“It’s been miserable, Gary,” the woman confessed. “We’ve only been married for three years but it has been the worst three years of my life. My husband has just been awful. And what frustrates me so much is that God confirmed that I was supposed to marry him, ten times over.”
You could have served the bitterness in her voice to a thousand people.
In another conversation, another woman, married not just years, but decades, to a man who proved to be pathological, slipped in the same sigh and words, “But God told me to marry him.”
To these and many others who said, “God told me to marry him/her,” I want to cry out, “No, He didn’t.”
How can I say that?
My response is simple: How can you say the opposite? There is nothing in Scripture that suggests there is just one person we’re ‘supposed’ to marry. Proverbs 31 urges young men to be guided by a woman’s faith and character in making their choice—there is no mention of second guessing some divine destiny. In 1 Corinthians 7, the apostle Paul tells women (widows, in particular) to seriously consider singleness, but assures them the choice of whether to get married is up to them, and then specifically says women can marry “whomever they wish” as long as their potential husband is ‘in the Lord.’ (v. 39) If the Bible explicitly says, ‘it’s your call whether or not to get married’ (a sentiment Jesus echoes when he says some “choose” to become eunuchs—celibate—in Matthew 19:12, with emphasis on the word “choose”) and it’s entirely your choice as to who to marry, why should your subjective feelings and reasoning override living by the truth of Scripture?
There is, quite frankly, nothing in Scripture that ever tells us it is our sworn duty to marry one particular person. Whether we marry, and who we marry, are spoken of in Scripture as part of God’s “permissive will,” something He allows us to choose.
Is it possible God has told a couple to get married? Look, I’m not going to put God in a box. I can’t say “He can do this but He can never do that” (and thus I’m admitting the title of this blogpost is a bit provocative to make a point). All I can say is that the clearest scriptural teaching makes marriage our choice—both as to whether we get married and to whom we marry. Presuming that some mystical leaning you’ve received overrides a clear biblical teaching is always risky and often foolish (regardless of how many times God seems to subjectively “confirm” this call; after all, God objectively said something very different in Scripture).
Why does this matter?
To move forward, we have to own up to our choices—why we made them and how to be responsible in the face of them. To a woman who was abused by her dad and then married an abusive husband, I’d say, with a pastoral heart, “You were deeply sinned against and hurt. The kind of man you felt ‘comfortable’ with, because of your upbringing, wasn’t good for you, so you chose a man who continued your father’s practices. Psychologically, that’s perfectly explainable, but let’s discuss how the grace of Christ can redeem your situation, help you evaluate what the right thing to do now is, and help you make better choices in the future.” I would never tell a woman who had been abused by her dad that God’s “perfect will” was for her to also marry a violent husband. There is nothing about the biblical doctrine of God’s providence that demands that application, unless you slip all the way over to determinism.
Far healthier, spiritually, than to sit in resentment against God, is to say to yourself, “I chose this man/woman. It might or might not help to explore why. But since I made the choice of my own free will, I bear certain responsibilities for the commitment I have made.” Then God becomes your ally, not your enemy, in helping you face the future. Instead of, “God, why did you lead me into this mess,” you’ll pray, “God, help lead me out of the mess I’ve made.”
That’s a huge difference, spiritually speaking.
On another level, the virtues of kindness, faithfulness and goodness demand that if I convinced someone to marry me, or agreed to marry someone, knowing it was a lifetime commitment, knowing it would be beyond complicated to dissolve the union, I need to step up to face the lifetime consequences. That means not just staying married but staying engaged in the marriage, working to make it the best for this person that I can.
If you’re a single person reading this, I implore you to avoid trying to “second guess” God’s will as to who you “should” marry and instead look for the character qualities in a spouse the Bible exalts. What I’m saying may not sound very romantic, but please realize that the consequences to living by a sentimental romanticism are real—and in the case of marriage, can be long-lasting. I just received an email last week, saying,
“Sadly, I was one of those people who believed with all my heart that God has only one person for me to marry. I also believed that God would do the choosing. I believed it was God’s will for me to marry my husband. This has had disastrous consequences. Based on all the things you outlined in The Sacred Search, my husband and I should not have gotten married.”
Here’s what I’m going to insist on: Just because you think God wants you to marry one particular person, doesn’t mean He does. And just because God doesn’t “stop” you from marrying someone doesn’t mean He agrees with you that it’s a wise decision (he didn’t “stop” a lot of people from robbing banks who are even now serving time in prison). He will never forsake you. He will be with you every second of that marriage, giving you the grace of Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit to live by your decision, but He has stated in His word that it is your decision, so it is risky to assume otherwise.
Rise up to your regal calling in Christ and own your decision. Of course, seek God’s blessing, but just as much, seek His wisdom in Scripture. While the Bible is silent on how you can definitively know who you’re “supposed” to marry, it does talk about the process of making wise decisions—applying biblical principles, seeking wise counsel, being deliberate and wise in your choice, considering the future, and basing your decision on the right priorities.
As the sad e-mailer suggests, I hit this hard in my book The Sacred Search and I’d suggest if this is still not clear to you, that you check out that resource. http://www.garythomas.com/books/sacred-search/
Hello.
Have you heard T.D. Jakes say that if two people hastily married and wouldn’t listen to advice of others not to be involved with each other and then they realize later the advice was right and are sick of each other, then they still need to stay together because it’s a commitment.
