“Aaron’s” business was all but obliterated by the Covid-19 shutdowns. He and his wife have lived a fairly comfortable life, financially speaking, but by December of 2020 they were fighting bankruptcy. Knowing money was tight, Aaron’s wife asked him what he wanted for Christmas. She wanted to get him something, but they both knew money was tight. Aaron replied, “You know what I’d really like?”
“What?”
“You getting a nice new piece of lingerie and coming in on Christmas morning to let me look at you.”
His wife smiled and said, “I can do that.”
A week later, Aaron asked his wife how her “shopping” was going. She smiled and said, “Think red.”
“Gary,” Aaron told me, “I felt like a ten-year-old kid who couldn’t wait for Christmas to arrive!”
It was such a sweet story of how marriage, including marital sex, can bring healing to a hurting couple and how a discouraged middle-aged man could suddenly anticipate Christmas like he hadn’t since he was a little boy, all during a particularly difficult season in life. And how his wife could revel in being adored, valued, cherished, and desired even twenty years into their marriage.
Here’s the thing: I’ve never heard of a woman who, when her family faced financial straits and her husband asked her for a cheap gift idea, responded, “What I’d really like is for you to buy a leopard skin thong and parade around in front of me on Christmas morning!”
In fact, when I proffered this unlikely scenario with Dr. Juli Slattery during a podcast, she spontaneously said, “Ewwww.”
Of course, there may be some women who would like that, and no shame on them. But most women? Probably not.
Is this cultural, or is it wired into the way we are made?
In Married Sex I quote Dr. Louann Brizendine, a neuropsychiatrist and professor at the University of California San Francisco who trained at UC Berkely, Yale school of Medicine, and Harvard Medical School. Dr. Brizendine wrote a book about the male brain to help women understand that their man doesn’t think like they do. But it’s not just Dr. Brizendine who talks about the differences in the brains of men and women. A September 22, 2021 report by Dr. Daniel Amen (a psychiatrist), who conducted “one of the largest functional brain imaging studies ever,” compared the SPECT scans of 46,034 female and male brains and “revealed fascinating differences between the female and male brains.” Recognizing that no two female or male brains are alike, Dr. Amen still found significant differences between the average male and average female brain.
There are other studies noticing differences in brains posted on the Stanford Medical School website (“Two Minds: The Cognitive Differences Between Men and Women”) and even one conducted by the U.S. government’s National Institutes of Health, published July 28, 2020 (“Sex Differences in Brain Anatomy”) in which the “At a Glance” summary says, “An analysis of more than, 2,000 brain scans showed sex differences in the volume of certain regions in the human brain.”
There’s been a meta-analysis study (which isn’t a direct study but basically a study of studies) that attempts to show there are no significant differences between male and female brains, but this is an active debate among neuroscientists; both sides may have their own agendas. While writing Married Sex, I sent one such meta-analysis study to an actual neuroscientist friend of mine who practices in Southern California, and he pointed out that the meta-analysis study is itself being challenged, so again, this is an active debate.
Some things aren’t up for debate. For example, there is a demonstrable difference in the levels and impact of oxytocin in the male and female brain. Men tend to have markedly higher levels of testosterone than women. Both of these factors (and I could list many others) have significant ramifications for sexual interest, pleasure, and experience.
Here’s the thing: apart from discussing the scientific basis for sex differences, it’s guaranteed that your spouse has a different brain and body than you do; furthermore, sexual enjoyment in marriage is helped when you recognize that your partner processes touch, pleasure, smell and many other aspects of physical intimacy differently than you do. Men, here’s one practical example: your wife’s skin can be up to ten times more sensitive than yours’, which helps to explain why women tend to be more into foreplay and why a wife’s touch may feel too light to the husband, and the husband should be careful lest his touch feel not light enough.
You’re not making love to a clone; you’re making love to a wonderful complement. Brain science can begin the discussion to help you understand each other, but it doesn’t end it for any couple. It’s a launching pad to discuss, not a trump card to win a debate.
Common sense and capitalism make Brizendine’s point, by the way. There are plenty of Victoria Secrets stores, but where are all the “Victor’s Secrets?” That store couldn’t make it commercially. We know there is a difference in the way men and women get excited sexually. And suggesting that is not to say that every man and every woman is alike. As we say several times in the book, you can bring great frustration into your marriage if you treat your husband or wife like most husbands or wives like to be treated if that’s not the way he or she likes to be treated. Marital sex is a sacred, private and unique act between two different people who have a lifetime to learn how each other functions, responds and feels.
We wrote Married Sex to help, inspire, equip and encourage many believers to begin these discussions: to unlock the mystery that is their spouse, so that they could experience new joy and delight in the bedroom. As I’ve said on many recent podcasts, more than Married Sex is a book of answers, it’s a book of questions: a helpful tool for you and your spouse to ask each other, “Is this true of you?”
One thing is certain: your spouse’s brain is different than yours. Whether it’s because he’s a male and you’re a female, or because his mother dropped him on his head when he was a toddler or you held your breath too long when you were in third grade, talk about these differences. Share what touch feels like to you, how important (or unimportant) smell is; what a difference it makes when you can see what is going on (or how it terrifies you to have the lights on). Learn more about your spouse so that you can enjoy each other, understand each other, pleasure each other, and serve each other. That’s what will lead to the most satisfaction in the bedroom. Use the chapters to discuss new possibilities. And listen to the stories; maybe you’ll come across one that makes you think, “I never thought of that before, but I bet that would work so well for us.”
Our prayer for this book is that your most satisfying days of sexual intimacy will still be ahead of you, to the glory of God and for the strengthening of your family.
Well Said I knew that mens and womens brains ar different. I have been a man for over 50 years. There was little doubt. But glad science backs it up.