“If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.” Luke 14:26
What does it mean to “hate” someone we are elsewhere called to sacrificially love? We are told to love even our enemies, yet Jesus here tells us to hate some of our closest family members. What could that mean?
Hatred here is Semitic hyperbole. In essence, it means “love less than.” There are times when our love and allegiance to God may be at odds with human loyalties; in those cases, love for God, His light and the way of truth, must always prevail.
It’s okay (actually, commendable) for me to love the Seattle Seahawks. But if my wife needs me to take her to the hospital in the middle of a game or needs me to pay her some attention, I have to act like I hate the Seahawks and not even consider my love for them in service to my wife.
Let’s apply this principle in regards to how the church views marriage and divorce.
I recently spoke at a long-standing North American woman’s conference and was overwhelmed by the quantity and horrific nature of things wives are having to put up with in their marriages. Between sessions, I was bombarded by heartfelt inquiries: “What does a wife do when her husband does this? Or that? Or keeps doing this?” It broke my heart. I felt like I needed to take a dozen showers that weekend.
This may sound like a rant, but please hang with me, as I think this conference was a divine appointment. I can’t get this out of my mind.
One wife began our conversation with, “God hates divorce, right?”
“Yes,” I said. “I believe He does.”
“So I’ve just got to accept what’s happening in my marriage, right?”
When she told me what was happening, I quickly corrected her. “If the cost of saving a marriage is destroying a woman, the cost is too high. God loves people more than he loves institutions.”
Her husband is a persistent porn addict. He has neglected her sexually except to fulfill his own increasingly bent desires. He keeps dangling divorce over her head, which makes her feel like a failure as a Christian. He presented her with a list of five things he wanted to do that he saw done in porn, and if she wasn’t willing, he was through with the marriage. She agreed to four of them, but just couldn’t do the fifth. And she feels guilty.
God hates divorce, right?
This is monstrous and vile. This woman needs to be protected from such grotesque abuse, and if divorce is the only weapon to protect her, then the church should thank God such a weapon exists.
A young wife, barely in her twenties, held a baby in a blanket and looked at me with tears. Her husband has a huge temper problem. He’s made her get out of the car on a highway with her baby, twice. “But both times he came back for us,” she said in his defense when I looked absolutely appalled. They were separated and she was living with her parents. She wanted to know if she should take him back because his psychiatrist supposedly said there wasn’t anything really wrong with him. Her husband doesn’t think he has a problem that, in fact, the problem is with her “lack of forgiveness.”
They had been married only three years and she had already lived through more torment (I’m not telling the full story) than a woman should face in a lifetime. My thoughts weren’t at all about how to “save” the marriage, but to ease her conscience and help her prepare for a new life—without him.
Church, God hates it when a woman is sexually degraded and forced to do things that disgust her. It should also make us want to vomit.
When a young man is so immature he puts his wife’s and baby’s life in danger on a highway (amongst other things), the thought that we’re worried about the “appropriateness” of divorce shows that our loyalties are with human institutions, not the divine will.
As Kevin DeYoung so ably puts it, “Every divorce is the result of sin, but not every divorce is sinful.”
Another woman told me about putting up with her husband’s appalling behavior for over forty years. I was invited to look in her face, see the struggle, see the heroic perseverance, but also be reminded that counsel has consequences. So when I talk to a young woman in her third year of marriage and it’s clear she’s married to a monster, and someone wants to “save” the marriage, I want them to realize they are likely sentencing her to four decades of abuse, perhaps because of a choice she made as a teenager. When these men aren’t confronted, and aren’t repentant, they don’t change.
Jesus said what he said about divorce to protect women, not to imprison them. Divorce was a weapon foisted against women in the first century, not one they could use, and it almost always left them destitute if their family of origin couldn’t or wouldn’t step up.
How does it honor the concept of “Christian marriage” to enforce the continuance of an abusive, destructive relationship that is slowly squeezing all life and joy out of a woman’s soul? Our focus has to be on urging men to love their wives like Christ loves the church, not on telling women to put up with husbands mistreating their wives like Satan mistreats us. We should confront and stop the work of Satan, not enable it.
Look, I hate divorce as much as anyone. I have been married for 31 years and cannot fathom leaving my wife. I have prayed with couples, counselled with couples, written blog posts and articles and books, and have travelled to 49 of the 50 states and nine different countries to strengthen marriages in the church. By all accounts, I believe I’ve been an ambassador for improving and growing marriages.
