before birth who were the right and perfect siblings for me! God predestined them to be my blood! We loved and still love each other through all the fighting and disagreements we have had over the decades! Why? Because we are bound by our understanding that we are siblings for life and that is not with a choice should we be siblings or not! If you fought with your siblings or parents but fell back on the love you hold for each other why does problems with your other half mean God doomed you into a deadly marriage? Your spouse is a HUMAN and chances are that he/she will be more troubled with their own “self” than being perfect! We should stop go for our weddings with our minds closed to only “happily ever after” thinking. Instead we should make vows as signing a contract with the devil coming after your marriage to destroy it just as he wants to destroy both of you individually! But he won’t if you go on a daily war to keep him out through waging back a spiritual battle in the spiritual realms. The world is on a fast pace and it carries us with it and before we know it we have lost touch with the FATHER and we are miserable and in a mess in most areas of our lives! So it is not about the spouse you already have it is about the choices you will make in believing God for the best in your marriage and applying his word in it.
So…how does this help the people who have already made their choice of spouse? How would you counsel those people? Would you tell them they made the wrong choice? I’m sorry, but I believe God is sovereign, so even our choices (“right” or “wrong”) are under His sovereignty. This article seems to be all focused on us making the right choices, when the Scriptures say to trust in the Lord, not in ourselves.
Hi Sandra, my name is Dan and I read your post with interest and for what it’s worth would like to reply to it. In my opinion, it would help an individual who has already chosen a spouse by clearing away any confusion about “Darn, I married the wrong person so now I’ll have to try it again.” The best route is to take responsibility for the “choice” we made and stick with God’s guidelines and live up to the commitment one makes at the altar before God. Even if someone has “chosen” to marry an unbeliever, God instructs us to stay in the marriage and by your example be a good witness to the unbeliever. If we chose poorly, we can resolve to make the very best of our circumstances. We are most certainly to trust in the Lord, but as far as choosing a lifetime mate, He gives us guidelines to follow and the faculties to choose wisely. I only wish I had the information Mr. Thomas lays out when I was young and wanting to marry. Although I had the best intentions, I did in fact choose poorly and had a very painful marriage for 27 yrs at which time my spouse left. God is sovereign, but He will not “force” us beyond our own will. You might say the buck stops with us, so make wise life choices and reap the benefits of doing so.
Take up your cross, bro.
Marriage isn’t meant to be a wealth spring of happiness. God had much more in mind than that. It’s training for the big day. This is all just a practice run. The bible is full of text that assures us that this life is basically meant for you to struggle against as much sin as possible before your final purging on the last day. Marriage is a way to open light to your selfishness and your partners selfishness. Christ is our marital partner. When it’s all said and done, we’re not even married in heaven anymore anyways. Remember – this isn’t the person of your dreams. Christ is.
As much as i agree with you but i know God still speaks. He gave us the Holy Spirit to guide us. When People says it was God’s will for me to marry this it may be true coz simply isnt in the bible doesnt mean it is not true coz there cases God speaks to people individually for a certain purpose he has for them, but again God’s will is his Word. What does his Word say about marriage? You cant tell me you are a christian a believer and you marry a non-believer and you say it is God’s will, i mean as much as i dnt agree as Paul didnt saying how far are you sure you will change them but again as i said before unless if God wants to accomplish something. Another thing if God tells you to marry someone and then your marriage is in trouble dnt start saying maybe it wasnt God. Troubles will come but as Christians with Holy Spirit in you and fruits of the Holy Spirit you need to know how to solve that. Wisdom of God is also in us.
Well God has certainly Failed me a lot of times since i am hoping to meet a Good woman to share my life with, and it seems he has Blessed so many other men and women to be together with their Families. Hey God what did we do that was so bad?, especially when many of us would’ve wanted the same thing.
Dear Renae
Thank you for your response. I will try to give you my understanding in your case, assuming you wrote being vulnerable on this website for the benefit of all readers, with a pastoral heart.
