“Gary,” my friend asked me and a number of other writers/speakers/pastors involved in national marriage ministry. “What’s the one book you’d recommend for Christian couples about sex?”
This man has been in marriage ministry for over a decade. At the time, he was on staff of a church that may have the most proactive marriage ministry in the nation. But he couldn’t find what he wanted to find when it came to recommending a book focused on sexuality from a Christian perspective that both husbands and wives would enjoy and learn from.
The email he sent me was addressed to multiple other national marriage ministry teachers and pastors. A few of the most popular books were mentioned, all with caveats.
“This book is okay, but guys like it more than women. And the male centric language means fewer and fewer wives will finish it.”
“This one was popular when my spouse and I first got married, but it’s a bit dated.”
“This one addresses wives, but it doesn’t talk to husbands, so couples won’t read it together.”
I’ve been thinking about writing a book on sex for over a decade. I’ve looked at so many other aspects of marriage, and during my seminars my talk on sex is often the most remarked upon, but I didn’t know that I wanted to spend the year it takes to read about sex and think about sex and write about sex several hours a day.
I remember telling Lisa: “It would be a bit embarrassing at the end of my life if I spent more time reading about, talking about, and writing about sex than actually having sex. And I think doing on a book on it would put that over the edge.”
But the joint email pleaded for something new, something that both husbands and wives could enjoy, that churches could trust, that could instruct new couples and inspire older couples.
Given the current sociological climate, my publisher (Zondervan) and I didn’t feel that the time was right for an older male to write a book on his own lecturing men and women about sex. But then, in a collaboration that I believe was inspired, we hit on this idea: what if I, as a fifty-something male pastor who has been married over thirty-five years and has spent so much time writing and thinking about marriage, joined with a thirty-something female licensed counselor? The book could benefit from a male and female perspective; from a pastor who focuses on the spiritual side and a licensed counselor who focuses on the practical side; and a younger couple and an older couple could offer perspectives from different seasons of marriage?
Thus began the collaboration with Debra Fileta and myself. Debra is the author of several books I’ve already endorsed. She made her name with a book for singles, True Love Dates, and has since branched out to write some notable marriage titles such as Choosing Marriage and Love in Every Season. She has worked as a licensed counselor for over a decade and has even specialized in helping couples deal with sexual issues.
For the past several months, we’ve been trying to create the “go to” book for Christian couples who want to learn about and grow in their sexual relationship. Our aim is to write something that both husbands and wives can be enthusiastic about, and that both younger and older couples can learn from. Debra describes it this way: “This book is candid, practical, and rooted in God’s word. It’s filled with real-life stories, clinical solutions, and biblical truths that will challenge and change your view and perspective on sex.”
We have a working title, but not a “definitive” final title, so I’m withholding that for the moment, but the publication date is exactly a year from now: the fall of 2021.
As we try to finish up, we could use your help. To make this book as comprehensive, practical, and helpful as possible, we’d love for married couples to take this short 3 minute survey together, and give us feedback, information, and perspective on the topics that would be most helpful for you.
Please TAKE A MOMENT TO FILL OUT THIS SURVEY
By clicking the survey above, you’ll not only get to stay connected to this project as it unfolds, but your input will be used to help guide this resource as it takes shape.
Debra and I are excited to be working together, but even more excited for all that God is going to do in your life and your marriage through this new resource. We covet your prayers and input as we seek to serve God’s church by helping wives and husbands enjoy (and keep enjoying) the fulfilling sexual relationship God created them to experience.
Elaine Smith says
This may also be too much to include in your 70k word limit, but you do not include survivors of sexual abuse and how that impacts marriage. Not only have I never orgasmed, I have panic attacks with my partner, despite being in counseling and having someone who actively is trying to help.
Jen says
Marriage books have been the source of most of the stress in our marriage. Marriage books taught me that men want sex all the time, and women never do. We happen to be the reverse of this, but it took me years to realize that there is nothing wrong with me or him–we just don’t fit the stereotypes.
David says
Gary, I absolutely love “Cherish”. I think it’s the first marriage book I’ve read without a chapter on sex so I welcome a book on sex.
I did the survey on my own. My wife just wouldn’t be interested.
How often do you have sex depends on the definition of sex. My wife tries to arouse me about once a week sometimes without a climax and she doesn’t benefit from it except to be amused by my sounds and facial expressions. She doesn’t want to be aroused. I can hardly believe anyone would say that. Maybe I should ask and offer again….
Mother of 3 boys says
Please change the answers available for how many times women orgasm to include zero and how many times orgasmed at the same time to also include zero. This survey will not be correct if those answers can not be changed to input the real truth of how sex is for the majority of married women. In my husband’s defense, he has no idea how to bring me to orgasm. I do know he enjoys my body and intercourse, and he orgasms almost every time and has for our entire marriage. Sex always involves his penis being caressed and lube put on by me, but very rarely does my vulva get touched, mostly by me to apply lube so he can have intercourse with me. It’s very one sided most of the time.
I have been married for more than 32 years. I have never orgasmed or even feel like my husband cares if I orgasm. I know he loves me very much.
