If you’re married with an adult child who is breaking your heart, a subtle spiritual trap–and a very dangerous one–is to think that’s the biggest issue in your life. If you’re not careful, the tension with your child can bleed into your marriage and poison it. And then your marriage will become an even bigger issue than your parenting. This week and next week, we’re running two excerpts from my book in progress, When Christian Parents Hurt. This chapter is relevant for every married couple, however–these are basic marital issues to be aware of, even if all of your children bring you nothing but joy, sunshine, and happy days!
By the way, the final manuscript isn’t due to the publisher until the end of this month (July). So if you’d care to offer some constructive criticism, please do so in the comments.
Jared was adamant. He was not going to call his son “Alicia.”
“He’s William. He will always be William.”
His wife Jennifer grieved over the choices their son was making but preferred to take the longer view. “Is his name really an issue? What if he wanted to be called Willy?”
“You know there’s a difference, honey. That’s not the same. And I’m not going to participate in this craziness.”
This chapter isn’t about providing the “right” answer for Jared and Jennifer, but rather about how Jared and Jennifer can maintain their marriage even if they disagree about the most appropriate way to love and relate to their son.
If you could get Jared and Jennifer to take a deep breath, they would both agree that if William’s actions succeeded in causing severe alienation in their marriage, their younger children—still at home—would suffer greatly. They must discern what is best for William, but sacrificing their marriage in the process shouldn’t be an option. If the younger kids grow up in a home where their parents are constantly fighting, the whole family will suffer due to one child’s confusion. Regardless of what the issue is with the child who is breaking your heart, you must not let him or her fracture your marriage.
While frustration with hurting children can be a big attack on your marriage, it’s also an opportunity. Facing this challenge together may draw you closer, but I’ve also seen it become a fatal rift. Particularly when moral issues are involved, and spouses land on different “sides,” it’s possible that the sin of one fractures the entire family.
“Parents with broken hearts can go either way. Marriages under this kind of stress become stronger or weaker, but they never remain the same. There are entirely too many explosions, too many arguments, and too many sleepless nights for relationships to stay unaffected.”[i]
If you’re married with a child who is dealing with some difficult issues, it’s natural to make that child’s spiritual health your primary focus. I’m asking you to do something different. At the start of the trial, join hands and say, “Whatever happens, we resolve that this trial will draw us closer together, like teammates facing a difficult contest, or soldiers fighting a brutal battle side by side. Rather than this tearing us apart and making us enemies, we will emerge closer together, with a new understanding of each other’s strengths, and a new appreciation that we didn’t have to face this challenge alone.”
Your child’s welfare isn’t your first battle. Your marriage is. Please don’t lose sight of that.
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