If I could go back to when I first started writing about marriage, one thing I’d emphasize is something I never even really considered back then. Perhaps because I was writing on marriage and felt like my reputation demanded it, I identified my character as a husband by my wife Lisa’s approval of what I was doing or saying. How could I deign to speak or write on marriage if my wife was displeased with me? And nothing made me happier or made me feel better than when somebody asked Lisa what it was like to be married to me and she said, “He really does live out what he teaches in his books. I couldn’t sit in the back and listen if he didn’t.” I certainly tried, with all my heart, to do that.
Because of Lisa’s character and godliness, I don’t believe I was manipulated by this posture, but I’ve witnessed in other marriages how wanting to always please your spouse and win their approval and agreement that you’re doing the right thing, or even just giving in to them, can be a dereliction of faith and a form of spiritual self-immolation. The dynamics in my own marriage kept me from fully recognizing how this can play out in other marriages, but a few decades in marriage ministry have convinced me of the danger of ever defining your “success” as a spouse by how your spouse would rate you. Certainly, our spouse’s concern is worth listening to, but it’s not the final answer. This more nuanced perspective came out a bit more in my book When to Walk Away and in a chapter of my new book, The Life You Were Reborn to Live.
Samson is a great case study to explore this. Because I’m using Samson as a biblical example, this will seem to be written more for men telling their wives no than vice versa, but it’s relevant on both sides. Years ago, I wrote a blog post praising Vashti’s “no.” (Call Your Daughter Vashti: A Biblical Case for Saying No to Your Spouse) So please don’t mistake this principle as only for men. It can definitely go both ways.
A Strong Weakling
Samson was strong and weak.
He could kill many men, but he couldn’t tell women “No” and it ended up ruining him.
Men, your biceps won’t define you if your libido undermines you. You’ll eventually be known for your weakness, not your strength.
Most of you know the story of Samson. He was born to Jewish parents and given over to a Nazirite vow, meaning he was dedicated to serving God. Nazirites abstained from alcohol and didn’t cut their hair. Samson was a man of tremendous physical strength, but that physical strength was undercut by severe internal weakness. If Samson fell in love (or lust), he dropped to the depths of the ocean floor, where the lack of oxygen must have messed with his brain.
Early in his life, a Philistine woman’s beauty overwhelmed him. He had to have her, even though she didn’t share his faith and was numbered among his nation’s oppressors. On his way to visit her, he literally tore apart a lion with his bare hands. Most of us have seen lions in cartoons or zoos. Fewer in the wild. When my son and I went on an African safari, we were struck by how enormous the males in the wild can grow. Lions have been domesticated in the average modern mind, almost as if they resemble slightly larger-than-normal cats. When you see a full-grown lion in the wild, the thought of tearing one apart with your bare hands is nearly impossible to imagine, like Danny DeVito taking out The Rock in a legitimate fight.
Unfortunately for him, Samson loved his intended bride more than she loved him. Her loyalty was to her people, the Philistines, not to her new husband. At his wedding feast, Samson makes a bet with some Philistines and stumps them with a riddle. Samson’s wife—never named—keeps badgering him for the answer because she wants to enrich her people and impoverish her husband. Think about that for a moment! Clearly, she is not as smitten with him as he is with her. She’s using him to please her countrymen.
At first, Samson tells her, “No.” She keeps crying for days on their honeymoon. “Do what I want or you won’t get what you want” is essentially what’s happening. Samson broke his parents’ hearts by marrying this woman. Samson no doubt angered his countrymen by joining himself to their oppressor nation. He had wrecked his reputation for her, and now she wants him to become indebted to her countrymen (by losing the bet).
She started begging and pleading on the fourth day, but Samson said, “No.”
She continued on the fifth day, only to get another “No” that persisted throughout the day.
On the sixth day, she was still crying and begging and pleading. Samson was wed to this beautiful woman but how beautiful is a woman whose face has been wrenched in tears for an entire week? As long as Samson kept saying “No,” her tears kept flowing.
Worn down, Samson finally said “Yes” and explained the riddle to his wife.
She immediately betrayed him.
Continue reading this blog over on Substack HERE.