“It’s been miserable, Gary,” the woman confessed. “We’ve only been married for three years but it has been the worst three years of my life. My husband has just been awful. And what frustrates me so much is that God confirmed that I was supposed to marry him, ten times over.”
You could have served the bitterness in her voice to a thousand people.
In another conversation, another woman, married not just years, but decades, to a man who proved to be pathological, slipped in the same sigh and words, “But God told me to marry him.”
To these and many others who said, “God told me to marry him/her,” I want to cry out, “No, He didn’t.”
How can I say that?
My response is simple: How can you say the opposite? There is nothing in Scripture that suggests there is just one person we’re ‘supposed’ to marry. Proverbs 31 urges young men to be guided by a woman’s faith and character in making their choice—there is no mention of second guessing some divine destiny. In 1 Corinthians 7, the apostle Paul tells women (widows, in particular) to seriously consider singleness, but assures them the choice of whether to get married is up to them, and then specifically says women can marry “whomever they wish” as long as their potential husband is ‘in the Lord.’ (v. 39) If the Bible explicitly says, ‘it’s your call whether or not to get married’ (a sentiment Jesus echoes when he says some “choose” to become eunuchs—celibate—in Matthew 19:12, with emphasis on the word “choose”) and it’s entirely your choice as to who to marry, why should your subjective feelings and reasoning override living by the truth of Scripture?
There is, quite frankly, nothing in Scripture that ever tells us it is our sworn duty to marry one particular person. Whether we marry, and who we marry, are spoken of in Scripture as part of God’s “permissive will,” something He allows us to choose.
Is it possible God has told a couple to get married? Look, I’m not going to put God in a box. I can’t say “He can do this but He can never do that” (and thus I’m admitting the title of this blogpost is a bit provocative to make a point). All I can say is that the clearest scriptural teaching makes marriage our choice—both as to whether we get married and to whom we marry. Presuming that some mystical leaning you’ve received overrides a clear biblical teaching is always risky and often foolish (regardless of how many times God seems to subjectively “confirm” this call; after all, God objectively said something very different in Scripture).
Why does this matter?
To move forward, we have to own up to our choices—why we made them and how to be responsible in the face of them. To a woman who was abused by her dad and then married an abusive husband, I’d say, with a pastoral heart, “You were deeply sinned against and hurt. The kind of man you felt ‘comfortable’ with, because of your upbringing, wasn’t good for you, so you chose a man who continued your father’s practices. Psychologically, that’s perfectly explainable, but let’s discuss how the grace of Christ can redeem your situation, help you evaluate what the right thing to do now is, and help you make better choices in the future.” I would never tell a woman who had been abused by her dad that God’s “perfect will” was for her to also marry a violent husband. There is nothing about the biblical doctrine of God’s providence that demands that application, unless you slip all the way over to determinism.
Far healthier, spiritually, than to sit in resentment against God, is to say to yourself, “I chose this man/woman. It might or might not help to explore why. But since I made the choice of my own free will, I bear certain responsibilities for the commitment I have made.” Then God becomes your ally, not your enemy, in helping you face the future. Instead of, “God, why did you lead me into this mess,” you’ll pray, “God, help lead me out of the mess I’ve made.”
That’s a huge difference, spiritually speaking.
On another level, the virtues of kindness, faithfulness and goodness demand that if I convinced someone to marry me, or agreed to marry someone, knowing it was a lifetime commitment, knowing it would be beyond complicated to dissolve the union, I need to step up to face the lifetime consequences. That means not just staying married but staying engaged in the marriage, working to make it the best for this person that I can.
If you’re a single person reading this, I implore you to avoid trying to “second guess” God’s will as to who you “should” marry and instead look for the character qualities in a spouse the Bible exalts. What I’m saying may not sound very romantic, but please realize that the consequences to living by a sentimental romanticism are real—and in the case of marriage, can be long-lasting. I just received an email last week, saying,
“Sadly, I was one of those people who believed with all my heart that God has only one person for me to marry. I also believed that God would do the choosing. I believed it was God’s will for me to marry my husband. This has had disastrous consequences. Based on all the things you outlined in The Sacred Search, my husband and I should not have gotten married.”
