My love for Scripture is matched only by my love for Jesus, and the love of one is the expression of my love for the other. Everything I aspire to be as a husband is because of what the Bible calls me to be. And since Jesus was never married, I have to take the bulk of my instruction as a husband from the other words of Scripture, which I take to be as authoritative as the “red letters” of Jesus.
My fellow husbands, what I’ve found is that when I rightfully understand and seek to submit to all that God’s Word calls me to be and do as a husband, I don’t have any time left over to wonder if my wife is holding up “her” verses. So, let’s look at what the Bible actually calls husbands to be. A “biblical” husband:
1. Never makes his wife’s life bitter
Colossians 3:19 says, “Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.” The word “love” is in present tense, meaning unceasing and ongoing action, while the language for “treating your wife harshly” is in the aorist tense, meaning a one-time occurrence. In this context that means when it comes to a husband being harsh with his wife, Paul’s policy is Not. Even. Once. You don’t get to treat your wife harshly when you’re tired, frustrated, or it’s at the end of a long day and you’re not getting what you want out of life or marriage. A paraphrase for Paul’s advice to husbands would be, “always love, never be harsh.”
Another translation for harsh, by the way, is anything that “makes her life bitter.” If I believe the Bible, I should never do anything that makes my wife’s life bitter. If leaving my socks on the floor bothers her, I should pick them up. If a tone of voice makes her feel talked down to, I must stop using that tone of voice. And of course, this verse absolutely rejects any notion of physical harm, verbal abuse, or even threats.
A biblical husband always loves and is never harsh.
2. Provides for his family
1 Timothy 5:8 says, “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” Those husbands who play videogames at home while their wives work two jobs? They’re not “biblical husbands.”
I understand the desire men have to pursue their dreams vocationally. I don’t think this verse objects to a wife working full-time while her husband is in school—that’s preparing to provide and it’s work (even though you may not be getting paid for it). This admonition also doesn’t negate the wife also working, especially since Proverbs 31 refers to an income earning wife. It does negate the thought of a husband who is able to work not working out of selfishness or laziness.
This verse challenged me when I was a young husband desperate to become a writer and married a woman who was desperate to be a full-time stay-at-home mom. I had to work a full-time job (and for a spell another part-time job added on) for fifteen years and write on the side before I could write full-time, which is partly what turned me into an early morning person (it was the only time I could pursue my dream). So men, I get wanting to pursue a dream. It’s the story of my life. I don’t get making your wife and children suffer so you can pursue your dream. Wanting to be a “biblical” husband, I didn’t see that as an option.
A biblical husband works hard to provide for his family.
3. Treats his wife with respect
1 Peter 3:7 tells me that if I don’t respect my wife, God won’t hear my prayers: “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect…so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” It’s therefore impossible for me to imagine that I could be a Christian in good standing if I fail to respect my wife. Respect begins with my language—I’m never to be condescending, nor hurtful, nor threatening. Respect includes making life choices with my wife’s welfare at the top of my concern. Respect means I also listen to her, value her opinion, and don’t talk her down to others. Respect doesn’t mean I always agree with her or always do what she wants me to do but it also means I don’t expect her to always agree with me or always do what I want her to do.
A biblical husband respects his wife.
4. Takes initiative
Male chauvinism and domineering control have been a problem for all of human history, but in society’s attempt to dismantle this sin the opposite sin—male passivity—often gets overlooked. That’s the devil’s trap: if he knows he’s losing his grip on tempting the church with one sin, he’ll try to get the church to fall head-first into the opposite sin. Truth isn’t found by reacting to evil; it’s found by responding to Christ and His Word.
If you take the Bible seriously, a husband’s love is an initiating love. When the Bible tells men to love their wives like Christ loves the church (Eph. 5:22ff), it’s calling us to an initiating, reaching-out love. Christ adopted the breathtaking plan of becoming flesh to get His message across to us—a bold, audacious and one-sided move. He willingly laid down His life to deal with our sin when we didn’t deserve it. He is the most active figure in history, and He continues to be so when He says, “I will build my church” (Matt. 16:18). He hasn’t built but is building His church. A biblical husband is an active husband, expending much energy and thought over how to build up his wife. He’s not primarily thinking about how or whether she is serving Him; he’s focused on what He can do for her.
A biblical husband is an initiating husband.
5. Speaks life to his wife
Proverbs 18:21 warns us, “The tongue has the power of life and death.” We husbands are therefore called to choose every word—every single one—carefully: “I tell you, on the Day of Judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak,for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” (Matt. 12:36-37)
This includes words when we’re tired, angry, frustrated, hurt or disappointed. The Bible moves us to make every word breathe life into our wives and marriages.