I didn’t hear T.D. Jakes say this, but I certainly agree with his conclusion
Gary, I appreciate your post. I think you’re right that God doesn’t actually influence our decisions or lives, and that we should be careful when attributing events or decisions to Him instead of to our own minds or statistical probabilities.
Not to contradict Gary, because I think the article is an example of this, but the key in all of this is BALANCE.
God works all things according to the purpose of his will. And we are given free rein to choose whatever we want (and to live with the consequences thereof). Those two things may seem contradictory, and yet both are taught in scripture. The problem is not in the believing of either, but in so emphasizing one to the exclusion of the other.
Gary is emphasizing the importance of obediently and wisely examining a potential mate, rather than on relinquishing that responsibility (and, knowingly or not, trusting ones own ability to hear God’s voice in a particular situation where God may, or may not, speak).
Better to do due diligence, and examine as carefully as possible the character of a potential mate, while all the while asking God for his guidance as you make the decision. Not either / or, but both / and.
Well stated, Jay. Thank you
Hosea & Gomer
Literally, ALL your practical wisdom aside.
I am in a God told me marriage, but it was my wife that was told, 2 dreams & a scripture. Manny ruff times but it has led to “much fruit”
Jesus did nothing His Father did not tell him to do, I suggest we start there also, being “little Christs” after all 😉
Hi Gary,
You are so ON TARGET with your words of wisdom and I agree with you 100%! My marriage of almost 20 years has had many difficult seasons, but I’m thankful for each one. Each difficulty enabled me to lean into the LORD and draw from His strength. Each difficulty enabled me to learn how to give a Christ-like response. Each difficulty pruned and shaped me so that I could be made holy. Where sin increased in either me or my husband, grace increased all the more. These seasons are not pleasant, to say the least, but they are necessary if we truly desire to be all that God created us to be. The Holy Spirit is truly our Helper if we are a believer in Christ and have received Him as LORD and Savior. But each of our decisions are truly our own decisions, including the decision to marry. First of all, I made the choice to marry my husband, no one else, not even God made the choice for me. I said the vows “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health”, etc. God did not make me say the vows, I said them and it is my responsibility to uphold those vows.
Marriage is HARD WORK and has many difficulties as two selfish individuals have to learn how to live with one another and share the same space. Regardless of how our marriages started – whether one believes it was God-led or based on feelings – the bottom line is we are the ones accountable and responsible for how that marriage ends.I want mine to end on a note of grace when either one of us departs this earth. I will want to have ‘fought the good fight’. The ‘right’ person for each of us that have already married is the person we are married to, regardless of how we got there. May God grant wisdom to all of the singles who are searching for a spouse. My husband is truly a gift from God. He is full of thorns (like me) but I choose to smell the roses. A word of wisdom to the singles….instead of searching for the ‘right’ person, focus more on being the ‘right’ person. God will be faithful to His children.
Gary, may God bless you in all that you do.
Most kindly,
Jeanne
Yes yes and yes! Thanks for sharing
Gary . . . This is just excellent. I see that there are many conflicting comments above but I believe this is only because we, as a Church, have gotten ourselves stuck in a paradigm that places marriage, often, above life (as in being able to live), above doctrine and above God’s actual nature. When someone peels back the curtains a little bit and reveals truth, it is hard to accept. Plus, it is kind of neat and fun to believe that we have found “the one”. But, it is only neat and fun to those who have a thriving marriage.
But these words, in the blog, will bring many people relief — especially those who cannot understand why God would want them to be in a marriage that is hurting them. Please don’t get me wrong — David and I hold marriage in the highest regard and honor — but we do not place it over the gift of life. Christ holds it in a place of honor — but it is not the “be all end all”. Just like God allows us the gift of free will in other areas of our lives, He allows it in marriage, as well. And, like you said, often the real question is, “Why did I marry him?” Once that has been answered, then things can be set straight.
I am sharing this post on our Give Her Wings website. Thank you for not being afraid to speak the truth, always.
Thanks Megan for drawing out an important implication
God bless you, Joni Byrd!
Thank you, Bakhita! I appreciate your kind words! Blessings! Joni
Very very good points!
I do not think God always leads in the same way, no. We each have such unique stories, leadings, of God. Yet I speak as one who was lead directly of God to wait for a particular man. I accepted, trusted, struggled, walked with God, cried, hoped, & waited… for months… We did end up marrying. Was I mislead? No. Can one be mislead? Of course. (I met two ladies mislead during that time. The enemy knows how to manipulate.) But, coming from this background, having been married for 22 years now… I mainly disagree with the assumption that God would never lead one into a marriage that would be severely challenged at some point, or continually challenging. We find in Scripture that this expectation is just not promised. God leads, people marry. Challenges, heartaches, difficulty, heartbreaks, they all come… Ecclesiastes prepares us for this. To some more than others. So the question is not: does God lead some to marry specifically? The real question is: Am I willing to love this one I am married to? Each person in any marriage can ask themselves that in rough moments, chapters, seasons, years. God does not promise a marriage of perpetual bliss, He promises to offer grace to love, no matter what…. God does at times, often, lead some right into a life of severe stress & testing. I’d be very careful in assigning God limits where this business is concerned. Instead of assigning what God won’t do, we can focus on what God DOES offer: His peaceful prescense during times of marital blessings & joy, & His sufficient grace for the heartaches that threaten to undo us… He is Faithful. Is God ever “done” in a union that is challenged? Are the tough cases there to prove God never leads, & will not finish a work He may have begun? There is yet hope that He will be glorified by those who trust in Him- whether we were specifically led, or felt we made the choice alone, without His specific guiding influence. Just a friendly two cents from the other side of the debate….