Here’s what I’m going to insist on: Just because you think God wants you to marry one particular person, doesn’t mean He does. And just because God doesn’t “stop” you from marrying someone doesn’t mean He agrees with you that it’s a wise decision (he didn’t “stop” a lot of people from robbing banks who are even now serving time in prison). He will never forsake you. He will be with you every second of that marriage, giving you the grace of Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit to live by your decision, but He has stated in His word that it is your decision, so it is risky to assume otherwise.
Rise up to your regal calling in Christ and own your decision. Of course, seek God’s blessing, but just as much, seek His wisdom in Scripture. While the Bible is silent on how you can definitively know who you’re “supposed” to marry, it does talk about the process of making wise decisions—applying biblical principles, seeking wise counsel, being deliberate and wise in your choice, considering the future, and basing your decision on the right priorities.
As the sad e-mailer suggests, I hit this hard in my book The Sacred Search and I’d suggest if this is still not clear to you, that you check out that resource. http://www.garythomas.com/books/sacred-search/
Roxana, I do believe GOD does at times intervenes in our choices. James 4: 15 says, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” That clearly means GOD will have the final say. We may choose to earn a living or get married, but it will only happen if it’s GOD’s will. You do have choices, but GOD can restrict those choices.
Than reconcile this intervention with the free willl and man\s “”independent choice””.
It is an either or situation, you cannot have both. Either man or God is sovereign and independent, making free independent choices. And since man is created by God we know how independent he is, don’t we?
And since James says God prevails in the end, why shouldn’t He prevail even from the start, when I begin to make my “independent “decision?
|Should I make my decision the best I can on my own, and then God prevail with His and turn things upside down? Real smart if so…
And finally, restricted choices are not free independent choices. All people will stone you for that, you are making them no longer free…
It is not a restricted choice, it is a JOINT choice out of love between a sovereign God and a loving obedient worshiper who is His beloved born again child, who by his “free human will” chooses the will of his Father!
With so much more women these days that are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, and very spoiled, really speaks for itself why many of us good single men are still Not married now which we really Can’t blame ourselves at all. To see so many others that were very blessed by God to be married with a family very much hurts us since many of us would’ve wanted the same thing, and being all Alone and having no one at all is the worst thing that can happen to us right now. God did say that man should never be alone, and i will give him a wife for a gift. If this was God’s intention in the first place to keep many of us Single, then we should’ve Never been born in the first place to begin with. And i am sure that many other people would agree with me as well since being alone all the time is No fun at all. If we had been very Blessed from the very beginning to have met the right woman to begin with, then we would’ve been set for life too. The way that women have changed for the worst over the years certainly tells the story since Most of the women years ago were Raised by very good parents to find a Good man to get married and have a family, and today Most of them are being Raised by very poor parents since they Don’t care what their children are doing anymore which it is very sad. Another Good reason why many of our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles had very long lasting marriages back then since it was so much more Easier for them finding the love of their life too, and many of our family members are still together right now.
“Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”….James 4:15….would this also apply to getting married. Not that the choice of who you marry is GOD’s, but that GOD allowed us to have our choice.
It worries me somewhat that people seem to assume that being in God’s will would automatically bring happiness. It can, but it doesn’t have to. Being in an unhappy marriage doesn’t mean it ISN’T the will of God. And being in a happy marriage doesn’t mean that it IS. Being brought to holiness is what life is about – and often God will bring about circumstances to increase our holiness and bring us closer to Him. Everything in life is about choice – we have free will – but God will use that for our benefit! Romans 8:28
Yes, true.
But would God direct you to marry a person who wil abuse you, beat you or despise you, just in order to make you more holy in character?
Happiness is not a good barometer of God;s will – look at Job, Joseph etc.
But there is a limit in the opposite direction as well.
It worries be somewhat that people seem to assume that being in God’s will would automatically bring happiness. It can, but it doesn’t have to. Being in an unhappy marriage doesn’t mean it ISN’T the will of God. And being in a happy marriage doesn’t mean that it IS. Being brought to holiness is what life is about – and often God will bring about circumstances to increase our holiness and bring us closer to Him. Everything in life is about choice – we have free will – but God will use that for our benefit! Romans 8:28
Paul’s Ephesians 2.8-10 tells us the good works God prepared beforehand for us to do them. This includes marriage or marriages and singleness. God decided without our input whether we marry or stay single, for his glory. This is difficult to understand…Plus Rick Warren tells us everything is Father-filtered (refer to Purpose driven life book) meaning he already considered our sins or lapses in judgment (including whether to marry this or that person) when he decided on these good works. Bottom line is to reduce our heartaches we do these: stay close to God, read Bible , Proverbs 11.14, 15.28, seek counsel, read Christian books on marrying well, pray, fellowship and worship in church, have support group, read blogs like Gary Thomas’…
And women, marry WHOMEVER you want, in the Lord.