I re-read your previous post – so your ex husband married someone else. So indeed there is no hope for your marriage to be saved. Now from what you said in the previous post and this one I understand God was angry at how you treated Himself (your behavior towards Him) and you said that the death of your marriage set you free spiritually. I understand that God used this failure to make you alive in Him and maybe even give you salvation in the sense of genuinely being born again. Now, I don’t think that was the case when you married years ago, so God would not need to transform you the way He did if you alredy were “alive”. That means that…your leading from God when you were not exactly “alive spiritually” is more a pshychological peace because, theologically speaking ( I am sorry for the hardness of this principle) if someone is “”spiritually dead”” he cannot possibly hear any voices from a Living God, right (he is deaf-dead right)?
Now, for people who are spiritually alive, even if God’s call means suffering and sacrifice (like Joseph with his brothers, Job, Abraham and his son, Jesus Himself), I am still skeptical that God would purposely lead them into a marriage where supposedly they would learn to love unconditionally in a very difficult relationship that eventually will end in divorce. As someone else said, the “”voice”” of God needs to be tested against His principles and Scripture – and abusive marriage is clear on its stand.
It is true that people should have hope and faith in God regardless the circumstances – Like Mary had in the resurrection of Lazarus in heaven. Still the story of Lazarus is not about eternal life and hope of heaven but the resurrection of his dead body from the grave after 4 days. So I would kindly recommend we would be careful with the texts that we feel are “”impressed on our hearts”” by God and their true meaning in our situation.
Even if we took literally the text to your situation: so “”dead body Lazarus”” is your “”dead marriage”” – what would that mean to have hope and faith regardless the circumstances (death of your marriage) concerning “”Lazarus””?
As you grieve your losses, may God grant you peace, comforting and healing. And a richer life in Him.
Blessings.
Hi Roxana. Thank you for your understanding and your prayers. As far as reconciling my experience/life goes, He has, He is and He will continue. My story is still unfolding to me but not to God who is outside of time. There was a point when the passage about Lazarus’ situation not resulting in death was impressed upon me by the Holy Spirit. I initially interpreted that the marriage would be saved but the Lord has since used it to deeply impress that just like Lazarus’ body did die the more tragic death of hope and faith did not. Just now as I write this I am truly amazed that the Lord has blessed me with hope and faith in Him alone…not my circumstances. He really TRULY overcame the greatest enemy death!! The fortunate death of my marriage set me free. Make no mistake I still grieve losses as we have four children together but that which the enemy means for evil our GOOD Lord means for LIFE!! Jesus is alive and now finally so am I.
From the article, what Gary is trying to say is that God doesnt pick who we are to marry. One is to ask God to help him make wise decisions and pick based on Godly characters.
I totally agree with that. However in life, there is always two sides to a coin, if you look at things from only a side, there is tendency to be unbalanced.
The second side to a coin is that if we involve God, He guides us in making the right choice since He alone knows the future and the heart of man. Moreover a man can make wrong decisions and may not see clearly and can be deceived hence the need for God’s guidance. However,after God has guided you to a person He sees is good for you according to His purpose , it is your responsibility to intelligible know why it is this person you should marry or not marry because the scripture says we should test all spirit. Some people say they heard God and wilfully enter into a relationship that they haven’t proven or tested.Some people claim they heard God when they heard their own heart or a false spirit hence one must test all voices. That is why it is good to court for at least a year or more for deeper understanding and clarity. Even when sure of your decisons that they are God-guided, there are important virtues to be built into the relationship like fear of God, humility, submissions, love, if not the relationship WILL NOT WORK OUT.THE WILL OF A MAN MUST CONTINUALLY BE IN HUMILITY TO GOD’S WAYS IF NOT THINGS WILL NOT WORK OUT.IT IS ONLY SUBMISSION TO THE WAYS OF GOD THAT MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK BECAUSE MARRIAGE IS ORCHESTRATED BY GOD AND GOD ALONE. This explains how two people (God directed relationship) start well but don’t end well because one/two of the party didn’t continue to submit to his/her will to God’s ways (this can happen since man has a free will and can choose whatever).You may ask that if God knows that this person will change then why did He direct me to the person? Well in Gen 6, God grieved and was said that He created man. I ask myself, “then why did he create man if he knew he will sin/ didn’t He know man will sin. then why His he grieving as if He didnt know? My answer is this, God though knowing all things (from eternity past) limits His knowledge (in time with man) so that the free will of man can play out. So he does all things giving man the free chance to make their own decisions before He judges.
