Shame died about thirty years ago and I’m wondering if the health of our nation depends on its resurrection.
Psychologists, self-help gurus, and educational experts began warning that the real problem isn’t shameful behavior, but feeling shame for our behavior. Feeling shame, they argued, leads to all kinds of psychological ailments, reinforces addiction, and rips up self-esteem. We should just get rid of shame, they said, and we’ll solve many modern ills.
How has that worked out for us? Is our society getting better without all that “awful shame” our parents’ carried?
From a biblical perspective, shame isn’t the enemy—bad behavior is. Shame is actually a friend if it leads us to repent, fall on God’s mercy for forgiveness and the strength to change, and get motivated to live differently. God was frustrated when his people felt nothing in the face of their evil: “Were they ashamed because of the abomination they have done? They were not even ashamed at all. They did not even know how to blush.” (Jer. 6:15)
Listen to Blaise Pascal’s bold take: “The only shame is to have none.”
I get that there’s a difference between feeling shame for who you are and feeling shame as your response to a particular action, but we seem so eager to prevent the former that we’ve neglected a necessary check on the latter. I can’t remember the last time I’ve watched any news cast without seeing egregiously shameful actions and words from people of all walks in society—and the persons behind such behavior and words appeared to have cold, dead consciences. That’s what scares me most. We all have bad days, but feeling no shame for our bad days? That can’t be healthy or bode well for the future.
Biblical Shame
Wicked behavior rightly brings shame and disgrace (Prov. 13:5). Paul says we should live in such a way that we have no need to be ashamed: “Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed…” (2 Tim. 2:15) Paul’s desire to not be ashamed is clear motivation for him to live a courageous life in Christ (1 Phil. 1:20). The apostle John likewise used the desire to not be ashamed as motivation for continued life in Christ: “And now, dear children, continue in him, so that when he appears we may be confident and unashamed before him at his coming.” (1 John 2:28) John is keeping the fear of future shame alive to amend his present character.
Whenever shame is rejected, it’s solely because we should not be ashamed of the Gospel (Rom. 1:16) or our Lord (2 Tim. 1:8). The Bible doesn’t reject shame as a response to immoral behavior, or call shame illegitimate when it’s the result of cowardice and the rejection of our need to be active ministers of the Gospel. On the contrary, shame is a legitimate, appropriate response to immoral, obnoxious, selfish behavior. Rather than run from it, we should allow it to motivate us toward godliness.
In this sense, shame is a God-created, God-designed emotional response intended to keep me from sliding even further away from his will when I act in an abominable, or even just an inappropriate way. It’s a “check”—sort of like those truck ramps placed on the downhill side of mountain highways. When we’re morally running out of control, and our normal conscience brakes aren’t working, shame is God’s gift to make us think twice: do I really want to live this way?
Shame as a response to poor living isn’t the problem; it’s part of the cure. It’s God’s intention to point us back to him.
Unassailable Character?
A mother once defended her son to me because, even though his behavior had been deplorable, his character was “unassailable.” In a world where we all stumble in many ways (James 3:2), I’m not sure anyone’s character is “unassailable,” much less a teenager who is learning his way in the world. Yet we are so fearful of shame (or shaming our children) that we act like admitting an error is a greater evil than committing one. How can we grow if we don’t admit we’ve done something shameful and learn from it? Won’t we just repeat it?
Because of grace, I don’t need to fear shame; God can use it. There are times when I let food get the best of me. I inhale my food with the force of an industrial vacuum, in a way that is rude and yes, shameful. While I was watching a football (pre Covid days, of course), my wife cut up some fruit and berries. Maybe it was the intensity of the moment, but I all but swallowed that bowl of fruit whole, never even really enjoying it. Lisa walked down the stairs, saw the empty bowl she had just placed in front of me, and her mouth dropped open in astonishment. I’ve also been known to drink a venti chai tea in about three gulps.
