“It’s been miserable, Gary,” the woman confessed. “We’ve only been married for three years but it has been the worst three years of my life. My husband has just been awful. And what frustrates me so much is that God confirmed that I was supposed to marry him, ten times over.”
You could have served the bitterness in her voice to a thousand people.
In another conversation, another woman, married not just years, but decades, to a man who proved to be pathological, slipped in the same sigh and words, “But God told me to marry him.”
To these and many others who said, “God told me to marry him/her,” I want to cry out, “No, He didn’t.”
How can I say that?
My response is simple: How can you say the opposite? There is nothing in Scripture that suggests there is just one person we’re ‘supposed’ to marry. Proverbs 31 urges young men to be guided by a woman’s faith and character in making their choice—there is no mention of second guessing some divine destiny. In 1 Corinthians 7, the apostle Paul tells women (widows, in particular) to seriously consider singleness, but assures them the choice of whether to get married is up to them, and then specifically says women can marry “whomever they wish” as long as their potential husband is ‘in the Lord.’ (v. 39) If the Bible explicitly says, ‘it’s your call whether or not to get married’ (a sentiment Jesus echoes when he says some “choose” to become eunuchs—celibate—in Matthew 19:12, with emphasis on the word “choose”) and it’s entirely your choice as to who to marry, why should your subjective feelings and reasoning override living by the truth of Scripture?
There is, quite frankly, nothing in Scripture that ever tells us it is our sworn duty to marry one particular person. Whether we marry, and who we marry, are spoken of in Scripture as part of God’s “permissive will,” something He allows us to choose.
Is it possible God has told a couple to get married? Look, I’m not going to put God in a box. I can’t say “He can do this but He can never do that” (and thus I’m admitting the title of this blogpost is a bit provocative to make a point). All I can say is that the clearest scriptural teaching makes marriage our choice—both as to whether we get married and to whom we marry. Presuming that some mystical leaning you’ve received overrides a clear biblical teaching is always risky and often foolish (regardless of how many times God seems to subjectively “confirm” this call; after all, God objectively said something very different in Scripture).
Why does this matter?
To move forward, we have to own up to our choices—why we made them and how to be responsible in the face of them. To a woman who was abused by her dad and then married an abusive husband, I’d say, with a pastoral heart, “You were deeply sinned against and hurt. The kind of man you felt ‘comfortable’ with, because of your upbringing, wasn’t good for you, so you chose a man who continued your father’s practices. Psychologically, that’s perfectly explainable, but let’s discuss how the grace of Christ can redeem your situation, help you evaluate what the right thing to do now is, and help you make better choices in the future.” I would never tell a woman who had been abused by her dad that God’s “perfect will” was for her to also marry a violent husband. There is nothing about the biblical doctrine of God’s providence that demands that application, unless you slip all the way over to determinism.
Far healthier, spiritually, than to sit in resentment against God, is to say to yourself, “I chose this man/woman. It might or might not help to explore why. But since I made the choice of my own free will, I bear certain responsibilities for the commitment I have made.” Then God becomes your ally, not your enemy, in helping you face the future. Instead of, “God, why did you lead me into this mess,” you’ll pray, “God, help lead me out of the mess I’ve made.”
That’s a huge difference, spiritually speaking.
On another level, the virtues of kindness, faithfulness and goodness demand that if I convinced someone to marry me, or agreed to marry someone, knowing it was a lifetime commitment, knowing it would be beyond complicated to dissolve the union, I need to step up to face the lifetime consequences. That means not just staying married but staying engaged in the marriage, working to make it the best for this person that I can.
If you’re a single person reading this, I implore you to avoid trying to “second guess” God’s will as to who you “should” marry and instead look for the character qualities in a spouse the Bible exalts. What I’m saying may not sound very romantic, but please realize that the consequences to living by a sentimental romanticism are real—and in the case of marriage, can be long-lasting. I just received an email last week, saying,
“Sadly, I was one of those people who believed with all my heart that God has only one person for me to marry. I also believed that God would do the choosing. I believed it was God’s will for me to marry my husband. This has had disastrous consequences. Based on all the things you outlined in The Sacred Search, my husband and I should not have gotten married.”
Here’s what I’m going to insist on: Just because you think God wants you to marry one particular person, doesn’t mean He does. And just because God doesn’t “stop” you from marrying someone doesn’t mean He agrees with you that it’s a wise decision (he didn’t “stop” a lot of people from robbing banks who are even now serving time in prison). He will never forsake you. He will be with you every second of that marriage, giving you the grace of Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit to live by your decision, but He has stated in His word that it is your decision, so it is risky to assume otherwise.
Rise up to your regal calling in Christ and own your decision. Of course, seek God’s blessing, but just as much, seek His wisdom in Scripture. While the Bible is silent on how you can definitively know who you’re “supposed” to marry, it does talk about the process of making wise decisions—applying biblical principles, seeking wise counsel, being deliberate and wise in your choice, considering the future, and basing your decision on the right priorities.
As the sad e-mailer suggests, I hit this hard in my book The Sacred Search and I’d suggest if this is still not clear to you, that you check out that resource. http://www.garythomas.com/books/sacred-search/
Hello! Gary
it has been quiet interesting to read this post and most of the following comments made.I really loved reading it.It challenged some of my incorrect mindsets and wrong beliefs.Thank you
I must say,though I agree with seeking wisdom ,it has brought fear and makes me doubt the place of Faith in choice of a life partner. What then is the role of the Holy Spirit in our lives?
Please Gary with the wisdom that GOD has given you, may you address these issues of Faith and being lead by the Holy spirit.
Regards Dodavah
Please see the comment above
Thank you for your thoughts and reminder that we are responsible for our own choices. As a single I do feel let down that after I have done what I can to verify my partner is someone I want to spend the rest of my life with by “applying biblical principles, seeking wise counsel, being deliberate and wise in your choice, considering the future, and basing your decision on the right priorities”. Typically I won’t be confirmed or denied by God. Especially as only God can know someone’s heart it seems to be the best choice to ask for a yes or a no, but knowing God will allow me the freewill to make my choice regardless of his answer. How should I pray for guidance in making such an importance decision?
Hey!Rachel
I find I have the same question as you do after reading this and being a single lady as well. I hope Gary will help out
I think it’s madness NOT to consult God even after applying wise, biblical decision making principles. I don’t want to be pushed into a false “either/or” dichotomy here. I DO listen to God, I just don’t fully trust myself to always hear Him correctly, particularly amidst the static of my own desires and feelings. Please, DON’T leave God out of the process. Just make sure that you own the decision AND that it makes sense, not only to you, but godly, wise people who have your trust.
This is just a side note, but how people respond also has a lot to do with their theology. I remember getting a sheet in a theology course in college on many views of Gods will and human free will. Armenian view at one end and calvinism at the other end. There were I think five other views in between, all with Scripture to back up the views. I tend to lean to believe God does have a perfect will which we have free will to choose or not. God does not force His will on anyone. But we can choose to partner with Him. So I believe God speaks today. Do we get it wrong? Yes. But Apostle Paul stated gift of prophecy as one of the gifts. I think people can hear who God wants to be their spouse prophetically. But they should use the gift of wisdom and the gift of discernment along with hearing Gods prophetic will. Wise counsel is necessary as well. Hope this all makes sense.
I just wanted to add some Scripture references for my comment above.
1 Corinthians 12:7-11 lists the gift of the Spirit.
1 Thessalonians 5:19-22 (NIV) “Do not quench the Spirit. Do not treat prophecies with contempt but test them all; hold on to what is good, reject every kind of evil.”
1 Thessalonians 5:19-22 is a good word of wisdom in regards to listening to the Holy Spirit prophetically.
Proverbs 19:20-21 (ESV), “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future. Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.”
Proverbs 19:20-21 is a good word of wisdom to seek wise counsel. They should be in my opinion, those we trust. They should be mature Christians. They should be in prayer with as we pray and discern God’s will (no matter which decision that may be).
you are contradicting yourself and leading people down a slippery slope
this was supposed to be after Mr. Thomas’ comment about how you shouldn’t leave God out,etc. These posts are not being put below where are supposed to go
Thank you Gary! What a fantastic article! Praise God for his truth. You are one I can appreciate it. Feelings can lie, ask God for wisdom, and seek godly counsel, that’s what his word says… and listen to the counsel. .. find your satisfaction in the Lord! A spouse can’t fill a God hole, they’re not big enough : )
I had a relationship that was very serious and was given counsel to not marry him, i broke it off. so glad I listened! I am now married to the best husband for me. He is a man of God who cherishes me and a wonderful father!
I will forward this to every single person I know. Praise God for you.
I believe this post makes a lot of sense. I too married someone I believed to be a Christian and he has chose over and over again to disregard his COVENANT with God and I. God allows us a choice… BEFORE marriage- however, it is a LIFETIME commitment. Wives who are abused… Can choose to leave, but must not be caught up in an adulterous affair. I’m in my 11th year of marriage with a man who was abusive and has had numerous affairs in the past 6 years. I have to remember… He’s not perfect, he’s failed as a husband and father and he’s not mine to FIX. I have chosen to live separately and he will have to choose DIVORCE if he wants. As it stands… I am in covenant and all I can do for him is pray and remain a faithful wife. A life of celibacy can be found in marriage too. I’m living it. It was a choice to get married… But, when you say your vows it’s a covenant. Yes, God permits divorce for the hardness of our hearts… Buy God still hates it. Yes, life with Christ can and will be carrying your cross. A life of obedience… Can also still be joyful, when you let go and follow God… It also means letting go of the emotional baggage and finding the good that God still provides!
I understand that Christians want to beleive that God has someone special chosen just for us. Biblically it holds no ground. I have heard people quote Matthew 1:20, where people are saying God told Joseph to get married to Mary. The words read “Joseph, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife”. God never ordered Joseph to get married to Mary, he was just told not to be afraid about choosing her as a wife. Also in Hosea 1:2, Hosea was told to go out a marry a promiscuous woman. God didnt tell him which one, Hosea had to choose one.
We choose who we marry and live our lives with. God can certainly guide our decision through prayer. God gave us something in the beginning called ‘free will’. How can we have ‘free will’ if God is telling us who we should be marrying? It doesn’t make sense. God doesn’t contradict himself.
If you read 1 Corinthians 7:2, Paul talks about each husband having his own wife and each wife having her own husband. It says nothing about who that husband or wife should be, just that he or she should have one.
If we take this to a more literal viewpoint. Lets say that God told Bob to marry Jane, that Jane is supposed to be married to Bob. What if Jane doesn’t hear Gods word and marries John? Well now what is Bob supposed to do? So then Bob goes and marries Susan..but Susan according to Gods will was supposed to marry Bill. So what does Bill do? All it takes is ONE person to not hear Gods word and the whole thing is messed up.
God does not divinely appoint everything in our lives. He leaves it up to us to choose Him..to choose his son Jesus Christ for our salvation. He leaves it up to us to choose our spouse. God gives us a guide for our lives. Lets choose to do the right things in our marriage and stop waiting on God to fix our problems. We can seek wisdom from God but its up to us to use that wisdom and do the right things in our marriage. God Bless! 🙂
Where is this phrase “free will” mentioned in the bible?
Whare is the phrase “Holy Trinity” referring to God in the Bible?
It seems we are more on our own then we think. As christian, I was raised to believe that God has a plan for me, and a right One, and when the right time comes, He will lead us to each other and we will know… but life is harsh and less romantic and perhaps we have a more distant God. The thought is painful and I don’t want to believe it.
*than
Is it distant if I don’t have a full plan for my kids’ lives, but rather raise them and teach them to live life on their own, and make good choices, all while having relationship?
There are many messed up views of God, and we are often told it’s “this or nothing” when if we but look deeper we find something totally different.
If you spend some time just wandering the Gospels, asking God to show you who he is and who you are (made in his image!!!) I will be very surprised if you still find God to be distant without forcing you to put every step in a specific place.