I don’t think you’re on the “other side” jj–I agree, heartily, with everything you said! I tried to mention in the blog that God CAN lead two people together–but it’s still our decision to accept that leading, to obey it, and then to OWN it. We just shouldn’t presume that’s the main reason to marry, apart from wisdom and counsel, as feelings and a mystical orientation can so easily lead us astray. And I completely agree with your other points. You’ve written a very wonderful description of marital love, obligation and God’s provision through good times and tough times. Very inspirational! Thank you so much for sharing. I love what you’ve added.
Hi, Gary. I have spent time and prayer and have pondered the premise of your post. As I have, Scriptural examples that refute your point have continually come to mind, until I believe that I must offer a response.
I believe based on Scripture that God does care exactly who we marry, because that person is meant to become our partner in ministry, in unity and one purpose. Scripture tells us of Adam and Eve, the woman God formed especially to be his helpmate, created for this purpose. We read about Abraham and Sarah, who was the one and only woman to whom the promised heir would be born. No one else would do. We learn about Isaac and Rebecca and the ways his servant knew Rebecca was the Lord’s specific helpmate for Isaac. Some of those ways of knowing are the very type of confirmations that you write off as being non-existent in your article. The Scripture tells us of Ruth and Boaz and their kinsman-redeemer relationship ordained and designed by God as an amazing picture of our relationship with the Lord. We learn that Esther was in the position to save God’s people only because of her marriage to King Xerxes. She would have had no impact whatsoever without her marriage; it was her place of influence. I Samuel 18 describes David and Jonathan’s covenant friendship and the “knitting together” of their souls for the sole purpose of accomplishing God’s sovereign plan…David became king and was protected because of a covenant that God initiated in their souls between them. Scripture tells us about Abigail, who was taken out of a horrible relationship through widowhood, and married David due to her obedience to the Lord. Elizabeth and Zacharias were ordained to be the parents of John the Baptist; therefore, their partnership was part of God’s plan as well. Joseph was chosen to marry Mary, and an angel of the Lord confirmed this message; Priscilla and Aquilla are never mentioned apart from each other, and always are listed as partners in life and ministry.
The bottom line of these Scriptural examples is this: Marriage MATTERS to God, and therefore, who our partner is does too. The Bible is full of love stories and relationships which the Lord orchestrated, overflowing to the extent that your premise does not make sense to me. I encourage you to reread Scripture, examine the relationships, and reconsider God’s part in them, for it is much greater than you assume in this article. Thank you for listening. In Christ, Joni Byrd
Thanks for writing, Joni. You’ve offered a very thoughtful response.
Of course God made Eve for Adam–but that was, obviously, a special case that doesn’t tell us now, when the world has billions of people, how to find our partner. And yes, God DID tell Joseph to go ahead and marry Mary. And of course I believe who we marry matters. I’m just not sure the “particular” who matters as much as you think it does. What matters most is that both partners seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness (Matthew 6:33). Along those lines, I think God can create beautiful, Kingdom-serving partnerships amongst thousands of possible pairings. What matters is God in us even more than the “who” God is in.
Your other biblical examples are assumptions that don’t necessarily follow–God USED those couples, but we don’t know that it HAD to be Sarah or Rebekah, for example, as opposed to a different Jewish woman. I can’t take the time to refute each one, but I do deal with Isaac and Rebekah in The Sacred Search. And in the Old Testament, there was the issue of a pure bloodline, which Christians don’t need to worry about now.
It’s significant, however, that every one of your examples is narrative, not didactic. The New Testament narrative is that Jesus paid his taxes by having Peter catch a fish, but no one thinks that’s how WE’RE supposed to pay our taxes. The didactic (teaching) portion of Scripture–Proverbs 31 and 1 Corinthians 7–explicitly tell us to use wisdom, character and faith as the determining factor of marital choice, not mystical second-guessing. You don’t say HOW God tells us who the right one is–because the Bible is completely silent on that, apart from “feelings.” So if your view is correct, singles are left completely in the dark–how do they know who the “one” is?
You also don’t deal with the explicit statement of 1 Corinthians 7:39. How can you dismiss that? Was Paul wrong when he said women are free to marry “anyone they wish?” How does that verse square with God having just one person in mind? Why does Proverbs 31 list character qualities and a woman’s faith, instead of listing three ways we can tell who the “one woman” God is that He wants us to marry? The Bible’s silence on your approach and it’s clarity on the wisdom/character approach is a tough hurdle you’re going to have to address.
