I was so moved reading a passage from Dietrich Bonhoeffer recently, and saw some clear analogies for marriage, that I wrote this longer post on it. It may seem a bit theoretical (and perhaps boring) to some, but for those of you who like to dig into these things, it could start a great conversation in the comments. Let me know what you think.
What if disillusionment is a necessary way station to a holy, rich, and sacred marriage?
I’ve been re-reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s Life Together, and everything he says about community is equally true for Christian marriage. It’s possible to value the notion of community in such a way that you undercut the reality of it, and the same is true of marriage.
Bonhoeffer writes, “Just as surely as God desires to lead us to a knowledge of genuine Christian fellowship, so surely must we be overwhelmed by a great disillusionment with others, with Christians in general, and, if we are fortunate, with ourselves.”
Idealistic notions of what Christian community “should” be are the enemies of us embracing what it really is—a group of needy, fallen believers, living together under the direction, grace, mercy, and forgiveness of Christ. Holding onto idealism, by definition, keeps us from living in reality, in what is.
Isn’t the same thing true of marriage? When we forget that marriage is about two people who stumble in many ways (James 3:2) gradually growing in sanctification, being forgiven and forgiving, raising a family and serving God, we hang on to the counterfeit notion of what we’ve been told marriage should be—and thus miss out on God’s most glorious alternative.
In this light, disillusionment with our ideal marriage is an essential step toward adopting a truer and more powerful vision of marriage. “By sheer grace,” Bonhoeffer writes, “God will not permit us to live even for a brief period in a dream world. He does not abandon us to those rapturous experiences and lofty moods that come over us like a dream. God is not a God of the emotions but the God of truth.”
Don’t let that last sentence jar you: God is both, and emotions aren’t necessarily antithetical to the truth, but they can be, and when they are, truth must win out.
To get to true community, we must die to false notions about community, which usually result from being disappointed by the fallen reality. The same is true of marriage: “The sooner this shock of disillusionment comes to an individual and to a community the better for both.” I’ve written elsewhere that it’s essential for cherishing (a chosen mindset, attitude, and disposition) to replace infatuation. Infatuation is doomed to die and must die before the choice to cherish can begin.
Continue reading this blog on Substack HERE.