Learning how to cherish each other can be the Valentine’s Day gift that keeps on giving. Chocolate will be consumed (and have to be worked off). Flowers will wilt. Lingerie will…get torn? Stuffed in the back of your drawer until the next holiday? But using this romantic holiday to change the climate of your marriage for years to come could be just the gift you’re looking for.
I’m re-running a post I did for Ann Voskamp several years ago that explains the concept of cherish and the difference it’s made in my own life, and at the end we’ll discuss how you can use this holiday to make cherish a reality in your marriage as well.
“My dove, my perfect one, is the only one.”
Song of Songs 6:9
One morning I was in my study when I heard my wife gradually waking up. The best way to describe what happened is that my heart leapt. I hadn’t seen her yet, but just knowing she was moving and awake flooded my soul with new affection. I knew she’d shuffle into my office, still partly-asleep, come up to my chair for a hug, and then shuffle out of the room.
Sometimes it’s literally the best part of my day.
Did I ever dream that marriage could be like this, thirty years in, where simply hearing my wife wake up would emotionally move me?
Probably not, because it wasn’t like this in the first decade of our marriage, or even the second. Lisa and I have always loved each other, but the last several years we’ve discovered a hidden promise we made that we had forgotten about. Re-embracing that promise has deepened our love and added a new element to our relationship.
We realized we didn’t just promise to love each other on our wedding day. We also promised to cherish each other: “I promise to love and to cherish until death do us part.”
Love speaks of sacrifice, commitment, service, selflessness—all essential elements if a marriage is going to go the distance. But cherish speaks of delight and adoration. I don’t want my wife to think we live in the same house because the Bible says I can’t leave her; I want my wife to be cherished, to know she is “my dove, my perfect one, the only one” and that I would never want to be with anyone else.
Men want this too.
A pastor of a very large church asked seven men, all leaders, “How many of your wives love you?”
Every hand went up.
He then asked, “How many of your wives like you?”
Every hand went down.
Each one of these men felt loved; none felt cherished. That reality changes the tenor of a relationship; in a world where men are often ignored, taken for granted and rarely even acknowledged, much less thanked, many wives have no clue just what a man will do for a woman that he knows truly cherishes him.
Aspiring after a cherishing marriage has opened new realms for Lisa and me. It has drawn us closer. It has made our relationship and thus our home that much more pleasant. There’s a certain delight when you truly cherish someone you live with. If you cherish your spouse, it’s a treat just to see them—or to hear that they are awake. Cherishing feeds itself.
One way to distinguish “cherish” from “love” is to consider the ballet. A ballerina has to be strong, athletic, and balanced. The moves are physically demanding. But those skillsets aren’t all that different from that of an NFL linebacker, who also must be strong, athletic, and know how to stay on his feet. What sets the ballerina apart is the grace, the beauty, and the poetry. Love is the athletic strength of marriage—unquestionably the supporting spiritual foundation of any union. Cherish is the grace, the poetry, and the beauty of enjoyment. It takes your marriage to another level and makes it not only beautiful to dance, but beautiful for others to watch.
Just as 1 Corinthians 13 celebrates love, so the Song of Songs celebrates cherish:
Love is about being gracious and altruistic. “Love is patient, love is kind.” (1 Corinthians 13:4)
Cherish is about being enthusiastic and enthralled. “How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume more than any spice.” (Song of Songs 4:10)
Love tends to be quiet and understated. “[Love] does not envy, it does not boast.” (1 Corinthians 13:4)
Cherish boasts boldly and loudly: “My beloved is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand.” (Song of Songs 5:10)
Love thinks about others with selflessness. “Love is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5)
Cherish thinks about its beloved with praise. “Your voice is sweet and your face is lovely.” (Song of Songs 2:14)
Love doesn’t want the worst for someone: “Love does not delight in evil.” (1 Corinthians 13:6)
Cherish celebrates the best in someone: “How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful!” (Song of Songs 1:15)
Love puts up with a lot: “[Love] always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13:7)
Cherish enjoys a lot. “His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely.” (Song of Songs 5:16)
Love is about commitment. “Love endures all things. Love never fails” (1 Corinthians 13:7-8; ESV)
Cherish is about delight and passion. “Your name is like perfume poured out.” (Song of Songs 1:3)
Here’s the good news—in fact, the great news. Cherishing our spouse is something we can learn to do. There are habits, mindsets, and actions we can embrace that slowly build a cherishing marriage. The same God who cherishes the imperfect us is more than capable of empowering us to cherish our imperfect spouse.
As kids grow older and live their own lives and build their own families; as coworkers move on to new businesses, friends move away to new callings, and neighbors move to new houses in new cities, it is so fulfilling to have one person that I am called to cherish, and to be cherished by, above all others.
There are many good things to do and many noble things to seek on this planet and in this lifetime: cherishing and being cherished by your spouse is among the very best.
To help you make this Valentines’ Day special, we’re re-offering the Cherish Challenge in a new format. You and your spouse can go through the same eleven-week program so many readers did last summer, this time at your own pace. And the best news? It’s free! All you have to do is get the book (or open it if you already have a copy), https://garythomas.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/Cherish-Challenge-Study-Guide-FINAL_compressed.pdf and get started.
And please, let us know how it goes!
Dan Hornaday says
What a great, simple, positive idea to cherish your spouse! And the rewards are fabulous!