I believe there are certain times and places God wants us to be for certain people, just as when he sent Philip to the Ethiopian eunuch. But there are plenty of times even when Jesus was here physically in a body that he didn’t give the apostles daily (much less up to the minute) assignments.
I understand your point, Miles, and I agree with you. It’s only that, my experience left me a bit confused; I always prayed for wisdom and tried to follow the principles but after some failed relationships, I asked God to not let me get into a wrong relationship again, to bring into my life the right person, as One who knows the future and the best… and next person seemed exactly what I prayed for, a good christian and so…and I was so happy that God finally answered my prayer, only to be dissapointed and hurt again. For most of my previous failures I could find an explanation and blame myself but this time I tried my best and I had a clean conscience and yet the same result. At that time I trusted with all my heart that God is giving me a gift, and had such a peace believing it’s His plan ….than I felt betrayed…..perhaps I set my expectations too high…I don’t know, I still pray that God will make me understand what went wrong and what I could have done better.
my reasoning is that based on significance between being born again and getting married. if God had priorities, getting everyone born again woudl be His first. He wills that none should perish but that all should come to eternal life. Still, we know that He left that to us as a choice. Why on earth would He then choose a spouse for us if even Salvation – as important as it is to Him- is still our choice. If God cannot manipulate my will and force me to be born again, He will not manipulate my will and by giving or choosing me a spouse.
John 6:44
“No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them, and I will raise them up at the last day.
The Lord told Joseph through the angel Gabriel to marry Mary (Matthew 1:20) and Hosea to marry a prostitute (Hosea 1:2). The Lord does in fact tell some people who to marry. Maybe not all, but some, yes. Scripture testifies to this. The a Holy Spirit has not been dispensationalized. I am a living testimony of the Love of God through divine direction, as millions have. Now true, it is up to us whether to obey God or not, but He is never to be put in a box and told what He can and can’t do, because He indeed has and still does. An intimate relationship with Jesus Christ will set us in the direction of where He wants us. Every step of a righteous man is ordered by God (Psalm 37:23).
Of course, you’re correct. In a very few instances, some biblical characters were told to marry one particular person (though Hosea was told to marry a prostitute, not Gomer in particular, to make a point. Joseph was specifically told to marry a particular woman). And I specifically say I’m not trying to put God in a box. But the general teaching of Scripture for us today is to use wisdom rather than mystical confirmation.
I’m not quite sure what you are specifying as “mystical confirmation”, but I sincerely hope that you aren’t referring to the manifestation of the Holy Spirit, Who is well alive and 100% in action today. He alone proves Himself. It has been a false teaching in many theological studies that pushes: what happened with the first church has been dispensationalized–but no where in scripture does this even give such a hunch. The Holy scripture is so simple, and we must not complicate it. Every word we preach must be backed up by the Word of God. There is power in it. The Holy Spirit still speaks to His children and gives us direction and direct orders. His love makes this clear to us, as it is (literally) alive. Meditate on the Word and He will indeed speak to you, Gary, as He has myself and innumerable others. His love for you is just that great! God bless you.
And if you ever question whether something came from God or not, He always gives confirmation (Psalm 62:11). Therefore, you aren’t relying on your own wisdom, but rather the wisdom of God. He will always give confirmation. Remember, He is not a God of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33) and won’t leave you hanging.
AMEN
I preach, write, and practice being continually filled with the Holy Spirit. I also look with humility on my sinful ability to confuse His voice with my wants
Jen B, when you say the Holy Spirit speaks to his children, what do you mean? Audible voice? Feeling? Nudge? Thought in your head? A feeling or nudge could be just a “feeling” or a “nudge.” Hearing voices is a bit tricky though. If that is what you mean, then perhaps you believe the cannon of scripture is not yet complete? If people still hear “words” from the Lord, then that necessitates continuous revelation, and that leads to some really big theological problems. Who’s “word” from the Lord is the right word, etc? You might not have noticed, but most of the time that Paul does things on his travels, he says things like “I decided to go to…” or “I planned to…” There is no sense that he is “waiting” for the Holy Spirit to tell him what to do, nor does he tell us that he prayed and waited for “direction.” None of the other bible writers give indication that they heard “words” from the Lord either, especially not on mundane things like marriage, jobs, careers, etc. but only on things of theological significance such as Peter’s vision pertaining to the gentile church, or Paul’s roadside conversion. There are many false teachers out there teaching that God speaks in our ears, but I don’t find that as the norm in scripture at all. So how does the Holy Spirit speak to us? Through Gods Word, revealed in Scripture 🙂
You are seriously mistaken the universal message from God to prophets regarding all people (Israel, Christians) with the simple communication God had with all His men,women in their particular lives (Joshua told to not be afraid, Philip to talk to the ethiopian man, Peter and Cornelius, Paul on his road to Damascus etc etc etc I don’t have time, space to name all people who were speaking to Godin their particular private life besides ministry/prophecy.
The fact that Bible’s canon is done doesn’t mean God has withdrawn from the Universe and people He created, or that He became suddenly a silent Person having nothing to tell His children.
I guess some have a personal relationship with a living Divine triurne person and some know God only by the Book Scripture, like muslims know Allah from Coran.
and the next step is to say God is the same in all religions (Christianity makes no difference).
You’re Friend,
When The Lord speaks to you, I have found that He does not speak to your mind. But rather He speaks to your spirit person. We are made up of three (body, spirit, soul), just like God is made up of three (Father, Son and Holy Spirit). We were made in His image. I’m sure we all agree on that point. Now, in our Holy (alive) scripture, Jesus tells us that “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.” (John 10:27). There isn’t one bit of scripture that says God stopped speaking to Him children. Yet, this is being falsely preached to to congregations. What kind of Love will leave you hanging? It hurts Jesus’ heart to know that His own children believe He doesn’t care enough to talk to them. Don’t sell yourself so cheap! You are furiously LOVED, with a DEEP passion by Jesus, therefore, you are worth communicating with. If we only read the word for ourselves instead of making theology and ministers our Bible, all God’s children would know the truth. And that is, that He is ALIVE and that He speaks. Theology has warred against God’s magnificent True LOVE and supernatural power and authority for far to long. Love speaks.
Hei JenB
Not theology “has warred against God’s magnificent True LOVE and supernatural power and authority for far to long. ” BAD THEOLOGY, UNBIBLICAL THEOLOGY that is.
those 3 words,” for us today ” oh my-meaning that was for back then but for us today… nothing like changing things around
Genesis 24
And he said, “O Lord, God of my master Abraham, please grant me success today and show steadfast love to my master Abraham. 13 Behold, I am standing by the spring of water, and the daughters of the men of the city are coming out to draw water. 14 Let the young woman to whom I shall say, ‘Please let down your jar that I may drink,’ and who shall say, ‘Drink, and I will water your camels’—let her be the one whom you have appointed for your servant Isaac. By this I shall know that you have shown steadfast love to my master.”
15 Before he had finished speaking, behold, Rebekah, who was born to Bethuel the son of Milcah, the wife of Nahor, Abraham’s brother, came out with her water jar on her shoulder.
There are many, many OT teachings and inferences that are no longer required or needed for our walks with God. ‘Putting out a fleece’ for a spouse would fall in that catagory. Since Jesus’ crucifixion, the “Church” is required to build, grow…use its faith in all things. Without faith it is impossible to please God. Faith is our primary and most precious tool for our christian walks; we are completely bound to it. Relying on a fleece minimizes the use of faith.
Thankyou Daniel. That is the very chapter I went to. In verse 44 of that chapter-it says that the Lord ” appointed ” Rebekah for Issac. And as another reply said that God did not make several women and then told Adam to chose. This thinking that Mr. Thomas is putting forth is dangerous. It puts us in control and not God. The only thing that has kept me going all the years of hard times and since my husband passed away is that EVERYTHING in our life has been allowed, orchestrated , etc. by God for a reason out of His great love and if we are truly seeking God then we will turn to Him. And if you believe this about future spouses then the ” logical ” application would be in all areas of our life-not just mates;jobs, what house to buy, where to live,etc.where would it end?So ok God-this is what I ” believe ” I should do so please bless it and since I made the decision and was not ” coerced ” into it by you, then I have only myself to blame so I can’t be bitter to you for putting me into a horrible situation. There is something wrong with that scenario. Notice I said believe and not ” feel “.God gave us feelings but not to be completely guided by them-although I have been in some situations where i just had a ” gut ” feeling about it or about a person and I knew to follow that. I don’t know where Mr. Thomas gets the meaning of peace in Phil.4:7 . Strongs concordance says it is being at one, restful. We are not struggling with God but giving it and leaving it with Him
The Bible does not clearly state many of the most fundamental Biblical truths we Christians endorse. That God is triune is a perfect example. The Bible never uses the word “trinity”, but the triune nature of God is inferred and read out of Scripture. If you want to get rid of the idea that God has a special some one for one to marry “because it is not in the Bible”, bye bye trinity. On the other hand, there are many things clearly in the Bible (like Paul teaching slaves to submit to their masters through ought the New Testament with the exception of Philemon) which we have to some how explain, interpret and infer away. My point is simple: there are many biblical scenes and scriptures as well as theological perspectives and interpretations of the Bible which maintain that God’s sovereignty and provision extend to one’s spouse. For example. Bishop T.D. Jakes argues that is is possible for God to call one into a marriage and have that marriage be an utter failure because God used that failed marriage to get one into a certain place or become a certain person God needed one to become.
*throughout (I hate spelling errors)
*it is possible
Interesting read,but I believe that there is that one person for you,the one who is of the same rib (Genesis),I tend to think that God guided Adam to Eve otherwise He would have made eve,Stella and Rachel and let Adam choose.Correct me if am wrong but I believe there is that one person who is your soul mate as per God’s wish and it is up to us as believers to pray to Him for guidance to find the one
But what Scripture do you base this belief on? And how might you handle 1 Cor. 7:39, where Paul makes it our choice, Proverbs 31, where young men are advised to look at character, or the Matthew passage where Jesus says some “choose” to become eunuchs?
You highlighted some good points in this post. I found it helpful. Thanks for writing and sharing this.
I know for a fact that God gave me my wife and that He intended for us to marry. I didn’t just pick her out on my own – in fact, the girl I originally dated and day-dreamed of marrying would have been horrible for me. God literally manipulated circumstances to assure that I would no longer pursue the one girl and that I would pursue my wife. Almost thirty years later I am still convinced of the fact that God put us together, and there’s no way I could have done better on my own.
How would I know that I got the wife that God wants me to be with?
Hahah Gary. You telling people they didn’t get divine affirmation is telling people they can’t hear from God via prayer. People think they can because pastors say they can. The bible is full of stories of personal revelation of God’s will, not to mention God telling people to marry (Joseph, Hosea, etc.) It’s not that these people in unhappy marriages were being unwise and now they need to accept the consequences. People are very genuinely pursuing what they have been encouraged to seek. It’s not their fault that god doesn’t exist and their decisions should only be based in reason.
I have seen this many times — people feel God “told” them to marry a person and then they end up miserable. I think the key to this is discernment.
Christians can certainly get guidance from God in every area of their lives, and choosing a spouse is no exception.. but Christians in our modern day church seem to be lacking greatly in discernment. We worship wolves in the pulpit and we blindly sail into marriages with evil.
What is that Paul said about being as wise as serpents but as gentle as doves?;) If we accurately judged character (like David did with Abigail, or Boaz did with Ruth), we would probably more clearly see the right path.
That sounds really painful Grace, and kind of scary for me who desires to be loved very much by the man i will marry. I’m quite rational too because i fear mistakes especially where God’s will and plan are unclear. But for situations i feel certain that God led me to, its usually easier to fall back on Him and cry to Him. Some things are just hard to understand, and i have to admit i totally fail to understand sometimes, why He lets certain things happen. But i also know that He is faithful at ALL times.