Hi, Gary. I wrote a long response, but it comes down to this one point: Your article speaks as if there is no Holy Spirit. That is what I am struggling to understand, and reconcile. Thanks, Gary. Blessings, Joni
The last thing I want anyone to do is rely less on the Holy Spirit–we are to be continually filled with the Spirit. I also want us to remember that the heart is deceitful above all things. People confuse the two. And yes, all Scripture is God breathed, but proper exegesis requires understanding the genre and what different types of Scripture are trying to accomplish. Having said that, I love your thoughtfulness and I believe your soul is in a good place. Thanks for engaging with this
Hi, Gary. Thank you for your kindness. I can tell that you are being respectful to those writing the comments, and I appreciate your efforts. The truth is, though, I would much rather you say that you will pray about this than to offer kind words to me. I know we are trying very hard to interact graciously as fellow believers, and that is awesome. But I couldn’t sleep last night because of the list of relationships (and accompanying Scripture verses with some examples) that flooded my mind. I had no intention of commenting on your post, because I didn’t know exactly how I felt about it, and I respect you and your reputation. But at midnight, I just had too many examples come to mind to ignore, and had to get up and write them down. I believe the didactic instruction is contained within the narratives, Gary. I know in the example of Ruth and Boaz, that it is found in Ruth 2:10-13, when Boaz commends Ruth’s character and her decision to take refuge under God’s wings. My point is, I don’t think this conversation is meant to be between you and me; I feel very much that I was a messenger of what was shown to me, and I would love nothing except for you to take it to the Lord and ask Him about it. There may be something within it that is useful to you. The reason I believe that is because, as you may have noticed, none of my personal experience has been mentioned–it was solely Scripture that came to mind. I just hope you would take a moment to pray about it, since you are in a position of tremendous influence and power. That must be a huge responsibility and honor. Thanks for listening. I think it is admirable that you take the time to respond to everyone who comments. Thank you, Gary. Joni
One other point–thankfully, God has never divided His word as He taught me, saying, “You can’t learn from that; it’s narrative!” Instead, He has offered 2 Timothy 3:16: “All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness”…not portions, but all. I don’t believe that narrative is any less instructive that didactic Scripture, and my experience has been the richer because of it. Thanks for listening. Joni
Hi Joni
I would tell you that people don’t chane their thoughts or theology over night, by praying about it or by some debate/arguments online. I have seen in time that Gary;s position is formed in a long run and from experience, I honestly don’t think it will make any difference. When someone has a perspective on something it is virtually impossible to step out of his paradigma and see objectively some other possibilities – and that includes all of us.
So leave it to Gary – the possibility to influence people for the better or for not (if should be the case) and let the responsibility of those he influences to think for themselves and choose what the Holy Spirit validates to be right.
Blessings.
Fair enough Joni! Let me get into this a little more, with all due respect. Narratives are beautiful examples of God’s grace, but all of them don’t teach us as directly as the didactic portions are intended to do. For example, David chose Bathsheba because of sheer lust. Solomon came from that line (which led to the Messiah) but nowhere does the Bible suggest that we should follow David’s example in claiming another man’s wife because we lust for her beauty (even though God brought great good out of that union) Abraham sent out his servant to find a wife for Isaac–no one is suggesting fathers do that today. Rebekah lied to Isaac to get Jacob his firstborn blessing–no one should suggest that this endorses wives lying to their husbands or second borns stealing inheritance rights. The Bible tells us what happened without always mentioning the intended lesson. If you take your point to its logical conclusion, you’re suggesting that women who are interested in a man and think he may be the one should go lay down at his feet, lifting up the blanket, as Ruth did.
The fact is, with the full Scriptures and the Holy Spirit, modern Christians are far more equipped to please and follow God than Old Testament believers, who had far less guidance, didn’t understand the Gospel of grace, and lived by fear, not the indwelling power of the Spirit.
This is basic Bible teaching, understanding that different genres of Scripture have a different purpose and need to be handled accordingly. While the wisdom literature is inspired, Proverbs is “general wisdom” and shouldn’t always be read as explicit commands, like the Ten Commandments or Paul directly teaching what to do and not to do in the epistles. That doesn’t dishonor wisdom literature, it rather respects its purpose. That’s true of poetry, parables, apocalyptic literature, didactic teaching, and yes, narratives. Narratives are true–but they don’t always tell us we are to do what the narratives do.
On your end, you’ve been completely silent about the clearest didactic part of Scripture. You haven’t responded to me about HOW, if what I’m saying isn’t true, someone can truly know that a particular person is “the one.” You haven’t explained what Paul could possibly mean in 1 Corinthians 7:39. You haven’t suggested how your thoughts square with the wisdom literature of Proverbs 31 that says a wise match is made by choosing a woman of character and faith, without even a HINT that there is only one woman for a man to marry–or telling us how to find that women. You’ve used specific narrative examples of God creating a bloodline for the Messiah, but how does that help us today?
