It’s not uncommon for me to hear guys say, “I wish my wife would be more adventurous in the bedroom.” The way this is phrased, it makes the wife seem timid—a character weakness—rather than making the husband sound aggressive. The reason I rephrase it this way is that when you ask what the husband wants his wife to be more “adventurous” about, it usually presents a much greater risk to her than it does to him.
For example: in oral sex, there is the potential for a wife to have a consequence that a male performing oral sex on a woman will never face. Now, some women don’t mind that consequence at all. But there can be a consequence, a risk, if you will, that a husband won’t face. So it’s not a fair comparison to say, “I’ll do it to you, why won’t you do it to me?”
The same is even more true when it comes to anal sex. Many doctors warn that this act can physically harm a woman’s body. Let’s be clear: by all accounts this act goes beyond the design of a woman’s body and thus necessarily raises the potential for harm. There’s almost no chance the husband will be harmed, but his wife might be, even if they are careful. All of which makes me think that, again, “adventurous” is a skewed and unfair word.
Let me put it this way: what if I said to you, “Let’s be adventurous. I’m going to shoot an apple off your head with a bow and arrow.” That’s adventurous alright, but you’re the only one assuming the risk.
I could go on: in outdoor sex, there’s a huge difference between getting sand on your body (men) and potentially in your body (women). Or the possibility of being seen—for a whole host of understandable and legitimate reasons, women naturally have more concern about this. If a guy is seen in public 99% of the population will go “Ewwww, put your pants on.” A woman being undressed in public feels a whole different kind of vulnerable that not only isn’t irrational, it’s prudent and wise.
Or when a husband wants his wife to dress in public in a way that makes her feel uncomfortable—she’s the one who will be seen in public, she’s the one whose character might be judged, she’s the one who will have to deal with the gaze of other men. Men, your wife likely has a history that you know nothing about—being whistled at, “accidentally” being grabbed or groped in public, hearing lewd comments, etc. Her brain can’t turn off the fear of what she’s experienced in the past even if she wants to please you in the future.
This is why I urge couples to make “cherish” the lens through which they express sexual desire. When I use sex to cherish my wife—as opposed to using my wife to cherish sex—the end goal impacts the means. The goal isn’t simply my excitement or fulfillment—it’s for my wife to feel desired, honored, cherished, adored, and satisfied. That impacts what I ask of her, how I ask it of her, and the way I want her to feel as we grow in our sexual intimacy.
I’m not trying to be a killjoy telling men we should just be satisfied with missionary position sex. There are mountain ranges of possibilities for sexual excitement and fulfillment between missionary sex and putting your wife’s body or soul at risk. And listen—if a wife doesn’t feel vulnerable doing anything I’ve mentioned above (many don’t), none of these objections are relevant. I’m not saying you’re wrong for desiring something; I’m saying, have empathy for your wife when you ask her to do something for which the risk is immeasurably higher for her than it is for you. It’s not honest to make it sound like our wives are not courageous when we’re acting aggressively and perhaps even thoughtlessly. Certainly, “adventurous” isn’t a fair characterization.
Let me also add: Debra and I heard testimony after testimony of wives who found themselves doing things in marriage they’d never imagined doing before they got married and now not only feel closer to their husbands, but even closer to God as a result. They’ve experienced new freedom, joy, and their own pleasure. But husbands, listen: this kind of attitude was born out of experiencing a sense of safety, security, trust and pleasure with their husbands—never out of being assaulted with fear, intimidation or guilt.
Creating this understanding dynamic between husband and wife was both my and Debra’s goal in co-writing Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life and sponsoring the upcoming Married Sex Online Conference. We want wives to feel heard and husbands to feel heard. So many books, written by men, dismiss or don’t even take into account a woman’s perspective, desires, fears, and concerns. But also, some books seem to fault men for merely being men, not taking into account that men have different brains than women do and thus approach sexuality differently. Being different in the way we approach and desire sex doesn’t mean we’re inferior or sinful—it just means both husbands and wives need to grow in empathy and understanding in order to have a flourishing relationship in the bedroom. There can be a tendency on the part of some spouses to suggest, “If it doesn’t sound fun to me, it must be immoral.” That’s not fair either.
For this week, I’d like to offer a homework exercise for husbands and wives. In this instance, I want men to grow in empathy toward their wives, especially if they’ve been the ones pushing the envelope in a way that hasn’t been helpful. Men, ask your wives these questions:
- “What risks do you feel in sex that I might not know about?”
- “Have I ever acted thoughtlessly in pressuring you into something without considering the different level of vulnerability we face?”
- “How can I bring something up I really want to try in a way that makes you feel safe and cherished rather than pressured and used?”