The danger of what I’m saying is clear and even a little scary to me, because no marriage is easy. Every marriage must overcome hurt, pain, and sin. No husband is a saint, in the sense that every husband will need to be forgiven and will be troublesome and even hurtful at times to live with. I’m not talking about the common struggles of living with a common sinner, or every man and woman could pursue divorce. (There are many men who live with abuse and could “biblically” pursue a divorce as well.) Charging someone with “abuse” when it doesn’t truly apply is almost as evil as committing abuse, so we need to be careful we don’t bear “false witness” against a spouse to convince ourselves and others that we can legitimately pursue divorce to get out of a difficult marriage.
That’s why I love how some churches will meet with a couple and hear them out to give them some objective feedback, helping them to distinguish between normal marital friction and abusive behavior. Some women need to hear, “No, this isn’t normal. It’s abuse. You don’t have to put up with that.” Others need to hear, “We think what you’re facing are the normal difficulties of marriage and with counseling they can be overcome.” There’s no way a blog post (or even a book) can adequately anticipate all such questions.
I love marriage—even the struggles of marriage, which God can truly use to grow us and shape us—but I hate it when God’s daughters are abused. And I will never defend a marriage over a woman’s emotional, spiritual, and physical health.
I went back to my hotel room after that woman’s conference and almost felt like I had to vomit. I don’t know how God stands it, having to witness such horrific behavior leveled at his daughters.
Enough is enough!
Jesus says there are “levels” of love, and times when one loyalty must rise over another. Our loyalty to marriage is good and noble and true. But when loyalty to a relational structure allows evil to continue it is a false loyalty, even an evil loyalty.
Christian leaders and friends, we have to see that some evil men are using their wives’ Christian guilt and our teaching about the sanctity of marriage as a weapon to keep harming them. I can’t help feeling that if more women started saying, “This is over” and were backed up by a church that enabled them to escape instead of enabling the abuse to continue, other men in the church, tempted toward the same behavior, might finally wake up and change their ways.
Christians are more likely to have one-income families, making some Christian wives feel even more vulnerable. We have got to clean up our own house. We have got to say “Enough is enough.” We have got to put the fear of God in some terrible husbands’ hearts, because they sure don’t fear their wives and their lack of respect is leading to ongoing deplorable behavior.
I want a man who was abusive to have to explain to a potential second wife why his saintly first wife left him. Let men realize that behavior has consequences, and that wives are supposed to be cherished, not used, not abused, and never treated as sexual playthings. If a man wants the benefit and companionship of a good woman, let him earn it, and re-earn it, and let him know it can be lost.
Enough is enough.
I know I’m ranting. But I don’t think it was an accident that I was constantly stopped at that woman’s conference and forced to hear despicable story after despicable story (“forced” isn’t the right word. I could, of course, have walked away). I think God wanted me to see the breadth and depth of what is going on, and in this case, perhaps to be His voice.
Message received! We are called to love marriage, but when marriage enables evil, we should hate it (love it less) in comparison to a woman’s welfare.
The disease of alcoholism is often a participant in abusive relationships. My marriage to an alcoholic was a difficult one. We were in trouble at 10 years and done at 20, yet God had another plan. We recently celebrated our 51st anniversary and our family has been completely redeemed through the blood of Jesus.
Early on, God got me into the rooms of Al-Anon. Through their love and support, I got the tools to put feet to my Christian walk. It was a very difficult time in my life, with 3 young children in our home and my mother passing away right after our youngest was born. Jesus never left my side.
When my boundaries were crossed for the last time, I filed for divorce. That was the instrument God used to get my husband into the beginning of his recovery. Even in recovery, the work is hard but Jesus carried us through.
Now 30 years sober, a godly man in his church, community and family, my husband shares his love for his Savior wherever and whenever he can.
In spite of what many people think, recovery is a very God-centered program. Those who do not know God or have any faith have to at least look at God and come to an understanding of Who He is in their own lives. It is only a short step from sobriety to salvation.
We both continue to attend meetings in AA and Al-Anon, carrying the message wherever God leads us, which includes jails and prisons. We would not have this ‘ministry’ if Jesus had not been our Hope and our Redeemer.
If alcohol or drugs are part of the abusive problem, I encourage you to check out AA and Al-Anon. You will not be judged or criticized, only loved and cherished. And it is very confidential. We learn to trust here.
Gary, I cannot thank you enough for writing this article. Having a Bible-believing, Bible-preaching man say these things publicly sends an important message to everyone: women, men, and hopefully church pastors and leaders who are providing counsel to married couples.
Thirty years ago, while my dad was traveling for the summer, my mom called a pastor from the yellow pages in order to get some help with their marriage issues. She was raising 7 children in a 50 x 9 foot trailer out in the sticks of the northwest United States with no running water, no indoor plumbing, no phone, and a post office box which my dad held the key to. He had isolated us from community: no extended family, no neighbors, no friends, no church, no pastor, no brothers and sisters in Christ. He was the head of the family and the pastor, and that was all we needed. The eldest had already been booted from the home, and their 9th child was on the way. Her only lifeline to the outside world was listening to the Focus on the Family radio broadcast when dad was outside.
