A recent news article caught my eye: a would-be bride caught her soon-to-be husband sexually assaulting an inebriated bridesmaid the day before the wedding. What astonished me even more was the last sentence of the article: friends of the couple “confirmed” that the ceremony went on as planned…
My heart rejoices at the healing and mutual support that a wise marriage brings. I love officiating at weddings and attending weddings of young people and those who are getting a new chance at love later in life. But when I hear that a would-be bride sees such monstrous behavior and still walks down the aisle, I can only imagine what a lifetime of horror lies ahead.
Admittedly, this couple’s case is extreme, but I recently received another email that began (paraphrasing), “I wrote to you several years ago and you warned me of several red flags in my relationship. Against your advice, I went ahead and got married and now I need your help as to what to do next.”
These news reports and these kinds of emails makes me want to re-post a past article this week, just to keep it fresh.
Please Don’t Marry Him
My heart is grieving.
I’ve received several Facebook messages from women who asked my advice about a dysfunctional dating relationship when The Sacred Search first came out several years ago. Each one noticed several “red flags” in their dating relationship and asked me if I thought they should be concerned.
In every case, the answer was a clear “YES!”
“Thank you so much,” was the typical reply, and then they went silent.
Now I’m getting a second round of Facebook messages, and since Facebook brings up the previous correspondence, I’m reminded of prior conversations.
It breaks my heart. Let me paraphrase a few:
“He said he was sorry, we ended up getting married, and now I’m the only one who seems to care about our relationship.”
“I’m doing everything I can to save my marriage, but he refuses to see a counselor.”
“You were right. He’s a sex addict.”
“I guess now I should have listened. Turns out he’s gay.”
Let me state this as clearly and as forcefully as I can: A dysfunctional dating relationship sealed by marriage doesn’t make any problems go away; it simply cements you in a dysfunctional marriage.
Marriage won’t improve your man. Marriage won’t change your man. (The same is true of a woman, of course.) Marriage simply weds you to your partner’s problems.
When you raise a significant issue in dating and the man or woman responds by crying and saying they’re sorry, nothing has changed. They’ve been caught, they don’t want to lose you, but it doesn’t mean they will repent. It doesn’t mean their character will improve. It just means they cried.
That’s it.
Give them a Kleenex, but don’t give them a ring—at least not until you see substantive, long-term change.
If you don’t witness character transformation before marriage, you’re foolish to expect it after marriage. A mature person—the kind you want to marry—is always growing and always open to biblically based conviction. He or she walks in grace, so they humbly realize they’re not perfect and will not be overly defensive when a loved one points something out with gentleness and understanding.
If this dynamic isn’t true in dating, it won’t be true in marriage.
Never marry someone hoping they will change. Marry someone because they already have changed.
One woman told me she couldn’t bear to “just give up on four years of my life.” Now she may be headed for divorce and will have to give up seven years of her life. (I don’t look at it that way, but she does.)
Another woman thought marriage would “solve” the sexual issues her potential husband struggled with. Sadly, it didn’t. It almost never does. It just exposed them for what they really were.
I take no pleasure in saying, “I told you so.” None. And I’d never put it like that anyway. This post is for single men and women who, deep down, know there are serious issues with the person they are dating, but who are too afraid to admit it or act on it.
Your fear of breaking off the relationship should be obliterated by the fear of making a foolish marital choice, which is far, far worse.
Trust in God. “Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.” (Psalm 9:10)
He can help you have the difficult conversation. He can soothe the heartache. He can lead you into the “green pastures” of a mature, healthy relationship—but not if you stay stuck in the barren desert of a dysfunctional relationship.
My wife and I have a single friend who is a godly, strong, and gifted woman. She’s overheard some of the conversations (without identifying details, of course) and recently told us, “Hearing these stories makes me feel a whole lot better about my situation.”
It truly is better to be a little frustrated in your singleness (if, in fact, you are frustrated at all) than to think a dysfunctional marriage to a dysfunctional man or woman would be better because at least you’d be married.
Legions of men and women, miserable in their brand new dysfunctional marriages, would disagree with you.
Please, please, please: marry an emotionally aware, relationally gifted believer who is humble, spiritually alive, and sexually whole. If you compromise on any of these, you will have a long time to regret it.
Unfortunately, I’ve had to disable messages on my author page because I just can’t keep up—and the advice wasn’t often heeded, anyway. It was used for singles to vent their frustrations, but all that did was make them feel momentarily better so they could continue in an unhealthy relationship.
Anything I’d say to these people, I’ve poured into The Sacred Search, so I’ll point you there. A good marriage is a wonderful, beautiful experience—the gift that keeps on giving. But marriage to a toxic person can rip you up emotionally and spiritually. Please don’t run through the red lights and ignore the red flags—turn around and walk away from a destructive dating relationship.
Thanks Gary. I just walked away from a toxic relationship about 2 months ago and this has made me believe I made the right choice. I somehow feel lonely at the moment but it’s much better to be lonely than being stuck in unhealthy relationship.