A biblical husband uses his tongue to nurture, never to hurt.
6. Values her sexual pleasure and needs
Our bodies aren’t just our own; on the day we get married, they also belong to our wives (1 Cor. 7:3ff.). Which means we need to preserve a brain that values her beauty, which enjoins us to resist comparing our wives to pornographic images or other women walking down the street. It means when we make love, we put her pleasure at the center of every experience, and that we preserve enough energy to be able to engage in sexual relations. It means we spend time and thought thinking up how to please her. It also means we try to take care of our own bodies since they’re the only ones our wives are biblically allowed to make love to. Offering a body and brain that’s broken down due to neglect or indulgence (I’m not talking about age or disease here) is like feasting at a restaurant and giving our wives the option of licking the plate. That’s not generous; it’s gross.
A biblical husband disciplines himself and works to please his wife sexually.
7. Loves her out of reverence for God
1 John 3:1 and Ephesians 5:1 are key Bible verses declaring that we are God’s children, which means my wife is God’s daughter. She will never not be God’s daughter, so I will have a lifelong motivation to love her and be faithful to her, simply because I owe her Heavenly Father more than I could ever even begin to repay.
This biblical truth has been a mainstay of my marital devotion from the time God first hit me over the head with it when he convicted me, probably 25 years ago now, about how lousy of a husband I was being: “Lisa isn’t just your wife, she’s my daughter, and I expect you to treat her accordingly.” Having my own children, and knowing how desperately I want them to be well-loved even though I know they aren’t perfect, gives me just a glimpse of God’s desire for me to love His daughter, my wife, and how much I can please Him by loving her well.
A biblical husband loves his wife because she is, first and foremost, God’s daughter.
8. Honors her more than she honors him
When I got married, I foolishly kept a scorecard, wondering if Lisa would treat me as well as I was trying to treat her. That is one hundred and eighty degrees different from the attitude the Bible calls me to have when Paul writes, “Outdo one another in showing honor” (Romans 12:10). According to Paul, at the end of the day my goal should be that I honor my wife more than she honors me. This means I focus more on what I’m called to do than on what she is called to do.
A biblical husband focuses more on loving his wife well than on evaluating whether he is being treated well.
9. Is committed to his wife for life in a covenantal relationship
When Jesus does talk about a marriage, He makes it clear that I get one choice, and I am to be covenantally (not just contractually) committed to that choice for the rest of my life—until either one of us dies. “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:9) If I want to honor Jesus, I can’t end my marriage because I’m not satisfied or happy or think I made my choice too hastily. Only my wife can give me grounds for divorce. If she’s not unfaithful to me, my call is to work it out. If she abandons me or is unfaithful to me, that’s not something I’m doing, that’s something she’s doing. She’s breaking the covenant, not me. But for my part, I am to accept that this is my one and likely only marriage, so I should nurture it, grow it, build it, and enjoy it. There won’t be a second chance (not that I would want one).
10. Loves
Biblical love isn’t sentimental or emotional. It’s gritty and specific. Just look at 1 Corinthians 13:4ff. Love is patient; men, are we patient with our wives? Love is kind; men, when’s the last time you’ve done something for your wife out of sheer kindness and not to get something back? Love isn’t proud; men, do we exalt ourselves over our wives or act like servants? Love doesn’t dishonor others; men, how do we talk about our wives when we’re not with them? Love isn’t self-seeking; men, are we more focused on what we’re getting out of marriage than what we’re giving? Love isn’t easily angered; men, do our wives feel safe and cherished in our gentle love? Love keeps no record of wrongs; men, do we shove our wives’ past mistakes and sins back at them during an argument? Love does not delight in evil; men, do we entice our wives to join us in sin? Love always protects; men, do we endanger our wives’ health, energy, joy and peace for our own selfish pursuits and pleasures? Love always perseveres; men, are we committed to hanging in there, refusing to even utter the word “divorce”?
A biblical husband loves his wife the way the Bible defines love.
These verses sidestep the complementarian/egalitarian divide. Whatever those verses mean, all of the above apply to every husband in every marriage. If I ever master these ten passages, maybe I’ll have time to wax eloquently on the ones so many others seem so obsessed about arguing over. Until then, I’ve got my hands full with what God clearly asks of me as a husband. And I hope every spiritually alive husband reading this will feel the same.
P.S. For the men who say it’s not fair that I’m focusing on just the husbands here, let me remind you that I wrote an entire book for women: Loving Him Well: Practical Advice on Influencing Your Husband. Publishers aren’t too excited about publishing books with men as the primary audience, so I’m slipping a bit of what I’d say in a book to men into this blog. Plus, I like the biblical reminders about how I’m supposed to behave toward Lisa. I need them to stay the course.
