If you adopt a wolverine and pour all your love into that animal; if you treat it like a puppy, hugging it and feeding it and playing with it; if you give it the very best care anyone has ever given to a wolverine, the day will still come when that wolverine will attack you, because no matter how kindly you treat a wolverine, it is still a vicious, wild animal, and in the end, its nature will win.
If you marry a toxic person and show extraordinary love, concern, care and compassion; if you are faithful in matters of kindness, communication, conflict resolution and sexual intimacy; if you go out of your way to be a model spouse to a toxic person, that toxic person will still most likely turn on you because that’s what toxic people do.
It’s not your fault.
It doesn’t mean you failed at love.
It just means you married a toxic person.
When Judas betrayed Jesus, Jesus didn’t beat himself up for not doing enough for Judas, for not coming up with the right words to correct and exhort Judas, for not loving him perfectly, for “missing” what, in hindsight, could seem obvious. On the contrary, Jesus released Judas to go and do what he was going to do.
What does this tell us? We have to let toxic people own their toxicity and not internalize it as a failure on our part.
A mom spoke to me with hurt in her eyes because her school district began blaming bullies on poor parenting. You can’t discipline a bully, the school seems to be saying, when the fault really lies with the parent.
This mother is distraught because she has two children who are model students and citizens at school, and one who enjoys being mean. She’s tried everything—prayer and fasting, counseling, time outs, etc. She feels like a failure as a parent. The school treats her like a failure. Throughout her life, if someone confronted her for something she was doing wrong, she could own it, repent and change it. But how can she own, repent and change what someone else—in this case, her son—is doing?
One of the most startling discoveries for me when writing When to Walk Away was the connection between control and evil. God calls us to choose (Josh. 24:15) and leaves the decision with us. The New Testament talks of demonic possession, but it doesn’t speak of “God possession.” Controlling or dominating someone is evil. So it stands to reason that if we can’t (and shouldn’t try to) control someone, then we can’t own or be responsible for others’ toxic behavior. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:23); controlling others is a Satanic strategy.
Focus on yourself. Do what you know to be right. Call others to do what is right. When the relationship warrants it, admonish, correct and speak up. Do your part to love and serve and forgive and encourage as parents, friends and spouses are called to do. But if a toxic person acts in a toxic way, don’t own their response. You can’t. Own yours. Did you do what God called you to do? Then you were faithful, regardless of the outcome.
Don’t beat yourself up because you didn’t do everything perfectly, as if that would work anyway. We can safely assume that Jesus was perfect with Judas, but that didn’t “work” in the way we define “working” if “working” means toxic people always repent and change.
It is spiritually healthy—essential, even—to own our “stuff,” to humbly accept our weaknesses, receive correction, apologize and make changes, and walk in repentance and accountability. For most of us, that’s a full-time job, spiritually speaking. But we can’t own and be responsible for the “stuff” of others. So just stop doing that. Stop owning that.
Wolverines will be wolverines regardless of how you treat them.
Oh my goodness, I have married a Wolverine. After purposely not dating anyone for 3 years to honor God and to work on myself, I met Wolverine all dressed up like a puppy. The DAY after our honeymoon, the puppy was gone. We just had our 4th anniversary. It is a late in life second marriage. He picks. Criticizes and name calls until I blow up and defend myself. Then he goes into something I cannot even explain. Goes completely over the edge. Then tells me I have broken him. I caused his anger. Once we were in the car and he threatened to drive us at high speed through a red light……actually sped up as if he were going to do it. So many stories I could tell. I cry on the way home from work every day. So frightened about what could happen next. I just ordered the book. Thank you.
Thanks, Gary! Yes, marrying a toxic person is an unbelievable challenge. I never realized this during the first 15 years or so of my marriage, thinking that if I could just be the best husband and man of God I could be, then my wife would reciprocate and be a loving, caring, kind spouse in return.