That pastor from the yellow pages, only in his early thirties at the time, after listening to all of the psychological, emotional, and physical abuse that was occurring at the hands of her husband, offered his advice that my mom should consider leaving. He could tell that the combination of oppression, isolation, and mental illness meant there was no recourse – no pastor or other Christians to confront or correct my dad, and therefore virtually no hope of change. Things were on a continued trajectory in a very sick and dangerous direction.
The advice of that pastor saved all of our lives, and quite literally saved mine. I was that 9th child, born by emergency C-section exactly 3 months after my mom flew across the country and away from my dad with the five youngest children, ages 10, 8, 6, 4, and 2. We started a new life and my mom quickly found a great church that we were part of for the next few decades. God miraculously and graciously saved me and many of my siblings, and I’m grateful for that pastoral counsel that the Lord provided to my mom in a time of desperate need. Thank you again for your public words on this topic.
Gary,
I too have lived with a violent and emotionaly abusive spouse for nine years. The amount of fear I have of him has had me running to my sisters house for six of those years to get away and be safe. We are separated for over a year now. My church family, one elder specifically is helping us get back together and we’ve made great progress on my part and a little on his. He won’t return home because he says he’s afraid of what he might do to the family with his temper. He has no regard for me in any way spiritually, sexually, emotionally or physically. He’s put us in financial ruin and even after being rebuked is still spending. I’m constantly hurt by his selfishness and lack of interest in his family (we have three children) yet I’m told to move slowly with wisdom when it comes to being the wife Gods called me to be to him. I’ve been the godly wife he wants and needs, yet he still walks out my door every night to return to his home. I can’t take it anymore. How long must I be hurt by this person who takes no initiative in the covenant he made to me? I could never figure out why God would want me to be in constant pain just to keep my marriage in tact while dying on the inside. I’m tired of the games and pain he inflicts on me and my children. What does this mean for me? Would you say live the rest of your life separated or do you feel strongly that divorce is ok? I feel Enough is enough already.
If you’ve already had to separate yourself from his violence that often, and if he admits he’s afraid to be around the family because he’s not sure he can control himself, that’s all you need to know that it’s not safe to be with him. You need to work with an experienced counselor, though, who can help you make this a safer separation. Violence can escalate in these circumstances. And then you’ll want to see pastoral care to figure out where to go from here.
An abusive marriage affects more than a husband and wife. It also can have a profound effect on the children. It makes me ill for self-righteous “Christians” who have never experienced the living hell of warring parents to trot out the “God hates divorce” bromide. Those people must believe that God hates children more. My mother was an abuser, emotional not physical. She was also a conservative evangelical Christian and the model of a Christian wife and mother. We were at church every time the doors were open and we filled a pew. We were often held up as the standard that a family should aspire to. No one ever knew what went on at home. Every child in my family is scarred for life because our parents persisted in this sham for 30 years. My father finally left her, and married a sweet lovely Christian widow, with whom he happily spent the rest of his life. God may hate divorce, but he loves us and does not expect us to be martyrs to abuse.
woooowwwwww … you’re mentioning my life, to a certain extent…. I grew up feeling as if I were nothing but a worthless piece of trash.
Please talk about the children. How can a woman, abused or not, leave a man who is a “good father” and is adored by his children? When the abuse is covert and carried out through coded threats and passive aggression, they don’t understand when they are small, but the home is always a hostile one for the wife. How can she justify leaving when she is the only one who benefits? How can she justify leaving when she knows it will absolutely destroy her children? Wouldn’t that be selfish? Shouldn’t she just stay and endure as long as her children aren’t being mistreated?
Thank you for saying this, Anonymous. You have just described my dilemma exactly.
As a 23 year old woman who just this year witnessed her parents’ divorce after years of abuse that I was not always aware of as a young child, I can say that the whole “stay together for the kids sake” argument is ultimately futile and more damaging to the children than you would imagine. In my view, my parents’ divorce was 20 years too late, and I cannot believe what my mother put up with during her marriage. And she didn’t even want the divorce! My father abandoned us and forced her into the divorce. I shudder to think of what could’ve happened to her if he instead stayed in house with her. I won’t share my whole story because it would take too long, but I will say that as a young adult, I have developed very skewed views of what honorable Christian marriage is supposed to look like, and what true, godly love really means. Staying in an abusive marriage until the kids grow up and move out will cause emotional harm to your adult children. They will realize that they were fed a lie for their entire lives. They will wonder what healthy boundaries between a husband and wife should be. Their fears and insecurities will come to the surface, and they may become entirely cynical to the idea of marriage. I have experienced all these emotions, and I am just now having to force myself to detox my mind and relearn what God’s intent and design for marriage actually is.
