I recently read some very bad and very dangerous advice given to a soon-to-be bride: “Everybody has doubts on their wedding day.” This was after she articulated some reasonable objections to the marriage she was about to enter. It inspired me to re-read a study that says we should pay attention to wedding-day doubts. Not everybody has them. Nerves are one thing; marriage is a big commitment. Doubts are something else entirely. If you or someone you know is going through this, please pass this on to them.
What I’ve long suspected appears to be true: people should pay more, not less, attention to wedding day doubts.
It’s so easy to get caught up in a major infatuation, make a hasty commitment, get lost in planning a special day and then, as the day creeps closer and reality settles in, you start asking yourself: what am I getting myself into?
A study posted in the online Journal of Family Psychology warns that significant doubts are worth heeding. Wedding day doubts often signal a less satisfying marriage is ahead and a much higher likelihood of divorce. Among women, more doubts on the wedding day signaled a divorce rate 2.5 times higher than those who married without doubts. Keep in mind, the study focused on just four years, yet it already shows a disturbing trajectory. Who knows what the numbers would be if the researchers had followed them for ten years?
Sadly, I’ve seen too many people “go through” with a wedding because calling it off would be “embarrassing.” Ask yourself (or the person getting married coming to you for counsel): would you rather be embarrassed for a few weeks, or poorly matched in marriage for fifty to sixty years? When people refuse to call off a wedding due to embarrassment, they’ve lost all sense of proportion.
Being “nervous” is different than having doubts. If you’re nervous due to the large commitment involved, that just means you have a firm grasp of the awesome step you’re about to take. If you’ve properly prepared and are marrying this person for all the right reasons, you can mentally go through the list of why this marriage makes sense, and proceed with confidence because it will still make sense. If, however, mentally going through that list makes you become even more nervous, then that may reveal there could be good reasons not to go through with the wedding. Your head may have finally caught up with your heart and might be warning you not to do what you’re about to do.
If this is you, find a friend or mentor to pray through your concerns. You need a person strong enough to tell you the truth and who knows you well enough to discern if you’re just the nervous type needing reassurance, or if God is graciously warning you away from making a less-than-wise lifetime commitment.
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