Lastly about if there is only one person for you issue,i don’t think there is only one person for you in all the whole world but i believe God prepares and guides you to one person per time. I have incidences of death of an intending partner and in no time, God brings someone else (this happened to two of my pastors). I also know of a couple of people that God led them to a particular person but they proved stubborn hence God prepared someone else for them. So he prepares a person per time for us. All in all, you are RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR CHOICE BECASUE YOU ARE THE ONE THAT CHOOSE.
God brought other animals to Adam for a spouse but Adam didn’t find a helpmeet (Gen2:20) but when God brought Eve, he recognised that she was an helpmeet and called her bone of his bones, flesh of his flesh. God brings people and guides us but it is our responsibility to recognise that this person is an helpmeet (that is a wisdom check) and a suitable person for you. After Adam’s declaration of acceptance and choice, God held him responsible for his relationship with his wife.
I do agree!
Waiting on God is the TOUGHEST thing and most people simply don’t want on God long enought. As they claim to wait they SET a time in their minds they expect God to act n bring that spouse. But God has His own timing which IS NOT yours. It’s usually longer, much longer. WHY? Coz He must re-calibrate, work on you you n sometimes the spouse He’s bringing you, so that you can both appreciate each other n God’s hand in it. First of all, you will have to present a list of character traits you want in your spouse, if your list isn’t good, maybe you emphasised on just the physical attributes, God will work on you until you revise that list and Love must be in there somewhere. You will get to a time that both you n God will be in agreement of what you want, unique physical and inner attributes, so when the answer comes, that is when your spouse appears, there is absolutely NO DOUBT in your mind, coz you will tick each point n MORE BONUS ones. It’s effortless n that’s an answered prayer! God provides but we don’t wait long enough. We SIMPLY don’t wait long enough. The accuser will discourage you day after day, you will feel stupid coz it takes time BUT …THOSE THAT WAIT ON THE LORD ARE NOT ASHAMED!!!
I don’t ever comment on a blog, but this was so horrible, I feel sorry for anyone who reads this…You should really pause and consider peoples comments and Gods word.
Praying God brings you to knowledge and wisdom and that you delet this post.
Thank you so much Gary!
As a new Christian (only 2 years) who also happens to be single, this was such a refreshing read! I’m nearly 40, have never married and am not interested in getting married. When I was younger I dreamed of a husband and a family, so I’m not entirely closed to the idea of marriage but it’s certainly not a priority.
I get so frustrated sometimes with the ‘marriage is in God’s plan for you’ propaganda and the consoling pats on the shoulder with a ‘God has a husband out there for you somewhere.’ comment that go with it (the propaganda.) Sometimes I just want to scream!!!!
I’m keeping this article handy so that next time I feel like screaming I can either read it to myself or make someone else read it. 🙂
Hmmm I am sorry for the propaganda.
I would say something different: God has an UNIQUE PLAN for you.
For some this plan included marriage, for some holy celibacy, for some widowhood, for some being married 3 times and being a widow twice like Elisabeth Elliot.
Rejoice in God’s unique plan for you and don’t be bothered by propaganda if you rejoice in His unique specific plan.
Blessings.
For people who want to check out Friesen, I recommend they check out other authors too and Friesen’s response to them
1. Traditional View:
Decision Making Appendix
Henry Blackaby and Claude King, Experiencing God
Jack Deere, Surprised by the Voice of God
Tim LaHaye, Finding the Will of God in a Crazy, Mixed-Up World
Website Only
G. Campbell Morgan, God’s Perfect Will
Lloyd John Ogilvie, God’s Will in Your Life
Philip Yancy, “Guidance”
2. Traditional View with Wisdom Leanings:
Decision Making Appendix
Elisabeth Elliot, A Slow Certain Light
Chuck Swindoll, The Mystery of God’s Will: What Does He Want for Me?