Gary, thanks for your response. I have been pondering and will offer what I have so far, which is: If this article had been titled, “You May Not Know Your Spouse is the One when You Marry Them,” then we wouldn’t be having this conversation. I don’t disagree with the Biblical instruction; that’s why I haven’t addressed it. But I do disagree with the implication that God doesn’t care about us, who we marry, and our generations. You refer to the bloodline for the Messiah as an explanation for why God cared about orchestrating many of the relationships in Scripture. True…and I believe our stories also matter and affect eternity, and so our choices matter and have eternal weight. I believe that for the sake of His kingdom, God cares about orchestrating our relationships today. Actually, not only do I believe that, I have lived it. No, we may not know our spouse is “the one” until we can see history unfold the way we can in Scripture today. But our lack of perspective has no bearing at all on God’s intimate love and unique plans for us, our spouse, and the generations who are doing His kingdom work today. We are meant to be partners in ministry, praying for each other and helping one another become the people God created us to be. To say that God simply requires us to fulfill a checklist of Scriptural guidelines in order to select a spouse goes against the intimacy He calls us to in relationship with Him. With all that said, however, I have learned (and we can see evidence in Scripture) that the path to saying, “My husband or wife is the one God gave to me,” comes through suffering, conflict, and obedience and submission to God by both parties. The path to a God-honoring marriage is no different than any other path that honors Him…it’s difficult and self-sacrificing. As for I Corinthians 7:39, isn’t that an amazing difference and change? At one point, widows were provided for by marrying any living brother of their husbands (re: the story of Tamar and Onan). But Paul states that a widow is free to be married to whomever she wishes, only in the Lord? For Paul to affirm that freedom in Scripture is a blessing for women, who would also be subject to Paul’s exhortations to “pray continually,” and “present your bodies as a living and holy sacrifice,” and therefore, would seek His will in all areas of life.
I am including a vision statement that my husband and I wrote for our marriage several years ago. It illustrates the generational and eternal impact I was referring to in this note. Thanks for listening…I really do appreciate it. Blessings! Joni
Through the power of Christ’s Love for us, we are committed to each other with a bond of love that can never be broken, and we will always be faithful to each other and God.
We will model for our children and future generations lives founded in Christ.
From the blessings God pours out on us, we will bless others and honor Him to make a difference in this world and for eternity.
Hi Gary,
I have to remind you that while some texts are narrative not specifically instructive, the epistles are not entirely didactic either – 1 and 2 Cor were written in specific response of Paul to specific problems in Corinth. So you cannot make an universal rule of that saying “”she can marry whomever she wants”….for if you do so, remember Paul said “”remain in the state you are – if you are single stay single…”””and you cannot make the universal rule for people that is better to not marry at all because Paul said so in a “”didactic epistle””.
I would rather say that this text – she is free to marry in the Lord – is as enigmatic as other texts that seem to contradict God’s sovereignty and leading, and exalt human free will and choice. The way one theologian reconciles these 2, it will reconcile also the problem of free choice of marrying someone with God’s guiding/choice/sovereign plan for that person/family.
Personally I have no dilemma: it;s a matter of pure obedience, as all life of faith is. God is leading, speaking through His Spirit, I am free to choose to obey what I do understand Him saying or not. In any case – hearing wrong from God or right – I am ultimately responsible for my choices.
My experience was meeting a man four years my senior when I was 16. I was raised in a “Christian” home, but was not set a good example by my mother. I was extremely insecure and seeking love, acceptance, and someone who would want me. When he proposed after three months, surprisingly I was strong enough to say, “I can’t marry you. You’re not a Christian” (he was a non-practicing Catholic). He then turned his life over to God, but there wasn’t any sudden change.
I was not given any guidance from my parents. Only a couple weeks before the wedding, my father came to talk to me because my mother and my fiance were having a power-struggle (who’s in charge?!). He said, “You can still call off the wedding.” I was 18 by then and still insecure. My fiance had told me numerous times, “God told me you’re the one for me.” I had doubts, but how do I argue with that? What if no one else ever wanted to marry me?
All this to say, I don’t think a person who is not given any wise godly advice can be held accountable for their “choice.” I hold my parents partially responsible for my choice. My insecurities. My need to have someone “want” me. My need to be beautiful. All the superficial stuff. These were a mirror of all of my mother’s insecurities. She was not an example of a Godly woman.
Thank God, he has been a good husband for 38 years. Oh, yes, there have been very difficult, rocky times, but I do see how God has watched out for me and over me. Would I “choose” him again with what I know now? I’m not sure.
The last thing I would do, Pam, is “fault” an 18 year old for making a choice like this, given these circumstances. This post isn’t about blaming; it’s about guiding singles to learn from others’ experience instead of their own mistakes, helping those already married to accept the responsibility of their choice, and finally, to pastorally remove a potential cause of bitterness toward God. I hate to see people get angry with God by blaming Him for something that He may well not have favored.
Hi Gary, I wrestled with this post until I read your statement “I hate to see people angry with God”. A little background before I explain. I was married to a physically, emotionally, and spiritually (he was a pastor) for 20 years before he decided to divorce so he could marry the woman (same age as me) he was involved with for several years during the marriage. During my years of trying to live out my faith in my marriage, I was directed by a counselor to read your book ” Sacred Marriage”, which I did. Sadly the enemy used it (I know against your intentions for the book) to keep me in the bondage of an unloving marriage. I had prayed before marrying and even changed my mind after saying yes so I prayed more which led me to discern the Lords leading to go ahead with the marriage. I felt complete peace as I stood at the altar which was a fact I also used to justify my stayievenAt this point to say I was wrong would be to diminish the Lord working in my life then and even more so now. Back to my point of clarity, with all due true respect Im wondering if your fear of God not being blamed is the lens that distorts the truth you’re trying to tell. Back to my story…I was VERY angry with God for betraying me (or so I thought) by misleading me in marrying someone who would not love me. Wellll…the good Lord has been faithful to patiently endure my anger and blame to teach me how much He LOVES me. As it turns out, He was the only person I could safely get honestly ranting angry with to discover I am still loved. Once I fully embraced and understood my anger He revealed how angry He was at how I had been treated but also how hurt He was by how I had acted towards Him. Again with a desire to speak some truth in love, I thought your interaction with Josh exposed some underlying anger on your part. I can only imagine the pressure of putting your heart and mind on paper (or in HTML) for all the world to read. For that I admire and thank you for your courage! I would like to offer you the exhortation that The Lord God is big enough to handle our anger, blame and whatever other sinful behavior we engage in. He does not need to be defended (even when he does in fact lead people to do painful things ie Abraham offering his son eek) especially by mere mortals. Sadly yet gratefully I had to go to some extreme depths to fully understand His Love is deeper still. Thanks for reading and I welcome your response. Keep up the good work!
