Her Pleasure First

A healthy sex life is marked by the important theme of mutuality and reciprocity. One of the things Debra Fileta and I set out to do in Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life is to challenge the false and unhealthy notion that sex is primarily for the husband’s pleasure or release. You’ll see the theme of the priority of the wife’s pleasure highlighted throughout the book. In the opening chapter, I begin by showing how the Bible opens the Song of Songs with a delightful statement about sexual satisfaction for a woman, essentially saying that there is nothing else like it:

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—

for your love is more delightful than wine.

The wife says she wants her husband to keep kissing her because she has no higher pleasure in life. The Hebrew word describing the husband’s love is dod and refers to acts of lovemaking, not emotional feelings. She is explicitly saying that his oral and physical caresses are “more delightful than wine.”

To explain the astonishing power and revelation behind this assertion, let me ask you to go back three thousand years and try to imagine life for an ordinary Middle Eastern woman. There was no caramel macchiato in the morning; there wasn’t even a cup of Folger’s! There was no air conditioning in the desert at noon. There was no dark chocolate in the afternoon (it hadn’t been invented yet). And there was no Real Housewives of Jerusalem to relax to at night.

Virtually every luxury that modern women enjoy today was denied to a woman living back then, except for one:

Wine.

To an ancient woman who enjoyed precious little entertainment, there was no more celebrated pleasure than wine, except, apparently, for sex with a generous, creative, and thoughtful husband (of course, sex with a thoughtless, selfish and unfaithful husband would be the opposite).

A modern reader comes across “your kisses are better than wine” and isn’t stopped in her tracks because she has catalogues of pleasure to compare wine to. She might not even like wine. But three thousand years ago, this was a shocking comparison. 

So, the Bible’s book on marital sex begins with a woman confessing that one of her highest pleasures in life is being kissed all over by her husband. This not to say that this will be or should be true of you. You might be more into reading novels or playing an instrument or hiking in the mountains. But the significance here is that the Bible says sex isn’t just for the husband or even primarily for the husband. The first person pleased is the wife. The Bible celebrates and sanctifies the pleasure women get from sex.

“Jocelyn” didn’t realize this when she grew up. “When I was a teenager, you’d hear boys talking about masturbation and porn and wanting sexual stuff from girls, but my friends and I never talked about sex like that; it was a whole different level of interest, so I grew up thinking sex is for boys, not girls.”

Fifteen years of marriage have radically changed her mind. When sex lives begin to wane, she says, “What amazes me is how much the wives are missing out. How do you not want to have that release? It feels so good, you sleep better, and [it’s wonderful] the way it brings you closer to your husband that night and the very next day.”

Accordingly, she keeps reminding herself, “This is good, this is what the Lord wants for Danny and me.”

It needs to be pointed out that Jocelyn is married to a kind and unselfish husband. If you’re not feeling cherished outside the bedroom, it will crater the experience of sex inside the bedroom. “Good” sex doesn’t fix or serve a bad marriage. Getting to where Jocelyn is may require a long road of helping your husband cherish you in all the other ways first, and then, perhaps, you can sing the same chorus the wife in the Song of Songs did three thousand years ago, and Jocelyn does today. You wouldn’t be helped by reading a book about sex though—you’d want to address the other marital issues first.  

Coming back to our main point: husbands and wives knowing that God designed sex for the wife’s pleasure too won’t make everything better, but it’s the soil out of which a mutually pleasurable and more fulfilling love life can grow. It points the way to which we should be headed—mutual delight.

Later in the book, Debra Fileta adds this important and encouraging word to wives whose pleasure has been difficult to achieve:

I love Jocelyn’s attitude about sex with her husband. But as a licensed counselor I also know that reaching orgasm and engaging in a fulfilling sex life often takes much more understanding for a woman than it does for a man. I’ve worked with many women who struggle to enjoy the act of sex because their bodies aren’t letting them enjoy it. If you find yourself regularly experiencing pain during sex, an ongoing lack of sexual desire, or an inability to reach orgasm, there are often physiological issues as well as psychological issues that need to be understood and addressed. I … want you to see this…as an invitation of hope that it is possible for you to work toward a fulfilling sex life that is just as enjoyable for you as it is for your husband. I want to pause right here and promise you that we will address both the physiological and psychological barriers together in later chapters of this book. You don’t have to figure this out alone. We’re here to help you get there.

Prior to the wife doing her work, the husband needs to do his: living a life of mental faithfulness (no porn) and pursuing a cherishing relationship. For a wife to enjoy sex, she has to be able to trust her husband, know he is faithful to her, and feel safe in his arms. She shouldn’t and can’t feel safe if he isn’t being faithful or kind.

In a subsequent chapter called “What Gets Her Going”, Debra spends a significant amount of time teaching husbands what it looks like to focus on their wife’s pleasure, above their own.  We feel this subject is so very important and wanted it to be woven throughout the book. Here’s just some of what we say about the wife’s pleasure (we say more than this, actually, but this is a sample):

• “The best sex will happen when your wife is convinced that you are far more concerned about her comfort and pleasure than you are about your own release. A little sensitivity here can go a long way toward making your wife feel cherished.”

• “For a husband, his wife’s pleasure is his pleasure. Nothing will ‘get him going’ more than when his wife thoroughly enjoys the act of making love. Some women may have to ‘school’ their husbands a little bit in the early days, helping him understand her body, but her moans, squeals and orgasms will get him more excited than any sexual ‘trick,’ move, or position ever will.”

