Vashti saying “no” to her husband is one of the more spectacular displays of strength in all of Scripture. Doing so certainly reduced her comfort and life circumstances for a few decades but it also immortalized her character and strength for thousands of years.
Samson’s failure to say “No” to his spouse was his undoing. The strong man became weak because he wouldn’t stand up to his spouse.
We are called to love, serve and even sacrifice for our spouse. But the Bible never calls us to offer slavish devotion to any human, not even a spouse. Our marriage begins with the words “I do,” but as believers called to give our highest allegiance to God alone, we must have the character to sometimes say, “I won’t.” And the spouse who hears the word “No” must develop the grace and strength to receive it.
Vashti
Let’s set the scene: Xerxes (or Ahasuerus) ruled over 127 provinces from India to modern day Sudan. He had a lot of money and a lot of appetite and no one who valued their head ever told him no. He threw a feast for the men, lasting seven days, displaying garish and ostentatious wealth: linen hangings, marble pillars, “couches of gold and silver”—couches!—all sitting on a “pavement” with costly stones like mother-of-pearl.
The wine never stopped—each person got to keep drinking regardless of how drunk he was—splashed into gold goblets by willing servants. Each goblet was a work of art, crafted differently from all the others. The king’s character overflowed into his actions: “the royal wine was abundant, in keeping with the king’s liberality” (Esther 1:7). Some translate that last word as “generous,” but giving more wine to already drunk men is “generosity” of a curious sort.
The writer of Esther paints a ghastly portrait of a bunch of men who had been drinking for a full week (the women were at their own banquet with Vashti), and the guys are starting to get bored. At first, they welcomed the diversion and hilarity. But after nearly a week of that, your body starts to suffer the effects of too much (food and drink) and too little (exercise and productive work). The seventh day ushers in a lethargy that starts to become a drag, but who wants to end a party on a drag, with people eager to return home?
Not Xerxes!
He figures it’s time for a little sexual energy to rev things up.
It’s important to understand that the narrator’s tone in Esther is mocking. This is a particular piece of literature that isn’t prone to be didactic (a list of teaching points) but rather teaching by example, like a parable of sorts. He’s expecting the reader to understand that he isn’t celebrating Xerxes’ excesses and certainly isn’t praising a drunken and likely debauched feast. In no way is his intention to elevate such a king. On the contrary, he’s demonstrating what the Rolling Stones would sing about some four thousand years later: “I can’t get no satisfaction.” One day of drinking isn’t enough. Five isn’t enough. Even seven isn’t enough. There were almost certainly concubines being passed around, but after seven days, the men were growing tired of both wine and “common” women.
Xerxes was drunk. The Hebrew word translated “high spirits” (“King Xerxes was in high spirits from wine”) implies impaired judgment when that word is mixed with alcohol (see 1 Samuel 25:36).[1] And he’s been drunk for several days. You don’t make your best decisions when you’re drunk, and Xerxes decided to thrill the crowd at the expense of his wife. He decides to bring in the most beautiful woman in the land, his wife Queen Vashti. “He wanted the nobles and all the other men to gaze on her beauty, for she was a very beautiful woman.”[2]
It goes without saying that if a drunken despot is intending to brag to his friends about how beautiful his wife is, he’s not expecting her to stand on stage wearing sweatpants and a hoody. He wants them to see a lot of her. Maybe all of her.
Vashti knew the king, the court and the situation. So when the king’s eunuchs summon her to travel with them to be with the men, she knows it’s not to sing a song, recite a poem, or be serenaded by a troubadour. She knows what she’s being asked to do.
With an act of courage celebrated through the centuries, she says “No.”
As one old-time preacher put it, “Ahasuerus reigned despot over one hundred and twenty-seven provinces, from India’s coral strand to the golden mountains of Ethiopia. But over the soul of Vashti he exercised no dominion.”[i] Xerxes ruled a kingdom. He could force men to do what he wanted them to do. But he couldn’t control Vashti. He had bragged about her beauty to the other men (there were no televisions or magazines back them; many of the commoners had likely never seen her). He had promised a “generous” and ostentatious display, so all the men, nobles and commoners alike knew what he had asked Vashti to do, which means every man also knew Vashti said “No” to the king.