I know this is really hard, especially if your kids are oblivious and your husband treats them well, but I’m telling you – in the long run, they will be better off, because they will understand what is and isn’t okay in a marriage, and they will be healthier adults because of it. I’m praying for you and your family! God bless.
Is this a person question for a situation you yourself are facing? Please understand that your children are much smarter than they appear and even as early as babyhood may be picking up on the subtle nuances of the relationship that you and your husband have. They are learning that the behavior is normal and acceptable. They are learning that this is what “love” looks like. they are learning to identify with either the behavior of the abuser or the abused.
Abusive relationships ALWAYS get worse. Whatever you are putting up with today WILL be worse tomorrow. Why? Because abuse is like a drug to an abuser. They abuse to gain power and vent their hurt on someone safe. But the more they abuse, the more they have to abuse to get the feeling of relief that they get from it. Also, once they realize they can get away with a certain behavior, and get used to viewing you in a new low of disrespect, they will always sink to that low place. They go to lower and lower levels of disrespect.
YOU have to raise the bar of what you will accept in your life, and refuse to let the other person decide what the lowest thing they will put you through. YOU decide, not them. Of course, that is all much easier said than done. You ARE right in assuming that leaving will come with hardships and much heartache for everyone. What you have to decide is how much it is costing you to stay. Your emotional wellbeing? Confidence? Security? Your giftings and callings? Your inner strength and resiliency? Peace? Joy? Love? Your health? Relationships?
Whatever it is costing you, how much more of those things are you willing to lose before you make choices that will protect those priceless gifts. Do keep in mind, that as you lose more of these things, and as more time passes and as the abuse escalates, all of this is bound to affect the children in more and more overt ways.
But all of that is overwhelming to a woman with small children. I would take some baby steps by secretly setting up an appointment with a counselor at a local womens’ crisis organization and ONLY see therapists or counselors (ESPECIALLY marriage counselors) who have been trained to recognize and deal with abuse. DO NOT ever go into marriage counseling with your spouse with a therapist who has not been abuse trained. A manipulative abuser can persuade a well meaning counselor that YOU are the problem.
Grace and peace to you, and may you take the open doors offered to you to find solutions to this difficult situation.
My exact situation.
I ultimately left for my children, not in spite of them. I didn’t want them to grow up thinking that’s how a “Christian” man should treat his wife. The generations of abuse stops with my children.
This is exactly how I feel. My daughter adores her dad, but at the same time, sees how he is and what he’s doing, but then she says she’s scared we will get divorced. I don’t want my daughter to be raised thinking this behavior is acceptable or how she should be treated. And financially i can’t get out right now…
A dad who abuses through covert and coded threats and passive aggression is not a “good father”. Children see everything. They are seeing how a woman should “really be treated” – if Dad does it/says it then I can, too. She needs to take the kids and leave. While there might not be physical abuse to the children, they are being emotionally and mentally abused. How often do they think if it happens to mom when will it happen to me?
Children are being exposed to that and it can damage them. They see it, and they will either follow the example of abuse or fall victim’s themselves. My father provided for us, he was a “good father”…yet I was emotionally abusive to my mother. And then, as we got older, the abuse turned to us as well. His view of love was twisted. I wished every day for my mom to leave him. I moved out at the first opportunity. It is never selfish to leave an abusive home and take the kids. Even if they’re not being abused, it effects them. People don’t always know that. They feel it, they will sometime try to stop it themselves (personal experience, which has left me emotionally scarred for the rest of my life). My ex is a “good father”…I am chosing to walk away because my babies do not deserve to be surrounded my emotional and physical abuse. My two year old freaks out if I’m goofing off with family, tickling and horsing around. He starts screaming and crying. He’s only two…he knew and understood what his father was doing. And now it has skewed his views of horsing around. Abuse effects children, no one can deny that.
They always always understand.
~ Child of abusive “Christian” father
~paying for the sins of my fathers
~been depressed my whole life
~have many chronic illnesses
~trust me, I knew.
Well this is difficult to read because I am an advocate for men that are dealing with emotional and verbal abuse in their relationships. I do truly feel deep sadness for women that stay in these relationships, yet I have witnessed horrible atrocities by women on their husbands, then using the silver bullet and accusing the husband of the very same things that they are actually doing, so that the courts will give the children to the mother along with a substantial support payment. Thanks for sharing. I think.