Website Only
Grant Howard, Knowing God’s Will and Doing It
Robert Jeffress, Hearing the Master’s Voice
Danny E. Morris, Yearning to Know God’s Will
3. Synthesis of Traditional and Wisdom Views:
Decision Making Appendix
Dallas Willard, Hearing God
Website Only
Ron Kincaid, Praying for Guidance
Gordon T. Smith, Listening to God in Times of Choice
George Sweeting, How to Discover the Will of God
4. Wisdom View in Traditional Vocabulary:
Decision Making Appendix
John MacArthur, God’s Will is not Lost or Reckless Faith, Chapter 7 (Looking for Truth in all the Wrong Places)
J.I. Packer, Thou Our Guide
M. Blaine Smith, Knowing God’s Will: Finding Guidance for Personal Decisions
Waltke, Bruce – Finding the Will of God: A Pagan Notion?
5. Wisdom View:
Decision Making Appendix
James Montgomery Boice, Romans: An Expositional Commentary
Sinclair Ferguson, Discovering God’s Will
Os Guinness, The Call: Finding and Fulfilling the Central Purpose of Your Life
James Petty, Step by Step: Divine Guidance for Ordinary Christians
Haddon Robinson, Decision Making by the Book
Website Only
Oliver Barclay, Guidance
Gary Meadors, Decision Making God’s Way
Mattson & Miller, Find a Job You Can Love
Gerald Sittser, The Will of God as a Way of Life
R.C. Sproule, God’s Will and the Christian
Knofel Staton, How to Know the Will of God
Dave Swavely, Decisions, Decisions
6. Non-evangelical or Miscellaneous:
Website Only
Ben Campbell Johnson, Discerning God’s Will
Weatherhead Leslie – The Will of God
link here on Friesen’s website: http://www.gfriesen.net/sections/book_reviews.php
Hi Gary, I wrestled with this post until I read your statement “I hate to see people angry with God”. A little background before I explain. I was married to a physically, emotionally, and spiritually (he was a pastor) for 20 years before he decided to divorce so he could marry the woman (same age as me) he was involved with for several years during the marriage. During my years of trying to live out my faith in my marriage, I was directed by a counselor to read your book ” Sacred Marriage”, which I did. Sadly the enemy used it (I know against your intentions for the book) to keep me in the bondage of an unloving marriage. I had prayed before marrying and even changed my mind after saying yes so I prayed more which led me to discern the Lords leading to go ahead with the marriage. I felt complete peace as I stood at the altar which was a fact I also used to justify my stayievenAt this point to say I was wrong would be to diminish the Lord working in my life then and even more so now. Back to my point of clarity, with all due true respect Im wondering if your fear of God not being blamed is the lens that distorts the truth you’re trying to tell. Back to my story…I was VERY angry with God for betraying me (or so I thought) by misleading me in marrying someone who would not love me. Wellll…the good Lord has been faithful to patiently endure my anger and blame to teach me how much He LOVES me. As it turns out, He was the only person I could safely get honestly ranting angry with to discover I am still loved. Once I fully embraced and understood my anger He revealed how angry He was at how I had been treated but also how hurt He was by how I had acted towards Him. Again with a desire to speak some truth in love, I thought your interaction with Josh exposed some underlying anger on your part. I can only imagine the pressure of putting your heart and mind on paper (or in HTML) for all the world to read. For that I admire and thank you for your courage! I would like to offer you the exhortation that The Lord God is big enough to handle our anger, blame and whatever other sinful behavior we engage in. He does not need to be defended (even when he does in fact lead people to do painful things ie Abraham offering his son eek) especially by mere mortals. Sadly yet gratefully I had to go to some extreme depths to fully understand His Love is deeper still. Thanks for reading and I welcome your response. Keep up the good work!
Dear Renae
thank you for writing. I can relate since I was angry at some point at God too for some misundestanding….
How did you reconcile the purpose of why God did lead you to marry such a man? Sure, He redeems, He restores and transforms, and He is angry for the way you were treated. But why would He tell you to go through directly in this hell of marriage? That I stil can not understand…
I can understand He leads us to suffering – like Joseph, Job, Jesus, abraham with his son……but directly in a dangerous horrible marriage for the rest of our lives?
i appreciate any insight you have.
Bless you and praying for healing and restoration for you.
Can Jesus involve in our love story?
When not yet married, not Even in a relationship.. But just a crush… Can God help – also the other person? Or is it all up to free will, effort and luck?
