If you missed last week’s post, part 1, you can read it here first: Avoiding a Marriage Fracture. This is more advice about how to keep your marriage not just connected but growing stronger, even when hurt over adult children threaten to tear you apart or steal your focus.
And as I said last week, the final manuscript isn’t due to the publisher until the end of this month (July). So if you’d care to offer some constructive criticism, please do so in the comments.
Encourage Each Other
When an adult child is attacking your spouse, double down on encouraging your spouse. He or she is likely hearing all kinds of accusations—maybe you’re both hearing nothing but accusations and condemnations—so be the dissenting voice in your spouse’s life.
One of the most shocking things about Jesus is that, amid His agony while carrying the cross, He had empathy for those watching Him suffer. “Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me, but weep for yourselves and your children. Look, the days are coming when they will say, ‘Blessed are the women without children, the wombs that never bore, and the breasts that never nursed!’ Then they will begin to say to the mountains, ‘Fall on us!’ and to the hills, ‘Cover us!’ (Luke 23:28-30)
I know you’re hurting yourself, but can you, during your pain, have empathy for your spouse’s pain, just as Jesus empathized with these women in the midst of His pain? That’s a very Christian thing to learn how to do.
Apart from encouraging each other being a biblical command (“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up” 1 Thessalonians 5:11), it’s a loving thing for you to do for your spouse. If all your spouse hears is about how they failed, remind your spouse of the things they did right. Tell your spouse what you’re proud of.
Your spouse doesn’t have to be perfect to be praised. He or she didn’t have to get everything right for you to compliment them for the one or two things they did get right. If they’re not hearing appreciation from their children, let them hear it from you, often and loudly.
Some of you should stop reading right now and write a note for your spouse. Share a favorite parenting memory and list a couple of things that were your spouse’s strong points. Call your spouse on the phone or go over to where they are and talk to them. Don’t wait.
Remember, encouragement is a process. Encouragement today won’t last for a month and certainly not for a year. Find a way to remind yourself that when an adult child is tearing down your spouse, it’s your call to help build your spouse back up. I nursed Lisa through a tumor removal and a hip surgery; she took care of me when I had knee surgery. If your spouse is sick, that’s what you do—nurse them back to health. Let’s apply this emotionally as well as physically.
Continue reading this blog on Substack HERE.