Unfortunately, I am divorced….due to a previously Jesus-loving husband whose porn/woman addiction
ended him up where he never dreamed to be!
(that’s another story)
I just want to say, THANK YOU Gary!
I’m 68….and have been brought up in a generation where women were hit hard with the submission thing!
Yes! It WAS “a thing” back then!
It’s kept many a woman I’ve worked with
in abuse they shouldn’t be taking!
(I know this is a sensitive/debatable subject).
Anyway….I truly appreciate your heart
for marriages…men and women both!
and….most of all,
your devotion to Jesus!
Gary, thank you for bringing clarity to an area of life that has felt overwhelming. Only recently, though, has God shown me that all my striving to do the good and right thing in my marriage can, and actually did, bring death and pain to my wife’s heart. In my ignorance and immaturity, I thought I was doing good things, even some of those things listed. I admit that in other ways I was also being lazy. As a result of my marriage dying, God has shown me that only because of His love for me am I able to love Him and truly love others. I tried changing me, but it didn’t work. Only because of His Spirit working in me am I able to be changed to be like Christ for the long-term, and it is a slow process. So, I see more clearly what God calls a husband to, knowing it is only possible to DO these things and BE a godly biblical husband when Christ is the love of my life and His Holy Spirit is alive in me.
This is amazingly well written and always pointing to God’s word.
I wish I could share this with my husband but he’d be upset .
I feel so vulnerable and alone. I have to keep reminding myself that God is good and he holds my future and ask him to protect my heart.
Thank you, Gary, you encourage both my husband and I. We so appreciate this being addressed from a man in leadership to men for it seems rare to us from what we have seen. We both feel exhortation has been primarily aimed at correcting the ladies which is lopsided. We desperately need men to challenge and minister to men. the church and world need godly men! We want all to grow in Christ of course, but without good leadership, our culture suffers. My husband began a 180 degree turn to begin practicing the things you said 9 years ago and I am so blessed! It has brought healing and love to our marriage. He inspires me to love like Christ as well when he walks in these ways of Christ. Thank you for ministering to and challenging our men! I am sending prayers for you and yours. I have been blessed many times by you!
Is there an article on what God asks of a wife?
No. 4 – Provides for his family — has been the absolute bane of my married life. Due to career circumstances and long bouts with unemployment, it warped me into a man who questioned God’s goodness in our family’s life. It made my wife bitter against me for having to work so much and not be home with our children. It, in turn, made me bitter and angry at God for allowing my wife to have to go through this. And it brought out a very bad side of me that accentuated my negatives.
This all happened over the past 10 years of our 25-year marriage and has led to a serious rift in our marriage and major disconnect.
This verse has always been a tough one for me because my wife and I prayed for years and years and years to allow me to be the main breadwinner for the family and for me not to be has brought out the worst in both of us and hurt our marriage to no end. And I still have trouble trusting God for allowing this to happen.
I think it Will help if you’re not blaming God for allowing something you asked for. The Bible says the thief comes to steal kill and destroy but God comes to give life abundantly. His will is Abundant for life for you and your wife. We can’t blame him when that doesn’t happen because there are other forces acting on us which include the enemy, our own choices, and other people’s choices, natural law, and spiritual law. None of those are God. God’s will is for you prosper and be in health even as your soul prospers. So I encourage you to take out God as the source of your disappointment and see him as the source of hope as He walks you through the the disappointments.
When we quit seeing him as responsible for the difficulties or as “allowing” them, it gives a tweak to our hearts that brings more peace and joy. And it makes it easier to hear the Holy Spirit as he leads us into the abundance and blessings that we are a promised
Bible said it to the letter
and I now must take the rap.
I could have done much better,
but as a husband I was crap.
I thought romance was boring,
and sex a waste of time,
and was busy thus ignoring
that lovely mate of mine.
I think that I did listen
to what she tried to say,
but as her eyes did glisten
I went my merry way
unto a world of cold machines
that did not knowjust what love means.
Gary, thanks for a biblical summary for men to be clear on what a “biblical” husband is to be. And thanks that this isn’t just an admonition for others – you don’t just preach/write these truths, you practice them. Write on!
Gary:
All of your points need reflection, but I wanted to point to two examples of great writing. You include nuances that are so often missing.
“It does negate the thought of a husband who is able to work not working out of selfishness or laziness.”
“Offering a body and brain that’s broken down due to neglect or indulgence … is like feasting at a restaurant and giving our wives the option of licking the plate. That’s not generous; it’s gross.”
You, sir, have learned your craft and art!