Hello Gary
Wupsi.. Sorry.. I wrote a long message with several questions, which somehow only appeard when posted as “hello Gary”…
The title grabbed my attention, because I know a couple that God did tell each partner individually that that person was who they were supposed to marry. The couple being my parents. I can’t say their marriage has been “perfect”, but God has always been at the center of their marriage. I don’t think God tells every couple “this is the one” and I feel that many people think their emotions are the voice of God.
Recently, a young friend of mine informed me that God told her that a particular man was for her. I just listened and discerned that what she was listening to was not the voice of God, but as she asked me to pray about it, I did. I discovered unintentionally that the man was very seriously involved with another women; almost to the point of getting engaged. All three are believers. When the young friend spoke to me about the man again, I just told her that what she thought was the voice of the God was clearly not and she should stop “religiousizing” her feelings.
I think we also treat God like a soda machine, when we want something from Him we pray and pay attention to Him (such as asking if a person is a good partner or if that person is “the one”). Rather than this, His will can be very clear if we are maintaining a daily personal relationship with Him, through that the Holy Spirit is guiding us in His will and discernment is second nature.
Wise words, Elizabeth. Thank you
Gary, I commend you for teaching a truth that is not taught enough (as demonstrated by many of the comments your post has provoked) and for doing so with such a pastoral heart. It seems that the underlying problem that your objectors have, one that seems to be shared by the majority of evangelicals, is a complete misunderstanding of God’s individual will for our lives and how or whether we’re supposed to discern that will. You’re addressing it in the context of marriage, which is one of if not the most important area of application. Others have addressed it in broader contexts. So far, to my knowledge, the preeminent book on the subject is Garry Friesen’s book, Decision Making and the Will of God. I wish each one of your objectors, and any other readers who disagree with your post but haven’t commented, would read that book and see from literally hundreds of texts and examples from Scripture that what you’re describing is the biblical approach to decision making generally and to marriage decisions specifically.
For what it’s worth, I can offer my story, and this is coming from someone who believed at the time of my marriage that there was only one woman for me and that God was specifically leading me to marry this girl. (And she believed the same thing, because we’d both been raised to think that God had a “perfect will” or an individual will for us, and that we were supposed to find that will so that we would be “in the center of God’s will.” I didn’t read Friesen’s book until a year into our marriage, at the prompting of a Sunday School teacher who was working on his Ph.D. in theology. Changed my life.) We had both prayed long and hard. We dated (in college) for nearly three years and were engaged for over a year. We were counseled by one of the most knowledgeable and wise Bible teachers at our Christian college. Though her father initially was opposed to her dating me, many interactions with me eventually persuaded him that I really was saved even though I came from a different denomination (he was a hyper-fundamental Baptist who believed essentially that anyone who wasn’t like him wasn’t saved). So we had checked all the boxes — personal prayer, circumstances, godly counsel, etc. From my standpoint, there were other “perfect” aspects: she had been raised in a difficult broken home with an aloof, rigid father, an alcoholic and promiscuous mother, and a wayward brother; she had grown up poor; she had been lonely most of her life; she was very pretty; we shared a lot of the same interests; she always told me I was the first guy who made her comfortable enough to open up (even on our first date); she wanted nothing more than to be a wife and mother; she was very dedicated to the Lord; and so forth. I was headed for law school and therefore, presumably, a career that would provide more than a poverty level existence; I was going to love her much more expressively than her father ever had; I came from an intact home and would offer her the stable home she’d never had; etc. In short, I was going to be her white knight (and she thought so too).