– apostle Paul
God bless all your loved ones. God bless your work.
There is something wrong in logic, in how we use reason in proper context when we compare these 2 situations – God did not stop a person from marrying someone and God did not stop people from robbing banks. The former is decided on good faith – to marry is good while the latter is inherently bad – robbing banks is obviously wrong.
Gary, I have a question. Would GOD prevent you from marrying someone. Several times in my dating life, I have met women I would have married. Yet circumstances suddenly changed. I had met one woman in church I liked. It turned out we were going to be taking the same college class. She had also recently moved down the street from me. I thought this was looking good. 3 days before the start of the class, out of the blue, I was switched to working nights. My boss just told me, we need you on nights. Next week you start the night shift. That put an end to me and her sharing a class. She works days, and now I’m working nights. Doesn’t matter if she living down the street from me. We won’t see each other.
This is just one example of sudden changes in circumstances of some of my dating. By the way, I saw her a few years later….I realized it would not have been a good choice. There was no attraction now.
We talk about who we marry is a choice, but would GOD prevent you from marrying?
Well, NO.
If God is preventing you than He intervenes in your choice and you have no free will anymore.
It was your choice to give up this relationship when circumstances got difficult, against the natural. You could have met in weekends, right? You would have found a way if you truly wanted, is it?
Curious about Gary’s answer, but I don’t hold my breath, expecting him to answer, as he didn’t in other posts. This one is way too old, from January.
I didn’t give up the relationships. They were put out of my reach. It wasn’t that the relationships were difficult, I never said that. Circumstances changed and they were no longer available.
Relationships are evailbale only by the choice of both people involved. Maybe circumstances are difficult but only people can decide if they fight every obstacle for their relationship.
Don’t confuse things.
I believe that’s certainly possible. I’ve read accounts of people who were contemplating great sin and it became impossible for them to carry it out–they attributed it to God stopping them, which may have been the case. But obviously, God doesn’t stop every act of sin from occurring. I’m certain God has steered circumstances to keep various people apart, but on the other had, He obviously doesn’t stop every foolish marriage from happening. All we can do is apply wisdom and be attentive to our own personal situation.
So He is a capricious God: sometimes He does things, sometimes He doesn;t. Sometimes He prevents us, sometimes not. Sometimes He leads us, sometimes He doesn’t…
All we can rely upon is our own wisdom and attention to our own situation.
WOW. Man is more reliable than God.
That’s a gross mischaracterization of what I was trying to say. I certainly don’t believe your spin on it. Please, Roxana, feel free to state your opinions–we always let you–but refrain from trying to restate mine. You haven’t been very successful at that.
Then restate your own by all means.
REstate what you said: “”I believe that’s certainly possible. I’ve read accounts of people who were contemplating great sin and it became impossible for them to carry it out–they attributed it to God stopping them, which may have been the case. But obviously, God doesn’t stop every act of sin from occurring. I’m certain God has steered circumstances to keep various people apart, but on the other had, He obviously doesn’t stop every foolish marriage from happening. All we can do is apply wisdom and be attentive to our own personal situation.””
What can anyone understand from this, besides what I restated?
Sometimes like this, sometimes like that..Look at your situation. Where is the “”gross mischaracterization””? Or maybe you didin’t realize this is where it leads – a relativism of God’s dealings?
Great Reading– There is a strategy to deploy that wisdom. Example Genesis 24
Put some deal breakers in place and don’t settle.
It seems your no longer replying to comments but I genuinely am struggling with the concept of personal relationship with god / his plan for us / letting the Holy Spirit guide our decisions vs evaluate your spouse against a checklist and wear the burden of a poor decision.
To me it seems contradictory to say it’s possible god will lead you to someone but don’t get your hopes up (para phrasing blog premise).
