When Lisa and I stay in a hotel room together, she likes me to lock the metal bar on top. Even if someone could get the door opened, they would be stopped by the metal bar. The extra security device makes her feel safe. I’m much laxer about sliding the bar over when I’m alone, but when we’re together, I do my best to remember it.
I had one of those (I believe) God moments a few months ago when, after sliding the metal bar over, I realized how what could signal safety to Lisa could signal terror to wives in abusive relationships. The thought of being in a locked room, with a metal bar keeping anybody from getting in, could be a threat if they thought their husband might do them harm.
It was chilling to realize on a spiritual level that the very thing that provides a sense of safety in one relationship could create panic in another one.
Two good reminders came out of this God moment:
There’s not one piece of advice that works for all marriages. Sage advice for one marriage (“Make your wife feel safe; double lock the hotel room door”) could be used as an act of terror in a different marriage (“Now you have to do what I want you to do because no one can get in to stop me”). Those of us who write and speak on marriage, or who want to support our friends, should constantly keep this in mind. It should humble us and inform our writing.
Second, we need to double down on compassion for those whose marriages are destroying them. Just when some spouses need compassion—what is being done to you is awful, it dishonors God and who you are, and we want to support you—we hit them with a twisted sense of conviction, as if there is something wrong with someone who just wants to feel safe. Just stop for a moment and ask yourself: how would it feel for you to be locked, with a metal bar, inside a room with someone who you think might do you harm, or who gets a twisted sense of pleasure from causing you harm, or by making you afraid, or by emotionally taunting you?
Jesus said what he said about divorce to protect first century women from financial and social ruin, not to imprison twenty-first century women in abusive relationships.
The chill I felt when I believe God spoke to me was a good reminder: as much as I am dedicated to helping all of us who stumble in many ways (James 3:2) learn to forgive each other, demonstrate grace and kindness, and grow together toward greater Christlikeness, we mustn’t forget those who aren’t just facing the normal difficulties of marriage, but an abusive marriage. God has a very different word for them, and in many cases that word is run.
(If you believe you may be in such a situation, I recommend individual—not couple’s—counseling with a licensed counselor; preferably, one who has experience helping women pursue a safe separation.)
Becky Doescher says
As I read this my chest tightened with memories of being “locked” inside a room (he, who was much stronger than I, would stand and block the exit), then verbally assault me for hours. God allowed me to be released from this abusive marriage when my husband walked out to go to another woman’s home. It’s been twenty years now and most reactive responses have faded. Thank God. I can now empathize with someone without having a panic attack myself. I am so grateful that you are able to bring to the light what a lot of us have had to deal with in the dark. May God continue to bless your ministry.
Karen says
Thank you. That is a much needed word in the Church today.
Anonymous says
Well said.
Laura Bennet says
Thank you so much for this post! As a wife who was previously in an abusive situation, advice from well-meaning pastors was usually in the form of my learning to be more submissive. True and right advice, depending on what their view of submission is, but in an abusive situation, it can be deadly. It was for me emotionally if not physically. I’m so grateful that my husband now would never think of threatening me, and I am safe with him, but the past trauma still triggers situations of panic in me (not his fault!) on occasion that Jesus is still healing. I believe that was a God-given revelation. I appreciate that your heart is open to that reality and you’re willing to say it and stand by it. We’ve learned from your books in a marriage small group. Thank you.
K Etienne says
Thanks for the confirmation Gary. God allowed me to escape an abusive marriage of 20 years. It’s awesome to see that He is using you to help those that are trapped to be set free. Keep up the great work!
Joe Brandon says
I hope you feel the same for males stuck in abusive relationships. There is even less support.
Designated says
Thank you…
Real moments…
💜💜💜💜💜->♡♡♡♡♡
Deb Messer says
Excellent post! I believe your heart being open to the still, small voice of God through His Holy Spirit is why your books resonate with Spirit-filled believers. Sacred Marriage is the only Christian book about marriage that I feel really good recommending to others. Keep up the good work, Gary. I appreciate you!
Gary Thomas says
Thank you Deb!