If I’m excited about a topic, I can dominate a conversation, more eager to share my opinion than to learn. I hate it when I do this, and I’m rightly ashamed of it. Afterwards, when I become aware of it, I repent, ask God’s forgiveness, and try to be more mindful of it the next time I’m in such a situation.
I don’t expect myself—or others—to be perfect. Even people far more mature than I am occasionally do shameful things. When Ido shameful things, I want to feel shame because that’s part of the process of change. After repentance and forgiveness, I accept the Gospel truth that there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Walking in grace, however, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t feel shame when I act shamefully; it means that after admitting my shame, I can be released from the guilt of my actions, encouraged by God’s acceptance and love, and rest in his promised help and empowerment so that I can act in a less shameful way in the future.
Living in shame leads to all kinds of psychological ills and destruction; passing through shame can lead us to God, spiritual health, and even psychological balance. I don’t want to grow up “feeling no shame” if that means I can act in a deplorable manner and just accept it as part of who I am.
Growing up in the sixties, we kids often heard, “You should be ashamed of yourself.” That phrase has all but disappeared in modern child-rearing—to our society’s great detriment. Shame can be destructive, but it has a healthy place. We should be fans of healthy shame.
If you’re ashamed of how you’ve been living, embrace God’s conviction, repent of your past lifestyle, receive God’s forgiveness, and then rest in his acceptance. Let the bitterness of your previous shame spur you toward a new life, knowing that you never want to taste that shame again.
But don’t run from shame as an experience. Run from it as an identity.
I know there are a lot of wise counselors who read this blog. If you could help us figure out this important distinction and the way modern teachers use the word “shame,” please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below. I’m not sure I’ve gotten everything right—just that I’m seeing something that feels very wrong.
Thanks for addressing this topic. As I understand it, healthy shame is actually called GUILT in the Bible, and is a nudge from God for the need to confess it, repent of it, and CHANGE…It is a God given mechanism to get rid of shame. It says ‘I DID something wrong”. Once dealt with properly, the shame should disappear. If NOT dealt with Biblically, it can develop into unhealthy shame..
SHAME on the other hand says “I AM wrong…inadequate, flawed, not enough…” IT pertains to personhood, and is much more damaging to the internal workings of a person….leading to addictions to deal with the internal pain of unhealthy shame.
I’m thankful that God has given us a way to deal with guilt as well as evil done TO us, damaging our sense of worthiness. so it doesn’t become unhealthy shame.
I don’t think anyone is saying that shame is bad when shame is due. The shame psychologists are trying to rid us of, is the shame that is not ours to carry. Like the woman who was abused, and believes the abuse was her fault, and not the abuser’s fault. Or a person who is shamed for being overweight, for example. We can say being overweight is a consequence of gluttony, which is a sin, but that doesn’t justify shaming someone, we are also taught to speak the truth in love, and take care of the log in our own eye before pointing at the spec in our brother ‘s eye.
My journey with shame has been more about feeling shame for who I am rather than for what I’ve done. I think there’s is a big difference. I think it’s good to feel shame for wrong behaviour; it will hopefully lead to repentance. Is it better to define this feeling as guilt? I think so often I feel shame for “being” a certain way, which has led me to believe that I am not enough–not loveable enough, not worthy enough, not pretty or skinny enough, not a good enough wife, mother, daughter, friend, etc., etc. And in the times when appropriate shame has led to repentance, I have often carried shame with me well beyond the time of repentance and forgiveness. I have such a hard time letting it go and then feel shame for not being able to let it go. I think it’s important to realize shame is not something we should feel when we think about our bodies, our personality and character traits, our families, and even some of our failures and mistakes.
Jer. 3.3; 6.15; 8.12; Ezk. 36.32; 43.10 (KJV)
Shame has been defined as being about ‘who we are’ while guilt is ‘what we do’……however I do think we may have taken this too far in addressing deep feelings of ‘inadequacy’ about who God made us to be. What we do can have a tremendous positive influence on our feelings of adequacy and worth and should not be ‘ignored’ as a resource we have. We can’t always determine our circumstances however as individuals created and loved by God we all are given by Him an ability to choose how we respond and what we do with what we are faced with.
