Determining someone’s character can be a bit tricky if your brain is a little fogged by infatuation, so I’ve come up with a question that helps singles look at their potential mate with a little more clarity:
“After watching this person interact with others, would you like to become more like them? Because if you marry them, you will.”
If you go into marriage assuming you’ll be the one to “pull them toward Jesus,” consider Paul’s admonition in 1 Corinthians 15:33: “Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”
Are you risking your character—one of the most precious things about you—by spending more and more time with this person? Or would marrying this person likely elevate your character?
If you’re younger and would like to eventually have children, ask yourself another question: “Would I want my daughter/son to be just like this person I’m thinking of marrying? Would I want my son to treat women the way my boyfriend treats women? Would I want my daughter to have the same passion (or lack thereof) for God as my girlfriend does?”
When Jesus tells us to seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness (Matthew 6:33), He’s making character development a key priority for His followers. Nineteenth century writer Henry Drummond wrote, “Since we are what we are by the impacts of those who surround us, those who surround themselves with the highest will be those who change into the highest.”
Choosing a person based on their character is thus one way to trust Jesus and obey His words in Matthew 6:33. You are more likely to seek first His righteousness when you surround yourself with others who seek His righteousness, especially when it comes to marriage.
Drummond goes on to say, “There are some men and some women in whose company we are always at our best. While with them we cannot think mean thoughts or speak ungenerous words. Their mere presence is elevation, purification, sanctity. All the best stops in our natures are drawn out by their conversation and we find a music in our souls that was never there before.”
Remember how astonished the religious leaders were that the disciples exhibited such bravery and wisdom even though they were “formerly unimpressive and unschooled”? And what was their conclusion? “They took note that these men had been with Jesus” (Acts 4:13).
Do your friends and family think you are a better version of yourself since you have been dating your partner? Or are they worried that you are changing for the worse? Do you like who you’re becoming when you spend more time with this person, or do you wince with regret and try to pacify your concerns with excuses: “He’s a young believer yet, but I’m sure he’ll grow.” “She’s preoccupied with worldly things now but our church will help her mature.”
With this principle in mind, here are two questions to ask. Even better, get some feedback from objective friends and family members.
Do I want to become more like this person in character and faith?
Would I want my future children to model themselves after the person I am dating?
For more on making a wise marital choice, check out Gary’s book, The Sacred Search
Your book the Sacred Search brought such insight in my life as a single women with two fails marriages. In fact, the book revolutionized my Christian walk, and was instrumental in helping me navigate through single hood. I took the principles and insights from the book and began living Matthew 6:33 ♥️. My now husband read the book, after I was sharing it with everyone one I knew when we were just friends. The both of us stayed focused on Matthew 6:33 and it led us right to each other. Never in a million years as friends did we ever see think we would be in love and married. All along we had a shared mission. We built our friendship and now our marriage on living Matthew 6:33 ♥️. We served in ministries as friends and now as husband and wife. Life is bliss and God has been faithful to His word. Gary Thomas, your book is God-breathed. For us, it brought restoration, joy, love, and a life we only dreamed of. We will be celebrating our 3 year anniversary next month. Our marriage has become a testimony to many, and we testify often of how God used your book in our lives. We are often referred to as the Matthew 6:33 ♥️ Couple! What an honor! We thank you for your passion, insight, honor of the Lord, His word, and daring to challenge Christians to seek God first, to identify the shared mission, and to be particular in a spouse. Blessings!
Mr. Gary, thank you so much for your insights and for having the courage to speak up on these topics to men and women in such a clear way. I was led astray for a bit last year, but I’ll share that I genuinely believe having your books and blogs in my mind helped me hear and see God’s comfort, solace, and help when my boyfriend broke up with me. I know women who are sharing about the difficulties of raising their sons when their husband does not show by example what it looks like and sounds like to be a man after God’s own heart… and these are the same women whose company I do not enjoy as much as I used to before they got married. Their marriages, and the influence of their husbands, has changed them. May God give me the courage to be His, to be to others a light, and to the world- salt. Thank you for adding flavor to my life, and thank you to your wife for being such a wonderful woman that I can learn from through your writings. All praise be to God.
JC, God is giving you a lot of wisdom here. Hold on to it! Listen to it, even when feelings overwhelm you. Wisdom will serve you well.
Hi Gary,
All great and very pertinent questions. What if those questions were asked and answered but as the years went on, the answers changed. I find myself in a situation where I know that the answer would be an emphatic NO but now I’m neck deep (19+ years)
What do I do now? There has been some really deep hurt, physical and psycological. I’m so lost, I know what needs to be done but the stigma and shame is keeping me from taking the next necessary step.
Chelly, this was written for singles who are deciding who to marry. After marriage, I’d point people to Sacred Marriage. But reading the last couple lines, I also wonder if you need to check out When to Walk Away.