After I had been hitting my head against a wall dealing with a toxic individual, asking myself “Why?” and “How do I fix this/handle this/deal with this?” a wise friend, Dr. Steve Wilke, dispensed some life-changing advice. He urged me not to deal with it but to simply walk away.
“I want you to go through the book of Luke and count how many times Jesus walked away from people or let people walk away from Him. You’ll be amazed.”
As I’ve said before, I’m not clinically OCD, but I live in the neighborhood right next door to it, so when a counselor tells me to count something in the book of Luke, I have to go through all four Gospels. I documented every case and came up with forty-one instances (all of them are listed in an appendix of When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People). While some of the citations refer to the same incident, and of course others might disagree with some of my interpretations, there are still at least a couple dozen occasions where an interaction with Jesus didn’t result in the other person agreeing or changing, and Jesus let the situation stay that way. Jesus didn’t give chase or further explanation, and he didn’t question himself or count himself a failure.
This was life-changing for me. I always looked at such interactions as failures on my part. Perhaps I wasn’t hearing God correctly. Maybe there’s just something annoying about me. Maybe I was lacking in my knowledge of the Word or was too compromised by sin or hidden attitudes. If only I could get closer to God and walk with more integrity, then that person would change and/or see the truth.
In other words, it was usually what is wrong with me?
But nothing, of course, was ever wrong with Jesus, so maybe I was asking the wrong question.
Some of you may, like me, come across a toxic person who—as an analogy—has horrendous breath, and if you’re like me, your first thought is, “What’s wrong with my nose? God, would you please heal my nose? I don’t want to think that this person stinks. Probably I’m being too sensitive or setting this person off. Please, fix me.”
But the problem isn’t your nose. The problem is the toxic person’s bad breath. Your nose is actually God’s protection, telling you there’s a problem and to stay (or walk) away.
Some of you won’t understand how willing some of us are to let ourselves be bullied or to blame ourselves or to think we’re the problem. For those of you who can relate, I believe When to Walk Away can offer some much-needed and life-changing perspective. It was astonishing to me to read the Bible with Dr. Wilke’s perspective. While not all of the forty-one occurrences could be interpreted as necessarily engaging “toxic” people (some were just needy people or close-minded people), Jesus displayed a unique freedom to speak the truth and let the person choose whether to take it further. Sometimes, even when people begged Jesus to stay, He still felt tremendous freedom to leave and disappoint them. I saw how Jesus responded exclusively to His Heavenly Father’s will (even above His immediate family), not the flattery, needs, or attacks of people. I wanted that freedom, and spent an entire year reading the Bible through that “walk away” lens, coming away astonished at all that was “new” in the Bible that I had read dozens and dozens of times.
Here’s just one example of Jesus walking away, taken as an excerpt from the book:
One of the most painful passages for me to read in Scripture occurs after Jesus demonstrates His power before a city by sending an entire herd of pigs tumbling over a cliff.
Having been visited by Jesus, these farmers were among the most blessed people in the history of the world by getting to hear God speaking in the flesh. When Jesus got in the way of their pig farming though, the loss of their business blinded them to the glory of the person standing in front of them. In a crude sense, this town chose pork chops over salvation: “Then the whole town went out to meet Jesus. And when they saw him, they pleaded with him to leave their region” (Matthew 8:34).
Can you imagine an entire town looking at Jesus—the Messiah we love, the one we wish we could talk to face to face, the one we’d pay a years’ salary to get a personal audience with for one hour—and pleading with Him to leave?
And yet Jesus didn’t argue. We’re told that “Jesus stepped into a boat, crossed over and came to his own town” (Matt. 9:1-2)
He walked (or in this case sailed) away.
There’s a terrible messianic complex in many of us that thinks if we were more intelligent, a little holier, if we fasted and prayed a bit more, then everyone we shared the truth with would agree with us and welcome God into their hearts.
That didn’t happen for the real Messiah and it certainly won’t happen for us. It’s okay to walk away when people resist the truth. And it’s okay to let them walk away.
How do we know when to walk away? How do we distinguish between “toxic” people and “difficult” people? (It’s very important to do so.) How do we balance the Bible’s call to love the “unlovable” with Jesus’ example and admonition to “shake the dust off your feet” (Matt. 10:14)? What do we do when the toxic person is a family member or works at our office? That’s what this book explores, and it applies this principle to every relationship you can imagine: work, friends, family, church, etc.