• “Just keep this in mind: if your husband is spiritually and relationally healthy, he gets more pleasure from your pleasure than he does from his own…”

• “Your wife needs to know she has the freedom to take as long as she wants, and that your ultimate goal and desire is to pleasure her. When you communicate that to your wife, you’ll be amazed at how that simple act can help your wife relax and get her going. You can take initiative for creating this environment by saying things like this:
• I want you to take your time and enjoy this.
• I just want to pleasure you right now.
• Does this feel good for you?
• What would feel the best for you right now?
• What turns you on?
• How do you want me to touch you?
• Don’t feel rushed, just enjoy it.

• “One woman told me [Debra] that the best orgasm she ever had came when her husband was able to assure her that she was his priority… When her husband was able to assure her that the only thing that mattered was her feeling good she was able to really let go and enjoy, and all it took was reassurance, patience, and the clear communication that her pleasure was his priority. He played a primary role in taking the pressure off of her, and in turn, she was able to enjoy sex more than she ever had before.”

• “Men, if you really want to get her going, it’s important to assure her time and time again that you are available and willing to give her what she needs, when she needs it, however long it takes her to get there. Don’t give up, don’t doze off, and don’t lose interest… Remind her that you are there for her and adjust your attitude to remember that you’re in this together. Because you are. Her pleasure impacts your pleasure. Wives who always or almost always have an orgasm are naturally going to be more interested in sex more often. It’s just human nature.”

• “Learn to see sex as an act of receiving, not just an act of giving. It’s important to remember this: sex is for YOU, too. I [Debra] understand the perspective of the tired wife and mom who has no energy left for sex. But I believe it’s a perspective that can absolutely rob you of the joy, pleasure, and intimacy of sex because it puts sex in the category of ‘more giving’ without seeing sex as an opportunity for receiving.  When you go into the experience with the thought that, ‘this is for me, because I want to feel good at the end of the day’, it changes your perspective about sex. Sex is just as much for you as it is for your spouse. You get the chance to take a moment to feel the pleasure of arousal.”

• “Sex is God’s gift to you at the end (or beginning) of a long, demanding day as a way to fill you with pleasure, connection, and emotional intimacy. Not only that, but the chemicals that are released in your body during sex actually help you fight off negative emotions and have tremendous benefits to your physical body as well. When you can connect with your spouse and reach orgasm, your body and mind benefits in so many ways including decreased stress levels, increased oxytocin (the ‘bonding chemical’), decreased blood pressure, and an increased sense of intimacy between you and your spouse. Dr. Daniel Amen has even found that sexual health, enjoyment, and frequency prolongs life! You can go to bed feeling fulfilled and relaxed. It’s an opportunity to replenish and recharge, but it requires you to shift your perspective and see it as an opportunity to receive just as much as a chance to give.”

• “But for the mainstay of your sexual relationship, seek to find mutually enjoyable pleasures.”

• “[Women,], the next time you’re in bed with your spouse, without judgment, think about what works for you. Think about what feels good and what doesn’t. Move toward the good and don’t berate yourself if something doesn’t feel good. In a healthy marriage, if a wife stopped and said, “hey, let’s try this,” excitement increases for the husband, because he knows his wife wants to feel good.”

• “[Women], think about your pleasure. Enjoy the pleasure. Breathe deeply and thank God for the pleasure. And then, thank your spouse for the pleasure. Rest in what it feels like so you’ll look forward to returning to it again and again and again…”

• “Positions are a part of sexual pleasure, but not the entire meal. Some women may rarely climax in any sexual position. Some positions will be more pleasurable to her than others, but it’s perfectly acceptable for the wife to ‘finish’ either before or after intercourse takes place. We hope by now readers will understand how important the wife’s orgasm is, and that if she can’t have one while the husband is inside her, the couple will find other ways to bring her to orgasm either before or after.”

• “Is your attitude in the bedroom motivated by a sincere desire for your spouse’s pleasure?”

• “God designed wives’ bodies in such a way that their pleasure can be greater for longer, and more frequently, than it is for their husband. This excites me as a husband; it’s not a burden! The physiological mechanics of sex mean that wives can increase their pleasure by remembering what we said earlier: ‘my pleasure increases his pleasure.’ And husbands can prolong their pleasure by remembering ‘her pleasure increases my pleasure.’ Wives, be at peace! Sex seems designed to give husbands more pleasure when they give than when they receive.  It’s atrocious when sex books act as if the husband ‘needs’ sex and the wife ‘needs’ to serve. Actually, the husband needs to serve. And when he does that, he is served. Only God could come up with something so brilliant.”

We wrote this book to serve couples, and that means men and women. And in the Bible’s priority (as evidenced in the Song of Songs), the woman’s pleasure actually comes first. By the way, husbands — you’re especially going to want to read Debra’s chapter entitled “What Gets Her Going.” Debra helps men understand not just the importance of the wife’s pleasure, but how to help make it happen (with admittedly, some rather explicit but very helpful suggestions).

Our desire and intent was to create a book that couples could read together, and afterwards, wives would feel heard and understood, and men would feel heard and understood. We didn’t want to create a book that negated one to elevate the other, or attacked one to protect the other. So Married Sex emphasizes a woman’s pleasure, just as the Song of Songs does, but yes, there’s plenty in there for men, too. While this blog post gives you just a taste, we encourage you to read the entire book to see for yourself.

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