Fast forward 29 years and four children later, to when she filed for divorce for the second and final time. By then, of course, we had both made many mistakes and sinned against each other in many ways. The difference was that I acknowledged my sins against her while she was defiant about some of the worst sins against me. Our Christian counselor told her flat out that she did not have biblical grounds for divorce but that I did. Our pastor also told her that she didn’t have biblical grounds. It didn’t matter because, obviously, “God didn’t want her to be unhappy.” Plus, it would be “better for the kids” (except that they had no clue it was coming and were devastated). One week after the divorce was final, she started online dating. Two weeks later, she met a man that she decided very quickly was God’s man for her. One year later she married him, having met him in person for the first time 9 months before the wedding and having only spent time with him every other weekend thereafter (because he lived 400 miles away), and fully aware of the Christian experts’ advice that a divorced person coming off a long marriage needs to wait several years to be healed enough to make a good decision about a second marriage. Her reasons? First, it was “a God thing” that they even saw each other’s online profiles, because they lived 400 miles apart but had set their geographical limits on the dating site at 150 miles. (Never mind the fact that those dating sites routinely suggest a “match” between people outside the specified geographical limits.) Second, he prayed with her and “his prayers were answered”; for example, one time while he was praying on the phone, our youngest son — who has been estranged from her since shortly after the divorce was final (for good reason, given how she treated him) texted her to ask if he could come over; and her father like him immediately, even though he too was from a denomination very different from independent fundamental Baptist. (I assume there was also some level of attraction between them.) Somehow, the fact that this would be his third marriage after two previous divorces, that he had committed adultery with the woman who would become his second wife while still married to his first wife, that he had physically assaulted his second wife (admitted by his best friend), that he had been asked to leave the church where he had been a lay pastor for seven years because of his treatment of his second wife after their divorce — none of that mattered, because “God had shown her that he was the one.” A friend described her rationale as “magical thinking.” But it was consistent with her approach to knowing God’s will.
When or if I remarry, I’ll seek God’s wisdom and insight. More than anything else, I’ll be looking for a Christian woman who has the character to stick to her promises, even if things get difficult. And I know with absolute confidence, that God will be with me in that marriage whether it’s ideal or unexpectedly difficult. But I won’t expect God to tell me with an audible voice or an inner prompting or (worst of all) “inner peace” before I (and the lady) decide. And I’ll never have the excuse that I can get divorced because I married “the wrong person” and missed God’s will, nor will I be able to complain that God misled me into a bad marriage.
I hope, Gary, that your post changes a lot of minds or at least causes a lot of people to think hard about what the Bible actually says about God’s will in our lives. And I apologize for the length of this comment, but I thought it was important.
David, this is exactly what I’m trying to address. Thank you for sharing a painful story. You do it in a God glorifying way–clearly, His grace is evident in your heart. I, too, am a fan of Friesen’s book (though it has literally been decades since I’ve read it), so I’m glad you mentioned it, and would encourage others to check it out as well.
I recognized your premise from your teaching of marriage. It is good that you state your premise behind your teaching – people will not be confused.
I am on the traditional view with wisdom leanings – such as
Elisabeth Elliot, A Slow Certain Light
Dallas Willard, Hearing God
The problem with this view of Friesen is that it is a form of seeing life only as applying rules from a book – it takes off the very esence of evangelical protestant theology: the RELATIONSHIP between man and God, His involvement in all aspects of life and decision making, communication with Him. That’s why you get all these wave of comments, Gary, because this essential quality is absent from your teaching – as Joni and others already said in some form.
Joni, I thing you now understand what I was referring to by leaving it to Gary and his “”praying about it””….No matter how much he prays, he is a fan of Friesen : )) right?
This is what I reffer to, Gary
Joni said and I totally agree:
“”I believe our stories also matter and affect eternity, and so our choices matter and have eternal weight. I believe that for the sake of His kingdom, God cares about orchestrating our relationships today. Actually, not only do I believe that, I have lived it. No, we may not know our spouse is “the one” until we can see history unfold the way we can in Scripture today. But our lack of perspective has no bearing at all on God’s intimate love and unique plans for us, our spouse, and the generations who are doing His kingdom work today. We are meant to be partners in ministry, praying for each other and helping one another become the people God created us to be. To say that God simply requires us to fulfill a checklist of Scriptural guidelines in order to select a spouse goes against the intimacy He calls us to in relationship with Him. With all that said, however, I have learned (and we can see evidence in Scripture) that the path to saying, “My husband or wife is the one God gave to me,” comes through suffering, conflict, and obedience and submission to God by both parties. The path to a God-honoring marriage is no different than any other path that honors Him…it’s difficult and self-sacrificing. “”
That may be the problem with applying Friesen’s theoloogy to the teaching of marriage and selecting a spouse.
Blessings.