I really pray that He alone sees you through this situation and that some day you will look back and praise Him for the strength and courage. You are strong, patient and loving, i admire that.
I know this is easier said than done, but trust Him and depend on Him for guidance.
Praying for you.
That is so encouraging, Gloria, thank you! I pray you will marry someone who will love you very much, a man of strong faith and good character – strong, loving, truthful, hard-working and humble. That’s how I pray for my sons to be.
I shall trust him and depend on him for guidance. I feel like Peter when Jesus asked the disciples if they were leaving too – ‘to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.’
I am expecting things to improve for me in this life (either my husband will change or we will separate), but even if not I can look forward to the next life.
I feel really blessed to have opened the link to Gary’s message………I find all that I have read very helpful. Before now, I believed that God spoke to me to marry my husband… I must say it was a choice I made and I probably made myself believe I heard God told me it was OK to go on! I dated my husband for 4 years and all those years I knew he didn’t have the kind of relationship I wanted him to have with God… I never the less went ahead with the marriage and got married last year October after living with him for over a year.. I assumed I knew all I needed to know about him and will no doubt cope with him and bring him closer to God…… He ( my husband) is a good man who is loving and caring, but it hurts to know that he apply’s the wisdom of the world whenever he’s faced with challenges.. When we have issues as a couple he rarely tries to apply biblical wisdom in resolving them! He is very good at using past mistakes as reference when we have a quarrel.. Every other day when we aren’t in a fight he is the best husband you would wanna have! But…..when he’s angry he hurts me emotionally and sometimes makes me feel less of who I am.. I have made a choice by choosing him as I love him dearly and I must live with that choice and give it whatever it takes ( with prayer and living an exemplary life in Christ) to see him walk with God!!!
I am sorry – you lived with him for a year before marriage? Is that biblical?
you accuse him to be worldly, how are you by sleeping and living with him without being married? What says Bible about that????
yes
how can you lead him to God, when you were fornicating with him? How can you talk about God’s will, when you were in sin with him? How can you expect him to change when you were living against the Word of God yourself?
Yourmedee, I have been reading everyones’ responses to this article (which I completely agree with is spot on, so thank you to Gary) but Yourmedee your particular response caught me because I related with that place you are in, just a couple of years ago. I too believe I chose a good man to marry, however he too made a lot of his decisions based on worldly view points. In my desperation to find our common ground with each other and reestablish the friendship that seemed to have been buried with hurtful words and action to each other, I ran across a book by Stormie Omartian, “The Power of the Praying Wife”. I’m very selective of what books or articles I read for life advice, because some can be very misleading, in fact, a word of wisdom my grandmother and my mother used to say was, “believe nothing of what you just hear, and very little of what you see.” Not to take that to the extreme, but the overall gest, is to use discernment with everything in life. So, anyways this book I chose to read, something about it spoke to my need at the time. I’m very thankful I took the time to read it! I will not say that book is what changed my marriage for the better, but the change in perspective that it provided was priceless. My husband and I are now back on track and have rekindled the friendship that started us, for over two years and going on our 24th year of marriage. We had a rough start but I stand by the decision I made almost 24 years ago, and am thankful that even though I was not really asking for God’s guidance then, He never left my side. My husband is not a man who goes to church or reads the Bible, but I know he has a private relationship with God, he does at least tell me that, and it shows in his everyday interactions with others as well as how much he strives to be a good husband and father to our now adult children ( whom we are very proud of). I however, do choose to go to church and read my Bible as often as I can. I believe that whether God brought us together or not is irrelevant now, we are and have been unified under Him and it is both of our responsibility to make things work and to serve each other selflessly/ therefore serving God. I recommend this book highly to you or anyone else who is still married and wants to live a fulfilling, joyful, and God blessed married life. May God be with you and your husband and guide you to true unconditional love.
The Power of the Praying Wife, by Stormie Omartian
This is a great article and a message that needs to be heard. Thank you for writing it!
This is so great Gary. I was sharing this same line of counsel with someone this morning. I just pointed them to this post since your thoughts are always clearer than my own. Grateful for you.
Thanks, John, but keep in mind–since this was on a touchy subject, I rewrote it about a dozen times over the course of 6 weeks. You don’t have that luxury as a counselor…
Great post on a touchy subject, Gary, since I’m sure many of your readers are struggling with wounds from unhappy marriages. Once again, I’m grateful for how you speak the truth with so much gentleness.
I have seen bitterness result from many situations where people felt they had God’s blessing but things eventually went south. (Marriages, businesses, career decisions, etc.) Regardless of the circumstances, I believe this to be one of satan’s greatest strategies: to tempt us to blame *God* for our disappointment. And how many opportunities there are to do so, since we were made for paradise and EVERYTHING in this fallen world is going to disappoint in some way! What a crafty adversary, to ruin the world with sin and then blame God for the mess!
Our response as mature Christians should be to avoid getting stuck on the Whys but to focus on the Hows. Here I am, God, in a less than spectacular marriage. How do you want me to respond? How can I make godly choices going forward? How do you want to use this situation to grow your character in me? How would you have me respond in love to my spouse? How might I need to protect myself? How can you be glorified through me?
A difficult and challenging situation to be in, but GOD IS FAITHFUL!!!
I officially make this an appendix to my post! Great, godly words! Thank you for sharing.
Wow what an excellent addition to Gary’s article, Sarah. This word you shared is EXACTLY wha tI needed to hear today.
This is beautiful and oh, so true! It’s not really about what has happened in the past, because we can’t change that. Its about how we respond now!
I actually found this article with an unrelated search “a Christian who doesn’t want to get married” and I found this article. But what you are saying is so true, I am about to finish my degree on a five year course that caused me depression and every year of it, ive been bitterly angry at the people and myself who went down this path because ” God told me too”. And dissapointed at God too because he “led” me here. And whats annnoying is that im still clinging on to “he lead me here”, yes I suffered but God totally wanted me to learn from it (rather than, I walked into a mess myself and chose to stay there)
My parents are big believers in asking pastors for guidance, so I believed heavily in this stuff too, the college I went to and the initial course I chose, I think the pastor said it would be fine to go that way… now im just sure he was using logical wisdom… but even when I didn’t do very well (by my standards) instead of my parents admitting that we could have been imagining Gods approval they said maybe I would have done even worse in another college.
And since last year I have become disillusioned. God speaks, and we can also speak for him and pretend it was his idea. Ive stopped trying to use tingly feelings as proof that the spirit is with me, and ive just began to admit to myself that I was speaking for God.
An example is when I decided to take anti depressant pills for this depression and I felt uneasy, so I prayed a little and said well if it wasnt in your will you’d tell me to not take this pill…then I felt a strong “leading” that God told me to take the pill… 15 days later I went to my doctor having experienced about 4 side effects and a liver enzyme count that had the doctor asking me if I had a history of hepatitis.
Then a few months later I read in my journal a dream I jotted down where I was told not to take any hallucinatory drugs but I woke up and thought “what a funny dream, its not like ill ever do cocaine or something”.
And yet when I was taking that drug I felt the leading to… its scary, how desire and what we want can make up approve our actions and pretend God is leading.
I will be graduating my course in may and I need to choose my career path. Yes… another chance for me to ask for Gods wisdom.
But im going to ask for wisdom and choose myself, I wont wait or proceed on a feeling. This waiting on feelings started when I wasnt sure of myself, when I knew what to do but didnt want to out of fear, for others waiting might be a trial from God, but for me it has been an excuse not to do anything.
When I wasn’t depressed and waiting from above, I grabbed opportunities and went for it (as long as it wasnt evil) and God blessed the works of my hands.
But I became that person who is always seeking wisdome from above hoping to hear… my child , this is definitely the way you should go” for me the desire to “wait” on God is a sign of my anxiety trying to choke me, because I use “waiting” as an excuse to “delay” doing anything.
Sometimes I also think we try and get “a word from the lord” so that we can have someone to blame for our choices.
Im wondering how I can come back to the healthy christian way of letting God speak, and going for opportunities? Someone made a comment above that the “feeling of peace” after making a decision that God agrees with is not biblical… which is actually, I just realised, true. ( So many of my assumptions about what the holy spirits presence is supposed to feel like or what it is like to walk in Gods will are being shattered ). On the other hand people also assuming if God “chooses” it means nothing will go wrong, which is not true I believe…as God is looking at the end of your journey as well.
I’ll just go ahead and make my choices using wisdom, it feels weird to say that , like im not trusting God, but I feel I trust God more when I just jump into things without a thousand prayers waiting for his voice in my ear. Its funny, I think things started going wrong when I started TRYING to “hear his voice” as opposed to let him just speak. hence why along the way I made up his answers.
Sorry for the rambling! Lol XD
Gary, I quite agree that I chose my husband. But I know that I was keen to make a wise choice, and not to marry anyone God didn’t want me to marry, so while we were going out together (I am British; I think you say ‘dating’) I asked God whether it was within his will for me to marry this man. I assumed it would only be within his will if we would be happy together and serving him together. I had a feeling of peace and blessing. I kept asking, hoping for something more definite. Each time I had the same feeling. Finally I heard ‘Yes’, but there was a wry feeling with it, which conveyed ‘but it won’t be like you think.’ I was so overjoyed to hear the ‘Yes’ that I didn’t ask him how it wouldn’t be like I thought. I didn’t even think of asking.
My husband has been emotionally abusive for 21 years. The marriage has brought me much pain and no blessing to mention except our children. It has hindered me from serving God in many ways. (He didn’t seem to want to serve God or even spend time with him, though he said he was Christian and appeared like one till we married.) I felt called to the ministry, and still do, but I haven’t been able to go forward with that: I think I would have had more chance of fulfilling God’s call on my life as a single person.
I have often wondered why God didn’t tell me, ‘It’s not within my will.’ I know I wouldn’t have married this man if he had said that. I am naturally cautious and felt marriage was a big risk.
Perhaps I should have asked him, ‘Would it be best if I marry him or if I don’t marry him?’ or, ‘Is it a good idea to marry him?’
I can only think that:
– God had purposes in letting me marry him that I don’t know about;
– the story isn’t over yet. My husband is showing signs of repentance and wanting to change his behaviour. He has done this before, though, and nothing changed then. Humanly speaking, our marriage has been dead for over a year and it seems impossible it could be resurrected. However, I feel God has told me I am free to leave but he would rather I persevered at this point. So I am persevering. I don’t know how it will end yet.
Even if it should end well, I wonder if it wouldn’t have been better for me to marry someone else or remain single?
I did try to think objectively about the wisdom of marrying him, too. I wasn’t familiar with the idea of character at that point. I wish I had been. But he appeared to be a committed Christian, to be a normal person and to really value me. I thought we were compatible and we would do marriage God’s way. Once we were married, it was like Jekyll left and Hyde appeared. He didn’t care what God thought: he lied to me, manipulated me and did his best to use and control me.
I choose to trust God in this. I know he loves me. I am still puzzled as to why he let me go ahead, though. Maybe one day I will understand why.
This deserves much more of a reply and much more pastoral care than I could possibly offer in a blog post reply, but let me deal with the last point you made–God lets us do many foolish and even sinful things. Is it His fault when we pay the price for those choices? You’re assuming that your “feelings” of God affirming the choice were valid, but what if Scripture tells us to apply wisdom instead of relying on mystical “confirmation?” Isn’t it possible that your hearing of God may not have been genuine? Having said this, your life situation deserves a much softer answer than what I can tap out on an IPad, so I hope you’ll get the pastoral care you need. It’s so frustratingly limited for me to respond to such hurt with just rational truth and principles, but that’s the limitations of blog discussions…. I feel like I need to apologize for engaging in debate when you deserve love and support–but I also want others, particularly singles, to take warning. I’ve seen so many Christians argue their way into an unwise marriage claiming Divine affirmation. In closing, let me completely affirm a different point you made–the story ISN’T over yet. I have seen God give many people blessed lives in the face of all kinds of disappointments–including marital disappointments
Thank you, Gary. I appreciate your concern. I don’t mind you engaging in debate with me now you have expressed it. I have often debated this with myself, so it’s nice to have someone else join in!