How can I really trust if it’s the Holy Spirit or my just own free will on any area of my life?
I see your reference there is a bible verse about the person having certain qualities. Counsel etc. but does this overrule doctrine that the Holy Spirit will guide your decisions if you submit to gods will?
Is the concept
– it’s possible you misheard the Holy Spirit with your own feelings –
a way to Rationalise the confusion and potential god blaming of marriage breakdown or is it really unlikely the Holy Spirit will guide you to find a spouse as a general principle if you seek guidance?
Am I hearing anything from god at all or am I biased because I am just trying to rationalise continuation of the vision of gods will because of my own will for this girl?
I cannot answer the above questions to myself.
I felt strongly god was telling me someone was the one even when in my own will I was resisting but now doubt all the guidance I have received.
I feel/felt I am called to ministry and one particular girl to support me in that mission and now I am having doubts about my own faith and purpose. If A isn’t true how can B be true kind of thinking.
I’m only a very recent Christian but I am struggling with the underlying concept to not trust your ability to hear the Holy Spirit regarding spouse.
How can I not doubt all knowledge or guiding done by the spirit under that theology.
I’m not trying to argue or convince anyone of anything except myself. I am hurting and confused.
Sorry if I’m ranting or repeating but this is on my heart.
Someone please help me because previously I felt at peace trusting god but now after reading this post I don’t knew what to think / feel / trust about anything.
Hello,
Seem there are no answers on this blog anymore, but I will reponse – please keep in mind the theology behind the response.
You are exactly right – there is an inconsistency as you said “To me it seems contradictory to say it’s possible God will lead you to someone but don’t get your hopes up (para phrasing blog premise). How can I really trust if it’s the Holy Spirit or my just own free will on any area of my life?” The thing is, free will and God’s Spirit are not confused – it is like conversation between 2 living persons – you can discern your own thoughts and you can discern the direct answer of Someone else to your thoughts.
„I see your reference there is a bible verse about the person having certain qualities. Counsel etc. but does this overrule doctrine that the Holy Spirit will guide your decisions if you submit to gods will?”
No, these are not opposite. Biblical qualities and counsel go hand in hand with what God is communicating personally to you – in fact the synergetical leading through objective biblical principles and personal subjective understanding discern indeed that it is God’s guiding and not some personal preferences. It is with Scripture and its principles that we validate our experiences to be true, rooted in our genuine communication and relationsip with God. Still one has to get answers directly from God concerning principles, for some times people in counseling just put thing in a box and speak of their own experiences/prejudices. For example, restraints of marrying a young believer.
Yes, – it’s possible you misheard the Holy Spirit with your own feelings – and it\s not necessarily a rationalisation. You have to be very careful and aware of your own desires and feelings but at the same time, talk to God about all of them. Don’t be afraid, He knows them and as you discern your heart with Him and before Him, asking questions about your situation and decision to be made, He will answer you DIRECTLY to your issues, and you will have the certainty from the Spirit that it is indeed His voice and asnwer to you. Finding God’s will is not a one-time moment, like putting a fleece and going on with that – it is often a long process of people adjusting their hearts and motives before God and then discussing all issues involved in the decision with Him, and finally arriving at some point to a conclusion/decision with God.
I am so sorry for all confusion and hurt you are going through right now. I can testify from my own life, thateven in good faith and sincere heart looking for God’s will, I was mislead. The thing that makes the difference is exactly the process in finding God=s answer – the times than I was misled, the process was missing, my restling and discerning with God in a long process was not there = I just took a single message as my answer, and it wasn’t true. At the same time, during the genuine process of discovering what to decide, it is possible that God is telling other things and not exactly what we want to move forward one way or the other. But keep pending on the answer, keep being there in this process with God = at the right time He will say what is needed to make a decision. It is a process that not only will lead you to a God-decision if you obey what you understand He tells you, but changes also your heart into His more likeness.
If you are confused about your previous calling and guidance, don\t be afraid – just repeat it and go back to the start with God in this spiritual process. If it was real, than you will find the same conclusion regarding your calling and marriage. If not, you will find the new genuine calling and understand where you were mistaken.
Take heart in your own relationship with God. No one except you can interfere there, and mislead you. Depend on His love and goodness, and prepare your heart to surrender unconditionally to Him, for sometimes His answers and plans are contrary to our expectations and desires.