Vashti knew what her no meant. An angry drunken king might do more than remove her crown. He might remove her head. He might make her a slave girl. She was living in luxury as long as she was willing to “go along to get along.” But there was something she valued more than her comfort: her character, her integrity, her self-respect, even her reputation. If all the men knew why she had been summoned, all the women feasting with her knew as well.
Vashti wasn’t stupid. She knew that telling the king “No” meant that the wealth that once comforted her could be, and probably would be, turned against her.
Throughout the ages, women (and occasionally men) have faced the challenge of “going along to get along.” Some endure personal degradation because financial deprivation may seem worse to them. Vashti may have given up much comfort and luxury but she gained renown. “Vashti said ‘No’ and made herself immortal. If she had said ‘Yes,’ she never would have been heard of. Nor would Esther ever have been heard of. Parents call their fine daughters Esther. I wonder why they never call them Vashti.”[ii]
And that’s what women facing abusive marriages today must calculate. It is not for me to tell them to gather the courage. That’s not my place. The road may be hard, indeed, will be hard, regardless of what they choose. What is my place is to say the Bible here celebrates Vashti’s courageous refusal to her husband. “A ringing No saved Vashti from dishonor. She lost position, wealth, adulation, an easy berth in life, but she saved honor and character.”[iii]
A church that teaches that women must always say “Yes” is a church that doesn’t read the entire Bible. I’m not saying “no” is an easy word to use, in marriage or out. As a recovering people pleaser I’m the last person to condemn those who find it hard to employ that word. But there is only one being for whom a true believer must never say No to, and that is our Lord and King Jesus, our Creator God, our advocate the Holy Spirit.
If we, as husband or wife, hear our spouse say No, we have to be mature and confident enough to receive it. We’re not God. There are times spouses should say No to each other. We can and should graciously discuss what’s behind the No, but as believers we must not and cannot debate whether our spouse has the right to say No.
The wisdom of your No can’t be gauged by what follows. Vashti tumbled from wealth to banishment. Courage isn’t always celebrated with comfort or immediate acclaim. In fact, Vashti was reviled and excoriated by the leading men of her day: “Queen Vashti has done wrong, not only against the king but also against all the nobles and the peoples of all the provinces of King Xerxes.”[3] If not dealt with, she would ruin all of civilization!
Vashti ultimately won the day, however. The rulers’ worst fears were realized: “For the queen’s conduct will become known to all the women.” It not only became known to all women in the land at that time, but it has become known to all women of all time.
You may have heard a pastor preach a sermon on Vashti who missed the sarcasm inherent in the author’s voice. He may have even taken the nobles’ chastisement of Vashti’s refusal to let herself be stripped and exhibited to a bunch of drunken men as the voice of God. When you think saying “No” to a husband is always wrong you can be blinded by the obvious: would the God we know ever want a woman to do what Xerxes asked Vashti to do? No woman must say yes to being sexually exploited for the sake of her husband’s ego. Her husband had failed her. The authorities of her day failed her. But Vashti must not fail herself. She must stand up to the men who are laying down for the king.
The book of Esther celebrates women’s strength even as it reveals men in charge as often being arrogant buffoons. To be fair to men, Mordecai, Esther’s uncle, comes off as one of the truly great characters of the Bible. He looks after his niece as if she were his own daughter. He couldn’t stop her inscription into the king’s harem, but he stayed invested in her welfare. Later, he defends his people and looks after the poor. He’s definitely one of the good ones, so men, we’re not universally described as losers in Esther though women can find much truth and inspiration to empower them reading about courageous women who said No to unhealthy men.
