We often hear compatibility described as the be-all and end-all of a happy, successful marriage. Admittedly, if God said to me, “Gary, I’m going to give you the easiest marriage and the easiest life anyone has ever known,” I wouldn’t be disappointed. But what if your marriage could testify to God’s power and not just your compatibility as a couple?
When we are motivated by the magnificent obsession (I discuss this in A Lifelong Love as seeking first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, according to Matthew 6:33), we tend to set our sights higher. In 2 Corinthians 12:7–10, Paul speaks of being tormented by a “thorn” in his flesh. Three times, Paul pleads with God to remove this thorn. Three times God replies, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Paul finally reaches the point where he says:
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
What if, instead of telling everyone how good we have it at home, we honestly testified that it is God’s grace alone that keeps us together?
“We’re really not compatible at all, but God has used our differences to build in us humility we wouldn’t have otherwise.”
“We’ve never been comfortable financially, but that has kept us on our knees.”
“We got married young, and the fact is, we both want different things out of life. But God is giving us the grace and power every day to unite our hearts and keep us together.”
“Blending two families has been brutal at times. Neither of us believes we could have survived it without God giving us the strength day by day.”
Is there a “thorn” in your marriage relationship that you have pleaded with God to take away? Is there something you wish He would heal but hasn’t? What if that’s exactly where God wants you to glorify Him?
It is in our weaknesses—as individuals and perhaps as couples—that Christ’s power comes to rest on us. Often it is only when we come to the end of our own strength that we make way for God to begin. If God resolved every person’s issue, every child’s problem, and every spouse’s annoyance with our first uttered prayer, we would be weaker saints. We’d be weaker couples. We wouldn’t display the power of Christ. Or we’d display it to a lesser degree.
Can you thank God for that child who keeps you on your knees? Can you recognize why God may choose to allow the possibility of another addictive lapse to keep both of you living in dependence? Can you understand that the Father may not remove some difficulties you hate because He wants you to rely on the supernatural power of Christ whom He loves?
I believe it will change our marriages and our walks with God if we stop expecting every problem to be “fixed” and instead expect every difficulty to help us learn Paul’s secret of strength in weakness and dependence on God.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
This blogpost is an excerpt from Gary’s newly revised and updated book A Lifelong Love: Discovering How Intimacy with God Breathes Passion Into Your Marriage. I want to thank those who click on these links and buy these books, as it helps makes these free blogposts possible.
Sunflower says
Yes, there is a thorn in our relationship of 38 years. Husband is addicted to pornography. I cannot see how it is making our marriage stronger.
SP says
Same here, in my nearly-22-year marriage. My husband is addicted to pornography, and is not interested in seeing a counselor, addressing his addiction or quitting. I believe that I am becoming stronger as I acknowledge that I have no control over my husband’s choices. I don’t believe this situation has made our marriage stronger. At this point, we are roommates, not spouses.
Sunflower says
SP,
I’m so sorry.
I have the exact same story. He refuses to see a counselor and we are definitely roommates. So many lies!! Never did I dream this would happen to us. All I can think about is walking away.
Sending prayers your way.
Brian Majerus says
Well said Gary. This brings helpful clarity. That lense of compatibility puts a good summary to the temptation and struggle (sometimes by the enemy himself…just got off reading your other post) that we think in terms of. Sometimes the greatest ministry comes in helping identify what we are anchored, in this case to compatibility being over everything else. Thanks!!!
Jason says
I needed that. thank you.
Mary Grace says
Gary, I’m more grateful than I can say to read this. My husband and I are both firstborns, determined to run things, thinking “my way is the best way,” and (big surprise) our marriage has been a 51-year struggle. Nothing in my life as a follower of Jesus has given me more grief or frustration or more strongly tested my resolve. My husband has generally thought that if I would just be better, our marriage would be better, and for many years, I thought he was right. Nothing we tried ever cleared up our issues. And then when I read these words, the door was flung open to whole way of looking at us. I love him very much and I’m confident he loves me. But our incompatibility is obvious to anyone who knows us. If our struggling relationship somehow brings glory to God, what a relief!!
K. Elizabeth Quigg says
After 31 years…this is so true!
Male vs female
NY vs Texas
A ‘Peter’ personality vs a ‘Matthew’ one
6 children
We’ve had lots of bumps and adjustments through tons of tears and surrender.
And only by the grace of God, are we not only still together, but better than ever…usually 😉
Our new assignment has been the cherry on the top to either make or break us. We’ve had our moments. And if not for God’s faithfulness, grace and love, we might be separated.
But God…took these two wounded wanderers and knit their hearts to Him. So with teachable, tender hearts, He continues to make us into the Christian soldiers for such a time as this.
Thank you for the wisdom from above Gary. Keep going.
Harp girl says
This was sooooo encouraging, and just what I needed to read. My husband and I married young, made mountains of mistakes, and have stayed together OFTEN-ONLY-BY-THE-GRACE-OF-GOD. Now in our 50’s, in the midst of the sorrows of an empty nest, we are drawing close to God, and finding new compassion for and interest in each other. It was definitely worth the decades of persevering through our pain!