You say, ‘… what if Scripture tells us to apply wisdom instead of relying on mystical “confirmation”?’ But I did try to apply wisdom to the best of my ability at that time. I thought carefully. I wrote down my thoughts and thought more about them. I asked my then-boyfriend to work through a book for couples thinking about marriage with me (this was before we were engaged) and to do the study questions. There was no marriage preparation at our church at the time. (We even met through church.) I prayed. Maybe I asked the wrong question, but the thought behind the question ‘Is this within your will?’ was ‘Is this a good idea?’ I am sure the Lord knew that. I might even have prayed that: I can’t remember for sure.
It is possible that my hearing of God may not have been genuine. But I’m as sure as I am of anything that it was. I didn’t want to get into an unhappy marriage, and I thought he wouldn’t want me to either, so I really wanted to know what he said. I wanted to make a wise choice, and if God had told me, ‘This isn’t wise’, I wouldn’t have married.
I also prayed during courtship that if God didn’t want us together, the relationship would not work and we would break up, but that if he wanted us to marry, it would continue. I really didn’t want to be out of his will.
I didn’t think there was just one person for me, but I wanted to be in the centre of God’s will. I wanted to marry someone he approved of me marrying, someone who would not hinder any plans God had for me.
Also, while I wanted to hear ‘Yes, it’s OK with me’, I didn’t want that wry feeling that came with the Yes. I don’t think it is likely that I would have imagined that.
Don’t you think people hear from God at all? Is everything they think they hear ‘mystical’? If not, this might not have been. I think I have heard from God at other times. E g, when we had been trying for a second child for four years, I thought God told me, ‘You will have a baby.’ I dismissed it as wishful thinking at the time. But then my first child, then 5, told me he had heard God say, ‘You will have a baby.’ Six weeks later I found I was pregnant.
I make a habit of listening to God at the end of every prayer time. I’m also in a group at church that gets together to worship him and listen. I know I can get it wrong. I’ve been a Christian 25 years now, and when I married I was a much younger Christian. But looking back, I still think I heard him those times. I’ve wondered about this a lot and that’s what I still think. In a way it would be easier to think I was wrong and it was all my doing. Then I wouldn’t have to feel let down by God.
I wasn’t just wanting confirmation. I wanted to hear what he said, and I think he said, ‘OK, but it won’t be like you think.’ Fair enough, he did warn me and I didn’t pursue the matter and ask him more about it. But why the OK? That’s what puzzles me.
I don’t have the pastoral care I’d like, but I do have support. Will you pray for wisdom for me, in order to do what God wants me to do in this situation, and that his purposes will be fulfilled in my life and in my husband’s?
Thank you for your writing.
Bless you. And I do and will pray for God to guide you through this season. Yes, I believe in listening to God. I also believe that sometimes I’ve heard Him clearly and specifically (with no natural explanation possible but amazing coincidence). But other times, I was convinced I heard God and must have been mistaken. That’s why I’m suspicious of relying too much on this in regards to marriage.
Also to Gary-
You are absolutely correct about using wisdom rather than feeling….. Too bad wisdom comes only after being a bit of a fool first in most cases
I agree with the premise that “there is not that perfect ONE person for you.” out there to marry. However, I DO believe God can guide you as to whether you should marry someone or not. Why wouldn’t he? Why would he NOT try to stop his child from making a huge mistake or keep them from a blessing. ESPECIALLY if they are seeking HIM and want to do his WILL? The answer is simple…He does care….He instituted marriage and the word of God says He HATES divorce. Here’s the problem….we humans make many errors. Sometimes it’s in not being patient or not being in tuned with God’s voice or not bothering to ask or being blind to the person’s faults or wanting to marry to quickly or taking the wind blowing in the right direction as a “sign”. Well, you get the picture. AND, the other HUGE thing that no is mentioning is FREE WILL. We all have weaknesses…tendencies towards certain sins….we have childhood and adult experiences that can change us….disappointments that frustrate us (especially in a marriage situation)….the reasons (excuses?) go on and on.
I am in my second marriage. My first marriage ended in divorce even though I am convinced that God told me that was to be my husband. Do I blame God that it didn’t work out? NO WAY! I blame sinful nature….hello! It’s still around…alive and well but not making us too happy or content! Divorce occurs (as Jesus said) because of the hardness of our hearts. You could have married who you truly believed was the right person and maybe at that point in time…he was…maybe? But, everyday….you and your spouse make choices…decisions to work towards making the marriage relationship better or breaking it down. IT’S OUR CHOICES PEOPLE! All we can do is make the right decision at that particular time but it DOES NOT GUARANTEE that your spouse will not change….for better or for worse (that’s why it’s in the vows…duh!).
So…GOD gives you the choice to marry whom you will….you can choose wisely or not and with much prayer to GOD (or not). However, people change…once your married, God expects that you stay faithful, forgive, show all of those fruit of the Spirit just like He tells us to and how he shows to us. The problem is WE are not great at doing that and neither is our spouse…..but that is NOT God’s fault. The Bible is full of stories where God had ONE intention for someone’s life but THEY CHOSE another route. They were still called….still chosen….still loved but God had to work around their imperfections. David, Abraham, Jacob are ALL examples of this and there are more! So my “perfect” guy made some mistakes….I’m sure I did too but that doesn’t mean that God didn’t set out originally for us to work things out and to grow as a couple and grow in love. WE ARE THE ONES THAT MESSED UP!
The couples that survive are the ones that realize people mess up and continue to invest in their marriage. The couples who divorce are the ones that give up or are too hurt and broken by what the other did to continue to care and go on.
I HATE divorce ( I studied to be a marriage counselor) and the only reason I divorced was because after 3 yrs. of waiting for him to return, begging to go to counseling, forgiving multiple infidelities, physical/mental/emotional abuse….he chose to finally pay for the divorce because he got his girlfriend pregnant. I still told the judge I did not want the divorce but he granted it to my (now) ex-husband anyway. Despite this, I still believe I was in God’s will marrying him….he changed….he has free will…like we all do.
If anyone’s interested in what happened after that, I remained single for 13 years and prayerfully asked God to prevent me from ever marrying again until it was the one He knew would be the best choice for me. I dated….was proposed to seriously 3 times in those years and it was just in early 2013 that I married again for the second time at the age of 50 to someone I had known only for 7 months but I was older and wiser…asked the right questions and felt beyond a shadow of a doubt that I should marry him. Soon, we will have been wed 2 yrs. We are happy! We serve God and each other as best we can (and yes….there is room for improvement) but we both know that at any time either one of us can begin a path of destruction that could ruin what we have. It may sound like a cliche but it is true….”put GOD FIRST” and the road will be less bumpy. That’s all we can do….we pray our spouse agrees and holds our hand as we journey down that road together. I hope this gives a different insight on things. God Bless!
Waiting on God is the TOUGHEST thing and most people simply don’t want on God long enought. As they claim to wait they SET a time in their minds they expect God to act n bring that spouse. But God has His own timing which IS NOT yours. It’s usually longer, much longer. WHY? Coz He must re-calibrate, work on you you n sometimes the spouse He’s bringing you, so that you can both appreciate each other n God’s hand in it. First of all, you will have to present a list of character traits you want in your spouse, if your list isn’t good, maybe you emphasised on just the physical attributes, God will work on you until you revise that list and Love must be in there somewhere. You will get to a time that both you n God will be in agreement of what you want, unique physical and inner attributes, so when the answer comes, that is when your spouse appears, there is absolutely NO DOUBT in your mind, coz you will tick each point n MORE BONUS ones. It’s effortless n that’s an answered prayer! God provides but we don’t wait long enough. We SIMPLY don’t wait long enough. The accuser will discourage you day after day, you will feel stupid coz it takes time BUT …THOSE THAT WAIT ON THE LORD ARE NOT ASHAMED!!!
Grace,
I will only add one comment, that in continuing to evaluate my own situation (my wife left me and my 12yr old daughter 6 months ago and wants a divorce after almost 10yrs…oh, we adopted an older child), I have come to understand one of Jesus’ statements a little better. Matthew 7:15-20, Christ talks about knowing false prophets by their fruit. Maybe I am theologically wrong, but this could/should be used to discern believers among us (or those claiming to be) as well. A tree will bear either good fruit, bad fruit….or no fruit at all (at least for a season or until it is mature enough). So until you can see/taste the fruit, how can you know if it is good or bad?….you cannot. I think this applies to singles looking for “the one” especially. As a Christian single, serving as a teacher I met my future wife. I made some very fast and false assessments…not to mention was simply captured by her beauty and a little on the rebound. We dated for almost 17 months before being married (we were both 35yrs old, first marriage). I can see now that I equated her involvement in a ladies small group, attendance, praise/worship and fact her brother had been a missionary for almost 20 years….as spiritual maturity. Well, the fact is that ALL healthy trees…have green/healthy leaves, good roots, bark on the trunk and even sway back and forth when the wind blows. However, this is NOT fruit. I mistakenly…or blindly, saw her actions and words as her fruit. I am still not sure at this time if she has “bad fruit”(not a Believer) or just no fruit (spiritually immature). Let me be honest here….the Lord knows that even my own “good fruit” as mostly as a single and during the first year of my marriage.
So point being, singles…..please be sure to INSPECT THE FRUIT….closely. Not just look at the pretty leaves on the tree.
Now I am having to own/live with my own decision. Believe me, trying to know and figure out God’s Will at this juncture is MUCH more difficult than it was when I was single.
PS I agree with you about wanting singles to take warning. I hope they will ask God, ‘Is this a wise choice?’ not ‘Is this within your will?’
Having said that, when I’ve talked to other Christians about choosing a partner, or heard people talking in a group, most haven’t even prayed the second prayer. One even told me it wasn’t necessary. I seem to have tried much harder to apply wisdom and to discern God’s will than most people.
PPS I don’t think I needed to ‘argue my way into an unwise marriage claiming Divine affirmation.’ My friends and family all thought it was a great idea. It looked wise. I’m just cautious and think hard about any big decision. (It took me three years to get saved!)
Grace-
I am with an abuser too.
For almost ten years.
Of hell.
And I will say this. The heart can be deceptive. I believe this is in the bible but I can’t remember where. I see the way you write, and that you kept asking God if that was what he wanted for you. All I can say is that because you seem to have asked so much, part of you was not sure it was a good idea. I know this because I did the exact same thing.
You cannot be blamed however, nor should you blame yourself …. Because your intentions were good.
Having said that, God does not want us to be abused. I have had enough years of blaming myself and thinking I should do better or be more patient. But abusers do not change. And if they do, it is in God’s time for which you are not responsible. God does not condone abuse. You know he will not change.
I have decided to leave. But I am not in a financial position to do so just yet. I finally realized that he will have to deal with God on his own because it is really bad for me and my kids to stay.
If he is keeping you from your faith, God does not want this. I have never felt further.
My point is this: abusers never change because they like being the way they are. There is a book called “why does he do that?” I strongly recommend that you read it. I am warning you now that you will be pretty angry about one page in when you realize what you are married to is described on each page.
I know when I get us out it will be with eagle wings and it will be glorious and it will be freedom and fully sanctioned by God once all my ducks are in a row.
Perhaps you can pray for clarity and the option for escape.
God does not want his faithful to choose to sit in hellfire that is created by another. He gives us the power to stand up and walk with Him.
Don’t marry someone who does not love God, such can never love you.