I’m excited to finally be able to share all that God has taught me. After Dr. Wilke challenged me, it felt like I had been given a brand-new pair of glasses that helped me see clearly where before I had been blinded to so many obvious truths.
How You Can Help Spread the Word
In today’s publishing world, I can’t overstate the importance of pre-orders for a book’s success. Pre-orders alert the publisher and sellers that there’s an interest. Publishers and book sellers are, in the end, businesses that become very interested in something that shows the potential to take off. When you pre-order a book, it’s like purchasing three books after it comes out. If you purchase a book for yourself and two friends before it comes out, it’s like you’ve just purchased ten books. If you think this is a message that you and others could benefit from, please consider pre-ordering from wherever you buy your books: your local bookstore, Amazon, Christian Book Distributors, Barnes and Noble, etc. When these entities see early interest, they’ll take the lead in featuring it and you’ll help spread the word even wider. I would be so very grateful for each reader who takes the time to do this. And you don’t have all that long to wait; the date of publication is October 8. Thank you in advance!
I haven’t read the book. Part of me hesitates, tho’ I am willing. From the title and description, my concern would be that such a title and book would not only serve those who ‘are’ actually legitimately, with sacrificial love seeking to do as much as depends on them to live at peace with all, and to promote and pursue peace — but would also serve the purposes of those who ‘do not’… thus, also creating a self-righteous/ self-exonerating withdrawers’ cult. Hope the book clearly addresses that.
C,
I try very hard to avoid that, but I’m sure some will use it for less than noble purposes. Sacred Marriage has also been misapplied, in my view. When I say God can use difficult marriages to shape us, some took that to mean we should encourage people to stay in abusive homes. That breaks my heart. I spoke with a magazine writer about how I believe When to Walk Away may also be misapplied, and she pointed out to me that the Bible is misapplied and misinterpreted every day. All we can do is put out the truth, work hard to be as clear as we can, but in the end, every reader is responsible for how she/he takes that word, tests it against Scripture, and applies it under God’s guidance.
I can’t wait to get my hands on this book. The timing of this book is essential for the times we are living. I have for many years stayed in toxic relationships thinking I could change the other person. They would somehow suddenly start treating me with love and respect. Thank you for dealing with this subject matter.
My husband and I have attended Second for many years and ALWAYS love it when you speak. You are truly inspired by our Lord and know just what we need.
Thank you Janell!
Gary, I needed this book a long time ago! Oh, the guilt and shame I felt at not being able to resolve relational difficulties with a toxic person! Can’t wait to read it and will share it on my pages!!!
Gary,
Your books have been inspirational during some particularly dark periods in my life when I needed Christ more that I knew. They helped frame expectations for myself and my wife and gave me a roadmap back to the bible and to a better marriage. I have never met you, but you have truly been a blessing to me. I pre-ordered two copies and hope your sales are truly incredible. God bless you.
Dan, this touches me so deeply. Thank you and bless you. I’m honored God has used me in your life in this way
Preordered and looking forward to reading it. I am currently reading Every Body Matters for about the fifth time. Yes, I am a slow learner but there is much wisdom and encouragement in the pages. Thank you, Dr. Thomas!
Thank you Sandy. And what you said about re-reading EBM is about the best compliment you can give an author. Thank you so much!
How about a toxic mil who still has her apron strings wrapped around my husband and he doesn’t mind nor does he really notice any toxicity, I’m the only Christian here and it gets pretty tough…? Oh and I forgot to mention to two sister in laws who are “very close” to him and arrange and plan things through him and I mostly have to fit in but there is no honor and it’s been 20yrs?
Rene,
WTWA does get into in-law and extended family relationships…
I’ve been questioning one of my friendships. Can’t figure out if the friend is toxic and I should walk away as much as possible (not in a situation where I can completely remove the person from my life) or is difficult because of an arduous and ongoing journey to surrender of self and faith in Jesus Christ,and thus I should keep putting in the effort to be a friend. It’s challenging especially when the friend is sometimes unkind.
I’ve preordered the book and hope it will give me some insight. Thank you!
Thanks, R. I spend a good bit of time trying to help us distinguish between “difficult” people and “toxic” people. I’d be interested in hearing if you think I’ve succeeded after you read it.
The toxic person in my life is my drug addicted, sociopathic, narcissistic son. We all had to delete him from our lives until he changes. I love and pray for him but cannot allow him in our lives.