Hi, Roxana! I have been on the road much of the day, so have had some thinking time. I would like to say that I very much appreciate both your interest and your encouragement. Thank you! You sound like you are very well-read, so I am going to share a bit of information that I have been pondering today. In response to I Corinthians 7:39, I mentioned that widows did not previously enjoy the freedom to marry anyone, but that traditionally, they married any remaining brother of their husband. I thought of several Old Testament examples, such as Ruth (her conversation with Naomi about this topic) and Tamar. But I wondered if this was part of the “system” in the time Paul would have written these instructions. Well, Matthew 22:23-33 came to mind! This is the discussion that the Sadducees had with Jesus about the woman who married six brothers, and what her status would be in Heaven. So, that means that at least several decades prior to Paul’s instruction, this was still relevant and regularly happening.
I find this fascinating, because it seems such a small sentence, tossed in, and yet if this passage refers to that new freedom, it was very meaningful! It represents the breaking down of a system that had been in existence for thousands of years. And it is a walking-out of the verses that there is no Jew or Greek in Christ. The widow can actually be romantically pursued by anyone, no longer merely a brother-in-law! That certainly opened the dating pool a lot, haha!
Thanks for listening, and for sharing your insight! Please share if you have any thoughts or knowledge about this! Blessings, Roxana! Joni
P.S. Jesus’ reply to the Sadducees is still one of my favorite examples of His bluntness: “29 But Jesus answered and said to them, ‘You are mistaken, not understanding the Scriptures nor the power of God.'” Well. That was clear!
I will try to find some sound exegetical studies on 1 and 2 Corinthians to recommend.
Your comment on the freedom of marrying sounds good in the historical context, Joni. Thank you.
All I can say is that you cannot LITERALLY make universal rules out of responses to problems that arise at some point in history. For in the same epistle where the woman is free to marry whomever she wants, Paul instructed women to use head coverings (do you preach that Gary, do women in your church do that?) and more importantly, in the very same context, Paul states that is better not to marry at all….and he says he does not have a command from God but speaks as a man of God…..Now, not a pastor nowadays takes that “”instruction”” literally to preach singleness so ….people still get married…..and some people decide to be eunuchs,,,,,Because well there is a “”plan”” for every person and that plan is different, and God calls some to marry (the majority) and some to stay holy celibates for His kingdom.
Now back to Gary’s other “”argument”” from Prov 31 – there is a list of character qualities to search for…..But that does not mean you have to check all these and then decide to marry the woman. And that is basically all….You have a LIVING RELATIONSHIP with a LIVING Person that is your Father, Savior, Friend, Lord…..So communication and interaction within this RELATIONSHIP is more than understood, with all the checking of character lists and using reason and mastering feelings and personal desires. God can handle our feelings, our reasoning our fears, doubts etc and He can respond to all those and beyond those (and oftentimes address specifically those in His responses to us).
I would say from personal experience that God uses both human mind, reason, other psychological things and His distinct voice to guide someone. If God should give only a fleece, dream, vision, prophecy without the daily process of wrestling and searching His perspective (like using the soda machine once in a while), there is a huge problem. And His guiding is according to character and principles. So if one seems to hear to marry a person with major issues (like abusive behavior or major character problems) I think he is not hearing from God at all….For how could God send someone in this point of life (when the person has not resolved his issues) in a marriage where the very life of the spouse is threatened? This is my pastoral counseling position on this!
So to discern if your hearing from God is consistent with character, wisdom, and all God;s principles is the key to really “”make a wise decision”” or to “”find truly the will of God””.
The fact that you want to rebuke some mistakes, Gary – like confusing your personal wants/feelings by the voice of God – is not done properly by negating the fact that indeed God does lead people and help them make excellent decisions. It only has to be done right, and DISCERN genuinely God’s leading.
I hope what I summarized would give a little help in that.
There’s a lot of wisdom to this post. As people, we need to stop blaming our bad decisions on God. Faith doesn’t mean turning of our brains.
That said, I will acknowledge that when I began to get to know my wife, at many points it felt like God had designed us for each other–though I still believe the concept of “the one” is ridiculous.
Still if you are walking with God and listen to him, he will affirm or discourage you in choosing a martial partner. I saw God both guide me away from one woman I dated (who was a wonderful Christian woman) and toward my wife (even though I had initially ruled her out as a potential marriage partner). I didn’t understand either leading at the time, but as I followed God’s guidance the reasons why later became clear.