Let me assure the husbands: my and Debra’s goal in writing this book and releasing this online conference is not to limit your sexual experience but to expand it—in ways you might not even have thought about. But the best sex is built on trust, security, mutual pleasure, and empathy, which means sometimes, we have to take one step back before we can reset and take three steps forward.
By the way, by signing up for the conference, you’ll be one of the first to get a free copy of our hardback book as soon as it’s released. You’ll also have an entire year to view the courses of almost two dozen speakers on the topic of married sex. Early bird registration ends September 5th. You can sign up here.
Maeve says
I would like to hear the response to this!! My concern is a bit different. My husband and I have had a good sex life. Although, at times I have resented my husband’s attention in our bedroom, but out side of the bed room we could be room mates and not cherishing spouses. I have for years told my husband that I think we need to develop other ways to connect or have more hobbies or activities together so that when we get older and our bodies change we have other things to do together. I have felt like teenagers who stick together for sex, but ignore the bigger issues in the relationship. I want to engage with him on many levels. But he clueless it seems beside the physical side. He is a patient and generous lover, always wanting me to be comfortable and aroused. But, inside it angers me because I want him to be concerned with my happiness outside the bedroom. And he doesn’t have time for my concerns. I have read sex is glue to a relationship and that has made me a generous lover too. But after 30 years of marriage sex seems like a chore. I want to have my husband romance me and try to please me outside the bedroom. And whenever we discuss this he gets silent and distant.
Gary Thomas says
Maeve, this is such a common concern that Debra addresses it in the chapter entitled “Above the Sheets.” We’re with you–a flourishing sexual relationship needs a flourishing marriage, and Debra addresses how to build intimacy on all levels outside the bedroom to help both spouses desire physical intimacy in the bedroom.
Gen says
Although I can’t help as I’m not a married person (just came to the blog out of curiosity), I’ll pray for you about this. Perhaps you could lead by example and create ways to connect outside the bedroom – going on dates, asking questions, couples Bible studies etc. I hope he will open his heart and be willing.
Stef says
I talked to so many women already about these same experiences in marriage like my own, and the lack of attention from men outside of the bedroom. And all these women suffer emotionally really hard from it.
It destroyed MY marriage. I felt sexually abused in the end: my husband had fun and I felt depressed. We were on completely different levels about (sexual) comfort because I missed almost everything (him in every other part of my life!) and he missed nothing in our marriage. He was confident having me more like a pet sharing his life for fun or as room mate cleaning “his” house, wich should have been ours. But it – mentally – wasn’t. Because everything and erveryone else had more priority to him than I did. He didn’t care about my needs nor my oppinion. I cared a lot about him and his concerns. He took it for granted. As my attention started to ceize he got mad at me and all explanations I gave, all pleas where overheard or of no interest to him. He just cared about his wellbeing but not mine. I felt like a lonely single that coincidentally was married.
After more then 20 years I recognised one day that I felt shame and more and more uncomfortable for him seeing me naked. He grew a stranger to me. As I moved out of our bedroom he insulted me, and aggressively did everything to bite me even more away, trying to hold me with threats.
The more he went down this path the more I drifted apart from him. But surely it was my fault, not his. Because I didn’t react positive to his negative stress and urge. Do so many (even Christian) men still think they can hold a woman with strategies of fear, warfair and psychological terrorism? Really?
There is no fear in love! That is what Paul wrote in Corinthians 13.
I had a lot of fear!!
And I spoke so many women having the same fear. So it was definetely not love we became/become in our marriages. Some stay. But rather because of fear instead of love.
I didn’t. I started to run away from all this harm and pain. I want to live a free life in peace. That is what I decided after my husband wasn’t willing or able to move towards me and demanding me coming back to this life I learned to hate.
As I left noone could or wanted to understand why. I was the bad wife leaving her poor husband. So I even had to face judging christian (!!!) friends (mennand women!) turning on me and complainig how I could do something that cruel to a man who truely (?) loves me. They neither wanted to accept MY truth nor understand me. I broke the “most holy” christian vow. Now I am hated fo that.
I didn’t just lose my husband, my love, my home (financially a poor widow through divorce) and my family. I lost so many friends through this, too. My husband got the help needed. I have to walk in shame – nearly alone! There are just a few left standing by my side. And still I am more happy this way than if I would have stayed. Those judging friends hardly can deal with it. They seem to wait to see me crawling back regretfully on my knees … Never ever.
I am waiting for the day men wake up to their wives’ wellbeing and are just as concerned about it as to their own. Women really have suffered enough in history. I wish my daughters will find empathic husbands one day, who really don’t just talk about but truely mean love, and won’t have to emotionally go through the same pain like me, my mother, grandmother or great grandmother and all those generations of wives before. I keep praying.
And I hope and pray my son tries to make his future wife happy and not unhappy and finds a spouse giving him back the same love. That he learned the right things over the broken marriage of his parents.