Blessings.
Thank you for your words.
Think about what I said and use it as you will.
No human can tell another human, through counselling or otherwise, “This is God’s will for you and your life”.
It’s difficult to provide a satisfactory answer in a short paragraph, so I’d recommend you read Dr. Bruce Walke’s “Finding the Will of God” and Garry Friesen’s “Decision Making and the Will of God.” Both books will give you comprehensive, biblically-nuanced guidance that you can contemplate and discuss with others
These books, which say: choose what you want, wisely. Entirely a different paradigma and theology than the Scaredandconfused guy said he has.
But hey, we operate only in our pattern of thinking, so even our counsel and advice cannot permeate our our perceived truth and ideas. We only preach what we perceive as true to our case.
Well what would God say about the women out there these days that are Totally different than the women of years ago that were certainly a lot better and much Nicer to meet compared to today? Another good reason why there are so many of us Good single men today, and Most of us i would say Aren’t Single by choice.
oooom poor you!
Let the women of years ago pity you for your miserable life.
Feelin’ better now?
Well Most women like You do Stink anyway, and many of us Good men are just too good for You too. Loser.
That;s why “stinky” women are happily married in the Lord and losers men like you aren’t , filling the internet with crap.
go take your insults some place else.
The guy is obviously hurting. I would suggest you leave the replies to someone else due to your lack of empathy in response.
Some people are genuinely seeking constructive guidance.
Something someone with an agenda might not be able to see.
We all hurt in different ways.
But we don’t complain or take our frustrations online. We deal with them the best we can in appropriate ways – not online. Conselling is not done online – I’ve said that before.
Complaining about “stinky women” is not constructive nor helpful. It is even insulting to suggest that women from today are all ….bad.
So i think my response is ok. It’s not a matter of compassion, is putting things into their appopriate place.
And stop insults!
My question is different. I have been married to my husband for 5 years. Before we were married, I used to tell him I knew he was the one for me cos I have prayed about it. I had no doubt God gave me the right person. Looking back, I may have been foolish, and also I feel there were many signs along the way that my then fiancé, almost gave up on our marriage before we were married. It’s liked we were doomed to fail,anway. Needless to say our marriage has my been great, although there were no major problems other than generally having a feeling of “is this all? ” . Till today I believed God intended us to be a couple. But Now I can’t help thinkin God has a hand in this and that he doesn’t want this marriage to work and that we were never supposed to be married. What does god wnat me to do in these situation?
I would say, first KNOW the REAL GOD. Seems that you are confused about His true character and who He really is, as the Bible describes Him, and not some human representation/imagination/perception.
Than, you will know what He wants from you in this situation.
You have to stop asking people for easy answers for your problems. Deal with them on your own with God, in your personal relationship with Him.
Gary or any of us has not a crystal ball with answers for everyone on this website commenting and asking.
COUNSELING AND PASTORAL COUNSELING IS NOT DONE ONLINE!!!
God blesses couples He really brings together, it’s not plagued with problems. The Lord does tell Christians on occasion who to marry. It not about who believes it or not. God created Eve for Adam and yes they got sidetracked by the serpent. That doesn’t mean He didn’t have a better plan in mind for them.
It’s hard to reconcile what you are saying to what we have experienced (I guess!). I myself have prayed for a husband & to get married for years, when I had 2nd thoughts before my wedding date came up I also prayed & asked if I should proceed and I really felt God’s answer was yes. A couple of months after the wedding I realized what hell I am in now. I am currently almost 4 months pregnant & married. My husband is emotionally & physically abusive. I found out he goes out w/ gay men & a drug addict, plus involved in a drug syndicate. Not only am I scared for my & my baby’s life because of my husband’s abuse but also because of threats in our lives coming from the drug syndicate he’s involved in. Honestly all these makes me question my faith, I haven’t gone to mass in 3 weeks since finding out these things…I still pray though…
You “felt” God’s answer was yes? How did you confirm this feeling?
please explain Jeremiah 33:3 applying to every aspect of life,asumming and knowing that God cares for His people, and of course applying it to this same context, that God still guides, the Word gives basis for this, thank you
Of course God directs you who to marry if you are truly born again.