But when the storms and trials of life started rolling in, her true toxic colors started emerging and the damage was done that I am still trying to recover from (not sure if I ever will). I keep praying and asking God at what point do I quit fighting for a marriage that my toxic wife checked out of years and years ago and save my sanity and walk away? It’s a very difficult decision because we have three children and I am a man of faith who made a covenant vow with God when I entered this marriage.
Just heard you on FOTF. I plan to read your book. I would love to speak with you on this subject. I am not an author, counselor, pastor, etc. I am just a life long Southern Baptist (“born again” Christian since age 11) and native Houstonian who over the years has been a member of three of the largest SBC churches in Houston. If there is one thing I have come to realize it’s that church is where some of the most toxic people can be found, and they are usually the ones in leadership and counseling positions, so I am thankful to hear about your new book!! It’s a breath of fresh air from what I have been taught and subjected to over the course of my lifetime…in the name of God.
I’m kind of scratching my head a little. I do believe there is a time to walk away… and if done humbly, after one has ‘done as much as depends on them to live at peace,’ (Rom. 12:18), there is sorrow and holy lament that is involved in the distancing, (as opposed to a more blunt hearted ‘good riddens’). Presumably, one who is soft hearted and is walking away in wisdom, will also be praying for the other, as well as blessing them (at least in heart). Jesus commanded us to pray for our enemies; to do good to them; and to bless them. Back to my reason for writing this note… I wonder why or how you are using a whole view of Scripture to support your comments, (and premise). In today’s blog, you noted that God doesn’t posess us. I don’t believe this is accurate, altho’ I get that you are intending to juxtapose an abuser-type, from a God who loves and serves His people, and who embodies humility. And, I do agree that He doesn’t ‘dominate us’ in an evil way. He does, tho’, subdue us in a holy way. Subdue – ‘bring into submission’. Interestingly provocative. (And yes, while He ‘stands at the door and knocks’, and chooses not to force and coerce; all things will be brought into submission to Christ, and one day every knee shall bow. There are also those who will be saved, and those who will be condemned, according to the Scriptures.) Re: ‘posess’, these Scriptures passed through my brain when I read the comment… all with implications about us not being our own, but belonging to God. Deuteronomy 5:6; Exodus 20:2; I Cor 6:19-20; John 17:10; Song of Songs 2:16; Isaiah 43:1, and a variety of others, …e.g. https://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/People-Belong-To-God . Because we are fundamentally not autonomous, the question seems not about whether or not we belong to someone, but ‘who’ we belong to, ‘who possesses us’, ‘who is controlling us — right now’, and whether or not that ‘one’ is the Holy Lord, or, the father of all lies. Speaking of toxicity — the theme you have raised… Toxicity in anyone’s life depicts the need for rescue; and in the life of a believer it is an obvious contradiction to the faith they profess — and a sign that somehow there are access points the enemy is using to take advantage of and control them, and they are partnering (knowingly or not). The Scriptures instruct us in various places how to respond to those who are caught in sin; who are offending us; who are acting as enemies; etc… and there is also an important process laid out involving bringing in others. There is then the potential for greater discernment, and accountability all around; as well as support for ‘moving away’ when, in fact, it is best. Putting up walls and creating cut-offs by one’s autonomous self to deal with what feels toxic, is not the best position to be in. It can also leave one acting as ‘judge’ (which comes with its own heart and practical problems), and can also short-circuit God’s purposes for each person involved.
After crying for help and years of counseling someone finally put it in words…I cannot change them and not sure I want to try. A marriage on the brink of 47 years When is enough enough….thank you for writing this book….