It saddens me to read your post as NO child of God should be yoked or STAY with an abuser. That is absurd and so destructive. it is the WILL of God to be the abused in marriages, that is archaic, and any sane believer, leader, or teacher that tells you continue where there is physical harm for you or any offspring is NOT Biblical. Marriage is to be an expression of Christ and the church, and ABUSE is not that expression, period. Get out and to a place of safety and worry about provision once you are SAFE. There is help available. Do NOT stay for financial reasons, that is illogical. You bring NOTHING into the world, you take NOTHING out, you can accumulate the necessities if you get help. It might not be lavish, but it will be safe and you can build a life on not living in fear. You are TEACHING your kids to tolerate abuse, and that it is OK…STOP THAT. It is NEVER OK, have the courage to leave. Please, get out while you can, and STOP living in denial that it will improve, it RARELY does.
There’s one thing I believe about God putting the right people in our path to become friends first. Then the two work on a relationship and God wants us to give him glory and to live a life following God.? I also believe that God will make the marriage last if they both praise God and pray for each other and their marriage. I believe God wants all the glory for putting two people together as they grow as one toward him everyday in Jesus name amen. Richard Lawson
Grace,
Thank you for the courage to be so transparent. I am currently being courted by a gentleman who is really chivalrous, a great leader and will be a great provider (really high paying career). However he is not an “on fire” sold out Christian. He attends maybe every other week and realized only through our conversations that he needs to read the Bible daily. He tries to convince me that he is growing and that it will take time to match my fervor. However reading your post just confirms for me that I need to stay away. The line you wrote…”he appeared to be a committed Christian…then Jekyll and Hyde” really stuck with me. Guys (and gals) will play up aspects of their life for the potential love interest of the moment. After marriage the true person shows up. Anyway for what little it’s worth, you probably saved me a lifetime of hurt. Thank you Grace and I will be praying for you and your family. Blessings, Charlotte
Praying for you, Charlotte. Your words alone demonstrate you’d be a real “catch” for any guy, so I’m glad you’re being thoughtful about whose arms you’ll end up in for life.
Thank you, Charlotte. I prayed for you too, to have wisdom and make the best choice. I’m happy if what I wrote helped you.
Hello! I just wanted to add, in Scripture, Hosea commanded two people that I can remember off the top of my head to marry each other. Joseph, whose wife gave birth to Christ, and Hosea, whose wife was a whore. In neither case does Scripture say these people felt comfortable about the decision, but rather it was commanded them against their initial judgment. I think Gary makes a good point in this article, and we can often confuse our own judgment with that of God’s will.
With that said, God does walk with us. He strengthens us for trial, even that which we bring upon ourselves. If your husband is your cross, the only question is will you do as Christ did and walk it all the way. Sometimes, for me anyway, the only way to see these things is to see the cross and to remember where the cross leads. By picking it up and walking through hurt and pain, all the while being sanctified and perfected, refined in fire, if you will, we truly become followers of Christ, by walking with him in that defining moment. God bless you, however you proceed.
Hi, friend! I have seen a few people bring up Hosea and Homer . . . and Joseph is also a good example of a time, in history, where God commanded someone to marry for eternal purposes that affect every single one of us who read the Scripture for thousands of years after the Word was written. I think, in our effort to relate to biblical people who communicated with God in a unique way, we forget that these were isolated incidences that were to set the stage for all that we know now, as Christians. Hosea was demonstrating God’s love for an adulterous Israel . . . . and Joseph would raise Jesus, the Son of God. Now and then, God does something very big like this. But, most of us are (let’s face it) not fulfilling this kind of a purpose, although our purpose is just as great — to do justice, love mercy and walk humbly with our God. I, also, wouldn’t want to put God in a box (as Gary mentions), but I also want to recognize that God is not necessarily working this way, right now, because the Church is in a different stage . . . one of glorifying God and waiting for the return of Christ and being the Light of the World. We are not fulfilling biblical prophecies right now. Nor is any more Scripture being recorded. It isn’t that we’re not special to Christ . . . but we are not prophets.
*Gomer (lol!)
My own experience and observation has found that if you DID marry a Gomer (or a “Homer” for that matter!) that you believed God led you to or “told” you to marry….you might do yourself a BIG favor and evaluate your own dating history and/or family background. Most of the time (very true for me) we are still carrying unhealthy “needs” into our decision making….and this spouse we chose happens to “fit” that unhealthy need very nicely. In one of our therapy sessions we actually each completed a Family Inventory sheet that had us identify 5 positive and 5 negative traits of our father, mother and spouse. It was SHOCKING to find how our spouse actually matched up to those positive and negative traits. The psychological basis for this is simply comfort. We are drawn to that which WE KNOW. Man’s greatest fear is the UNKOWN….even if…or especially if that unknown happens to be healthy, nurturing love that we always dreamed about having one day.
I am trying to still figure out if I my “desire” to pursue/seek reconciliation with my wife (who left 6 months ago) is coming from my Biblical perspective and desire to be obedient (? like I really desire to always obey God on everything else he commands?…) or is it more about my own, still very messed up needs to be wanted/accepted?…by someone who has continually rejected me for 9+ years?…
Hello sweet Grace, may I gently and humble encourage you to remain faithful to what you have been called to do. You and I have been called to obedience. Not to marry any particular person or other, but whoever we choose to marry, we are to remain faithful to them. As Paul says in 1 Cor 7, we, as Christians, are not to divorce our spouses, but keep the vows we made to them. I know it is hard…it is hard for all of us in different ways, but faithfulness and obedience is what pleases the Lord. If you believe that God told you to marry your husband, He would not now be telling you the opposite. That is contrary to the nature of God. Even IF God never “told” you to marry him, he is still “the one” for you because you did marry him. Don’t rely on your “feelings” because they will often mislead you. Rely on what God’s word says, and obey it. Then you will be in God’s will, and blessings will follow (ie: your children :)). You didn’t marry the wrong person. Also, you mentioned that your marriage has hindered you from serving God in many ways, but I disagree. Your service to your husband and family are your primary service to God. If you are unhappy because you wanted to “serve” somewhere else outside the family, then perhaps your priorities are misguided. Are you serving your husband with your whole heart, or grudgingly because he won’t follow you into “ministry?” When you pray about your husband, do you complain about him to God, or do you thank Him for the man you have? I am not trying to sound harsh, but only to encourage you to be a Christian woman and do what God’s word says. I say this to myself as well as to you 🙂 I have also been married for 26 years and understand the struggles.
Waiting on God is the TOUGHEST thing and most people simply don’t want on God long enought. As they claim to wait they SET a time in their minds they expect God to act n bring that spouse. But God has His own timing which IS NOT yours. It’s usually longer, much longer. WHY? Coz He must re-calibrate, work on you you n sometimes the spouse He’s bringing you, so that you can both appreciate each other n God’s hand in it. First of all, you will have to present a list of character traits you want in your spouse, if your list isn’t good, maybe you emphasised on just the physical attributes, God will work on you until you revise that list and Love must be in there somewhere. You will get to a time that both you n God will be in agreement of what you want, unique physical and inner attributes, so when the answer comes, that is when your spouse appears, there is absolutely NO DOUBT in your mind, coz you will tick each point n MORE BONUS ones. It’s effortless n that’s an answered prayer! God provides but we don’t wait long enough. We SIMPLY don’t wait long enough. The accuser will discourage you day after day, you will feel stupid coz it takes time BUT …THOSE THAT WAIT ON THE LORD ARE NOT ASHAMED!!!
Grace,
Its been over a year since these comment were made. I hope this email finds you well. I read your reply and it hit me on so many different levels. I agree with Gary and the reason I do is because I sought an answer from God regarding the man I would marry. He answered me on most other things but why not this? I really wasn’t sure. Back then, I had a 45 min drive to work and I distinctly remember how I would ask over and over if this is the man for me as I prayed and worshiped ever day. I desired Gods will so much and didn’t want to step out of it but at the same time worldly things consumed me, like having children and moving into that next stage. I remember after about a year or two of this, I felt like God was leaving the choice up to me. So then I started wrestling with my own choice, and I can remember when I finally said, OK, I’m going to marry him and once that choice was made it was as if the fast forward button had been hit. I remember having this feeling like this was going to be the hardest thing ever but that it was bigger than me and there may have been a reason. More like, this is door #1 its going to be hard and filled with a lot of pain but also purpose and then there is door #2, its going to be easier and more normal but you’ll touch less people. These may have been my own thoughts or truth, who knows. I wrestled with the choice because he was very abusive from 3 months into the relationship . I saw every red flag and ignored it but I couldn’t let go of him. We broke up for a year when we were dating still about 4 years before we married and in that year my husband was saved. I saw God working on him and thought, see he gets better and better. Today, I’m 20 years into this relationship. I was physically and emotionally tormented by my husband throughout most of our marriage. Two years ago my children witnessed the physical and I said no more, get out. It was the happiest I had been in a long time. But I had no job and 3 boys to consider. At this point the physical abuse stopped which increased the emotional abuse. If you know anything about these kinds of relationships this is very common. I wasn’t scared of the outcome anymore. So now I was knocking loudly on Gods door regarding a divorce and for him to meet me financially and supply a job. He did all the above, I asked for a large sum of money so I could feel comfortable leaving and got a client who sold a house that paid me 20k commission, didn’t leave.. I said Lord, the money will run out, I needs a salary job and he gave me the most wonderful job that was actually my same job before the recession hit. Then I said God, I’m not making enough to cover the bills if I leave so my pay needs to increase and it did. At this point I saw no reconcile for me and my husband, I was so checked out, I hated him for what he had done to me. However, I began to see my own unforgivness and failings and so I am now seeking what’s best for all of us. After seeking the Lord, the church, friends, family, therapist, etc to see what they thought, which was interesting in itself, I’m left with this heart wrenching decision. I too feel a calling to ministry, always have and felt that my husband was limiting me. However, I just can’t bring myself to separate from him. This is common with battered women but after I took my control back from my husband a lot of shift s began to take place. Going back even before that, one new years, I set a resolution to stop being a victim even though I was still being battered. Looking back, that was so powerful because I had to take responsibility for my choices and stop blaming God or my husband for my unhappiness. I didn’t even mention the fact that before I married I read Bunny Wilson’s, Knight in Shining Armor, which is a good read for women who are wanting to be married. I devoted a period of 6 months to God. To date him exclusively, no other men. I expected God to show up and he did! That 6 months grew me leaps and bounds and I fell in love with my Savior in a very real way. Also found a lot of my gifts during this time. After the period is over though you ask for God to reveal your husband. My husband was right there when the period was over as well as another Godly man that I really wanted to be with named David. David sought after God as well, as I did and David didn’t feel that we were to be together. Looking back I can see where God was saying no to David but I never felt a no for my husband. I remember waking up from a dream one day where I was married to my husband, but at the time of the dream we were broken up. I sat straight up in bed after waking and said no way Lord, I’m not marrying him. It wasn’t God saying, marry him… maybe he was just showing me that I would. I still don’t know if I will pursue a divorce but you can see why I felt God was okay with me leaving him and even supplied what I need to do it. All except heart. Does wisdom say to leave? Maybe… I don’t know. But what I can tell you is there has been a major shift in our relationship. I begged God to fix him, fix us, fit me, anything just make it stop. At one point I was so depressed I thought I will just keep driving straight off this mountain or go under this water and not come up. I just needed the pain to stop. Once I stopped waiting for the miracle and did everything I could do to love and care for myself it was like something began to happen. As Christians we seem to take on this deny thyself attitude, which sometimes is necessary but without this experience I don’t believe I would have ever learned to love myself like I do today. I can hear Gods voice better than ever and I now feel equipped and ready to help others. I have learned so much about myself, my God and hurting people that I believe I wouldn’t have been able to in some nice cushy life. We can’t avoid painful things in life and there is a tremendous amount of blessing that comes when you can praise him in your suffering. I want to help save and rescue other women from making these same choices because I know it s not God perfect will to be in abusive relationships but the bigger problem that has to be addressed is our insecurities that kept us in that relationship. If we loved ourselves like God does, we would never allow someone to treat us like that. I pray that God would guide each and everyone of you into His perfect will for your life. God bless.