Thank you so much, Gary, for your wonderful insights and all your great books! Several years ago, distressed at seeing those I love drift away from our Faith, I remember being struck by Jesus letting so many of His disciples walk away. I remember thinking “why doesn’t He stop them? Tell them that He not only has the Truth, but He IS the Truth?!” Not only did Jesus let these disciples walk away without a word in rebuke or pleading – But then He even went on to ask His 12 closest friends, the Apostles, “Do you also want to leave?” That impacted me greatly, I stopped trying to “convince” others and began working more on myself, cultivating a deeper, closer relationship with Jesus.
Maria, that is such a telling and moving aspect of Jesus’ life on earth, isn’t it? It affected me in the same way.
My toxic relationship is with my husband with kids & no job, makes walking away a bit harder.
Dito!
I wish I could say “Beam me up, Scotty!” to get out of this situation I am caught in since about 10 years … praying led me to a more tense relationship to my Lord but hardly to a way out of suffering. I am waiting for my chance to come and hope for Jesus showing me the way out soon! Don’t give up but trust in him.
PS. Is there a possibility to order Your book in Germany?
Pre-ordered! I’m SO EXCITED for this book, Gary. I spent fifteen years married to a malignant narcissist, and the church’s general advice was to “continue praying and fasting, because God will bless your obedience.”
This advice basically left me alone, seeking God’s will on my own. Not my will, not the church’s will, not my family’s will — God’s will. Everything eventually boiled down to whether REPENTANCE was present and genuine or not. The church’s faulty thinking that forgiveness and reconciliation are unconditional is not only wrong but unbiblical — and incredibly damaging for those married to toxic spouses.
I have boiled down all those years of suffering and learning into three basic statements:
Change what can be changed. (Basically, myself. Sacred Marriage material!)
Accept what can’t be changed. (Lower my expectations for others.)
Remove from my life what is unacceptable. (Abusive, toxic people.)
Oh how I wish I had know these three simple truths in the first year of my marriage. But thank God that He released me from that toxic spouse!
Sorry, I know I’m preaching to the choir in this comment, but I felt compelled to share both my experience, what I learned, and my excitement that you are addressing this important topic in a new book. So grateful for all you do to teach and encourage the body of Christ!
Sarah
Amen!
Wow! This is really a hard subject for me. I have been praying over this for some time and I am very grateful to have come across this post. Thank you for sharing!
I think God Himself leaves a toxic person to his or her own desires. Unless we all come back to God in the name of Jesus and ask for forgiveness and become born again that’s the one and only way back to God. As simple as this sounds but it’s too difficult for toxic people. Blessings to you.
That’s what this book explores, and it applies this principle to every relationship you can imagine: work, friends, family, church, etc.
How about a toxic MARRIAGE?
Louise,
Yes, I address marriage quite a bit. There are several chapters that set up my conclusions in the marriage chapter, and then a follow-up chapter about a couple’s experience of leaving mutual toxic behavior behind. And marriage examples abound, as you might expect.
I really hate waiting but because you’ve given me such good content all this time, I pre-ordered! But I am still NOT happy to wait:)
Just pre-ordered in hardcover. Sounds like a helpful book, full of insight and clarity. Thanks Gary.
Thank you Marcus! A fellow writer understands what’s going on here. I really appreciate that.
Wow, Gary. Excellent insight, particularly relevant in our day when believers are being attacked by the “tolerant” and struggling with “what did they do wrong.”
Pre-ordered and can’t wait!
Thank you Frances!
I can hardly wait to read your book; my toxic person is my 91-year-old father, and it doesn’t seem possible to walk away.
Thank you so much for addressing this issue. I’ve often thought that there are not enough sermons for people who tend to allow others to treat them poorly. Many have a long steady diet in the church of “turning the other cheek” or loving others above yourself (and not hearing that sermon from the perspective of a person who is highly empathetic and needs boundaries around it). This came at a great time for me! I do tend to think first about what is wrong with me, when it’s often clear to others, it is the other person. I see relational conflict as the biggest failure, and I often remain in toxic situations for too long. I’m off to Amazon now! Thanks for addressing an issue that is highly under-addressed by preachers/teachers who tend toward a lens of “we are all selfish and need to be more giving” instead of the lens of a person who gives too much and needs to know when to release people to their own decisions!
So grateful for these pre-orders Corri! Bless you!
You’re timing is if no coincidence
Thank you 🙏😊
Thank YOU, Gary! I was in the room with you and your wife at the APSATS conference after your first talk -and before your second talk. What a day! Thank you both for listening!!