The Price of No
Women, you may well have to pay a price for saying no to your husband. Vashti certainly did. Esther put her life on the line as well when she said No to Haman (not her husband, but a man in authority). For Esther, it turned out okay; better than she could have hoped. For Vashti, not so much. Just don’t forget that in your “No” you lay the groundwork for women who follow. Not one soul would remember Esther today if Vashti had said yes. We wouldn’t remember Vashti if Vashti had said “Yes.” If Vashti hadn’t said No and paid the price for doing so, Esther wouldn’t have had the opportunity to save her people from ruin.
Esther is an honest book. There are good men (Mordecai) and there are cruel men (Xerxes and Haman). And there are subservient men who try to control the most powerful men. What Esther teaches us today is to say “Yes” to the men (or women) with good counsel (in Esther’s case, Mordecai) and “No” to the people with evil intent. Because, in the end, you’re not saying “Yes” or “No” to a person as much as you are saying “Yes” or “No” to good or evil. That’s the takeaway!
If a spouse is encouraging you to do good, please say “Yes.” If he or she is degrading you or encouraging you to do evil, you have the full force of history and several passages in the Bible backing you up to say “No.” Your spouse is your brother or sister in Christ, but he or she is not your Christ.
[1] Bush, F. W. (1996). Ruth, Esther (Vol. 9, p. 349). Dallas: Word, Incorporated.
[2] Tyndale House Publishers. (2015). Holy Bible: New Living Translation (Es 1:11). Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers.
[3] The New International Version. (2011). (Es 1:16). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
[i] Clarence Macartney, The Way of a Man With a Maid (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1931, rep. 1974), pg. 88.
[ii] Macartney, pg. 91
[iii] Macartney, pg. 93.
Patricia (Trish) Snyder says
Thank you, Gary, for drawing attention to a bible character rarely talked about. Important for us women in the 21st century to model the importance of maintaining our dignity and value that God has ordained for us!
Anonymous says
Thank you so much for this teaching!!! This is the very first time that I have actually seen the book of Esther clearly. For decades I totally missed the sarcasm that you highlighted in chapter one. All my life, I have only ever heard Vasti characterized as the exact model of what a woman should NEVER be. Something in me relaxed and eased as I read this article. Thank you for shedding much-needed light on what for me has always been a tenuous discussion. KEEP WRITING. And May God bless you for it!
E.H. says
This is so good! I have internally felt this way about Vashti when reading or listening to the story of Esther. Being a woman of God I respect my body, my mind and my spirit and soul. They are precious to me. It’s a gift from God. Others may not understand or may not even care. It is our responsibility as people (women) of God to protect what God has allowed us to be stewards over. Saying “No” to unhealthy requests and unhealthy relationships is a must! Thank you for sharing in an eloquent way.
Kathryn Farrell says
Thanking you for these clear words on a topic that has been very misunderstood. Those who teach heavy wifely submission have felt Vashti to have failed the biblical standard.
I would like to suggest something regarding your last paragraph and this sentence. “If your spouse is encouraging you to do good, please say yes”. What may seem “good” to one spouse and to onlookers may actually be “evil” for the other spouse, ie, cause them harm. It may be a “good thing” but what if doing it demands they must function outside of their genuine limits/abilities? Things which only God and those who truly want to hear and know this person can see/understand. For eg, differences of “pace” or introversion/extroversion, or hidden health struggles (eg auto immune disorders).
My inability to say no to pushing myself past endurance, trying to be submissive when I was married to a fast-paced, driven church leader, led me into a decade-long breakdown, including PND, severe anxiety disorder, panic disorder and crashed digestive function. Nearly five years ago, after 21 years marriage (and six children), my husband left me, 18 months later married someone else (a very strong-minded woman). I am am still on my own, but have been slowly rebuilding my health and renewing my mind. If I had been strong and calm to know myself in the Lord and say a clear no when I needed to, things need not have gone that way. It has been a horrific journey but I have been held by the Lord. I’m so grateful for His stunning grace to let me be broken that He might teach me His ways…that I am now teaching my daughters. Gentleness AND true strength. Bless you in your ministry.
Kim says
Thank you so much for the word of challenge and encouragement!