I would like to be able to answer the questions truthfully. Please let me know when and how I can change my answers.
Unsatisfied says
I completed your survey by myself because my husband and I don’t discuss sex. He simply wants nothing to do with it, unless it’s a mutual masturbation session, and I have never told him that does nothing for me, but leave me unsatisfied.
zero zero says
The question of how many times a woman orgasms, zero should also have been an option. And the same for the question of orgasming at the same time.
A disconnected husband says
Unfortunately, my wife and I could not take this survey together — we can’t talk about sex. We have been married for 38 years, and have never had a substantive discussion about sex that I can recall. I asked if we could discuss sex a couple months ago, and although she agreed, I didn’t feel comfortable beginning the conversation. (I am not a wimp. However, she is a very strong personality.) So, I asked if we could meet with a professional (I searched for, but could not find, a female Christian sex therapist in our area). Unfortunately, things “hit the fan” after that suggestion and I’m not sure we will recover. My wife has not touched me in more than a month. I don’t know if she would read this book, but hopefully it will change things for other couples. As I read the survey, I am guessing that I am not the “sex addict” that she once suggested. Thank you for being bold and stepping into a difficult subject.
Neither of us have ever had sex with anyone else, and we did not have sex until we were married. Sex for us ALWAYS followed the same process, always the same position — anything else made her uncomfortable. Although sex was good for us early on, our sex life has been a major disappointment for me for many years, and I think it has been even worse for her. I tried to be very focused on her pleasure and safety, but our relationship challenges overwhelmed the situation, and we no longer share any intimacy.
I am 60 years old, and wish I could leave a failed marriage, but I fear the wrath of God that I would face if I left the wife of my youth. What a sad way to end.
nancy B blanchard says
Have you looked at the outstanding work that Sheila Gregoire and her staff have done regarding a strong christian perspective on all aspects of sex. “The Good Girls guide to sex” among them and now, to be published soon a book which used a survey of over 20000 christians regarding sexuality. IT is definitely worth reading. She has LOTS of articles and books on all things marriage and all thing sexual, especially in her blog “To love honor and vacuum”. Take a look if you have not already.
Blestwife says
My hubby & I just did your survey. We talk about this subject openly and freely and can talk about it with others. A couple things we wanted to add; especially since we’ve been married 40+ years. 1. Medical issues for sure can come into play in the sexual intimacy area.
2. I’m a SUPER BLEST WIFE and feel VERY CHERISHED and LOVED by my husband. He loves and serves me so well 24/7. When filling out the survey questions regarding orgasm and he 10 out of 10 and me 4 out of 10, I want to point out I’m just as fulfilled and happy with my 4 out of 10 as he is with his 10 out of 10. He’s more than willing to give me 10 out of 10 but I don’t have a strong sex drive at all but I have found I get much pleasure by fulfilling his sexual desires. We love being married and are excited for what God has for us in this season of “retirement” and “refiring” in as much ministry and serving others as God opens up for us.
Zero is the loneliest number says
I really like what you all are doing inviting healthy sexuality into marriages.!! In the Survey I just completed, it asked how many times She orgasms in 10 sexual events. 1-10. You did not leave an option for Zero, so your survey is skewed. I have participated in sexual activities with several partners in my life time, and after the first time I have NEVER had a man concerned with whether his partner climaxes. I have been married 37 years, and in 35 of those years I have climaxed exactly 0 times. He never cared ( and of course I never understood I had the right to insist upon it. Completely my fault).
Also, where I work, and I have had several senior clients who complained their partners dominate the bedroom up to and including rape. I love that you are giving women power to stand up for their own sexuality, but maybe it’s worse than we all imagine.
I completely agree with anon, and anonymous!! Same for me.
Anon says
So glad you are doing this! I took a look at the survey and have one thing I would love to see added in the section on sexual disfunction/difficulties. That is DE (delayed ejaculation, where it takes a man FOREVER to reach orgasm through pentration though he has no problem reaching it through masturbation). This is something that my husband and I have struggled with for years (due probably largely to his porn usage that I didn’t know about at the time) and there are very little if any Christian resources on the subject. Yet from what I’ve read, it’s becoming an increasingly common problem among young men. And I can speak firsthand of the ways this has even physically injured me and changed how I view sex. We desperately need Christian advice on this subject.
Gary Thomas says
I’ll be honest: we have a 70K word limit, and we’re already working hard to keep it down. It’s not in the current manuscript. We’re trying to address some of the more common issues and while I’m aware this is on the rise (due to the very issues you express in your comment), I’m not sure we can get to it. But Debra will be reading these comments as well and may yet include it in a chapter she’s currently working on.
Anonymous says
My husband and I took the survey. Please update the answer options to three questions:
How many times out of ten is there an orgasm? PLEASE INCLUDE ZERO.
We have been married 20 years and have NEVER ORGASMED at the same time. My husband orgasms 10 out of 10 times. I maybe orgasm ONCE A YEAR during sex.
Gary Thomas says
One of the biggest surprises coming from this survey so far for both Debra and me has been the infrequency of women’s orgasms. We’ll definitely be hitting on that.