I had to search my soul to understand that gift-giving can be passive aggressive; we all have expectations about how we want to be loved, and many times those expectations are legitimate. But I came to the place where I had to ask myself, “Do I want to be a burden to love, or a joy to love?” That reset my attitude, and I hope it will do the same for you this holiday season.
Last Christmas, I bought Lisa three presents: one for her comfort (some special insoles designed in Asia to decrease plantar fasciitis pain),[i] one for her pleasure (some Cashmere to wear in the Colorado winters), and one for her fears (a device reported to decrease EMFs coming off your phone)[ii]. My youngest daughter looked at my wife and said, “These gifts were given by someone who knows you.” Made my day, right there.
I like giving and receiving gifts.
Lisa doesn’t.
In my young stupid pride, I used to double down on gift-giving opportunities, find something creative to give to Lisa, perhaps a bit too expensive for our current budget and Lisa would be touched and moved but feel guilty that I was (in her words) “better” at giving gifts than she was.
I didn’t understand myself well enough back then to apply the label “passive-aggressive.”
It took a long time for us to work this out. Six years ago, just prior to our 34th wedding anniversary, I found something I thought Lisa would appreciate. When she saw the wrapped box on our table the morning of our anniversary, I noticed that insecure look on her face.
“We’re getting each other gifts this year?” she asked.
“Well, it’s our anniversary.”
“But I thought that furniture we bought last year was supposed to be our gift to each other.”
We had made such an agreement a few years prior, when money was tight. I didn’t realize it had a future clause—that every time we bought furniture in the future, we were writing off Valentine’s Day and Anniversary presents for that calendar year.
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