The Three Markers of Healthy Marital Sexuality

As Debra Fileta and I have been doing podcasts on Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life, one of the most common questions we get is “what is healthy sexuality?” Here are three essential markers; I’m sure there are some others to consider, but in light of the current conversation I want to keep it focused and simple (but please feel free to add yours in the comments).

1. Mutually Pleasurable

A foundational point Debra and I wrote from throughout the book is that healthy marital sexuality is about mutual pleasure. This is to counteract faulty teaching from the past that sex is primarily for the husband or about giving him a sexual release so that he doesn’t sin.

In the very first chapter I make the point that the Song of Songs begins with the woman declaring that one of her highest pleasures in life is making love to her husband. “Biblical” sex is therefore something the wife enjoys, not endures, or feels obligated to provide. A healthy couple works through spiritual, relational, and physical issues so that the wife can agree with the woman in the Song of Songs: making love to my husband is a source of tremendous joy in my life. It might take awhile to get there, but it’s worth it. And Debra and I spend a lot of time helping couples get to this place.

Of course, there are times in lifelong marriage when one partner may particularly focus on the other at any one given moment. In the book, we quote “Danny” who talks about the times he prefers to bring his wife to orgasm and then just let her go to sleep. For him, her pleasure alone is satisfying enough. That’s not a common occurrence in marriage, and should be the exception, but we wanted to tell the true stories of couples out there where the wife’s pleasure is prioritized.

But don’t worry men. You’re not forgotten. In addition to Debra’s chapter “What Gets Her Going,” I write a chapter entitled “What Gets Him Going” and there are numerous other chapters where couples share their secrets to enhance the pleasure of both spouses. So many books in the past (and some in the present) try to pit one partner’s pleasure against another’s. That’s not healthy. In fact, it’s the opposite of healthy. Healthy sex should be mutually pleasurable.

• Relationally Uplifting

Biblical sex is relational. It’s also exclusively marital. Which means, healthy sex builds the relationship up, and the only way you can do that is to build each other up. Healthy sex never feels demeaning, controlling, manipulative and certainly not abusive. Mutual consent is paramount, but it’s also just the starting point—healthy sex leads both partners to feel cherished, celebrated, pleasured, adored, and valued. It’s not just about my pleasure; it’s about our connection. Both spouses should come out of each sexual encounter feeling better about himself/herself and better about their marriage.

Feeling used, coerced, or damaged are signs of abuse, not health. Our desires shouldn’t ever be fulfilled on the back of someone’s degradation. Our spouse is more important than our desires. And our relationship is more important than any one time of pleasure.

So in our pursuit of healthy sex we ask ourselves, is our sex life building up the relationship, drawing us toward each other, helping us to respect each other, be more grateful for each other, and delight in each other?

• Honoring God

As Christians, the third element of a healthy sex life is that every act of sex should honor God as creator, fill our hearts with gratitude for how he made us, and lead us to worship him for his goodness. Sex might feel mutually pleasurable, and seem to temporarily build the relationship, but if it pangs our conscience or makes us ashamed before God it’s not healthy for a believer.  Worship is the foundation of life, the essence of spiritual health, the literal primary need of every soul. Doing anything that undercuts worship instead of feeding worship is foolish and wrong and destructive.

When a couple mutually enjoys each other, experiences tremendous pleasure, and is drawn closer together, the sexual experience builds a heart of worship and makes us overwhelmingly grateful that God has created us as he did: woman and man, with nerve endings and bodies and joyful couplings designed by our Creator to make us feel so close, so good, and so grateful.

Please feel free to add your own markers of healthy sexuality in the comments, as well as anything from the book that you found helpful in that regard.