I read your posts and thank you for being transparent and so open about a painful experience. It seems like he was abusing you before you all got married, but i know when a woman is in love, its very difficult to walk away and start over. Thank God he gives grace and will work it for our good. I used to believe in “soulmates” or “the one”, but after searching the Bible for a more biblical foundation, it could not find one. This belief of being married to the one, only caused so much confusion in my life. Because its was taught that if you do not marry “the one”, you will not be happy. I have so many single friends waiting on the one, and they have been waiting for years now. So many suitable partners have passed by because we are so focus on being with the one perfect person. The teaching of a soul mate has destroyed so many marriages before they can even start because you began to develop this fantasy mindset that if God brought us together, we would be happy and won’t have too many problems. It alleviates one from the true reality of marriage and that is, marriage is work. Many leaders in the church do not empower people to become who they are in God and based off your purpose and destiny in God, you chose a partner who is suitable and fits God’s vision for your life. You said that you were called to ministry. I am too, and the first question i asked is, can he support my ministry. Can he cover me in prayer. Can he build me and cultivate me to become a better use for God. The person whom i am with now, does all of that, and it is so refreshing, but i had to learn it. I had to change my focus and my questions. I want to tell you thank you again. You truly have a ministy…
Grace, if you read this (I know this thread is a year old), I wanted you to know that I am in a very similar situation.
Let me say something a bit shocking. God led me into an abusive marriage. Not just allowed it, but actively led me there. Yes, He did. I do not say that lightly or casually. I have wrestled deeply with the Lord on this (and continue to do so, as my situation is not yet resolved). I have thought myself utterly crazy and doubted everything I thought the Lord was saying to me.
I have learned to distinguish the Lord’s voice and be fairly certain it is Him and not my own thoughts based on a few important criteria:
1. It is in line with Scripture and does not conflict with Scripture in any way.
2. It comes suddenly and unexpectedly, out of the blue. Not as the product of much rumination.
3. It goes against the direction in which I was currently heading and puts me on a different path, which is often opposed to my self-interest.
In my case, I had struggled as a single mom for years. The Lord finally brought me to a place where I had laid down the desire to be married. I had complete peace about being single forever. One night He spoke to me and asked me to pray for a husband for me and a father for my child. I was shocked. I told Him No! I said, I am content the way I am. He persisted, so I obeyed, and I know that the Holy Spirit prayed with me.
About 6 weeks later, I met the man who would become my husband. The Lord supernaturally opened doors for us to form a relationship in ways that I could not deny were from Him. Our relationship was a complete roller coaster. Many times I pulled away and was ready to be done. Always, the Lord gently nudged me not to slam the door, keep it open. I had no idea yet about the abuse that would come, but I was still deeply hurt because of my husband’s behaviour toward me. Were there red flags? Of course! Did I miss them? Yes! The Lord has revealed much to me about my behaviour in this relationship. It has been deeply humbling. One day, before we were married, I prayed to the Lord, “Ok God, I’m asking you for this man as my husband”. The Lord’s reply was unexpected and startling. He said, “Are you sure that’s what you want?” And revealed to me a few of his character flaws. Yes it was my choice to marry my husband. Absolutely 100%. And God warned me what I was getting into. Yet He also led me there.
A couple months later, when our relationship was at an all-time low and I was convinced it was over, the Lord spoke to me again and said to me, “Pray for him to commit to you.” It was not at all what I expected, but I prayed, and shortly thereafter, he did in fact commit to marry me. I had serious doubts about us getting married and brought it to the Lord. The Lord gave me complete peace about marrying my husband. Our wedding day was both blessed and filled with pain. I did not want to dance with my husband, I carried around so much hurt. Yet I knew that the Lord was with us and blessing us. I had been incredibly sick for weeks leading up to that day, but all that day I was filled with health and energy and a sense of God’s presence.
The abuse began almost immediately after the wedding. I have been separated from my husband for almost as long as we’ve been married. Yet I could never find my way to divorcing him, though many pushed me to do it. After a time, the Lord showed me how to stand for my marriage and to fast and pray for my husband’s salvation. I have endured deep suffering but I would give none of it back because I have learned to follow the Lord so closely and can truly say that I love Him with everything in me. I never would have got to this place if it wasn’t for these trials. I have seen miracles happen before my very eyes.
Why do we believe that the Lord would never lead us into an unhappy marriage? I don’t see many happy marriages in the bible. Abigail was married to Nabal, a man so wicked that no one could talk to him (1 Samuel 25:17). Yet look how the Lord used Abigail to rescue her household and prevent David from sinning, and then the Lord vindicated her and she became David’s wife when Nabal was struck dead by the Lord. Does not the Lord bring all kinds of suffering upon us, such as sickness and children dying etc?? In Luke 8, Jesus led the disciples into a storm that had them in “great danger” (v. 23). That’s right, they almost DIED. And why? So that He could display His power. That’s right. It is about HIM.
No, God does not like to see us suffering. He weeps with us. He is angry at those who commit grave injustices. But He does allow it, He wills it, and sometimes He even leads us right into the thick of it. He does not ask us to walk any road He Himself has not walked. Read what He did to His own Son: “Yet it was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer” (Isaiah 53:10). Whatever He does is always redemptive and He always brings us out the other side! And if we stick with Him, we will get to see His power displayed so that we may know that He is the Lord and that He may glorified. His purposes are SO much bigger than our little lives. He is weaving all of history together in a grand narrative that we cannot comprehend.
Perhaps God knew that this was the person I had to marry in order to become the holy woman of God that He intended me to be, like the oyster who is given sand and makes a pearl. And vice versa for my husband! God has His hand on this man’s life, and as a result he is the most miserable and tormented person I have ever met. I pray that he submits to the Lord soon, I don’t know how one person can go through so much pain.
I used godly wisdom in separating from my husband, and yet God revealed how much greater His wisdom is and how fallen is my own, even when I do my best to pray and seek His will. I will rely on my wisdom but always listen to the Lord when I am pretty sure it is Him speaking, even when it seems to make no sense. “But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.” -Job 23:10
Dear KC,
I am sorry for the things you’ve been through. But I consistently and persistently say that God cannot LEAD someone into an abusive marriage, simply because He wants that marriage to reveal nothing like abuse, instead He wants it to reveal His supernatural love and commitment and unity….etc.
First, I disagree with your criteria for discerning God’s voice. Yes, His voice is almost all the time surprising, out of the blue, but it does not come without man’s rumination. It is on the basis on this that God usually comes up and says something different. Otherwise, anyone could hear a voice saying “Do this or that” (marry a drug addict etc) and think it is God speaking. It is on your previous dialog and reasoning with Him that He steps in and changes direction or says something out of the blue.
Secondly, you said something that is key: to pray for his salvation. So he was not saved, a born again Christian, who showed by the fruits in his life that he was genuinely following God when you married him, nor does he now. How could God lead you to marry a non-believer when His word specifically tells you not to be yoked with a nonbeliever? – your own 1 criteria for discerning God is not true.
Yes, God has trials for our marriages and does not promise to give and lead us only into happy – like Holliwood happy – matrimonies. We do not know the circumstances in which Abigail married Nabal – we’re told only that they were married and he was a fool. And we certainly wouldn’t justify her being married to him only to save David from sinning – this is reversed reasoning to justify a wrong situation or decision.
It is true that God allows all sorts of suffering to show His power. However He cannot lead someone to marry an abuser who doesn’t know Him simply because of the way He designed marriage: a balanced yoke between a man of God and a woman of God, a committed partnership in all intimacy which reveals and grows His character (unconditional love, death of selfishness, sacrifice, etc). A God – ordained marriage, one that God specifically leads to, HAS to reveal the model He designed, and a marriage between a child of God and an abuser simply cannot do that.
I advise you to personally search for God and find your own salvation and spiritual birth. After that You will hear differently from God regarding everything in your life – including your marriage.
Blessings.
Hi Roxana,
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. You offer some good criticism of what I wrote and I agree with much of what you said. For example, you said “It is on your previous dialog and reasoning with Him that He steps in and changes direction or says something out of the blue.” I agree with this. I didn’t mean to suggest that there had been no previous dialogue with the Lord on the subject. What I intended to communicate was a distinction between my own anxious ruminations on a subject (which are self-focused) and the Lord’s leading.
I also agree with you that the Lord would not lead me into a marriage with an unbeliever as it would contradict His Word. My husband professes belief in Christ. He is certainly acting as an unbeliever and for all practical purposes, he is one (Matt 18:17). But I have reason to belief he is still a Christian and is being disciplined as a son (Heb 12:7-8). Yet I do believe his salvation is in jeopardy if he continues to refuse the Lord. That brings up all sorts of theological questions about a person’s losing their salvation, which I don’t have answers to.
I believe that the Lord has a purpose for my marriage. I believe that He is using our marriage to hold up a mirror to my husband and expose his deep dark character flaws in order to refine him and heal him. Though the circumstances make me doubt this often, I have also had numerous confirmation through Scripture, times of prayer and fasting, and other Christians who have also heard from the Lord.
The Lord is glorified when a Christian marriage reflects the union between Christ and the church in a pure and beautiful way, as He intended (Eph 5). But isn’t the Lord also glorified when, through agape love and His mighty power which raised Christ from the dead, He resurrects what appears to all to be a dead and lifeless marriage? Is this not also a picture of the gospel?
At the end of the day, all I have to hope in is the Lord. Sometimes I don’t understand Him, but I’m going to follow Him anyway. The last few years have brought about tremendous growth in my Christian walk and produced so much fruit it is evident to all who know me. The whole bible has come alive to me through the power of the Holy Spirit. I love Jesus more than ever and seek the Lord with all my heart. Would you really say that I am not saved?
Peace to you.
Dear one, you hang in there, I am speaking from experience. God is using this to change what is inside of you, and God is using this to change what is inside of your husband. Please ask God to unearth what is hidden underneath, and bring it to surface and then uncover it with His light. What you are dealing with is past trauma’s that are hidden away deep into the brain. They occur over and over and over again, (I know I have been there) and ask God to reveal to you your hidden lies that poke you every time your husband does something to poke them. Same for him as well, we actually went through this early in our marriage and I was healed quickly and it takes some a little or a lot longer than others. Let God change you and pray for God to use that change in you to witness to your husband in God’s great love and mercy.
Blessings to you dear – God is a God of reconciliation – don’t give up. Marriage is like the prophet Hosea and Gomer who was a harlot. God told him to marry her, and she left him over and over again, and God said take her back each time. That is what God does for us.
Blessings
Hmmm! This is a tough one, but Garry, how do we reconcile this with scripture readings that say ask, it shall be given to you, seek, you shall find, etc? if you ask God to give you a good wife, do you think he will not? and if its a matter of choice, doesn’t he guide our choice when we ask him to? when we say his will be done in our lives?
when you pray about someone you want to marry and you feel a sense of peace (which is associated with the presence and sanction of the Holy Spirit) and you go ahead to marry that person, does that mean God has not guided your decision and your choice? i believe that is what a lot of people mean when they say God asked them to marry someone.
i felt a sense of peace about my husband after prayer for a year into my marriage. he is human, he gets me mad sometimes but i still say God gave him to me; he is a gift from God. From your analysis, does that mean he is not? i believe God helps us choose spouses, God blesses us with good people, God gives us good spouses but when it turns bad, it is because we ourselves have failed to continue to avail ourselves for God to use us a blessing.
in the bible God chose spouses for people for the fulfillment of a certain purpose. if that is true does that mean he has stopped? can we no longer trust that aspect of his providence because today u bring to light the fact that he does not provide spouses…
It is entirely different when the person ignores all the red flag, and goes in.