Meditate on Proverbs 3: 5-6 and then tell me he doesnt,Its a promise from God
to be guided by him and he wont leave you to go your own way if you stand on and
apply his word according to Proverbs 3: 5-6
Gary, there is an excellent book that I believe aligns nicely with the points that you make. It is called “Decision making and the Will of God”, by Gary Friesen and Multnomah Press. Granted it is a bit dated but the principles that you highlight are right from his work. As a philosopher and theologian, as a guy who was at one time looking for a mate and as a Christian wondering how to make the “right” decision I love the book. From the perspective of our cultural desire for “love at first sight” and “destiny” the notion is a bit of a romance killer. But that, of course is because our cultural ideas of romance tend to be dead wrong. My wife had a visceral distaste for Thiesen’s premise that couples weren’t destined for each other. – The idea that “God told me to marry you” is just our cleaned up, “christianized” version of the same thing. That being said, there is something to be said that God did “call” me to marry my wife and here is my reason: I used the tools he gave me – in my daily walk with him – in order to confirm the sacred covenant that I stood before the Lord, and my wife, and made. I used godly counsel, the holy spirit and the guidance of His holy and living word. Certainly you can argue, as Thiesen would, that there might have been a thousand females out there that could have “fit the bill”. But the fact of the matter is that they didn’t “fit the bill”. In my pursuit, my wife was the one that the Holy Spirit led me to in very unique and specific, I’d say even miraculous ways. That cannot be ignored. She was the one that godly counsel, those who knew me best – agreed that it was “good” for me to marry. She is the one, at the appointed time, that in my daily walk with Christ I was led to choose, using his gifts and guidance. That fact cannot be ignored. When you have a daily, personal relationship with Christ – these are things for which He cares deeply. Mary and Joseph clearly were “called” to be together. Gomer was clearly called to be with Hosea. The old testament is full of women being “called” to marry specific men and men “seeking” the woman that God had for them. Are we to think that these are unique circumstances? I don’t think so. While we have choice and that choice is ours alone – we must not assume that God has no hand or interest in guiding us or directing us to that one who will sharpen us in the way we must be sharpened. That one who will help make us the “closer approximation” of Him that God wants us to be. No, I would say we must be very intentional about pursuing his direction – and leading – and yes, calling. In that sense, God does tell us who to marry. Even if it leads us into what marriage ultimately is for us all and that is – something completely different than we expected. I say this as a person whose marriage would not be held up as the pinnacle of Christ lead relationship. A hard and difficult path have my wife and I walked. My wife might even say that is an understatement. But here is the deal: when I made that covenant to her and the Lord in front of many witnesses – she had long been the woman God “told me” to marry. To love and to abide by. To love as Christ loved the church. And through the pain – for me at least – there is still joy in that journey – because God ordained it to be so. I don’t think that you, or Gary Theisen before you is wrong – but in advocating this notion we do risk turning a personal relationship with Christ into rote theology. I think we can get away with more of the former and less of the latter but the opposite is rarely if ever, true. Anyway, that’s my 2 cents worth. Thanks for your ministry. prb
Your book the Sacred Search is the very best book that I have ever read for single people! I am reading it twice and cant stop telling people about it! There were things in your book that as a single woman I didn’t know. It has bared witness with my spirit that it is indeed inspired by the holyspirt. Do you think that a single woman can marry a divorced man? Does God forgive divorce?
Robin,
Thanks for the kind comments. I believe that if a man is divorced for biblical reasons, he is generally free to remarry (though I’d recommend he take his time to heal and be judicious). If he has been abandoned by his wife or she has been unfaithful, I think you’re free to consider marrying him. If biblical standards haven’t been met, and there is any chance at all of reconciliation, I would urge you to refrain from becoming a stumbling block to their marriage being healed and restored.
What about many of us single men out there that just Can’t meet a good woman to share our life with? And many women nowadays are Not worth meeting at all since many of them have certainly Changed for the Worst over the years. Nothing like the the real Good Old Fashioned Women like we once had which many men and women were very Faithful to one another and made their marriage work. Even God said that man should Not be Alone.
yeah, what about that?
Do you want Gary to play matchmaker and find you a good ol’ fashioned woman?