I don’t think feeling shame for doing something shameful is bad. I think that aspect of shame is tied directly to accountability and being responsible for your own actions (not someone else’s). I also don’t think that’s the point of what I’ve learned. Shaming someone else is what is not good – especially when it is only because it isn’t what you consider “right”. If I make someone feel ashamed for what they are wearing to church (shorts and flip-flops) because I feel that people should dress up (maybe that IS dress up for them) – that is where shame becomes wrong. It isn’t about what I feel is right/wrong, but about what God states is right/wrong, and we are to show them the truth… not label them. Just my personal opinion
I’ve worked in mental health for 10 years. Your distinction between shame towards who you are a & shame towards what you do. I’ve been taught and used that shame towards a behaviour is better understood as guilt (has all the benefits your pointing out).
Could this be anymore brilliant, and timely? I think not.
Thank you. Very much.
Shame is the gift given to us all to realize we are doing things that just are not wise for us. All things are permissible in the world, but the Lord says it is not profitable for the soul. (Paraphrased) It brought me to the question why am I continually doing things that make me shameful? When I heard in my spiritual p(mind)…”Because you are rejecting MY LOVE while seeking other things to fill your void. Let ME show you how deep MY LOVE can fill you. When you Repent, release, and renew, your thoughts and your actions. Then redirect your life, and follow me! It will not be easy, for Satan will not like it! I will not leave you empty, and filled with disappointments and shame. Let me have all of you. The things no one else can see. I will wash it white as snow. Repent, release, renew, redirect, REDEEMED!”
I will be focusing my prayers on this while I pray for our daughter, who estranged from us a year and a half ago. We were the messengers of bad news concerning her live-in boyfriend, that we had to tell her about because we love her. I can understand her feeling embarrassed that we found out she’d been deceived by the guy (and they are thankfully no longer together), but for her to apparently not have a clue of how painful estrangement is makes me very sad. She’s a smart young lady with a BS in Psych and is thankfully taking good care of herself now, but I’m praying for some healthy shame to kick in for her.
Perhaps the better motivator rather than more shame is more LOVE. Love for God & others is what should compell us to not sin. And living out of our true identity — that we are beLOVEd children of God — is a much deeper and longer lasting motivator than shame and fear. When we’ve hurt someone or ‘sinned’ against them, we experience guilt which is a good motivator to apologize/repent and set things right. But I believe that LOVE is the motivator towards lasting transformation much more than shame.
One more thought: Shame is centered on ME and Love is centered on OTHERS.
Shame — especially as an identity (I am bad) — is a self-imploding destructive force. It’s all about ME. Self hatred does not serve others.
Guilt (I did something bad) serves to convict me when I have hurt God, myself or others and points me toward repentence, forgiveness & restoration — toward LOVE.
Living loved and living to love is why I don’t kill my neighbor or slander my neighbor – not because I would be ashamed if i did.
This is just my viewpoint and experience. Hope that makes sense.
I am interested in hearing other viewpoints and learning from others as well.
Thanks for your thoughts on this topic, something that can be shameful to even talk about!
I think there is a difference between shame (which leads to worldly sorrow) and guilt (which leads to godly repentance). Jesus despised shame (James 12:2), and there is a reason the evil one is known as the accuser after we sin—to shame us to keep our sin hidden and unconfessed.
I have found great healing in Ed Welch’s book Shame Interrupted, where he differentiates guilt (I have done something bad, imagine a court room scene) from shame (I am someone bad, shame comes from and in community, like being a leper). Also I am now reading The Soul of Shame, another healing book from a wise Christian counselor.
The terms are often used interchangeably, and that’s ok. Defining shame vs guilt, though, can be useful to show us our sin and need for repentance (guilt), and how we should not treat others (shaming them). Much of addiction has to do with shame… a reason Brene Brown says why Americans are the most over weight, over medicated, addicted and disconnected society ever.