The fact that God can lead two people to consider each other doesn’t negate the fact that He leaves the choice with you. Rather than praying, “Is this one I’m supposed to marry,” I believe it’s wiser and more biblical to pray, “Is this a wise choice?” The first prayer assumes there’s only one choice, and that’s without biblical support. Yes, Joseph was commanded to follow through with his engagement to Mary, but nowhere does the Bible present that as something we are to emulate–in fact, 1 Cor 7:39 makes marital choice explicitly a matter of preference. I believe in praying for God to provide a good spouse–but also in realizing it’s your choice to marry or not marry that spouse
This is such a great article. I was at a crossroads when my husband began courting me, between coming to terms with my singleness and being given the opportunity for reconciliation with a former partner, who I had been sure before he left me was husband material. I didn’t want to get suckered into another committed relationship that would fall apart. I prayed simple for clarity; for God to make the choice easy for me. Stay single? Let this man pursue me? Explore a friendship with my previous partner? I didn’t want to fumble around anymore on my own steam. I praise God every day for His provision of EXTREME clarity, which did not necessarily land me in a perfect life, but it DID place me in a position to care for my teenage stepdaughter in a way my husband simply cannot because he is not a female. 🙂 God is good! And His picture is so much bigger than ours. I find the idea of a “soulmate” to be very small and self serving… both principles seem contrary to the nature of God.
Hello Gary,
I just wanted to tell you that I agree with a lot of points you have made in your article. I have many questions regarding it but I’ll try to ask only a few. You might have seen similar questions being asked in the comment section so I apologise if I’m repeating the same thing. However, I would appreciate if you could answer them for these questions have been bothering me for quite some time now.
You said that it’s all up to us when we make the decision on who to marry. I definitely believe that there is no such thing as a ‘soulmate’ and that there could be a number of men who could make me happy. Also, there is no doubt that God gave us free will to exercise in every area of our lives. That being said, why couldn’t I use my free will to hand in the control over important decisions to God and ask him to give me the best possible solutions? He obviously knows what’s best for me so why can’t I ask of him to make the decision, like finding me a husband who could make me happy (I’m not talking about a soulmate, just a person who happens to show up at the right place and time) while possessing important personal qualities that are described in the Bible? What if I am very scared to make that decision on my own because I can’t trust myself? What I want and what I need do not necessarily always go together and sometimes I can’t see that on my own. I have been constantly praying for God to stop me from making decisions that won’t be right for me, even when I can’t see that. Unfortunately, I get the feeling after reading your article that doing this is not the right thing to do. Am I wrong in saying this?
I feel like God has protected me from some very bad decisions by not even giving me the chance to do anything, no matter how much I wanted to do it. I have seen some very, very bad relationships (including some of the relationships in my family) and I’ve developed a fear of entering a relationship. However, if I ask God to direct me to the right person (and again, by saying the ‘right’ person, I’m not referring to a soulmate but a person who will compliment me), wouldn’t he show me the person that is right for me?
I am just very confused on this topic due to many past experiences and I have been really looking for an answer.
You’re asking God to show you the “best” person to marry, but what if there isn’t a “best” but rather several options with varying strengths and weaknesses? Let’s say I’m at a Gelatto place and trying to decide to get a wild flavor, or vanilla, or a mixture–there isn’t necessarily a “right” choice. It’s a matter of preference. No man is perfect, so you get to pick what kinds of problems you’ll have as well as what strengths you’ll be blessed with. As a dad I wouldn’t tell my daughter, lemon is the right choice. She may not like lemon. Your life will matter most because of Romans 8:34 and Matthew 6;33. Marry a man who fears and loves God, check out his character, seek counsel, consider your preferences and of course, pray
Yes, God does much work on us in revelation for he seeks worshipers in the truth. Yet, the word given me in 1978 about meeting my potential spouse/husband by his mother, prevailed in August 2004!
By then, I was already married with two children, and it was about to all fall apart, which I did not know, and I will tell you truthfully I did not believe the uprising that HE told me was about to encamp against me on all sides! I thought I was at peace.
Even in times of safety and peace, the word and the spirit are not divorced for HE was doing something greater…… but it happened two years after he spoke it. It was not good because I realise now if I had walked away from my marriage in August 2004, my children and I would not have been tortured.
So now, in 2015, the man I was supposed to be ready to marry was retaliating at me because I wasn’t ready in 2006? But God is showing both of us now that at that time God said it, we lost out because I did not understand what it meant to be set free.
Waiting on God is the TOUGHEST thing and most people simply don’t want on God long enought. As they claim to wait they SET a time in their minds they expect God to act n bring that spouse. But God has His own timing which IS NOT yours. It’s usually longer, much longer. WHY? Coz He must re-calibrate, work on you you n sometimes the spouse He’s bringing you, so that you can both appreciate each other n God’s hand in it. First of all, you will have to present a list of character traits you want in your spouse, if your list isn’t good, maybe you emphasised on just the physical attributes, God will work on you until you revise that list and Love must be in there somewhere. You will get to a time that both you n God will be in agreement of what you want, unique physical and inner attributes, so when the answer comes, that is when your spouse appears, there is absolutely NO DOUBT in your mind, coz you will tick each point n MORE BONUS ones. It’s effortless n that’s an answered prayer! God provides but we don’t wait long enough. We SIMPLY don’t wait long enough. The accuser will discourage you day after day, you will feel stupid coz it takes time BUT …THOSE THAT WAIT ON THE LORD ARE NOT ASHAMED!!!
I’m blessed by ur comment. I agree with you!
The fact that you assume someone is not married simply because God is “recalibrating” them to get them to the pint where they can truly appreciate their future spouse is complete balderdash. Maybe in SOME cases that is partially true. But certainly not all. To suggest that somehow those who are married have reached some level of cognitive competence and have therefore “arrived” is ridiculous. My life does not begin with marriage, nor will it end with it. I have accomplished monumental things for God in my single years and been used of Him in ways I could not have been had I been married. He has allowed me both to be blessed & be a blessing through my unmarried years. And I wouldn’t trade them for anything!
And as for making a list?? Really. God doesn’t expect us to make a list of what we want in a spouse & then He’ll help us carefully hone it down to perfection. What the unmarried should be doing is serving God. We were ALL put on this earth for His pleasure; and maybe if more people actually tried to please Him then more people would be living righteous and holy lives and actually be available for faithful Christians to marry.
Forget wasting time on an attribute list. (To be honest I’d also be creeped out by a guy who made a list like this and then measured girls according to it!)
Serve God, decide & know what you believe. …Know what you stand for doctrine-wise, and don’t be swayed. And then be patient, but all while still busily serving the Lord. The Bible has far more to say on serving God then it does on marriage. Maybe we should take a hint from that….
Like anything else in the Christians life, the Bible is the key. God’s Word must ALWAYS be our authority.
(Also, the main article is a little off whack doctrinely, but….to each their own.
Really? I’ve been waiting for twenty. My childbearing years are almost gone. What do you suggest I do – wait another twenty for “perfection”? We place too much emphasis on “waiting”. If I want a job, God expects me to pray, trust Him and go out and do the work of finding one. God made us with a desire to be with someone for life. All this “waiting” actually means actively trusting God to help you make wise choices and putting yourself in a position to meeting someone. Stop over-spiritualizing things. I’m actively searching these days and have met a couple of potentials.
Amen! Genesis 24!!
Hi Lara, it is a good decision to commit your decision into God’s hands before you make them. We have His promises regarding this. Psalm 32:8,Jer. 33:3. He loves those who inquire of Him. David chose to inquire of the Lord in military matters, he never went wrong. But he didn’t in the areas of taking census or wives; he and his people got into trouble. The best example we have is our Lord Jesus who al2ays depended on the Father for every thing from choosing his disciples, even Judas, to working miracles and teaching Kingdom truths. He couldn’t do anything without the Father John5:30 are we not to follow His great example in all matters including the choice of a marriage partner? Shalom.
Thanks for this comment. I just looked up Ps 32:8 with NLT and was encouraged. Just that I’ve been asking according to Jer 33:3. But there seem to be silence. Scared of taking a step without him. He usually speaks.
Amen!!!
Ayotunde,
I really liked your answer (given to Laura). You brought out some nuggets of truth from the Bible and I feel like it is relevant to this conversation. Thank you for gleaning from the scriptures. Those are some practical examples of how various people in the Bible sought God and prayed before making decisions. I think this is very relevant and helpful. I appreciate your insight. Thank you for sharing with us.
Hi Lara,
I’m just a random Christian who stumbled upon this dialogue in search for some answers to questions of my own. I’m certainly no authority on the matter, but I did want to provide you with some encouragement.
I really appreciate your desire to surrender your will to God. It is the best thing. The man Christ Jesus could have found himself a wife during his earthly journey, but he chose to surrender to the Father’s Will. God had a plan for His life. He has a plan for our lives, too. Jesus, with his heart full of compassion, must have really wanted to use his power to heal every sick and afflicted person he saw, but he chose rather to go to whom He was sent. He knew the Father knows best. We must know that, too. To be able to say, “Lord, I don’t want what I want; I want what You want,” is definitely the desire of every Christian, because to be Christian is to be Christ-like, and this is the attitude Christ possesses.
Try not to be afraid of making decisions, though. Again, I am no guru, but what I’ve learned so far in this pilgrim journey is that God wants to train us to be able to make good and Godly decisions. My brother once put it to me like this: God is like the General of the Army; I’m a soldier. I try to do something, then anxiously look over my shoulder to ask the General, “Did I do that right?” No answer. He’s just watching me. He wants to see what kinds of decisions I’ll make before He steps in and gives me some feedback. It’s all part of the training.
I’ll say one more thing. My personal belief is that God gives some people VERY CLEAR direction on whom to marry, and gives others less direction. Of course, it is true that the choice does always rest with us. God won’t force anything on us; even when God hands something to us on a silver platter, we still have a choice: accept or reject. Pray. Ask God which kind of person you are. God will ask some to wait; God will ask some to make a move in faith. It’s best not to lean to our own tendencies, but be willing to do it whatever way God asks. He might have a very specific purpose for your life, in which case your spouse might need to be more deliberately chosen. Or, He might leave more up to you. Yes, I imagine that even with something as important as choosing a spouse, God may even leave that to you. But you won’t be without guidance, so don’t be afraid! God is more than capable of leading you, even through your own decisions, because it is not you that lives, but CHRIST IN YOU!
Keep trusting in God. By and by, everything will be made clear.
There are parts of scriptures that says: ” he heal them all…”
I think the main point here is that God will never override our ability to choose. God made Eve for Adam, but Adam also was not looking for a mate at the time. He was busy doing what God commanded Him to do so in that regard, God had to make someone for Him and then had to present her to him (also they were the only people on earth which was a unique situation all its own).
With Joseph and Mary let’s not forget that they were already betrothed. Betrothel in those days was not the same as engagement today. Within the eyes of the community Mary was already a wife to Joseph. God knew if Joseph left her, even secretly, it would result in many repercussions for Mary. Had Mary been engaged to Bob I believe God would have told Bob the same thing. Now would any other man be willing to stay by Mary’s side? I don’t know. That is where the wisdom of God comes into play. It doesn’t negate our ability to choose and even choosing what is considered wise is still our choice.
By the grace of God, I am getting married in 7 months. Now while my fiance and I did pray and seek wise counsel and consult the Lord, and while we both feel it is wise and pleasing to God for us to marry we also understand that this is our choice. Our marriage will only be as good as the choices we continue to make within it. This doesn’t mean God is any less apart of our relationship, but the success of our Union will be dictated upon the wise, godly choices we make within it.
