When I had plantar fasciitis, the doctor brought healing through a brutal process using sound waves. It was much more painful than you might think. The idea was to reinjure that area of the foot so that it would heal and thus take away the injury. It worked. Family life can be like that–though there are many joys and wonders, sometimes we face more difficulties than we feel we can handle; not just in marriage, but also in parenting. Knowing that God uses these difficulties to shape us will help us navigate them more wisely.
I’m at a particularly painful part of writing my next book. The draft I sent to early readers was 85,000 words. The publisher would like me to cut it down to about 60,000. That means I’ve got to cut out some chapters and this is one of them. I really like it, but if something has to go, I think this one doesn’t move the main thesis forward strongly enough. It’s hard to cut, as it leans heavily on the thought of my mentor, Dr. J.I. Packer, who I love, but this is the tough reality of publishing today. My book Authentic Faith, which won the Gold Medallion, came in over 80,000 words. The original Sacred Marriage book was close to 100,000 words, though the revised edition was cut way back. Every year, publishers tend to want shorter books.
But I’m thankful I can post this chapter here, so at least some of you can read it. Blessings! And hey, just for fun, tell me in the comments, does a longer book make you less likely to want to read it? What do you think about the length of books and your own interaction with them?
My book Sacred Marriage deals honestly and forthrightly with the difficulties and challenges behind every marriage. Its publication predictably evoked some pushback, and while I freely admit difficulties can be overstated (and pastorally mismanaged if used to keep people in unsafe and abusive relationships), I’m not sure today’s church has ever fully dealt with Paul’s somewhat astonishing statement in 1 Corinthians 7:28: “But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.”
Paul’s pastoral heart is evident here. He sees married and family life as a difficult life, filled with many troubles. He wants believers in the Corinthian church to be deliberate and careful as they consider whether to marry and whom to marry. While getting married may alleviate some pressures, it opens the door to many others. When you add parenting into that mix, you walk into a house of troubles.
We will walk into our children’s sin and rebellion. Their vulnerability to disease and illness. Their need to be fed and clothed, which isn’t cheap. Their demands on our time and energy. Their claims on our ability to sleep or just plain have fun. We can’t not be passionately devoted to their welfare. All of this will feel brutal at times because we live and they live in a fallen, sinful world. We want the best for them, but they will sometimes experience the worst.
So why bother? Well, there are many rich moments. I love having had one intimate partner for life. Parenthood and grandparenthood have given me some of my favorite memories. I can hardly explain how it feels like a miracle when my 18-month-old grandson asks to hold my hand as we walk, or my three-year-old granddaughter asks me to trace my hand on a piece of cardboard and then trace her handprint inside mine. I’ll cherish that cardboard art forever.
But in Sacred Marriage I suggest something else that goes beyond all that: the difficulties and challenges of marriage and family life open the door to whole new realms of spiritual formation—being shaped into the image of Christ. We don’t easily surrender to gentleness, patience, kindness, love, forgiveness, compassion, courage, and other virtues. Marriage and parenting invite us to view these virtues as life-preservers in a sea of chaotic pain, disappointment, and disillusionment.
What I tell so many empty nesters these days is that this process doesn’t end when your children leave the home. In some ways, it’s emphasized and elevated! Parents who care feel the weight of their adult children’s decisions, for good or ill, for their entire lives. Feeling is the shadow that falls from caring.
But God is on the move. He is doing something tremendous in us during all this.
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