To Roxana, first of all Most women today are nothing like the good old fashioned women were since many of them these days are very high maintenance. Very selfish and spoiled women that are certainly out there now, and years ago that explains why our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles had very long lasting marriages since Both men and women had to Struggle to make ends meat which they Accepted one another for who they were. So it would’ve been a lot Easier for many of us single men back then to meet a Good woman to settle down with to have a family that we Don’t have today. And since many women nowadays are very independent, they obviously Don’t need a man to survive which makes it very difficult for us men looking for a Good one now. And we really Can’t blame ourselves either since many of us Are Not single by choice.
Is this constructive in ANY WAY?
I recommend to you a movie, “Midnight in Paris” 2012, which is Non – Christian but has a very meaningful teching: STOP IDEALIZING THE PAST !!!!
I don’t believe for one minute that the past was easier/better/ etc than the contemporary era. In some way, things are worse, in other they are easier (technology).
Live in the present and make the most of it!!! You don’t do yourself and others any favors by blaming……whoever you’re blaming.
If you’re not single by choice, embrace it anyway.
Midnight in Paris – 2011 sorry.
and so have many men changed for the worse. Mamas boys, won’t provide, abusive, adulterers, fornicators, right in the church. Where are the good old fashioned men? Hmmm
that’s what you get when you have more affection and love for a human than God. The spouse is only a picture of your true marriage partner, Christ. All they are is a second rate knock off of the real deal which will come later. No one wants to hear it but agape love is commanded, nothing else. The reason is probably because some people feel they’re entitled to all sorts of fulfilled expectations like romance and emotional highs and all that useless noise.
Love is a pragmatic choice of will. Romance is not necessary in marriage. All that matters is you keep the covenant and you’ll be rewarded in heaven. Your marriage was never meant to be some safe haven where your spouse helps you all the time. it’s a job, like any other, and you’re doing it for the paycheck – not the experience. The payment is better Christ like characteristics in heaven. The real groom and bride is us and God. Keep your focus there. what happens here on earth doesn’t really matter much in that regard. Whether you enjoy it or not is irrelevant. You’re supposed to long for God and God alone. Not some wife or husband. Get over it.
Really?
Really????
Where do you get this from?
It;s “”nice”” to overspiritualize marriage and things, but it isn’t the truth.
Probably really loving your human spouse is out of the question, since your really marriage partner is God not a human.
Nonsense!
Gary, thank you for writing this article, I know this message was written for me. I have been married for three years and in an unhappy marriage. Prior to walking down the aisle, I had my concerns but I proceeded anyway. To be perfectly honest, I chose my desire for marriage over God’s word. My husband and I are not equally yoked (spiritually, mentally or financially) and it presents a big challenge in our daily lives. Over the course of our marraige my husband had neglected me and chosen his career pursuit over our marriage.
I am telling my story in the hopes that it will help the single women of God who is growing weary in waiting. Please don’t!!! Don’t waiver!!! Gods delay is not his denial; sometimes it’s his protection. God is our Shepherd!
I have struggled with my decision for most of my marriage and today I find myself at a cross roads, trying to determine what’s next. After reading your blog, I have to own the decision that I made. It was MY choice. God didn’t tell me to do this, and he didn’t tell me not too. What I am clear about now, is that his word told me to seek first his kingdom. I entered my marriage knowing that it was a lifetime commitment and now I have to deal with the lifetime consequences of my decisions. The reality of this is quite overwhelming. God’s word was there for me to follow but I allowed the fear of my age and being alone to lead me and not the Holy Spirit. Praise God for clarity!
As I step forward, I still stand at a cross roads. As one blogger mentioned a difficult and challenging situation to be in, but GOD IS FAITHFUL!!! I have to ask him how do I make Godly decisions going forward and how to use this situation to grow his character in me. Here I am God….
LJS…..I write as one who has your best interest in mind and as a fellow sojourner. I do hope you will stay the course though it may seem miserable and hopeless presently. Try to stay mindful of all the positive aspects of your mate and show gratitude for those good things. Don’t let yourself be at a crossroad, you have willfully made a life time commitment to another person and Gods Word can be your guide and His love and grace will see you thru. Be a shining star right where you are. I am not speaking as one who had a Picadilly marriage….quite the contrare. Hang in there young lady and surround yourself with those who will support you in doing that which is honorable and right. God bless.