It was very helpful in reading this yes. I’d say I am married to a person who can be toxic at times, but the label doesn’t help….it feels like name calling to me and here I’ll tell you why. My spouse has done some awful things to me, toxic I’d say and of course it was, but “he” can only see my response to what he did as toxic because he grew up in a totally opposite home environment then I did ….And he asked for forgiveness, truly meant it I believe…although the apology didn’t seem like enough for me and I believe I have PTSD from the things that happened…..I wanted to hear I’m sorry or see more remorse than maybe I was seeing and when I didn’t, I felt I reacted in toxic ways? Wanting to control everything to protect myself? In one of Gary’s books I believe, he reminds us God calls us to love our spouses, we don’t have to trust them perfectly, “we” can not be trusted perfectly. We are to love them and act as God would have us act, with boundaries of course and then if they leave or are dangerous to be with then there are decisions that we will have to pray about. But I believe we need to truly look at ourselves and try to see why the other person might only view our behavior as toxic or our reaction? If you are around a person with PTSD from what you did to them-you’ll see probably toxicity right? We can work on how we keep reacting to what they did and ask for God’s help to put things in the past. So no matter the other person’s behavior, we are to press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called us heavenward. And I believe we can get so obsessed with how to fix our marriage, we are ineffective towards the great commission. We are Called to be holy, not happy, joyful not perfect and we can’t expect perfection from someone who’s not capable of that……and sometimes we can’t expect them to be as good of a spouse as we think we are? God can be our focus, and I’m taking to mostly myself in this blog. My husband and I are not equally yoked but we are both saved and I need to stop pressuring him to be a mature Christian…..that is God’s job.
WOW you have NO IDEA!! Well obviously you do!! LOL!! Amazing and so spot on I’m beginning to wonder if my phones are tapped. 😅 All joking aside, this is exactly, 100%, to a T, exactly what I needed to hear right now!! This whole toxic series has been perfect timing! THANK YOU so much!!
So encouraging! Ordered the book, study guide and video and anxiously awaiting it. Thank you!
The hard thing for me is not becoming toxic myself when my spouse is (toxic, that is!). How do i act with the love of Messiah, rather than through my flesh?
I feel your pain. Excellent question. I have asked myself many times.
Thank you for the insight! Many toxic people do not see that they are toxic and shift blame to others for them being” triggered” when they curse at you, yell at you, or speak negatively to you. In turn, when the person they’ve hurt gets tired of the behavior and starts speaking up for themselves, then, that person is deemed the angry, negative, toxic one. This is a tactic of a toxic, narcissist ic person. It is true that you cannot change a person’s character, no matter how hard you try. It is up to God to work on that person’s heart…..only when that person surrenders and yields their heart to God. Abuse of any kind is not acceptable, and it is not of God. Staying in a relationship, continuing to endure the toxicity will eventually drain you spiritually, mentally, and physically. Only you have the power to change you with the help of God.
Dear Gary – it just came for the right time! Thank God he let you write this just today!! I needed it so much.
This is such a comfort to read.
Thank you
It appears that narcissistic people are wolverines…from personal experience.
So good!
Thanks for writing about this topic. Sometimes we really think that everyone who comes our way we are supposed to help because we’re Christians. And we are responsible for moving them out of their toxic behavior. But the Bible clearly states that one plants and the other waters but God gives the increase. How can I personally be responsible for another person’s spiritual growth or the lack thereof? We waste so much time trying to help people who are not interested in helping themselves through spiritual growth and maturity. Thank you again for addressing this topic!
Thank you for this! I’ve started to purchase your new book several times but haven’t been able to because of ridiculous triggers at the thought of reading about the toxic person. I so wanted a ‘happily ever after’. And, some days now, I am truly living my best life after coming through years of abuse, trauma bonding, you name it. But there are days it’s still hard and reading about these things magnifies the pain from the past. PTSD shows up again and I get to start over. Thankfully I get to start over at a place closer to the goal though now. Once I stopped taking the blame, things changed. At least most of the time. I do plan to go ahead now and get the book, and will read it as I can. As my heart and mind allow.
Great word, Gary. Freedom. Thank you.
Another stellar teaching and one that is bound to set many struggling captives free. Thank you so much for writing it. I feel God’s peace as I read it.
Hi Gary,
Is your book ” When to walk away” available in Canadian book stores or Canadian online stores?
Thanks
Mike
Hi Mike,
Yes, you should be able to find it in Canada.
Too often we blame ourselves for the faults of others and not hold them accountable for their toxic behavior. Thanks Gary for this insightful post.