It is hard to love and forgive one another and show compassion to one another as Christ loves, forgives and gives compassion when we shame one another. Interestingly, Jesus’ interactions with repentant sinners trapped in sexual sin was full of grace and compassion. It seems to me that really the only people He shamed were the religious leaders who were blind to their own sin.
So your thoughts are good and valid, and I appreciate you for sharing them.
Gary thank you for your take on this subject. I never considered this option. I now realize the shame I feel is a major factor keeping me from continuing down the slippery slope leading to the destruction of all that I hold dear.
Thank you Gary! Much needed perspective in our current culture – and helpful for me the next time I need to process some shame. No need to be ashamed of that post!
I do not claim to be a “wise Counselor” But I am an old lady having raised five beautiful daughters and am now blessed wit 8 granchildren. Yes growing up in the 40’s and 50’s one often heard “SHAME ON YOU!!!!!” My current opinion is that REDEMPTIVE discipline is the only appropriate kind. Like saying to a misbehaving child: “Honey…you’re a GOOD girl; I love you. But what you just did isn’t good. Let’s talk about it” I believe that parenting should include more affirmation then defamation!!! I Wince in the grocer stores about the verbal put downs of children that I hear. But to move your great blog a bit further. HOW about we as a nation experiencing shame and repenting from how we have BLOWN it in the past (Slavery, wiping out American Indian tribes, etc.) May we humble our arrogant selves and recognize that any greatness we have is ONLY BY GOD’s grace. Germany has done something like that so that school children KNOW the WWII history, and determine to not repeat it. THANKS
I’ve heard of the culture of honor in Japan where to bring shame on your family or yourself causes you to lose honor. Maybe if we recognized appropriate shame we could handle the responsibility of honor. Are honor and shame 2 sides of the same coin? What do you think?
I grew up with massive doses of “shame on you, what will people think!? ” I could never measure up. I became a caregiver at an early age but, no achievement or good quality was ever a knowledged in me. I became what was said of me.
Now, many years, and Christ later, I’m a counselor. I’ve had counseling myself for the residue of shame that taints me still.
God has allowed me to remember my sin, guilt and shame so that I cannot judge my counselees. However, I try to put it in Biblical perspective (thank you, ACBC) like this:
We should feel sorrow over our sinful acts. After all, all sin is against God. But, God has a method to deal with that, (1John 9). It’s called sincere repentance.
Shame says who I am, sin is what I’ve done (and sorrow, guilt, and repentance are the appropriate response).
I counsel this in part: Cain’s blood cried out from the ground (Gen 4:10) but, Jesus blood provides redemption (HEB 12:24). Because if the shed blood, we are no longer guilty, shameful children.
I do agree, we have forgotten how to blush, we are no longer remorseful, we demand our rights at the expense (instead of blessing) of others. One needs to be careful with those struggling with shame, as I have. They need to be reminded the remedy applies to them too.
Christ alone is the answer.
Very good, insightful article!
I believe it’s important to distinguish between guilt and shame. Shame implies that the person is bad, whereas guilt speaks to the behavior. We are called to make this separation between the sin and the sinner.
Redemption cannot happen from a place of shame. I believe we each strive (and need God’s wisdom) to hold this creative tension between self-compassion as imperfect and sinful creatures AND recognizing we are created in His image to behave in a way that reflects this honor.
Brene Brown is a Shame researcher – check her wonderful work out.
This may be semantics, but I read once from a ‘shame researcher’ that guilt says “you did something bad” and shame says “you are bad.” So in other words, guilt is good for repentance but shame may lead to an ungodly, untrue and a unproductive self-image. But, therein lies the problem, if people are suppressing their shame then they may be missing the great opportunity to repent.
Replying to my own thought…The Bible does say we are all bad anyhow. The heart is wicked above all things. Is anyone inherently good? Aren’t we all depraved to begin with? With this in mind, shouldn’t we all feel the shame of being bad because deep down we all are. That’s why we need Jesus.