Thanks for this wisdom. Most of us singles are blinded by temporary pleasure. we don’t look into the future. We don’t want delay gratification. we have made ourselves to be Holy Spirit that want to change people. I thank God for delivering some years when i wanted to begin a relationship with a girl because i liked her. I saw the red flag, I told myself that i will change her in marriage. God delivered from that wrong decision making. Today I am in a relationship with a sister who love and fear God and we are both fulfilling purpose together.
I wish I would have come across your blog 25 yrs ago. Not 100% sure I would have listened either, but I know that I would have had someone “in my corner”.
But anyone else who read the post above & got here. LISTEN!
I have always been a “fix it” person or healer (feelings/emotions). But if I could go back in time to talk to myself 25 yrs ago….I would tell me to RUN!!! You can’t show someone that they’re worthy of love, being loved. You can’t hope they’ll change, see the light, see the damage they are causing, because they CAN’T & WON’T see it.
It doesn’t matter HOW MUCH you love them, it doesn’t matter at all……to them.
I have endured over 21 yrs of being blamed/accused of having affairs that I had never had, of being lied to, being blamed for, accused of not supporting him, of not loving him, of not wanting him of……well, the list is long. For at least 21 1/2 yrs of him having affairs & then being blamed for him doing it.
Sept 2016 he FINALLY decided to stop his online affairs (texting, email’s) I’m assuming online dating sites too, at least I’m assuming he’s stopped, he hasn’t figured out why I haven’t just jumped back into sharing a bed (haven’t for over 8 yrs), he thinks everything is back to “normal” & blames me for why it hasn’t. LOL
When he finally “chose” me/family. I breathed with a sigh of relief, but then it hit me a few minutes later & I cried uncontrollably in my friend’s ear over the phone, the 2 thing’s I remember from that conversation was………”I can’t do this anymore” & “Your mourning” To both thing’s I was like ? What?
I can tell you it’s not worth the pain & turmoil that you will face if you continually ignore those warning signs. It’ll never get better.
And if they refuse to go see a counselor, that’s a clear indication that they don’t need help because they don’t see that they’ve done or said anything wrong.
RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My “husband” has changed a little for the better, it took him till his mid-40’s to “grow” up. It’s not worth hoping or waiting for improvements, not if it start’s off with warning flags. If it’s later in the marriage….possibly.
RUN!! Or you’ll be like me….waiting for your youngest to turn 18 in 5 yrs, so you have less to worry about if things stay as is.
RUN
I wish I’d known about NPD in 1972when I married the man who told me every day for 37 years “ I love you.” I didn’t hear about NPD and RAD till after he cheated on me and divorced me because he “just wasn’t happy” and said I “ just aren’t ‘ doing it’ for me anymore.” yikes! He was an altar boy in his teens, our church treasurer and chairman of the church board, taught Sunday School with me, ran the sound board, and ushered and counted offerings, but after he dumped me and moved out, he said,” You had a love affair with Jesus, so I’m justified in having affairs with other women.” Lord Jesus, have mercy on this deceived, twisted, perverted, Jezebel-filled and polluted man! That prayed, God brought me together seven years later with a man who’s truly loved Jesus since childhood, gives to the needy, feeds the hungry, does home repairs for widows and the elderly, and, as a former Marine aviator and commander over 500 men, stands ready to defend and protect me. Wow, God, what a blessing you brought me!
Thank you for your post, Gary. OMG!!
Forty Five years ago I saw the red flags and ignored them and have been living in a dysfunctional marriage ever since. It’s a second marriage for both of us. I married him because I was pregnant, and I believed I could love him enough for our marriage to work. I was idealistic. My Bad!!
Fortunately God was “finally” able to get my attention 12 years ago to get help for myself. I’ve had to emotionally detach from my husband, which has been life-saving and life-changing for me. I’ve been on my own “recovery process” for the past 12 years attending several classes, including Celebrate Recovery, to help me learn why I made the choices I made. That’s also where I learned my husband is a sex addict. I knew he had betrayed me several times, but I didn’t know he was an addict. NONE OF THAT WAS OKAY!!
It’s heartbreaking when I come across a woman who I see doing the same things I did, and I want to SCREAM at her RUN, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN – AWAY from him!!! Get yourself as spiritually healthy as you can before you even consider dating anyone, and make sure they’re spiritually healthy as well. Life is too short to be in a miserable marriage.
I agree totally with the article, but too often we are blinded by our “hopes” for a good marriage that we proceed even with the red flags waving. But I do think the reason she/he married him/her anyway is because of brokenness/shame in their own life – and maybe that needs to be addressed. A healthy person typically doesn’t marry a dysfunctional person with red flags waving. For me, a foundation of shame led to many bad choices including that of a dysfunctional/mentally ill spouse. It’s only as I’m grasping my true identity in Christ that I’m beginning to make healthy choices.