Thanks Gary. I see now that the article is mainly addressed to singles. It just seemed to me there was an underlying theme regarding “choice.” As the saying goes, “You made your bed, now lie in it.” Based on my experience, my inclination is to “bristle” when it comes to me being responsible for my “choice.”
I must say, I have never blamed God. (I guess I should stop blaming my parent’s, too. :/ )
Even when I had four brain surgeries back in “07, I never said, “God, why me?” My husband has walked through the journey of healing with me these past seven years.
Anyway, your article directed toward singles is very good. I think youth pastors need to share this information with their youth groups.
Honestly, I stopped reading after you listed I Corinthians 7 as a reason why God does direct us to who he has for us. You might of listed the context later in article of what was happening in Corinth to warrant the Apostle Paul to say what he said. We do know God’s purpose for male and female is marriage. We know this from Genesis. To say God does not have his hand in bringing two people together and allowing him to lead us in marriage and the marriage covenant between a man and woman and God is reckless. This “new age” teachings on Biblical marriage has caused so many harm and problems in the dating relationship and marriage. These new age teachings teach out of I Corinthians 7 that it is better for you to be single and serve the Lord and that is not at all what the Apostle Paul is teaching to us today for us to do. Why did the Apostle Paul say that to the Church of Corinth? I know why. When the answer is found, it is seen that this teaching today being forced down young believers is false and hurting the Church not helping it.
Josh, let’s be fair: if you HAD finished the post, you would have seen that I specifically DO say God can lead two people together. The recklessness is actually you accusing me of something I directly contradict! And I believe it’s far more “new age” to favor mystical choice over my suggestion of applying biblical wisdom, character and faith to help you decide who to marry. I’m trying to help people here, not engage in a fight. the way we make decisions has significant implications later on. I’m not interested in winning a debate, but in offering pastoral care so that people make a wise, biblical choice and if they’ve made a bad one, stop blaming God with bitterness and resentment. I believe you’ve missed the tone, intent, and even explicit teaching of my post.
Gary, I did go back and read the entire post. I do not see it as mystic to believe that we can completely give our future mate over to the hands of God and ask God to lead in who he desires. I believe when Jesus says whoever wants to follow me must deny himself and take up his cross that includes giving over rather if we should marry or not and who God has for us. We should only be single or be in marriage if only if God desires it for us. Jesus even prayed in the flesh, “not my will be done but your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. Jesus taught us how to pray and I believe that prayer is for us to say and live to for our lives. Your article is provocative but this very train of thought you give is teaching young people that they are to be single but it is causing pain that was never intended to be. Each individual should seek out the Lord and allow the Lord through the Holy Spirit reveal the will of God for each individual instead of the notion that it is better to be single. Again, the context of what the Apostle Paul was experienced needs to be looked at to see what made him say that to the Church at Corinth. God specifically talks about in the Scriptures that He is about life and the abundance of life through being fruitful and bringing your children up in the Lord. If I am be resentful its because of the lives that have been torn and pain suffered because of the teaching that its better to stay single. That is not God’s universal plan. Does God want some to be single. Yes. But, that is the very minority group of people. This article is definitely a stumbling block to many. I believe the teachings of the Scriptures that God still works Divine Revelations through us for our edification, growth, and to reveal and guide us in His specific will for our lives if we seek it. That is not mystic. What is mystic is the eastern religious practices finding its way into churches or movements of the young believers.
Where in the world do you get that I’m telling people to be single? I wrote an entire book (The Sacred Search) on helping people make a wise marital choice. I’ve written several other books on the glories of marriage! I don’t expect you to know me–I lay no claim to fame–but I can’t ignore someone misconstruing my main message. Perhaps you’re completely unaware of what I do. You seem like an articulate thoughtful guy but one who wants to back me in a corner that I don’t fit in. But I’m grateful that you’re clearly engaging the Scriptures and expressing a pastoral heart for others. I don’t get into chat disputes, so I’ll leave it at that
I am so joyful that you sent me this blog. It is excellent reading because of the subject and the fact, from my experience very few address the partnership (man & woman) guidance of selecting our spouse the way Pastor Gary has.
As you can tell I whole heartedly am in agreement with the biblical standard of selecting one’s mate; and it is not that God will select that person for you. He has provided the guidelines in the bible whereby we can tell if he or she is good fruit for marriage. I have heard decisions to get married made from I am getting older to I’ve known them along time; often we make decisions based on feelings, emotions, wants, desires, others opinions, past relationships and then believe it was God’s doing. I Did!
