The Beauty of Married Sex

I’m so excited that Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life  is now available everywhere. God’s presence was so apparent as Debra Fileta and I prayerfully labored to produce a work that husbands and wives could read together, with both spouses feeling heard, understood, and valued. Here’s what readers will get:

The Song of All Songs

A theological look at God’s celebration of marital sex, the astonishing way God’s word describes the passionate experience of sex, and the perhaps surprising (to some) revelation that in God’s book on sex the first spouse pleased is the wife. Sex wasn’t designed for solely the husband’s pleasure or release; Song of Songs begins with a wife boasting of the pleasure she experiences in this intimate relationship.

Sexpectations

Debra Fileta, a licensed counselor, does such a good job addressing common “sexpectations” that don’t hold up to reality, such as “sex will always be amazing,” “sex will be easy and happen often,” “sex is primarily for the man,” ”sex will be problem free,” and many others. Getting rid of wrong expectations about sex is essential so that you can rebuild your sexual relationship on a more solid foundation.

Your Body is a Wonderland

I was so grateful Debra wrote this chapter so I didn’t have to! She gives a thorough and professional look at how men’s and women’s bodies function sexually. As a counselor, she’s learned that some couples lack even the most basic information about each other’s bodies and how they work. Gaining a little physical understanding can go a long way toward increasing sexual pleasure.

What Gets Him Going

This is a chapter that an early reader said “made her cry with joy” when she saw how men celebrated the beauty of their wives. I talk about how women can gain greater understanding of their husbands (with the warning that treating your husband like most men like to be treated is counter-productive if that’s not how he likes to be treated. No two men are alike). We help women understand the power of their own enjoyment to please their husbands (spiritually healthy men get more pleasure out of their wives’ pleasure than their own), creative “turn downs” that can actually become “turn-ons” (creating excitement and anticipation instead of bitterness), and a little practical advice for handling one particular part of a man’s body that a woman doesn’t have.

What Gets Her Going

Debra does men a tremendous favor by giving them insightful and helpful clues to please their wives sexually. She talks about the importance of arousing your wife’s heart first, and then offers practical tips for arousing her body. Finally (and this part is so good) she writes about how to “add fuel to the fire.”

What Gets You Going

This chapter is cowritten to remind readers there are things you can do to aid and facilitate the process of your personal sexual arousal and response which starts by understanding that you have a role to play, and with that comes a beautiful, powerful, God=given sense of ownership and responsibility for your own sex life. Debra gives practical tips to help wives increase their own pleasure, and I talk about the power of assertiveness, setting the menu, staying in the moment, and protecting your own desire and enjoyment by upholding radical exclusivity.

Choose Your Own Adventure

In this chapter we explore how different sexual positions create different relational dynamics and urge couples to talk about the kind of sex each position creates for them. One woman who grew up with an anti-sex message tells how she loves to be on top because it counters that negative message. Different positions create different dynamics: athletic, fun, serious and sensual, quiet and comforting, passionate and intense. Debra includes an excellent section about how to talk about these things in case it feels uncomfortable to do so.

The Five Senses of Sex

God has given us bodies that are wired by Him for sexual enjoyment. Each sense (touch, smell, sound, sight and taste) can be used to create exquisite new experiences and deepen your sexual pleasure. Many couples share their favorite tips about putting the senses more actively into play, and we look at how the Song of Songs powerfully mentions and celebrates each of the senses.

En Gedi Sex

En Gedi is an oasis on the western shore of the Dead Sea. An oasis makes living in a desert possible. It’s also a powerful image for marital sexuality, in the way that the oases of sexual delight can help us face an uncertain future, apply healing to past wounds, and foster strengthening and renewing pleasure in the present. You’ll come away feeling awe at the power of sexual intimacy to renew our hearts, minds, souls and relationship.

Sacred Simmering

Simmering is fore-foreplay. It’s suggested by many sex therapists as a way to help couples because it’s difficult to go from ice cold to red hot. Instead, try to live at lukewarm prior to sexual activity. We look at the way this is celebrated and demonstrated in the Song of Songs, with long passages of the wife “simmering” for her husband and the husband “simmering” for his wife. Pondering the sexually desirable aspects of your spouse is actually encouraged by scripture.

Problem Spots

With her counseling expertise, Debra helps couples practically address differences in desire, vaginismus, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, inability to reach climax and the problem of porn.

Shades of Gray

Debra and I wrote this one together. We’ve been asked about many activities and give a pastor’s/counselor’s perspective. Our goal is to speak clearly where Scripture speaks clearly, and be honest about where Scripture is silent. The topics addressed are masturbation, sex toys, oral sex, anal sex, sex during menstruation, using colorful language, and fantasy and fantasizing.

Going Backward to Go Forward

Again with a counselor’s sensitivity, Debra helps us face the hurts and imprinting of our sexual past so that we can move forward to new delight and freedom. We need to take off the old, renew our minds (she gets very practical and is very helpful in this section), and then put on the new.

Above the Sheets

With her clients, Debra has learned that what many couples think are sexual problems are actually relationship problems. “Because the emotional and relational connection is so vital to the process of making love, what happens above the sheets in a couple’s life is just as important as what happens under the sheets. In fact, the former fuels the latter.” She has a helpful checklist of “Your Sexual Struggle May Be a Relationship Struggle If…”and gives loads of soul-enriching advice about addressing these struggles, including a wonderful section on building spiritual intimacy.

Better People, Better Sex

If you want your spouse to want you in the bedroom, be someone they can respect outside the bedroom. I look at the apostle Paul’s masterpiece of words in the book of Colossians to tell us what vices need to be discarded and what wonderful, marriage-building virtues need to be chased after. By addressing our character, we deepen more than just our relationship; we can actually improve our sexual intimacy.

This was one of those books where, when we finished, I thought, “I can’t wait for this to get out to married couples!” You always have dreams for books you’re working on, but this one surpassed mine. I believe Debra did a brilliant job with her chapters and I’m honored to have written this book with her.

One caveat by the way: both Debra and I believe this is a book meant for married (or nearly married) couples. We’ve had a number of readers tell us it really got them in the mood. It might be the many stories we recount from others. It might just be the subject matter. But as a pastor (me) and counselor (Debra) we don’t want to cause anyone to stumble. So we don’t recommend this book for singles, unless you’re confident that this kind of material won’t make life more difficult for you (we all have our own temptations and it’s not for us to judge anyone on this).