If you’ve read Cherish, you may remember the story of Laura and Curt. As a five-year-old girl, Laura stood on the sidewalk wearing a “fancy dress” she had picked out to welcome her daddy home from work, but he never did return. That jarring experience—being all dressed up, eagerly anticipating her father, and then being let down—stamped Laura’s brain and did a number on her self-esteem, as if she wasn’t “worth” coming home to. Her parents’ divorce soon followed, and Laura saw her dad just two brief times before he died. She was sixteen years old at the time of his death and never had a relationship with him, leaving her with a wounded heart.
Before she got married, Laura told Curt, her soon-to-be husband, that she didn’t care how much money he made or how big of a house they lived in; she just wanted to be cherished. To his credit, Curt learned that cherishing a woman who had been left standing on the curb as a young girl meant leaving work on time. Laura’s dad may not have thought she was “worth” coming home to, but by his actions Curt has told Laura, thousands of times now, that as a wife she’s so wonderful he can’t wait to take her into his arms. Laura had me near tears when she explained, “The best part of my day is in the evening when I hear the garage door opener click on and I know my man is coming home to me.” In the book I make the connection that Laura’s gifting as a Bible teacher, hostess and friend who lights up the room is evidence of how being cherished can help us overcome deep childhood wounds.
Curt and Laura have now been married more than forty years, but the journey toward cherishing each other continues. This is a great post to show us how, even though we may have been convicted by the call to cherish our spouse in the past, we need to keep winning the “mental battles” that war against our earlier decision.
This particular event happened on a Tuesday. Curt was supposed to do something that day, so at dinner Laura asked him if he had done it.
“Oh, no,” Curt said. “I forgot.”
Laura told me, “Fleshly Laura immediately thinks, ‘Well, he doesn’t forget things he has to do for work…’” but she chose not to dwell on it and let it go, at least for the evening.
The next morning, Laura faced a dilemma: should she remind Curt to do what they talked about last night that he had forgotten to do? It was time sensitive and really needed to get done. Her words again: “Fleshly Laura strongly rises up and says to herself, ‘why should you remind him? Just let him forget again and have to face the consequences!’” Part of those consequences would have been knowing he had let Laura down, and since Curt truly does cherish Laura, it would cause him considerable pain to know he had done that.
But fortunately “fleshly Laura” is no match for the redeemed believer Spirit-led Laura. “Whoosh! The Holy Spirit whispers one word to me and I am quickened: cherish. My choices are now crystal clear. Don’t remind him and let him ‘get what he deserves’ or graciously come alongside and nicely mention it so that he has the opportunity to follow through and not fall on his face.”
This is such a real description of internal dialogue we face in marriage every day, isn’t it? Are we setting our spouse up to fail or to succeed? The word “cherish” became a reminder to Laura that she wants to set up her husband to succeed.
Laura wrote to me, “Well, Gary, the ‘one word that changes everything for your marriage’ did its work. I immediately confessed my sin for even considering a course of action that may intentionally have brought hurt to my husband. And here’s the best part: before I could remind him, he said that he had done it. Silence saved me from hurting him! He has no idea the battle that fleshly Laura had with Spirit-minded Laura. But praise God for that one well-timed whisper from the Spirit, cherish.”
I want to thank Laura for her vulnerability, because after I asked her if I could print her words in a blog post, she had to confess to Curt what had gone on inside her! And she took one for the team—for you all—by agreeing to go public, knowing she’d have to confess to Curt what had been going on inside her.
By letting us into her own internal battle, Laura points all of us toward continually choosing to cherish. It’s not a one-time decision. You may have read and been convicted by the book, but then stopped cherishing your spouse. That helps your marriage about as much as running a marathon in 2018 helps your physical health today. That’s why we’re inviting couples to make this the “summer of cherish.” We want to help you make cherishing a pattern of your relationship, even if you’ve read the book or attended a Cherish seminar.
Let’s encourage each other to keep raising the bar of our marriages and learn in the nitty gritty of daily married life what it truly means to cherish our beloved.
Cherish Challenge Week Three
- Read this blog post along with chapter 4 of Cherish
- Spend some time by yourself in prayer, asking God to reveal your own mental battles that keep you from cherishing. Have you been winning or losing these battles? How can the mental reminder of the word “cherish” keep you focused?
- We’d love it if you would share a quick sentence or two about how the word “cherish” has kept you moving toward your spouse when you were tempted to move away. You can do that in the comments below and/or on our Cherish Challenge web page here.
- After reading chapter 4 of Cherish share with each other what in your marriage makes you feel most honored and then most dishonored.
Dick Smith says
Gary. I’m surely enjoying the Cherish Challenge. My life has been and continues to be forever changed by Sacred Marriage, and now Cherish has been the icing on the cake. I was raised up with the mental message “not good enough”. It brought out a very defensive mindset in me that caused me to miss my wife’s well meaning encouragement of my “growth opportunities”. I have often said that if you looked up defensive in the dictionary, that was my picture next to the definition. Your words challenged me to make the decision, every day, to Cherish my wife because Jesus Cherishes me first. Even when I don’t deserve it. Do I ever really deserve such love and Cherish?
When I find that I need a reminder to honor God’s favorite daughter, my wife, I think of the example that you shared about the bride walking down the aisle, and choosing to honor her and stand as she comes down the aisle. I picture the most beautiful bride EVER, my bride, and I choose to honor her and Cherish her. Holy Spirit has convicted me to put my honor where my mouth is. It is my pleasure to greet my wife when she enters the room by standing. I have gotten some crazy looks from others but it works for me and it lights up the face of my wife. It is a matter of the condition of my heart.
I am finding that for me, real Cherish leaves no place for defensiveness. Cherish means not being “guilty of the sin of ingratitude” toward my wife or to God. My gift of Cherish is to Jesus. He is never disappointed and I am always “good enough” for Him. My wife just happens to be my recipient.
Cherish has changed everything for our marriage. We are learning to live and love (and Cherish), the way that we have received it from our Bridegroom. Thank you for calling me up to a higher place. It’s great up here. Each day brings greater joy. Keep up the great work.
Tina Dubach says
Just the word Cherish will come to mind. As if the Holy Spirit is saying you want to be cherished so you need to step up and cherish first. Does change my mindset and my actions.