Thank up Gary, the article is a blessing for me.
This is a wonderful post, Gary, and so bang on. Thank you. You always point people to Jesus. It’s so evident in what you write.
Thank you Sheila!
Thank you so much for this article. I am one of the blessed few to have a Biblical husband. He’s not perfect, but he’s mine. He loves the Lord and seeks earnestly to love me and our children as Christ loves. I am honored to be his wife. This article was definitely a great read because as I went through each point, I realized again and could express my thankfulness, that my husband DOES practice these things. 🙂
Sarah, that’s so wonderful and encouraging to hear. As you can see from other comments, it’s not universal. Can I ask you to do a favor? Tell your husband what you told us. Choose a few of the points that particularly stand out and let him know you notice and appreciate him for it.
Thank you, Gary, when reading this post I was so grateful because I, too, can find my husband in your description. I appreciate your response to Sarah and will tell my husband how much I appreciate him, specifically referring to the points of your article. Also, I already bought “Loving him well”: apparently it’s the time to actually read it!
Too bad my husband didn’t do these things. It would have prevented our divorce last month. I could overlook alot, but not the criticism, short temper, disregard, and contempt, any of which could appear from one day to the next. This is why I’m divorced at age 67. The last thing I ever would have imagined in my lifetime story.
Gary,
My husband has always been harsh. I can’t give this article to my husband.
Every pastor needs to have this article to give out to the men in his congregation. Please send to the pastors ! ! !
Blessings, Sue
Why can’t you give this to him?
I’d imagine it would push her husband away or lead him to anger or resentment. My husband would say something like, “Gee, thanks. Another way to show me how I’m failing in life.”
Gary, Thank you for writing this. It helps me to know that I’m not totally off base thinking that my husband should at least try some of these things. This post has also inspired me to go back and re-read Loving Him Well.
Interesting stuff. Too bad the publishers don’t want material aimed at men since we are to be the initiators and the spiritual leaders.
Then again, would we men buy such a book?
Well Gary, You did it again. You shined the light of God into my heart. One thing that I admire about you is that you have never claimed to have it all together. You simply challenge me with great love to follow you as you follow God. This morning’s blog should be on the “To Do” list of every man that loves God. Would I want anyone treat my daughter the way that I treat God’s daughter? A great side note here is that I am training my daughter what is acceptable in the way she is loved and treated by her husband. Now or future.
I personally am going to share this word with the MEN in my life. In my opinion, this is just plain, a call to Holiness. Help me Jesus!
Thank you again for calling us UP to be the people that God created us to be. I love you brother and am praying that Jesus continues to speak His Truth through you.
Wow. If a man loves a woman like this, she would never want to look elsewhere!
This should be the half-time Super Bowl message 🤣 I love everything you have to say and have prayed that the Spirit would bring this message to my husband’s inbox today (without my interaction or intervention of course!) and to all men. It should be preached at pulpits on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. I don’t think it is a lack of interest as much as it is a lack of being taught these biblical truths. And I think it is just as important for wives to assess that too. I also love your full stop with commentary in each step of Corinthians…sometimes that scripture read aloud at weddings is like a poem that sounds beautiful in its language but is easily deleted from action. I like your stopping to think about the application of each process.
I Think wives can do this too…we should all be living Corinthians that way…step by step application.
In all relationships. I think we would experience refreshment in our hearts and souls. Thanks for this Gary.
Haha! Agreed!
I read this post, then texted my friend (who also reads Gary’s blog):
“I kept visualizing the phones of husbands all over the world blowing up with the texts as their wives forward them the link to Gary Thomas’s blog today. 🤣”
All joking aside: I’m a wife and a Christian and anytime I get too smug over these kinds of posts the Lord gently reminds me there are plenty of people who I am pretty crummy at loving like He loves me.
So very humbled by the love of a kind God to let us grow in maturity.
Thanks Gary!
Are publishers unwilling to publish books with men as the primary audience because men don’t read? Just curious.
Rebekah: whether it’s “read” or “buy,” the market for male-exclusive books is much, much smaller than female-oriented books. A few books (like John Eldredge’s Wild at Heart or Patrick Morley’s Man in the Mirror) have broken through, but publishing is, after all a business, and a business model won’t do well if it hopes to “catch lightning in a bottle.”
I think that is one of the main reasons! The vast majority of relationship books are bought by women. I do think men listen to podcasts, though, so it could be that with changing technology, men will still have a way to get great information.
True. For me – although I love to read – much of the reading must be job-related, especially since it saves much time figuring things out (think computers and music).
I can listen to a podcast in the car, or while doing something physical (yardwork, straightening the office…).