The word of god do not teach God will slect a mate for anyone. What our father do teach is what to look for in one’s prospective husband or wife. The ideal wife is identified throughout the bible and summed up in Prov. 31. Who can find her? he the that delights himself in God.
I remember meditating on the Prov. 31 woman as the ideal wife. After marveling at her beauty as the word of god paints her. She is not this beautiful woman because she says so, but because of what she does and others are saying it of her. It is not the outward adornment but the inner beauty that radiating that has others give her praise.
I asked the lord a question. I believe it was the holly spirit prompt me to ask. I said Lord being she ( Prov. 31) is the perfect wife who is the perfect husband?
His answer blew me away. Most would think the reply was Jesus, but it wasn’t. It was versus I had been praying the lord to help me become. Psalm 1:1-3 that is the man every woman should desire. If she doesn’t have this picture of him how will she recognize him when she sees him, better yet the more she study what he does look like; the more she’s prepared not to fall for the counterfeits.
Let add I am still desiring/ praying to walk the Psalm 1:1-3 life not only for myself be other men.
Many of us has made the mistake of blaming God for our decisions. May we learn from the wrong choice we made and teach others not to make the same. God’s word provides the wisdom needed to select and live a Christ for Church Love marriage
Very inspirational. Thanks for sharing
I loved reading the article and all the comments. I was married 25 years. At many times during our marriage things were rocky. We dealt with so many difficulties but always pulled through with the glory going all to God even if we didn’t acknowledge that at the time. We had 3 beautiful children. My husband rededicated his life to Jesus in 2007. In 2009 he said he deserved to be happy, left me and the kids and married someone 6 years older than our oldest daughter. He said that he believed 99.9% that God was ok with this. Needless to say we have all been hurt so much. The most important thing to me was to stay a family. We were always very close. I’m not sure if anybody has heard of standing. I am still standing for my marriage. I truly believe God will restore. Through prayer and wise counsel I have been able to do just this. I have good days and bad days. It’s been 5 years and I have come a long way. I try to grow stronger in the Lord everyday. I promised for better or worse and I am doing just that. I believe my covenant husband is in a very dangerous place. He has been deceived. I will continue to pray for him, standing in the gap for him. I pray he comes back to the Lord everyday. The scariest part is that he believes he is in God’s will. I am truly heartbroken for him and scared at the place he is in. I believe God has called me to remain single. I know He is protecting myself and children through this. God bless.
Sharon, this breaks my heart, and is evidence of what I’m saying, Just as your husband thinks he knows it’s God’s will for him to do this, we all know it’s NOT God’s will and CAN’T be God’s will. And that’s the same trap so many singles fall into, making assumptions about God’s will based on feelings. I’m so sorry, though, that this example comes at such a dear cost to you and your family. I’m praying as I write this that God will bring conviction to your husband, give him the grace to respond, and that you will be strengthened and comforted in the days ahead. Bless you…
Very good article Gary. I’m struggling in a marriage seeking the Lord’s guidance in direction in how to proceed, or if to hang in there. I’d appreciate your prayer for this, I just want the Lord’s will and intervention at this point to guide me. Thank you very much.
Praying right now…
The ‘success’ of marriages in the pre-modern eras were inextricably tied literally to physical survival. Even if couples were pagan, their survival required mutual cooperation and understanding in the relationship, even though the woman was viewed as a lesser being requiring dominance. Life was actually difficult to maintain and there was little or no legal recourse if one, particularly the woman, wasn’t happy and wanted out.
Today, survival isn’t as much a concern, while our “equal rights” have been taught/preached/propagandized by free-thinkers, the ‘elite’ and the media. We have learned to be more self-centered and selfish and we have public opinion and the law to back us up.
Is it any wonder that we as Christians, who must attempt to live and function in the moral squalor of our progressiveness, have difficulty hearing the Lord?
God does not specify our future spouses. He made us the most adaptable of all his creation. He taught us about the futility of sin and sent His Son to deal with its terms, while giving US the choice to accept them. He gave us a measure of faith to use and exercise and grow, at our discretion. When, and only when, we ASK, he gives us His wisdom (not our own) to make proper choices for ourselves, while at the same time allows us the grace to mess up, get up, then press on! He loves us despite our state of depravity and allows us the liberty to grow through our failures. Wow!
Christians really have nothing about which to complain. The fact that life in our fallen world is difficult and wrought with countless obstacles should be academic to believers. We should not allow life’s difficulties to distract us from getting out the gospel to the unsaved, so that their opportunities to CHOOSE are made real to them.
Our desire to marry is the will of the Father. But marriage is to be a Three-fold chord, not easily broken; not a partnership of two. They cannot be perfect, but with wisdom can be happily managed. Recognize and resist the temptation to stand for your “rights” within the marriage, for that is the status quo in our modern times, and it will fail both you and your spouse.
Thanks for adding some very well-spoken words!
God bless you Brandy! i believe that God is a matchmaker; (he did it so many times in the Bible) God guides us; he shows us the way, so long as we call on him and submit our will to him. i had similar convictions which is why i said yes to my husband. we have troubles but there is peace, which to me, means that God is with us no matter the storm.