Erica,
For the record, I’ve benefited from some of those writers. The Reformed tent is a wide one, historically speaking, if you consider it from its founding. Let’s keep the focus on this one issue and not use various strains of one application to slam an entire movement.
Debby,
I can’t respond to a general attack. If you think there is a passage for which I need to repent in one of my previous books, I’m open to that if you point it out, but I don’t believe I’ve written anything before contradicts what I say in this blog post. Perhaps people have jumped to their own applications of my words, but I don’t see this as me saying something new.
Gary this isn’t just to about women (or men facing abuse) but about men too: Men who are not confronted, who do not repent, who do not have resources to make change and whose wives DO leave will suffer – there is ample evidence that unmarried men have much worse health outcomes as they grow older than single women do. I long to see the church insist – repeatedly – that men claiming to be followers of Jesus start dealing with their mental health issues and responsibilities. Yes, you need to see a therapist if your anger gets in the way of communication! Yes, you really DO have to refrain from abusing porn! Why aren’t these expectations preached with the same intensity as the insistence that God hates divorce?!
My former husband withheld food from me; he was with another woman repeatedly for years; he decided my severe post-partum depression was ‘selfishness’ and ‘navel gazing’ and prevented me from getting medical attention when I could not help myself and had two young children to care for. Counseling for his own profound issues was out of the question for him, which is a tragedy of its own because each abuser is a beloved child of God. And the church response was typical…prayer and a Christian counselor are all you need. Yeeeeeah no.
By the grace of God I was provided with the resources to leave. The Jesus of the Gospels valued my life over the picture on the Christmas card. Jesus cared more for my life than ensuring my family didn’t have to tell anyone uncomfortable news at Bible study.
Now, a decade and a half into a splendid marriage supported by a therapist who specializes in “helping men without taking away their cojones,” now I really get why the Lord LOVES marriage. With a responsible husband who has a heart for Jesus AND the common sense to care for his own mental health, marriage is fantastic!
Oh thank you for posting this! The leaders of my church counseled me to stay in my abusive marriage…to just stay separated but not divorce. My exhusband then would have free reign to come to my house and terrorize me and my children. I felt horrible guilt for going through with a divorce when three different pastors told me I should stay married. Thank God I got away! Thank God my children got away! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
My dear Sisters, I am writing, as a survivor myself, to encourage you and offer some eye-opening resources. Like many of you, I have run in fear for my life, been spoken to constantly in a tone of contempt, called filthy names at times in front of my children, been humiliated in public, had my most intimate secrets used against me, been blamed endlessly, had the essence of my soul stolen, and so much more. Yes, words cannot do justice to the experience. It was horrible.
Jesus was a servant leader – not a dictator. He gave his life for his bride. He modeled this type of behavior and love for our husbands. Abusive husbands are breaking our marriage covenant when they are abusive toward us. At one marriage conference I attended the speaker encouraged us to put our husband’s name in the scripture: Love is patient, Love is kind, etc. When I did that I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I couldn’t breathe and felt sick to my stomach at the realization that the exact opposite was true of my husband.
But my story doesn’t end with me stranded in an abusive relationship left to live out my days traumatized and striped of my dignity and God-given value. By God’s grace, my story is one of redemption. Not only did I find freedom from abuse for me and my 3-year-old twins, but through my experience God breathed life into a Christian Domestic Violence non-profit called Hagar’s Sisters. Now, 13 years after my own separation and ultimately a divorce, Hagar’s Sisters serves hundreds of women each year. We speak the truth about God’s disdain for abuse (whether the perpetrator is a man or a woman) and his desire for us to live in safety. Perhaps some of the stories transformation on our (soon to be redesigned) website http://www.HagarsSisters.org will bring you hope.
There are other resources I would recommend highly such as Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He Do That or Patricia Evans book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. These are two of the the books that are most helpful to the women we serve as they begin to unravel the confusion around their experience. Please keep in mind if you do read the book, that your abusive partner may be provoked if they know about the book.
As mentioned above, couples counseling is most definitely not recommended in situations of abuse because of the dangerous possibilities they create. Abuse is not about anger. It is about power and control. And thus, anger management doesn’t work. Instead a batterer intervention program is the only way to address the beliefs that lead to abusive behavior. If you pursue a counselor, you can ask in your first conversation about their training in domestic abuse as its is crucial. If you plan to consult a Christian counselor, you can also ask what they recommend to their clients who are in abusive relationships relative to divorce and submission. If they indicate they have not had training or that even in situations of abuse divorce is not an option, further emotional damage to you is possible.