Excellent Post LJ. Very sound theologically. We are not to look for a spouse, we are to remain single and follow the Lord, in fact he commands it. Over your life if you meet someone and you like each other and desire her alone..and don’t want to remain single, it’s ok you are free to marry. (provided she says yes =)) Be encouraged , you are approaching this the right way. I have been marred for 15 yrs this year. I married because I was looking for a wife and it became a disaster. She had a lot of issues I was unaware of and we both committed adultery. We are both repentant but what I am trying to say is that if we deliberately do things God’s way from the start (don’t seek a spouse) we are less likely to deviate later on when things get tough and our choices will be more Godly. Life is messy and both spouses need to stay right by the side of the other during it, So choose wisely. My wife and I learned the hard way. I wish you and your future bride the best
OK – what about the whole go forth and be fruitful? Whilst I am sure that God has prepared the single life for some of his children – I don’t believe this is His will for the vast majority of His children for the same reason the majority are not homosexual – He told us to go forth and be fruitful and we are not to do so outside the institution of marriage. This sounds like marriage is a major part of the journey for the majority of His children. The more children are born to believers, the more grace and holiness saturates our world, the coder we are to Thy Kingdom come…
Sorry but God said Man Shall Not Be Alone, meaning most humans are made with a Natural desire to be with someone. Paul spoke to the church about desiring marriage being ok, but to desire to live for God above anything else. Just because you and your ex wife sinned and the marriage fell apart doesn’t mean you were wrong for desiring marriage in the first place, you and her just made some decisions which happens in ALL marriages.
Nicely said
Actually its horrible. A good pastor once told me: “The church in America began to fail when we started breeding believers who would later be stolen by the temptations of the world instead of converting people from the world into the church.”
“Be fruitful and multiply” is an Old Testament commandment from an old Covenant God had with Adam and Eve. When Christ came everything before was fulfilled and we are now meant to be a spiritual people dying of ourselves and our own desires everyday so that people in the world will see our sacrifices and come to know Christ. Paul says: “If you are not married don’t seek to be married” and that unmarried people can have many more children and serve God more because they are not burdened by the needs of a spouse. People in the church who ignore these parts of scripture are acting selfishly and need to repent.
Paul said if your lusts can not be controlled, find a wife/husband. But this is not the church of the “perfect match”. That is the world speaking. If you get someone, it will be someone who challenges you and makes you grow in your faith. We are not like the world, we are spiritual creatures, not material ones. This article is spot-on. Stop making excuses and be a Christian or don’t. Stop giving the world reasons to say “You are no different and no better than any of us except that you are a hypocrite!”
True, it’s like everything in God’s Word. He te.ls us what to do to be obedient but it’s always our choice to obey or not. Abraham choose his sons wife by praying to God. That’s why I stand firm on WHO GOD HAS JOINED TOGETHER LET NO ONE SEPARATE. It’s sad but true, lots of marriages are formed out of list not love. And not many ask God to send them their spouse and first make sure to pray God send me a spouse that loves YOU more than me. It will stop a lot of heart ache and disappointment because if I truly love God MORE than everything else will have to fall into place because it’s ALL GENUINELY ABOUT GOD AND NOT FLESH.
Hey Gary! Good article! Didn’t get to read responses, some times, though, God WILL COMMAND us who to marry…just ask Hosea and Gomer. 🙂
Can I have faith in asking God to send me a beautiful white Caucasian the same as age as me with all the physical features I’m attracted too
Didn’t a young man in the bible ask his parents to go and talk to the parents of the young woman for their approval for the son to marry their daughter.
When God speaks re The Holy Spirit; should we not take that into account? For if he spoke that, and introduced the man and woman, and then; they will both find out that it becomes their choice. Into the future.
Hello Gary! I respect your point of views and find some learning and things to think about from them. However I am convinced that if you invite God in your decision making about a potential spouse, may it be the one, or multiple choice, he will guide and order your steps to the RIGHT choice. In regards to God giving us sole reign over choosing a spouse, what do you say to the book of Hosea? I believe in the Sovereignty of God and that all things are under God’s rule and control, and that nothing happens without His direction or permission. I believe he does, can and will continue to guide my heart toward a man of his choosing because his choosing is a desire of my heart. I pray for God’s Will in every desire and decision in my life and I trust that he did not exclude marriage. Love, peace and happiness to you and yours!
I have a hard time believing that God could not tell you who to marry or would not tell you who you should marry. Yes we do have a free choice to marry anyone as you have said, but considering how important God looks at marriage and how he tells you verse after verse to rely on him for everything it’s difficult to see that he wouldn’t tell you who to marry. That would go against everything he tells you to do in trusting him, plus considering the divorce rates in this country I would rather he tell you who to marry. For one good reason is he knows your heart and everything about you and the other person so you be a fool not to ask him.
So if you believe that God doesn’t have just one person for you to marry you must also believe that divorce is okay. Because when you were talking about the woman who was unhappy with her marriage you implied that she should leave her husband and essentially start over. This whole article is false and if you are actively teaching this to single people and couples then you have destroyed many marriages and have planted a seed in the head of the single people to believe that marriage might not be forever. If you have already gotten married whether it was the person God had intended for you to marry or not, the Bible does not condone divorcement so you should stay in that marriage and pray for each other. Marriage is hard and that is why God and prayer are such a vital part to a happy and Godly marriage.
Truth
Really? That’s what you got out of this article? The author is telling people to take responsibility for THEIR choices and use discernment when choosing a spouse. I don’t recall him saying that he told anyone to divorce but to understand that had they had spent more time looking at their spouse’s character rather than looking for a sign from God they wouldn’t be in the circumstance they were in. Marriage is hard but there are certain couples that have a smoother marriage than others and that’s not necessarily because of pre determined providence but because those people used Godly wisdom when CHOOSING their spouse whether than leaving it up to false determinism.
I think the reality is more complex than you suggest. I think that God originally intended for each one of us to have one specific partner in the garden of Eden. After all Eve was primarily created just so that Adam wouldn’t be alone and she was made to be a perfect companion for him. In the aftermath of the fall, we forfeit the gift of such perfect companionship along with paradise but I think the role of Eve as Adam’s helper remained.
I think the situation now is a combination of people who are just supposed to make a wise choice of spouse, people like Paul who are called to singleness and some people who are still only meant to marry a specific person. The difference is entirely dependent on the calling God has placed on their lives. For some people, all they need to fulfill their ministry is a godly spouse and various people in the world could be a suitable partner. Some people are better off fulfilling their ministry as single people like Paul, whom God permits to marry all the same. Finally, there are those who have a “one”. But I think in such cases, God has a very specific joint calling for them and their marriage is crucial to its fulfillment.
Whether God wants you to marry and the degree of specificity in your choices for a spouse if He does, are dependent on what task God has for a given man to accomplish. We all have different callings and we are all given different gifts. For some gifts various different helpers could assist the man to fulfill his call. For others, a man or woman can best fulfill their call as unmarried individuals. But still for others their task is so specific that they require that perfect (although fallen) companion they would have been with if man had not sinned. In this third case, the combination of gifts between the couple must be so specific and the call so unique that there is only one person in the world who would be a suitable partner for them, and any other partner would be disastrous. I’m sure you’ve met some men of God whom you knew had very special and unique assignments from God. It is a stretch to think that those people might need a very specific helper in order to effectively complete their assignment? The bigger the job God has for a man, the more specific God’s choice for his helper will be.
It’s interesting how you have tied up a number of theories for marriage. May I ask if they are from your life experience or from scripture or both?
Hello. You need to read Proverbs19:14. Houses and inheritance are from fathers but ONLY the Lord can give an understanding Wife. How you would say there’s no place in the scripture… Is staggering sir
What does that have to do with the belief that God has only given us ONE soul mate or spouse? Since understanding comes from Lord it should be assumed that an understanding wife is being led by the Lord. However, that verse is not at ALL implying that there’s only one woman out there that can be your wife! If you hang around Godly people you’ll run into SEVERAL wise and understanding women so your verse proves nothing of the maritial determinism and soul mate narrative that the author speaks of.
Thank you for your post and reply. So often, men use the excuse of God not telling them its ok to marry, and as a single woman, such a response can lead to resentment against God. I wish people would own up to their own choices, their own decision or indecision to marry or not to marry someone. It’s not good to use God as a scapegoat.
Bakhita, I’m wondering why you would say that a “feeling of peace” is “associated with the presence and sanction of the Holy Spirit?” Where does it say that in the Bible? Do you mean Phil 4:7? “the peace of God which passes all understanding will keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus?” That word “peace” means “to stop fighting and be reconciled,” not a “feeling” that “this is the right thing.” It is often misquoted and leads lots of people to make foolish choices.
yes agree
Waiting on God is the TOUGHEST thing and most people simply don’t want on God long enought. As they claim to wait they SET a time in their minds they expect God to act n bring that spouse. But God has His own timing which IS NOT yours. It’s usually longer, much longer. WHY? Coz He must re-calibrate, work on you you n sometimes the spouse He’s bringing you, so that you can both appreciate each other n God’s hand in it. First of all, you will have to present a list of character traits you want in your spouse, if your list isn’t good, maybe you emphasised on just the physical attributes, God will work on you until you revise that list and Love must be in there somewhere. You will get to a time that both you n God will be in agreement of what you want, unique physical and inner attributes, so when the answer comes, that is when your spouse appears, there is absolutely NO DOUBT in your mind, coz you will tick each point n MORE BONUS ones. It’s effortless n that’s an answered prayer! God provides but we don’t wait long enough. We SIMPLY don’t wait long enough. The accuser will discourage you day after day, you will feel stupid coz it takes time BUT …THOSE THAT WAIT ON THE LORD ARE NOT ASHAMED!!!
Right on, Aso!
Thanks…. 🙂 really good
I totally agree with you Bakhita.
I totally agree Bahia Fenuku. No harm intended Gary.Sirrh, honestly none intended. Luv u my brother.
Thank you so much for your comment Bhakita.I feel at peace with what you said it makes so much sense.
I’ve done just that for years. He sent me women, yes but not what I wanted. Then I realized that He was sending me women who would force me to learn to love others more just as much as the ministries did that He was having me do. Except when I deal with people in those ministries I can still go home and rest by myself. If I marry someone, I can’t. So I’m still single.
I BELIEVE If he listen to God he can and will guide you to your spouse he chose,for yoU. I also believe it takes both to listen to God. Satan destroys when he can. Putting God first is the key. But also God can choose are spouse but we as humans can go against God’s,Will and choose for our self we make choices cause of free Will but God can and Will chose our spouse if we ask him to and listen to what,he has to say
Yes Jesus says to ask and it will be given to us, to knock and the door will be opened! And when you have received, how do you eat of it.
Sorry, Lord Jesus Let Your Will Be Done! that’s how.
I agree. God uses all things to change and conform us to the likeness of Christ, and that means an inperfect husband or wife. I am praying for Gary, because he might want to read the Book of Hosea and how God told him, (a prophet of God) to married a harlot. Not only once, but Hosea took her back over and over and over and over and over again. So Gary, are you saying God is wrong in the marriage of Hosea? God wanted to demonstrate to us our unfaithfulness to Him and in this marriage between Hosea and Gomer, this is what God does, He shows us how faithful He is and how unfaithful we are. Before we open our mouths we need not take the place of God and judge another person or their marriage is or is not from God. Read Matthew 5:32 and Matthew 19 (entire chapter). I have just recently went through this and God showed me that we are married to Him, and HE does not let us go, and you can read Jeremiah 3:14 to name a few to read. The marriage is a representation of Jesus as husband and the bride is we the church. Now if you are considering marrying a non believer, the scripture makes it clear we should not do that, but if we have already then we are to stay married to them so that they may be won by who you are in Christ.
So Gary, let me encourage you and exhort you to read the scriptures a little closer and then you will see God can work through any marriage and He can also reconcile any marriage. God is a God of reconciliation. Amen!
God specifically told who I am supposed to marry before I even met the guy. I know exactly who he is. Now its just a matter of waiting on the Lords timing to get us both ready. So I’m praying, spiritually growing, obeying the Lord, and waiting. I believe God still chooses spouses. He has promised me mine. Do I understand why? Heck no. But that’s my God, always interesting in that way. 🙂
So we’ll put. I was thinking right along those lines. Before I got married (10 years ago tomorrow actually) I didn’t ask God if my fiancee was “the one”, I asked God if this marriage would be in His will. And I felt peace about it. It’s not been easy, of course, but I’m so happy and blessed we’ve made it.