In my research and interviews with parents of adult children who are having their hearts broken over their children’s actions, I’ve noticed a tricky spiritual challenge: how do you keep loving someone when you hate what they are doing? I’ve come across heartbreaking stories of betrayal and even cruelty, and yet our loved ones’ actions never cancel out the biblical call to keep loving them. This chapter explores how truth is an essential element of love, as well as some suggestions to maintain your sanity when it feels like life is trying to rip it away. For those of you who don’t face this with your adult children, I’d encourage you to read this excerpt anyway, as loving people who are breaking our hearts is by no means limited to parent-child relationships.
“I had to learn to love Jane without trusting her,” one father confessed.[i]
A different father’s heart was broken in a dozen places when he learned that the getaway driver for the crew who broke into his home was his son.
Julie bakes a carrot cake every Thanksgiving and Christmas because it’s her daughter’s favorite dessert, though her daughter hasn’t come home for a holiday in years, even though she lives on the other side of town. Still, Julie can’t bear the thought of her daughter coming and there not being a carrot cake. Yet, the sight of that uncut cake (the other family members prefer pumpkin pie) for days afterward cuts her heart like a knife. One year, she threw the entire cake away. The thud it made when it hit the bottom of the trash bin haunts her to this day.
How do you love someone who makes it so very painful? Is there a point where you stop?
As a pastor, I want to help you learn to navigate Jesus’ call to love your children even as they regularly break your heart. I have written elsewhere (When to Walk Away) that there can be times when parents need to create a certain amount of space when dealing with toxic adult children (just as children may need to create space with toxic parents). If you think that might be the case, I’d refer you there. But if you’re in a place where you believe you need to stay in relationship, how can you maintain your sanity while loving a person who is consistently breaking your heart?
Continue reading this blog on Substack HERE.
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