Finally, choose wisely whom you tell. Don’t throw your pearls to swine. A wise and emotionally healthy person or person from a domestic violence agency, who will not violate your confidence, judge you or tell you what you should do, are the only ones you should confide in in the short term until you get some answers. Perhaps your church leaders are among those who fit these criteria but perhaps they are not. If you are not sure pray fervently and wait for God’s answer before talking with them. Until you start to unravel the complex issues you are facing, it may be helpful to do all you can to keep your long-term safety in mind – win the war, not the battle.
As far as my own experience, God provided abundantly more than I could ask or imagine! He has restored the years the locusts have eaten. Most importantly, I can confidently say that I would never change my experience of abuse because of the intimate relationship I have with my Lord and Savior. I have remarried a man who, like all of us, messes up sometimes. However, I am confident that the motivations of his heart are never to inflict harm on me. My twins are 16 now and are happy and healthy. My greatest fear these days is being on the road at the same time my children are driving ;).
In closing, May “The Lord bless you and keep you; The Lord make his face shine on you, and be gracious to you; The Lord lift up his countenance on you and give you peace.”
Gary – when men speak out against abuse there is special credibility and attention given to this issue. Thank you from the deepest place in my heart for “ranting.” May God bless your ministry and continue to inspire you to use your righteous anger at this injustice to make our Christian families safe again.
Thank you, Gary! After 10 years of marriage, my mom got out, when I was 3 years old. He never hit her, but she was scared & wanted to limit the emotional abuse he was heaping on us both. 30 years later, he ended up killing his wife. She stayed in the marriage “because she had made a vow to God.” Since then, I’ve been trying to spread the message you are writing here, but conservative evangelical Christians are a stubborn bunch. Even knowing my story , people have said to me directly that divorce was wrong and a woman being abused should just separate, not get divorced. No one in my realm of influence gives weight to my words, but they already revere you, so hopefully with you having said that, they will give weight to your words. Maybe Sacred Romance needs a recall, and you could add this as a last chapter?
Gary, I noticed you didn’t interact with any scripture regarding divorce or marriage. I was wondering how your argument works with Matthew 5:31-32, Mark 10:2-12 and 1Peter 3:1-2? Most evangelicals I know promote “sticking through it” because of those scriptures. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to continue on in an abusive marriage (and the stories you mentioned are heartbreaking), but how can you advocate divorce in light of those verses?
I don’t want to counsel someone wrongly on this issue, so could you help me understand what the scripture has to say in regards to your position?
Thank you.
~Joshua
Joshua, Note that Matthew 5 is directed at men: Jesus is telling men (it was much easier for a man to legally pursue divorce) not to frivolously divorce their wives. That’s why I suggested in the post that Jesus’ words were aimed at protecting women, not imprisoning them in destructive behavior.
Mark 10 starts out the same way–addressing the activity of men–though it says (at the end) that a woman is committing adultery IF she remarries after divorcing her husband. It’s the remarriage that this passage suggests constitutes adultery, not the divorce. I didn’t address remarriage in this post, intentionally. I’m talking about women getting free from destructive behavior that is ruining them.
I don’t see how 1 Peter 3:1-2 applies at all–surely you’re not reading “submission” to be staying in a situation where a woman is being physically harmed and emotionally wrecked?
Let me just say, to everyone: we should hate divorce. Divorce is never something to be considered lightly. It’s for extreme cases. On the other hand, our fear of divorce should never cause us to encourage a woman to stay in a destructive situation. Some men are so evil that anything less than a divorce gives them a platform to continue the abuse. That’s what needs to stop, in my view. .
Proverbs 19:19 would suggest that anger is not to be tolerated. That is the verse I go to when I’ve talked with women in abusive situations.
Men do need to hear of your experiences Gary. I’d encourage you to offer clear, direct and unedited accounts of what these abused women have told you the next time you are invited to speak at a men’s conference. For the men who are abusive it may help but more likely – for those men who are aware of the abuse being perpetrated by “friends” it may well provide the impetus for some much needed intervention. The conversations are not easy but are nothing compared to what these daughters of God are living through.
I spoke once at a men’s conference. One very honest man asked a great question. “I yell at my wife sometimes. Am I an abuser? The answer lies in the motives – is the motive to have the power and control in a relationship rather than an effort to be heard.
This is great! More people need to hear this, especially women who say that it’s wrong to divorce when there’s abuse. Yes, I’ve seen several women in singles groups say you should stay in an abusive relationship because “God hates divorce”. It’s scary how many people treat women like we have no rights what so ever in marriage and that we don’t have a voice. In addition to their belief that we need to stay in abusive marriages. They don’t get the fact that when men abuse their wives, they break their marriage vows (love and honor). There is nothing God honoring about abuse (regardless of what kind of abuse it is).
Hi Gary,
like many church leaders in efforts to protect women, you leave sin-steeped and abusive women out of the discourse or address them as an after-thought.