I know a long journey lies ahead of us. But if things go wrong, (God forbid!) it does not mean he was not God’s gift to me. if i become a horrible spouse(abusive, drunkard, etc), it only means i have stopped allowing God to use me as a blessing onto my spouse, but if i strive everyday to seek God’s will and obey it, he will use me and i will have fulfilled my purpose of serving him. But if two people who look promising in the beginning should fail, it does not mean that God was not in it from the beginning. it only means they have refused to avail themselves for the God’s will to be done; for fulfillment of a divine purpose.
i believe God is a match maker, only if we ask him. The fact that Adam sinned does not mean he was not created by God. Satan was also created by God but he is now the greatest enemy of God. it does not rule out the fact that God created him…
If any one lacks wisdom let him ask God who gives freely. If anyone desires a good spouse let him ask God; even our earthly fathers know how to give us good gifts, how much more our heavenly father, the creator of all the universe… but when we ask, let us also pray for wisdom in discernment, to see it when our requests are answered; and let us not grow complacent in marriage because God united us for the fulfillment of a divine purpose.
In deed, it is the Lord who puts together.
I think that we forget that people can change. I was a young Christian when I sought out God’s guidance and confirmation about marrying my husband. He was my best friend and a good Christian at the time, but I still wanted to be sure that I was doing the right thing. I was open to hearing God’s dissaproval. I too believe God confirmed my choice to marry my husband. My husband and I married and then went to bible college together and grew spiritually. He was a great man of God until a few years ago. Now he is divorcing. He is sufferring from PTSD and is a very different man from who be used to be and not just spiritually. He used to be a people person and now be cannot stand to be around people. He is quite difficult to be around, but I would be willing to stick things out with him and help him if he’d let me. However, he has his heart set on divorce. It’s not so easy to determine if someone is going to remain good forever. We are not yet divorced and I keep praying that he will change his heart. I want to believe that God did want me to marry my husband and that one day we will be restored, and we can give God all the glory for restoration. If that doesn’t happen I think it’s not necessarily bad that we married. God knew my husband would change, but God has also never left my side and He continues to lead me. He doesn’t promise that we will always have happiness in our marriage, and I think there was a purpose to it all, even if it isn’t restored. I think our own judgment is very flawed, even if we try our best to judge biblically, or if seek spiritual confirmation. I don’t think we can ever fully know what the future holds in our marriage, but it’s not a bad thing. Our focus should always be in following Jesus, because no matter if the people or circumstances change around us He is our constant. He is the reason we live our lives day to day. His ways are higher than our ways, and we cannot see all hat He sees. If my marriage ends I will still have five beautiful children and a Savior that loves me.
What an astonishingly beautiful testimony of faith and perseverance. Bless you! You’re demonstrating such a mature and godly heart, mind and soul
People do change, some can start out as committed die hard Christians, and over the course of events in their life, endure stuff that changes their course. I have watched it time and time again in the lives of MOST of my Pastor’s and unfortunately, most have blamed their wives and seek divorce. It is so tragic, but it happens a lot. It just isn’t really discussed in fine Christian circles. I can count on one hand the number of Pastors that I have known that have been faithful. I get that they are human, but c’mon, why is marriage SO hard for the leaders. I just get disillusioned with this behavior. I have watched these wives try to put back the pieces of their lives for themselves and their kids. They are the walking wounded in most of the scenarios, and the Pastors remarry and find another place to minister it. While their former families are left scarred and broken. I just really wonder about the future of marriage as I grew up with, can any go the distance these days?
I agree with this blog it makes perfect sense. But the problem I see from the beginning is labeling god as he. To me if people just labeled god as just god or the creator I feel with common sense a person may follow a path with more free will to determine what is good for them. God knows what we are to do but it’s still up to you to recognize ones strengths and weaknesses that best suit you to where you fill ones cup and vice versa. God put us here to create think about that.
If you read the bible (preferably the kjv) capital G, God labels himself as a he, because he is. It seems you want to create your own god in your own imagination… “New” age, Babylonian self worship, please don’t be deceived or deceive others in the process… Let’s be real here.
I would have to agree, I chose very poorly the first time, I thought it was God answering my prayers because the whole world seemed to be shouting with joy, but that’s just it. God is that still small voice.. he was that nagging at the back of my head that felt wrong and that knot in my stomach. He was cautiously and gently speaking to me and I ignored it. That ended in disaster! The next man who walked into my life I ran to God this time and asked that he make that man the man for me and my children. God began to work on him and mold him and pull him closer to him and he became all that I needed and wanted.. so I do not believe my Husband and I were “created” for one another.. I believe that God made us who the other needed because He loves us both so much… My heart aches for young women who say “The one” is on his way and I will know him when I meet him.. That is a beautiful fairy tale but the truth? That guy who fixed your car twice and rushed over to turn off your water during a crisis or stopped on the way to work and plowed your drive.. that guy who is rough and tumble and doesn’t think you would give him the time of day is probably the perfect guy for you because he is real, and genuine and what you see is what you get… Take it from someone who dated suits and ties and chased after this idea of what “the one” would look like.. That dream cost me dearly and it was only when i let go of it that I met My Wonderful Husband, I am very happily now a welders wife.. God heals, God restores, God forgives and God continues to be with us through our mistakes.. But we are not Sims and He is not up there controlling every aspect of our lives that was the purpose of free will..
Beautiful comments. Thanks for sharing