Gary, so good. I wonder if a book needs to be written on Sacred Singleness. We have idolized the “romantic” marriage and have left no room in our lives for a possible sacred singleness. I’m happily married. However, I was single for a very long time. But in looking back there was so much joy in my intimate relationship with the Lord during my single years that is not the same today. And if I understood that better perhaps the agony I felt at being single would not have been so deep. Another thing I’m wondering as well is how such a book would bless those who are same sex attracted but want to live out their lives in celibacy. It seems to me Christians who are sane sex attracted and who struggle with the thought they can never “marry” someone they are drawn to love could benefit from stories of widows who find themselves single and who don’t have that “someone” to care for them as they age or stories of other singles who have never married and have lived a life of celibacy by default. Anyway, these are thoughts I’ve been mulling about lately. God bless you. And keep on keeping on. I and many others are so blessed by your work.
This is everything. I wish so badly my sister (and others) would take it to heart.
I myself have been in a destructive relationship headed for marriage and I am so thankful God pulled me out before marriage because I would’ve continued in the destruction out of fear, sadness, etc.
I posted this on Facebook. I agree, the red flags I hear in counseling, are not being head. There is so much pain in the aftermath. In my opinion a red flag in a Christian is the Holy Spirit living within you screaming NO.
Many couples today wait almost forever before getting married because they are afraid of commitment and they have seen the toxic relationships of their friends that have failed or past failed relationships of their own which prevents them from moving forward. To your point, I am a firm believer that couples have to be properly “yoked” in their belief systems, attitudes and love before they move forward in their relationships. I never felt more confident about anything in my life than when I married my wife knowing the hurdles that were before us for long term success. Marriage won’t fix a bad relationship and it only makes it worse. I have told my kids and my wife, that your spouse is your “best friend” and you take your journey together for the long term working on it every single day and has problems arise you work toward solutions.
Absolutely true. The point is that our singles are too desperate to be yoked maritally that they ignore these toxic symptoms or signs in their pre-marital relationships. Majority again are too much in a hurry to ask counsel , seek God’s direction. I pray that God grant our singles, hearing ears and a willing hearts of obedience & discernment
Thank you very much for the gr8 work.
Oh my heart!! Such true words! Oh that I had heard and heeded them some 50 years ago. But I was too much of a headstrong mess to heed the words and red flags I did have. Thank you.
AND, as you’ve discussed before…SEX outside of marriage throws a huge monkey wrench into the whole thing! Anything outside of God’s will always does! Thanks so much and make it a great day in The Lord!
I can totally relate to this. I wanted to call off the engagement two weeks before my marriage but I let others sway me away from what the Holy Spirit was guiding me to do. The first year has been the hardest year of my life but I also see it as my greatest teacher. I was happy in singleness but I know I wouldn’t have grown if I’d stayed there. There’s so many times I’ve wanted to quit. But the word “endurance” rings in my head. The world, and my flesh, says my marriage is bad. But I have to see my marriage through the eyes of Christ and trust Him first and foremost. I hope people who have doubts read this and delay their marriage. Even if the honeymoon has been paid for, even if people are coming in from out of town. Please, don’t make a decision with a lifetime of consequences. Thank you, Gary!
Thank you Gary for this priceless counsel.
Some singles do listen. I waited a long long time to get married and went through a series of heart breaks with these bad guys and I am glad I waited for the right guy.
Thank you for this article. I married an immature, very controlling man when my mind and body screamed no! no! no! I thought that God would work it out. That was a false belief. Remember the song, “Owner of a lonely heart, much better [off] than the owner of a broken heart”? That’s the truth!
Oh Gary, Thank you so much for this post! Ladies, please find someone who sees your value and your worth. I see so many women who have married the guy and now they have children with him and feel stuck without any choices or options. But God is still a big God who cares deeply about his children. If for no other reason but to help someone else not make the same mistake, please tell your stories.
This is wisdom. Unfortunately, I was blinded by fear and pride and married him anyway, too. All I have to say is do yourself a favor and listen to Gary! Do not settle for a man that you would not approve of for your own sister/daughter/best friend. It won’t be easy but you can walk away! Your future, happy and healthy self will thank you.
Thank you for this post. I have a wayward son who is living with his lost fiancé. Well I am sure he won’t read the whole email, I hope to send him portions of it. From shredded heart in Cheshire Connecticut
Thanks again Gary for laying out the TRUTH so clearly. (as usual) My wife and I have helped couples planning to marry at our church’s Prep for Marriage program. There have been many times that couples have come and are looking for us to bless their “Growth Opportunities” as if they don’t exist. Many couples display the unwillingness for change by saying “that’s just how I am.” Nothing changes. We have advised some couples to wait and a few couples to break off their plans. Many do not heed and it is typical that disaster soon follows. Your message is clear and it is true. If it looks bad when you are dating, just think how bad it will look after 15-20 years of the same old thing. We love you and are praying for your ministry. We are looking forward to attending Cherish in December at Winn Shape. THAT would be a good book to read before you marry.