I have remained in an abusive marriage but my spouse is a female.
She has destroyed my chances to have my own offspring, destroyed my family’s possessions including those left to me through inheritance, forced me out of my job and destroyed my ability to financially support myself, left our whole family unstable (materially and physically), left me continually open to lies and slander, broken agreements knowingly and “willfully”, and has generated an emotional black hole in our home. All this as a professing believer.
Sure, she has emotional health problems and everyone would like me to be understanding of this fact.
If I complain and try to get church help, she wears a mask that looks so nice and says something like “don’t pay any mind to that grump man.” Females can very deviously exploit their femininity and the “benefit of the doubt” they are given in most churches that have lopsided doctrine and automatically assume that the men are the malevolents.
We tried counseling and my wife used everything she learned during counseling in a dishonest, unloving, explotative way. Instead of getting healthier she was equipped with more weapons for ill use.
I must agree with Korrine that professional counseling is not necessarily all it’s cracked up to be, and is perhaps even over-promoted by its practitioners. When someone has a great deal of darkness and sin at work within them, even professional counseling can turn out extremely extremely badly. There are some good ones and some bad ones, but even the good ones cannot necessarily contain a problem like that. And some of them assume they can handle it and assume “they got this” …. which I would say is a yellow flag that may indicate the person is over-estimating their “knowledge” and professional skills. There is something called spiritual warfare for example and even professional counselors are not exempt from it. (I almost forgot to comment that if I recall correctly there are some very unbiblical roots and “theories” as well as unbiblical influences on modern counseling practices.)
The Bible clearly teaches that women sin (sometimes big-time!) but our Western Churches can hardly believe it.
Sadly yes, men are most definitely the target. Some of the most cunning abusers I’ve come across are women. Research used to say 95% of the time the abusive partner is a man and 5% of the time it is a woman. My experience from talking with men who attend speaking engagements and I believe more current research is that of those who experience abuse about 15% are men and 85% are women.
Abused Husband
I have witnessed marriages where a generally good man was attacked by a sinful woman. Of course it happens. The dynamics of abuse, however, are different. The threat is of a different kind. It’s still evil, it’s still destructive, and I hate that it happens and God hates that one of his sons is going through that as well. But I know you know that doesn’t negate the experiences of the women in this blog post, and the many wives whose experiences are similar or worse.
Hi, you have written a good article. Can you write one where men are abused, and women need to step up, and be what they should be in a marriage? Most of these types of articles only put blame on me in and say women don’t do it as much so it’s not as important to write about it…..
Gary, I’m going to translate this in French, would you allow me to share with my minister giving you the credit of course! i can provide you with the translation if it is any use to you
Fabienne, That’s fine, but please clearly mark it as a translation. I don’t know French so there’s no point in me checking it.
It’s so hard when people, including my husband and some pastors, only define abuse as physical. And even emotional tends to only be defined as getting yelled at or similar. I have been in an abusive horrible marriage for 23 years. A lot of getting yelled at, name called, threatened, money withheld, manipulated, etc. But even more prevalent is what I haven’t heard mentioned (though I didn’t read every post)- neglect. My husband hasn’t spent any time with me or pursued a relationship with me for most of our marriage. Our last dinner together was in 2003. Last movie 1998. Last sex 2004. He takes our child out every weekend and leaves me alone. When I come to him crying and tell him my hurt over his not loving me he stays seated in his chair and says “I’ll pray about that.” He says that to EVERYTHING. No matter what issue I bring up he says that but he never does ANYTHING. When I said that I am having anxiety attacks and vomiting over this he said it must be from secret sin in my life. A week and a half ago our teenage son was really disrespectful to me and I went out for a drive. I called him crying for some support and I got the typical response-no comfort or love just hyper spiritual reasons and an emotionless “just pray”. I got upset and said a swear word. He hung up on me and wouldn’t answer my calls or texts the rest of the day while I sat in my car alone. That evening I texted him that I needed him and he said he purposely didn’t talk to me all day and left me alone so I learned I couldn’t speak disrespectfully to him. This was the last straw. I didn’t come home. I slept in my car for 5 nights, freezing and alone and scared. He knew this and did nothing. My son didn’t know I was in my car. He was hysterical when he found out and told my husband to please go get me or please leave so I could feel safe to come home and he refused both. My son wanted to be with me so we have been in a hotel for 4 nights. We both asked him to please go stay with his friend (he has a close, single friend who has given him this option and I do not) just for s couple weeks so we can come home and he refuses. He keeps saying that there is no reason I can’t come home and that I am perfectly safe there. This is so not true. It has been a traumatic battle ground for about 15 years. Every time he is home my son and I are both anxious wrecks. My son had deep emotional issues and anger that rears itself when my husband is home. Last year we went through this-I had to get away for my sanity and while I was gone he took my will and tried to take legal power of attorney over me, claiming I had authorized it. He removed the money from our joint account and put it a new account in his name. I went to a pastor at his church and he said he couldn’t just take my word for things, that he would talk to the men in my husbands men’s group because they know him!! Please! They don’t know the “at home” him. He said he would call me back after that and he never did. Everyone in the community thinks he is amazing-well he is to them!! I found out he was secretly recording all our conversations to “keep me accountable for my words” and to prove my anger to others. Of course I am angry over being neglected and mistreated for 23 years. I don’t know what to do
I don’t really have advice but I just wanted to say I hear you. Is there a women’s shelter you and your son can go to? I believe you-if you do not feel safe then do not go back. He sounds very abusive. You are worth more than how he treats you. The book “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft is very helpful. You’re not going to find help at that church. Find a new one for you. Also, women’s shelters can often connect you with legal aid so you can have help.
Read “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” by Leslie Vernick. Life changing.
Please go find a women’s shelter in your city ASAP! I wish someone you know would read this and help you. Go now.
Regarding Luke 14:26 – again, God is asking for something harder than just ‘loving less” as you suggest. He is asking for us to surrender our need to worship other human beings (and sports teams or our job or our fitness gym or our church) in our codependence. The ONLY One we worship is God through His Son.
I also work with many women in abusive marriages. I was an abusive husband. But my marriage was saved from the most extraordinary circumstances. And now I try to help women (and men) who want to save their marriage from a disloyal and abusive spouse. I agree men who abuse must be called out on their behavior and their wives must set a firm boundary against the abuse in the hopes they repent. But divorce is at the extreme end of the spectrum Divorce merely assigns a villain and then ends the relationship. That is not what God is about. God is asking something so much harder. God divorced Israel and then sacrificed Himself for the love of Israel so that she would have the chance to remarry God under a new covenant. A better covenant than the old – a selfless one of love as defined primarily by MERCY. God is expressing His upset that divorce was necessarry – but it is the nature of man. And as a result there are many who remain stuck in the old covenant that will never know God. Marriage mustn’t be viewed as the thing that completes us. ONLY God completes us. This is the mistake we are all making in our marriages. What are we to think about our marriage when we are commanded to “love our enemy?” Why? Because loving our enemy grows us closer to God and that is what this is all about. Yes, a wife and children must be safe from a ‘monster” but it doesn’t have to go as far as divorce. Maybe it will take years for a man to see the error of his ways. But so what. God is a long suffering God and I can tell you although it’s not popular God is found in our endurance in suffering. Just as Jesus showed us. Paul write; “let us rejoice in suffering.” Why suffering? because that’s how faith is demonstrated. Not by showing up for church on Sunday in our Sunday best. That’s not a sacrifice. Should a woman be in danger of being harmed physically? No, absolutely not. Instead she should seek safety and reassure her husband of her forgiveness but until he stops doing what he’s doing there can’t be the kind of relationship they both would enjoy and need. This is the message of the adulteress in John 8. God is calling us to something infinitely harder than we can imagine and much harder than the “church” leaders are teaching or understand. You wrote; “We have got to put the fear of God in some terrible husbands’ hearts, because they sure don’t fear their wives and their lack of respect is leading to ongoing deplorable behavior.” Remember – there is no fear in love. Fear is connected to judgment and these men are suffering from judgment with a lack of mercy. A man mustn’t fear his wife. He should fear God as reverence of God and understanding His sovereignty in that man’s life. But again, this is a failing of first parents who don’t image respect for the lord and then the failing of church leaders who don’t understand the gospel message. A man must fall flat on his face of his own volition – but once fallen he must understand Jesus is there to pick him up and to love him with mercy. As christians who supposedly believe we are in the business of redeeming sinners fr God’s glory. But the way to do that is infinitely harder than anything we could ever image. As hard as it is to “love your enemy.” But this is where you’ll find God.
So well explained, love is the only answer, we have to love like God loves. We have to keep our eyes on Jesus and look at our spouse through his eyes,and have faith that if we are surrendering ourselves to God then he will work in us, and we have to trust and wait for him to work in our spouse. I have been married for 36 years,and wish I had given my life over to him years ago, not just saying the odd prayer, going to church, and thinking I m doing everything but giving myself over to him, saying have your way with me Lord God, I have now and already I am seeing change because he is seeing change in me. God is with us everyday we just have to speak to him, and let his spirit lead us. Yes we will fall down but we will be picked up. So I say no to divorce, I also say no to abuse but put the boundaries there with Love.